Dear Tara Basro

Dear Tara,
What you wrote inspires me,
And I’m really grateful for it.

I used to despise my body,
There were significant moments in my life that have led me to hate my own body,
From having my partner had sex with other women whose body is nicer, curvier, sexier,
Having my partner had affairs with younger women,
Knowing my partner gave lingeries as a gift for another woman,
Accidentally watching intimate photos and sex videos of my partner with another woman,
Up until having heard from my closest person himself about the flaws that my body has,
About the lacks of my body that he found unsatisfying and undesirable,
Those comments wounded me, deeper than I could ever imagined,
It wounded me until the point that I no longer could love my self, even more my own body.

Dear Tara,
I was choking up when I first saw your post,
Something hit me hard inside as I was reflecting on my own self.

Past experiences have made me compare my body to other women’s,
Particularly those who became the lovers of my partner,
I found myself could not stop comparing my own to those younger, skinnier,
Curvier, sexier bodies that could satisfy the one whom I hold most dear,
I kept thinking that I could not fulfill his needs,
Even worse, I kept thinking that I am not enough,
And the worst is I kept on blaming myself by hating my own body.
Why I didn’t have flat belly? Why I didn’t have bigger boobs?
Why I didn’t have skinnier legs? Why I didn’t have flawless skin?
Those questions were haunting me.
There were times I was so depressed until my menstruation stopped for three months,
My hormonal cycle was messed up,
And I was so fucked up.

Dear Tara,
I could not express my gratitude for you to wrote those things,
Your words were a slap on the face.

I realize now that I could not count on anybody else but myself to love me.
Even there is still a part of me that despises my body,
I begin to learn to love my body.
Even though it is harder to do rather than to say,
I want to start to love my body.
I learn to start to accept my body for what it is,
And doing the best I can to progress, but for the sake of myself rather than anyone else.
I will wear lingerie for my happiness instead of any man,
I will do exercise for my own health instead of pleasing any man,
Even if the exercise that I do, such as yoga and modern dance,
Will not make my belly flat or my legs skinnier or my age younger,
I will keep doing it for my own happiness and health.

I am still learning.
Even though it is still hard for me to let go of the hatred,
For I am still remember those hate comments from the one whom I hold most dear,
So much that I never initiated to make love with my man anymore,
For I am still afraid of the breakdown that may come,
But I am learning to love myself.

Dear Tara,
Nowadays my body doesn’t feel loved,
Because the rejection from my dearest person towards my body,
Hence I despise my body,
But your words have inspired me,
That I should love myself, at least,
When no one could love me,
I still have myself,
But I’m still learning,
But I thank you,
For showing the way to begin.

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