Not Myself

It’s probably one of the worst feelings ever: realizing that the one we need the most doesn’t need us as much as we need them. And perhaps it’s one of the worst things ever: knowing that the one we love the most doesn’t love us as much as we do. And it’s probably worse: realizing that there is someone else they need more than us. And perhaps it’s worse: knowing that there is someone else they love more. Being an option is indeed not the best feeling ever; trust me, I’ve been there. It is the sense of rejection that we got from realizing that we are not the best for them while they are the best for us. It is the sense of betrayal that we got from knowing that they want to be with someone else more than they want to be with us. It is the sense of neglect that we got from understanding that they need that someone else more than they need us. It is the sense of heartbreak that we got from the failure of being the best person inside their heart. It is the harsh fact that we must face: it is not ourselves, we are not the one; it is someone else.

“Now I’m sorry if I become silent towards you. It’s not that my manner is being silenced; it’s just that my heart has its limits to understand you, forgive me.” –Samsons, Not Myself (Bukan Diriku)

This is an Indonesian song titled “Not Myself (Bukan Diriku)”, performed by pop rock band, Samsons. It was released on November 25th 2005 in Indonesia as the part of the band’s debut studio album, “Man’s Intuition (Naluri Lelaki)”. It was later released as a single on April 18th 2006. The piano ballad track was written by Irfan Aulia, the band’s guitarist. It follows the story of someone who has to let go of the person they hold most dear since the feeling is not reciprocate, and that person has been longing for someone else instead of them.

"Naluri Lelaki" album cover | source: samsonstheband.com

It’s heartbreaking to find out that, apparently, we’re not the best person inside the heart of our most beloved someone. Moreover, it’s also more painful to realize that, apparently, there is someone else who is the best inside their heart rather than us. Well I guess we are all having some ego inside us, hence we are hurt when we understand that the affection we receive is not reciprocal as the affection we give. Hence our pride is hurt. Hence we choose silence. It is not that we’re being rude; it is just that it’s too painful for us to do anything else but being silent. Well I guess we are all having some limits for understanding someone, even the person we hold most dear. When the pain becomes unbearable, I guess it’s natural for us to choose to be silent. “After I understand that I’m not the best within your heart, I can be sure that he is the one who understand you, not myself. Now I’m sorry if I become silent towards you. It’s not that my manner is being silenced; it’s just that my heart has its limits to understand you, forgive me.”
I think the most heartbreaking thing from this situation is that the person is the only one who is able to understand and comprehend us, but apparently it doesn’t go the other way around for that person. Hence the feeling is not reciprocal and it’s what hurts the most. Moreover, it’s hurtful to know that there is someone else who is apparently getting the role of someone who is able to steal the heart of the person we hold most dear. At this point we cannot help but wondering: perhaps what we need was different since the beginning. We need someone to comprehend us; a partner as well a lover. On the other hand, that person needs someone who adores them and can be adored by them; a lover as well an idol. But still, it hurts the same even though we understand that we look for different things in the relationship; for we thought in the beginning that we were looking for the same thing. “And it’s only you who can understand me, who can comprehend me. It turns out that he is the one who can flatter you, who has touched you for long, not myself.”
And after realizing and understanding the whole situation, we cannot help but pondering about what we should decide upon it. And even after thinking so hard for some time, there is no way out rather than to back off. And that is probably one of the most hurtful things we have to face. We are not the one they want. We are not the one they need. Even though we want only that person. Even though we need only that person. We are not the one they choose, even though that person is the best for us. We are not the one they desire, even though that person is the only one we love. Even though we love that person with all of our body and soul, we have to leave them. Even though we love that person with all of our mind and conscience, we have to forget them. Even though we know we cannot live without that person, we have to let them go. And so we walk away with the broken heart and painful soul. “Though I still love you, I have to leave you, I have to forget you. Even if my heart loves you, this conscience needs you, I must let you go.”
What would you do in a lose-lose situation like this? You’re definitely being hurt if you stay, for you know that the person is longing for someone else. However, you’re also being hurt deeply when you leave; for you know it all too well that the person is the only one for you. Would you be able to give your happiness up for the sake of that? Would you be able to give that person up for someone else? Would you be able to bear the pain? Which pain would you dare to take anyway: the pain from staying with the knowledge that you’re only an option, or the pain from leaving the love of your life for someone else? Well I guess we are all wanting a love that is one and only; whole and undivided. And I guess walking away is the option we have to take when we would like to keep the remains of our pride that has been scattered. Since our pride has been devastated from being put as an option by the only one person, we don’t have any energy remains to confront it. Hence sometimes we choose the hardest way out by walking away, and being hurt all alone.

“Though I still love you, I have to leave you, I have to forget you. Even if my heart loves you, this conscience needs you, I must let you go.” –Samsons, Not Myself (Bukan Diriku)








Setelah ku pahami ku bukan yang terbaik yang ada di hatimu
(After I understand that I’m not the best within your heart)
Tak dapat kusangsikan, ternyata dirinyalah yang mengerti kamu, bukanlah diriku
(I can be sure that he is the one who understand you, not myself)

Kini maafkanlah aku bila ku menjadi bisu kepada dirimu
(Now I’m sorry if I become silent towards you)
Bukan santunku terbungkam, hanya hatiku berbatas ‘tuk mengerti kamu, maafkanlah aku
(It’s not that my manner is being silenced, it’s just that my heart has its limits to understand you, forgive me)

Walau ku masih mencintaimu, ku harus meninggalkanmu, ku harus melupakanmu
(Though I still love you, I have to leave you, I have to forget you)
Meski hatiku menyayangimu, nurani membutuhkanmu, ku harus merelakanmu
(Even if my heart loves you, this conscience needs you, I must let you go)

Dan hanyalah dirimu yang mampu memahamiku, yang dapat mengerti aku
(And it’s only you who can understand me, who can comprehend me)
Ternyata dirinyalah yang sanggup menyanjungmu, yang lama menyentuhmu, bukanlah diriku
(It turns out that he is the one who can flatter you, who has touched you for long, not myself)

Walau ku masih mencintaimu, ku harus meninggalkanmu, ku harus melupakanmu
(Though I still love you, I have to leave you, I have to forget you)
Meski hatiku menyayangimu, nurani membutuhkanmu, ku harus merelakanmu
(Even if my heart loves you, this conscience needs you, I must let you go)

Walau ku masih mencintaimu, ku harus meninggalkanmu, ku harus melupakanmu
(Though I still love you, I have to leave you, I have to forget you)
Meski hatiku menyayangimu, nurani membutuhkanmu, ku harus merelakanmu
(Even if my heart loves you, this conscience needs you, I must let you go)

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