“I think I've already become a failure in this life, but I'll try my best.” –Yoon Ji Ho (Because This is My First Life, 2017)
“Going through this life is the first time for all of us anyway.” –Nam Se Hee (Because This is My First Life, 2017)
“Come to think of it, I've never been a striker in my life. I've always defended myself and stepped back at the right timing. I have neither the courage to take the ball nor the experience to avoid it. I'm an amateur defender.” –Yoon Ji Ho (Because This is My First Life, 2017)
“You mentioned your age is 30. It's the limit of your neocortex. It is located at the outer part of your brain and is in charge of the concept of time. Cats don't have neocortex unlike humans, so they don't get bored or depressed even if they have the same food or do the same things in the same house in their daily lives. Cats have neither a future nor a past. Only one kind of species on Earth lock themselves up in time. They're human beings. Only human beings use age to make others spend money and draw emotions. That's what humans got in exchange for evolution.” –Nam Se Hee (Because This is My First Life, 2017)
“There's a side to you that you never wish to show others no matter how close you are to them. Sometimes, your family can become the least close people to you. When I decided to follow my dream I thought my life would be like walking through a dark tunnel, but I didn't know it'd be this dark. I didn't know it'd be this lonely. How much longer do I have to go?” –Yoon Ji Ho (Because This is My First Life, 2017)
Have you ever felt exhausted, so much until you feel like this life is especially harsh towards you only? Have you ever felt excluded, so much until you feel like there is no kind of companion that could wash your loneliness away? Have you ever felt numb, so much until you feel like there is no need to fight the main stream in this life and just go with the flow? At some point in our life, to some extent, I bet everyone has ever felt that way. And I guess it is fine when sometimes we feel like not doing anything and just having some rest. I guess it is fine when sometimes we feel like taking a break from our daily routines just for breathing and thinking more all by ourselves. I guess it is fine when sometimes we feel like spending time all alone after making some mistakes at work or relationships with others. I guess it is fine when we decide some things that are against the common knowledge of the society where we live in. For this is the first time we live. For this is our first life as this human we are. “Because This is My First Life” is a Korean drama series that resonates well with people’s anxiety and point of view towards career, relationship, and marriage in today’s modern society, particularly the young-adult generation.
"Because This is My First Life" official series poster | source: asianwiki.com
Title : Because This is My First Life/This Life is Our First
Genre : romantic comedy, drama
Starring : Lee Min Ki, Jung So Min, Esom, Kim Ga Eun, Kim Min Seok, Park Byung Eun
Channel : tvN
No. of episodes : 16
Original broadcast : October – November 2017
“Because This is My First Life” is a Korean drama series broadcasted by tvN cable television network during October to November 2017. The storyline of this series revolves around three young-adult couple who are connected to each other, as they face their own dilemmas in life, particularly regarding career, romance relationship, and marriage. First couple is the main characters, 38 year-old Nam Se Hee (portrayed by Lee Min Ki) and 30 year-old Yoon Ji Ho (portrayed by Jung So Min), who were meeting by fate one day, not knowing that they would be a housemate because a mistake made by their peers. Second couple is both 30 year-old Yang Ho Rang (portrayed by Kim Ga Eun) and Shim Won Seok (portrayed by Kim Min Seok). They had been dating for 7 years since they were both in college. Though they were already living together, their financial issues had made it quite hard for them to get married immediately. Third couple is 30 year-old Woo Soo Ji (portrayed by Esom) and 38 year-old Ma Sang Goo (portrayed by Park Byung Eun), who were having a one-night-stand before meeting each other again because of business relation as well as their close peer-to-peer.
How were those people connected? Ji Ho, Ho Rang, and Soo Ji were bestfriends since highschool. They were first moving to Seoul from their hometown to study in college before finally graduating and working there. Won Seok, who was a longtime boyfriend of Ho Ran, was acquaintance with Ji Ho and Soo Ji since they went to Seoul National University. He had a senior in the same digital application business who was happened to be Sang Goo, the CEO of a mobile application developer. One of Sang Goo’s employee, as well as his close friend, was Se Hee. When Se Hee was looking for a tenant to help him pay for his house installments fee, Sang Goo asked Won Seok whether he had a friend who was looking for a rented room. Won Seok, not knowing that Se Hee was a man, asked Ho Rang whether Ji Ho was still looking for a room. Ji Ho, at that moment, was indeed looking for a place to stay with low price since she was recently kicked out from her previous house because her little brother got married. After all the accidental mess caused by the misunderstanding, one day, they were surprised to hear the news that Se Hee and Ji Ho was deciding to get married.
source: tvN
It actually took some time for me to write this review, since “Because This is My First Life” was so rich in terms of life’s value in the script of the storyline. Somehow, every couple depicted in this drama series has some things that I feel resonated with. So actually it was hard for me to describe it in such simple and short way about how this drama series had successfully come closer to our reality than any other series. However, I would be a bad writer if I cannot do that. So let me try. Okay, first of all, I will begin with Woo Soo Ji and Ma Sang Goo couple. As a human, we cannot choose who we were going to be born as, in which and what kind of family, and where or when. We cannot choose who were happened to be our parents, or whether we were raised by a single parent. We cannot choose whether we were born in a rich or poor family. All that we can do is just roll with it. We deal with it as we live. And the only choice we have is the way of how we deal with those things that were given in our life.
Soo Ji chose to work her ass off to make a better living for her mother, even if it means she had to work among all-male sexist colleagues that hurt her pride every time they made jokes on her. As long as she was paid well, she thought she could hang on. She lived as if it were her own choice, not knowing that she chose that out of certain situation that had forced her to have that choice as her own. However, as a man who loved her, Sang Goo couldn’t stand this situation. Knowing Soo Ji’s character as a bold and independent woman, what he tried to do was giving her courage to stand for herself. He knew he couldn’t strangle her for the sake of keeping her safe. Hence he tried to empower her. And at this point, we can learn what love is by realizing that loving is not only accepting and embracing the weakness of our partner, but also empowering them and giving the best to help them realize and reach their optimum potential. And that will be a start to a great romance relationship/partnership.
source: tvN
The second couple is the longtime lover, Yang Ho Rang and Shim Won Seok, which probably is the couple whom I feel related to the most at this point. At some point, I do agree that love and marriage are two different things. However, the society where we live in has constructed that marriage could exist because of love, and the other way around; that the final goal of love is marriage itself. The thing about marriage is: not all people understand that marriage is an institution that needs money and other material things in order to sustain itself. In my opinion, in this era of advance capitalism, getting married simply because of love is a privilege owned only by people who have certain amount of money, or, let’s say, rich. As middle-class people like Ho Rang and Won Seok, there are more things to be considered before getting married than upper-class people. How they will sustain their family? How they will get the money to pay daily bills, the house, the car, and many more? How and where will they raise their future children? People from middle-class think that they need to settle themselves first before they can begin to build their own family in a marriage.
I personally think that Ho Rang and Won Seok was the couple that grew up a lot during the series. We can see the changing in their relationship as they were both mentally and emotionally growing mature with all the turbulences that occurred. At first, they were both so trapped in a patriarchy mindset where the man should be the one who proposed, who got paid more than the woman, who had to be responsible towards everything in the relationship. However, as the story goes, they were evolving in a good sense. They finally learn that marriage is a longterm program that will prolong their relationship. Hence they need to think carefully about what they will achieve in the next years in their marriage if they continue with it. They learn that marriage needs so much more than just love. Love, is indeed the basic capital that they need to perpetuate their long-lasting relationship. They cannot just marry someone whom they are not in love with. And when they know they already have it, the next step is that they need to make a blue-print in order to build their marriage life, which takes more than just love in order to preserve it.
source: tvN
The last but not least, it is the couple of the main characters in this drama series, Yoon Ji Ho and Nam Se Hee. The thing that I feel resonating from this couple is probably their unique and progressive mindset in regards to career, relationship, and marriage. Like what Se Hee quoted in the drama series, according to sociologist Gary Becker, people only get married if it brings more benefits than being single. Those benefits are not only limited to material benefits, but also emotional benefits. When we marry someone we love, for example, we’re able to get rid some of insecure feelings we have when we are not marrying them. In other words, marriage is the way people keep themselves safe from any potential disadvantages. However, other kinds of disadvantage may come after marriage under many causes; one of the causes that is depicted in this drama series is the mindset that marriage is more sacred than the love itself. And sadly, that is the common sense that has been built in the society over generations. Hence, when two people decide to get married under a contract like what Se Hee and Ji Ho did, they raised their eyebrows.
One thing that I also learn from Se Hee and Ji Ho’s relationship is that when someone came into our life, they came with all of their life. They came with their past, present, and also their future. And when they were broken before, their broken heart also came along with them. That’s why honesty is one significant thing in a relationship. In order to build trust, ones cannot build it without honesty. And by being honest means we have to open up even our most secretive room inside ourselves. And in order to be able to do that, ones must recognize their own selves first; they must come to a closure with their past. They should not bring their old problems into their new relationship; for every relationship will have its own dilemma. Hence, before starting over, ones really need to finish dealing with their previous pain. People indeed need some time alone on their own. Hence, though two people have decided to live together, they need to have respect towards each other in regards to the time they spent with their own selves. And I was really amazed with Se Hee and Ji Ho’s decision in the end of this drama series. Marriage may be sacred, but love should be more sacred than the marriage itself, because that’s the way a relationship/partnership can be long-lasting.
source: tvN
My heart was broken so many times when I watched this drama series. There were just so many things that came across my mind. And there were so many things that resonated with my own reality at this moment. Things that I’ve just described above were only a few of them. In some way along the series, I could understand why some characters chose to make some decision that seemed to be weird for me. I could understand why Woo Soo Ji decided to hold on for so long when she was not happy with her job. I could understand why she was not interesting in marriage in the first place. I could understand why she was avoiding a serious relationship with a man, and why she didn’t introduce her mother to her male friends. I could understand why Ho Rang could not be truly honest towards Won Seok about the thing she wanted the most. I could understand why she decided to hold on for so long in her relationship with him. I could understand why she cared so much about her age and about how long she had been in a relationship with Won Seok. That is all because of the social construct in this modern society we live in.
The socio-cultural background of South Korea, particularly in terms of social norms and piety, is not very different from Indonesia. Probably that is why I can relate with the storyline of this drama series, since I have to admit that this is the first time I watch a drama series that depicts the life of young-adult in the Eastern country’s society that is so close to reality. The scriptwriter really did a great job in capturing the reality of nowadays young people’s daily life yet fundamental problems and dilemmas in regards to career, relationship, and marriage. Each couple portrays different perspectives and it enriches the storyline. And yes, as a young-adult living in the modern society of Eastern country, sometimes our decision is not merely just our decision only. Most of the times, our decision means our parents’ decision, our family’s, or even our close peer-group’s. We take other people along in our choices too much out of norms and piety. And that could be a backlash for us. Along the way, we might make choice that we didn’t actually want to make just because we want to please people around us. And that is the ugly truth of nowadays reality. And do you know what the worse thing is? It is that we often do not realize that we even do it. We think we have the freedom when we actually don’t. Our choice, our decision, even when we think it is all based on our own preference, we subconsciously involve other people in it. And what’s sadder is that we cannot get out easily from this kind of hegemony.
source: tvN
In a nutshell, “Because This is My First Life” is really satisfying me in all senses. It has the greatest and most realistic storyline so far. It has the perfect ensemble cast that each actor really lives up to their character. It has beautiful soundtracks that are well-suited with the atmosphere of the series. At first, I was interested to watch this drama series just because of Lee Min Ki, since this series marks his first small screen lead role since 2017. All of these years, he just played mostly in movies. Hence I was excited as well as curious to see him in a drama series as the lead character. On the other hand, I was never a big fan of Jung So Min. However, I have to admit that she was great in this series. And I have to note that I love Esom’s performance. She is truly a scene-stealer. The special appearance by Lee Chung Ah also left awesome remarks in my mind. “Because This is My First Life” is definitely one of Korean dramas that you must watch. It’s simple but honest. It’s complicated but close to our daily life reality. It is everything that you need to get from a television series. In the end, wherever you are and whoever you are, it is okay to do trial and error, since this is our first life anyway.
“You have to have a strong mentality to date anyone. Otherwise, you won't be able to. Dating is a competition these days.” –Woo Soo Ji (Because This is My First Life, 2017)
“Girls never say what they want directly. They want to hear it from guys. To hear what they want to hear, they keep talking to their man but they keep beating around the bush. It can be strong sometimes. It can be cute sometimes. But in the end, it will make you go crazy.” –Ma Sang Goo (Because This is My First Life, 2017)
“Ji Ho is a woman with determination. I may not know her that well yet, but when she decided to write scenarios, when she decided to quit writing, and when she decided to get married, she made all those choices for herself. She may seem weak and shy, but she's a very determined person. Her heart is really strong. She doesn't do anything that makes her unhappy. Therefore, she will eventually take the path that makes her happy and I'm not going to be in her way while I'm married to her. That's all the promise I can make. I'm sorry. I can't make promises to make her happy or protect her.” –Nam Se Hee (Because This is My First Life, 2017)
“I love you so much. I always want to be with you, that's why I'm living with you now. However, I don't know what it is like to get married yet. You know I can't live without you, but I don't know if getting married is the same as loving someone.” –Shim Won Seok (Because This is My First Life, 2017)
“Being romantic and having a relationship are something you can't dream of without spending money and energy. That's why I misunderstood this time. Because of what you said, I thought I finally got something easily this time. I thought I found someone I can be called “us” with.” –Yoon Ji Ho (Because This is My First Life, 2017)
“I married him because it's him. I'm not going to say his job and his house didn't play a part, but if it was someone else, I wouldn't have married that person even with the same conditions.” –Yoon Ji Ho (Because This is My First Life, 2017)
“Unless we try hard, we can't understand each other. Love exists in this kind of world. As long as you love someone, you have to try hard. Trying hard for someone makes life something worth trying at.” –Yoon Ji Ho (Because This is My First Life, 2017)
They must think that I’m pathetic, For having this modest dream that is love. They must think that I’m pitiful and sad, For having this simple dream that is love. I think they are shallow, For not realizing that dream is different from things we want to do. I think they are superficial, For not realizing that dream is different from things we need to get. For me, dream is more than just a goal, More than just some kind of occupation, some achievement, More than just some certain condition, some kind of standards. For me, dream is our value of life, It’s in the way we feel for things in this universe, It’s in the way we accept and embrace ourselves. I have things I want to do, I have things I need to achieve, They are my life goals, And they are different from my dream. Dream is the spirit, The source of my strength, The sanctuary to my soul, Dream is what I always seek for, And it is what I try to keep safe in my heart once I’ve found it. For me, dream is the love itself. M.F
Why do people always separate dreams from love? Can’t the love be the dream itself? How many times now that I’ve been swallowing my own pride, Standing here in front of you to say I’m sorry? How many times now that I’ve been running to you every time you call, Just to show how much I do care for you? And yet people say that we shouldn’t give up our dreams for love; Little did they know that my dream is the love itself. It’s hours before the dawn, And as I listen to my heartbeat one by one, I realize that every part of it is longing to reach out for you. M.F
“I want to be in the kind of relationship where I feel the tiredness of my day getting washed off just by hugging you once, even if you don’t make my heart flutter every second.” –Kim Mi So (What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?, 2018)
“My every moment was you. When I loved, and also when I was in pain. Even at our moment of farewell, you were the whole world to me, and every moment was you. Without you, I don’t think I can explain the story of my life so far.” –Lee Young Joon (What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?, 2018)
“In this dreary and confusing life, while you deal with your business, you suddenly wonder what they are doing all of a sudden, and think of that person first instead of yourself. That’s enough of a reason to call it love.” –Lee Young Joon (What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?, 2018)
“Hurting someone or stealing something isn’t the only things that make you guilty. Incompetence and being unaware of your incompentence make you guilty too.” –Lee Young Joon (What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?, 2018)
“The most important thing you should remember is to make sure you make time for yourself.” –Kim Mi So (What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?, 2018)
As we live this life, some people unconsciously put themselves aside in order to put some others first. They think about other people too much more than they think about themselves. They put other people first before themselves. Though they are being considerate, everything that is “too much” is not always good. However, sadly that is what mostly happens in this modern society. Some people live their life by serving other people’s needs, rather than really thinking about what they really want and need to do in their life. It is not that they cannot do it, most of the times it is just that they don’t have the time to be able to do things for themselves. It’s often because of the demand of the modern society that has put some people in the situation and condition where they cannot actually choose to do things for themselves. They work hard like a cow for sustaining their family. They spend most of their times fulfilling the needs of other people in order to be able to get paid and survive in capitalistic-minded era. How can ones able to find themselves then? Korean drama series, “What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?” depicts the hardship of finding oneself in modern life.
"What's Wrong with Secretary Kim?" official series poster | source: asianwiki.com
Title : What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?/Why Secretary Kim?
Genre : romance comedy, adaptation
Starring : Park Min Young, Park Seo Joon, Lee Tae Hwan, Kang Ki Young
Channel : tvN
No. of episodes : 16
Original broadcast : June –July 2018
“What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?”, or also known as “Why, Secretary Kim?” is a Korean drama series adapted from a novel and popular webtoon series of the same name. This romance comedy drama follows the story of the titular character, Kim Mi So (portrayed by Park Min Young), the secretary of a Vice Chairman (and also the heir) of one of the biggest companies in South Korea, Yoomyung Group. She was diligent, hard-working, detailed, and super-capable secretary whose skills were hard to catch up by other employees. Secretary Kim had been working for Lee Young Joon (portrayed by Park Seo Joon) for nine years since he was first joining the company. Lee was a brilliant and gorgeous man and unfortunately he knew it too well, hence it made him having this narcissistic personality that makes people around him feeling quite uncomfortable. In front of Secretary Kim and all of his employees and co-workers, he seemed to be so bold and straightforward; and nine years were quite a time for someone to be able to hold out to work closely with someone like him. Hence, many people in Yoomyung Group had respect towards Secretary Kim.
After holding on for so long, one day, Secretary Kim suddenly gave a two-week notice for Lee that she was going to resign from her job as his long-time secretary. And that he needed to search for her successor in the mean time she prepared for her departure from the company. Lee was baffled at the announcement. He didn’t want to lose Kim as her secretary, for he was believe that there’s no one else that could keep up to his pace like what Secretary Kim had done for the past nine years. Besides, he had another personal reason why he wanted to keep Secretary Kim by his side. By seeking guidance from his close friend as well as the Director of Yoomyung Group, Park Yoo Sik (Kang Ki Young), Lee began to dig about the reason why Secretary Kim wanted to resign. He was also making a plan to make her cancel her resignation, including a plan to seduce her, as he found out that Secretary Kim using the excuse to have a relationship and get married for resigning; resulting him in getting a full month before Kim finally leaving the company. However, as the two got closer by Lee’s plans, Kim began to learn the secret that Lee kept all this time.
source: tvN
When “What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?” first aired, people were already talking about it and my expectation began to rise as the popularity of this drama series was soaring in the social media. When I finally finished watching this series, I was indeed feeling entertained and this series was far from boring. However, some lingering thoughts were going in my mind for some time. One of those is the moral of the story where the need of someone to live for themselves is indeed important. The story began with the resignation announcement from Secretary Kim, who has been serving her narcissistic employer in order to get some time for herself. She’s been spending her last nine years living for someone else (her boss) in order to support her sisters’ college tuition and pay her father’s debt. After her sisters graduating and getting a job, and all the debt has paid, for the first time in her life she got a chance to live for herself. This premise has gotten me so in the beginning. Indeed, as a human, we need time for ourselves; at least, for thinking about what we really want and need in our life, not as somebody’s person, but as our own self.
However, the society has been harshly shaping people into a half-human and half-robot who spend their life as the social label pinned on themselves by the society instead of living as a whole human for themselves. And it’s a sad and bitter reality. Kim was doing her best as Lee Young Joon’s secretary, and she was a dutiful daughter for her family; however, who was she when we take out Lee and her family from her life? We only live once, yet most of us spending this one lifetime by serving other people’s needs more than fulfilling our own needs. The same thing goes for Lee. He was the heir for one of biggest companies in the country; hence he lived his life trying hard to fulfill that position that had been given to him since his birth. However, who was he when we take out the company from his life? Can people really make a choice for themselves? I got to pinpoint the Lee Sung Yeon (portrayed by Lee Tae Hwan) character in this drama series. This older brother of Lee chose to get rid of his heir status and decided to become a novel author. However, this choice wasn’t purely his intention, for he was apparently trying to run away from his past.
source: tvN
From the storyline of this drama series, we learn that apparently we can really make a choice for ourselves only when we have learnt how to deal with our past; particularly, the childhood scars. Childhood scars are indeed one of the most fearful things in someone’s life, for the scars remain within ourselves even though time has passed and we have grown through the pain. And facing our deepest fear is one of the hardest things to do in life. However, running or hiding away from it won’t settle ourselves. No matter how hard, we have to try to face and fight it in order to find a closure for ourselves. And in order to do that, the first and the hardest thing to do is to be honest to ourselves, for that is the only way we can then be honest to our partner as well. I also think that honesty is one important thing in a romance relationship. When we cannot be truly and deeply honest to your partner, then we cannot put the one important foundation in a relationship: trust. When there is no trust, there is no healthy relationship. When there is no healthy relationship, there is no point of a relationship anymore. Hence, trust is one of the keys to face our fears, as well as to love.
As a scholar, though, I must say that “What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?” is sadly not being free from the social construction that has been established. Even more sadly, at some point to some extent, this drama series seem to preserve what is called as the ‘Disney princess fairytale syndrome’ in popular media. The portrayal of Secretary Kim who resembles the modern day of Cinderella has been my main concern when I finished watching the series; because in the end, even the main protagonist in the series is defined by the existence of the male character, that ‘marriage’ is always the final destination, and that the ‘wedding ceremony’ is always the ending that marks the ‘happily ever after’ life for the protagonist. At first, I was excited to know that Kim was going to find herself. However, as the story goes by, I was disappointed to know that even Kim defined herself and her existence in the end by the existence of her childhood hero, who’s happened to be the man that she fell in love with. Hence, for me, the plot of main protagonist in this drama series might seem dull and predictable. However, it was forgiven instead by the plot of supporting characters.
source: tvN
When watching “What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?”, I admired how not only the main characters, but also the supporting characters were well-built. Actually it wasn’t a surprise when it’s a novel adaptation, but how the production crew had successfully brought the strong characters in the novel into life-action deserved a standing ovation. Each character was strongly and well-built and successfully gave colorful atmosphere towards the drama series. I really love the relationships between supporting characters too. It wasn’t there just as accessories but it was there to help building the whole plot into a full-circle. The chemistry between Park Seo Joon and Park Min Young was also something else. Portraying two people who are less experience in romance and love life is indeed hard enough for two experienced people like them. However, they did great in portraying Lee Young Joon and Kim Mi So, respectively, who are newbies in terms of romance and experience everything for the first time together; the sincerity, the innocence, they got it all. In a nutshell, “What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?” is the epitome of romance comedy drama series. It’s satisfying our senses in terms of lovey-dovey humor. So when you need something to refresh your mind without any heavy thought, this drama series will be a good choice.
“There are truths that are too painful to know.” –Lee Young Joon (What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?, 2018)
“Feeling sorry for something you don’t remember is just being hypocritical, isn’t it?” –Lee Young Joon (What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?, 2018)
“I know it’s hard, but I wish you will put down the agony and be free. Don’t do it for me. Do it for yourself.” –Lee Young Joon (What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?, 2018)
“We all should live for the future. Until when are you going to let such old memories bog you down? It’s all in the past. Does it still matter to you that much?” –Lee Young Joon (What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?, 2018)
“People say that it’s valuable to sacrifice yourself in your life. But it’s actually not. You just lose yourself by suffering and sacrificing. In any circumstances, the most important thing is yourself. Never forget that you’re most precious and the top priority in any moment.” –Lee Young Joon (What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?, 2018)
Tujuh puluh tiga bukan merupakan angka yang sedikit, apalagi ketika menyangkut soal usia. Jika itu manusia, maka di usia 73 ia telah menjadi seorang nenek atau kakek, atau bahkan seorang buyut, apabila ia dulu punya anak di usia 20-an, lalu anaknya punya anak di usia 20-an, dan cucunya punya anak di usia 20-an pula. Namun bagaimana jika itu sebuah negara? Apa yang bisa diharapkan dari negara yang telah berusia 73 tahun? Apa yang seharusnya sudah dicapai oleh negara yang telah merdeka selama 73 tahun? Mungkin, bayangan kita tentang konsep “tua” tidak berlaku bagi sebuah negara. Jika usia 73 bagi manusia dapat dengan mudah membuat manusia tersebut termasuk dalam kategori orang “tua”, maka tidak demikian dengan negara. Menurut saya, usia 73 bagi sebuah negara masihlah sangat muda, mengingat tahun masehi saja sudah mencapai angka 2018, maka berarti negara tersebut belum ada separuh zaman usianya. Hari ini, Indonesia merayakan 73 tahun merdekanya negara kesatuan republik ini. Sebelum lebih jauh melanjutkan tulisan saya, saya ingin mengucapkan selamat kepada negeri ini; 73 tahun bukanlah waktu yang sebentar, dengan segala dinamikanya, terima kasih telah bertahan sejauh ini.
Pagi ini saya terbangun dengan kondisi kalut. Lamat-lamat terdengar suara dari televisi di kamar Ayah dan Ibu saya di sebelah; suara upacara bendera. Ah, hari ini tanggal 17 ternyata. Cukup menarik, karena 17 Agustus 1945 jatuh pada hari Jum’at, seperti sekarang. Entah mengapa, saya enggan langsung beranjak dari tempat tidur, dan memutuskan untuk mendengarkan suara upacara bendera di Istana Negara yang ditayangkan secara langsung di televisi. Sembari berbaring dan mendengarkan saya mengingat-ingat kapan terakhir kali saya ikut upacara bendera. Rasanya sudah lama sekali sehingga saya lupa. Apakah sewaktu SMA sepuluh tahun yang lalu? Ataukah saya pernah mengalaminya ketika kuliah? Waktu KKN, mungkin, di SD tempat saya mengajar? Ah, saya benar-benar tidak bisa mengingatnya. Kemudian saya ingat bahwa beberapa tahun yang lalu saya pernah menulis kritik mengenai ritus upacara bendera. Kalau tidak salah, waktu itu kurang lebih isinya seputar: bahwa ritus upacara bendera yang semi-dipaksakan oleh sistem pendidikan dasar dan menengah di negeri ini sesungguhnya kurang efektif dalam membangun rasa nasionalisme, dan bahwa rasa nasionalisme tidak semata diwujudkan melalui ritus upacara bendera. Namun, kali ini saya tidak ingin bicara soal ritus upacara bendera lagi.
Saya ingin bicara soal “kemerdekaan”. Apakah arti kemerdekaan? Apakah negara ini sudah benar-benar “merdeka”? Kemerdekaan milik siapa yang selalu diagung-agungkan selama ini? Kemerdekaan atas apa? Kemerdekaan yang bagaimana? Apabila “kemerdekaan” semata diartikan sebagai kebebasan atas kolonialisme, maka mungkin negara kita memang telah merdeka secara institusional. Namun ketika “kemerdekaan” mencakup pemaknaan yang lebih luas, seperti misalnya kebebasan atas imperialisme, benarkah kita sudah merdeka? Karena sepertinya, imperialisme masih ada dengan gaya baru yang bahkan tidak selalu kita sadari ada dan melekat dalam sistem sosial yang sudah mapan di masyarakat Indonesia selama ini. Berbagai sektor industri yang signifikan masih dipegang oleh pihak-pihak luar negeri. Berbagai produk yang signifikan masih didatangkan dari luar negeri. Berbagai standar dan indikator atas “keberhasilan” dan “kesuksesan” masih didasarkan pada standar dan indikator luar negeri. Pada tataran ini, saya rasa, masyarakat kita belum sepenuhnya merdeka dari imperialisme.
Sewaktu SD dulu saya sering mendapatkan tugas untuk membacakan naskah Pembukaan Undang-Undang Dasar Negara Republik Indonesia tahun 1945 ketika upacara bendera berlangsung. Oleh karena itu sedikit banyak saya masih mengingat beberapa penggal kalimat dari naskah tersebut. salah satunya yang paling saya ingat adalah, kurang lebih begini bunyinya: “kemerdekaan ialah hak segala bangsa, dan oleh sebab itu, maka penjajahan di atas dunia harus dihapuskan, karena tidak sesuai dengan perikemanusiaan dan perikeadilan”. Dari penggalan naskah tersebut dapat disimpulkan bahwa meraih kemerdekaan berarti mewujudkan nilai-nilai kemanusiaan dan keadilan. Dari situ saja kita dapat mengambil kesimpulan bahwa sesungguhnya kemerdekaan adalah menanamkan “kemanusiaan” dan “keadilan” pada diri tiap individu yang ada di negara ini; bahwa untuk menjadi individu yang merdeka, kita harus merasa menjadi manusia dan memperoleh keadilan. Namun, sepanjang 73 tahun negara ini merdeka, sudahkah kemerdekaan itu dirasakan oleh tiap individu yang ada?
Tidak dapat dipungkiri bahwa sejarah bangsa Indonesia adalah sejarah yang penuh jejak darah. Baik masa sebelum maupun sesudah proklamasi kemerdekaan, banyak darah telah tertumpah di tanah bumi pertiwi ini. Dan pada momen peringatan proklamasi kemerdekaan ini, saya tidak dapat menafikkan pikiran mengenai pekerjaan rumah terbesar yang seharusnya dilakukan oleh Indonesia sebagai sebuah bangsa: mengakui dan menerima sejarah kelamnya. Tentu saja menulis dan berkata tidak semudah melakukannya. Pun untuk mengakui dan menerima sejarah kelam, yang selama puluhan tahun telah dikurung sedemikian rapat dalam konstruksi sejarah yang telah mapan dan terus dilanggengkan oleh pemerintah yang berkuasa, bukanlah merupakan sesuatu yang mudah. Satu hal yang jelas diperlukan adalah mentalitas masyarakat Indonesia sendiri dalam kemauan dan kemampuan untuk menguak sisi sejarah kelam yang selama ini disembunyikan oleh buaian sistem sosial tersebut. Namun, sulit bukan berarti mustahil. Berkaca pada negeri lain yang memiliki kisah serupa seperti Jerman dan Korea Selatan, hal tersebut bukan merupakan sesuatu yang mustahil untuk kelak dapat dicapai oleh bangsa Indonesia.
Sejarah kelam yang seperti apa yang saya bicarakan di sini? Sejarah kelam yang saya bicarakan di di sini adalah peristiwa-peristiwa berdarah di mana ratusan ribu hingga jutaan jiwa dieksekusi, dipenjarakan tanpa pengadilan, serta diperlakukan tidak manusiawi dan tidak adil, atau dengan kata lain: peristiwa di mana sekelompok orang, menggunakan atas nama negara, telah mengebiri kemerdekaan sekelompok orang lainnya. Dan sepanjang pengamatan saya, peristiwa tersebut paling banyak tercatat sejak runtuhnya era Orde Lama dan berkuasanya rezim Orde Baru, bahkan hingga era Reformasi saat ini. Salah satu peristiwa terbesar yang dampaknya menggerogoti sendi-sendi masyarakat Indonesia hingga ke titik yang paling krusial dan mikro, yaitu tragedi 1965, hingga saat ini belum menemukan ujung-pangkalnya. Ketika Jerman sudah menemukan penyelesaian (closure) atas tragedi genosida Nazi, dan ketika Korea Selatan telah memulai proses berdamai dengan masa lalu di mana pernah terjadi kekejaman rezim militer-otoriter, Indonesia masih belum beranjak dari sana. Bahkan untuk mengakui bahwa pernah terjadi genosida, bahwa sejarah tidak diungkapkan secara seluruhnya dan terlalu timpang dan bias terhadap sayap kanan, bahwa sebuah rezim telah melakukan pelanggaran berat terhadap HAM selama masa berkuasanya itu saja negeri ini masih belum mampu, apalagi untuk mengadili para pihak yang bertanggungjawab atas itu semua.
Pakar (baca: dewa) politik dan sejarah, Max Lane, pernah berkata bahwa wajah keji sekaligus kesuksesan dari propaganda rezim Orde Baru adalah keberhasilan rezim tersebut dalam menanamkan pemahaman sehingga menjadi konstruksi yang mapan dalam sistem sosial masyarakat Indonesia, yaitu pemahaman bahwa pihak-pihak yang dibantai pada peristiwa tersebut adalah pihak-pihak yang layak untuk dibunuh, diculik, disiksa, dihilangkan dari catatan sejarah, dan dicap sebagai pengkhianat bangsa hingga keturunan mereka, sehingga pihak-pihak yang melakukan kekejaman tersebut tidak melihat aksi yang mereka lakukan sebagai kekejaman, melainkan sebagai tindakan heroik untuk membela bangsa dan negara; mereka tidak dianggap sebagai warga negara Indonesia bahkan manusia, melainkan musuh atau bahkan (maaf) binatang yang layak untuk dibantai. Dengan kata lain, rezim Orde Baru telah berhasil menghilangkan kemanusiaan dari muka bumi Indonesia. Ironis bukan? Rezim tersebut telah membangun jalan raya, gedung-gedung, kota besar, namun pada saat yang bersamaan, tanpa masyarakat sadari, rasa kemanusiaan diberangus secara halus.
Dalam catatan sejarah Indonesia yang dimapankan oleh rezim Orde Baru, pihak-pihak tersebut bahkan tidak dianggap sebagai korban. Mereka dikonstruksikan sedemikian rupa sebagai pihak yang jahat yang layak untuk mendapatkan perlakuan tidak manusiawi. Dengan kata lain, mereka tidak dimanusiakan. Bahkan hingga kini, mereka masih dikonstruksikan sebagai pihak yang tidak layak untuk mendapatkan keadilan. Pertanyaannya kemudian, di mana letak kemerdekaan bagi mereka? Lebih dari setengah abad telah berlalu semenjak peristiwa tersebut, namun mereka yang masih bertahan hidup dari kejadian tersebut masih hidup dalam stigma serta perlakuan yang tidak manusiawi dan tidak adil dari sistem sosial di mana mereka hidup. Sampai kapan kondisi ini akan terus berlangsung? Dari waktu ke waktu, mereka terus menjadi korban atas konstruksi politik dan ekonomi yang dimanfaatkan oleh pihak-pihak tertentu untuk meraih kekuasaan. Peristiwa tersebut hanya salah satu contoh saja. Masih banyak peristiwa lain dalam catatan sejarah 73 tahun merdekanya bangsa Indonesia yang kelam, berdarah, dan belum terungkap seluruhnya, seperti kasus kematian Munir, wartawan Udin, hilangnya Widji Thukul, dan masih banyak lagi.
Selama pelanggaran HAM masih terjadi di muka bumi Indonesia, negeri ini dapat dikatakan belum mencapai kemerdekaan yang sesungguhnya. Kita bisa saja terus melangkah maju. Kita bisa mencoba menutup mata atas sejarah kelam masa lalu. Kita bisa mencoba fokus pada kekayaan alam yang kita miliki, sumber daya manusia yang semakin cerdas dalam bidang sains dan teknologi, serta potensi-potensi bangsa lainnya dalam bidang seni, agrikultur, industri, kesehatan, pendidikan, dan lain sebagainya. Namun, apa gunanya ketika mentalitas kita sebagai bangsa masih belum cukup dewasa dan bijak dalam menyikapi masa lalu kita? Kedamaian batin dan kesejahteraan materiil belum akan sepenuhnya tercapai tanpa upaya untuk menerima masa lalu yang paling kelam. Tanpa penyelesaian atas kasus-kasus pelanggaran HAM, Indonesia akan menjadi bangsa yang mekanis alih-alih humanis; dan itu merupakan sesuatu yang miris. Nilai-nilai luhur Pancasila dan semboyan Bhinneka Tunggal Ika yang sesungguhnya sangat humanis itu hanya akan menjadi artefak semata; sekadar kata-kata tanpa manifestasi nyata. 73 tahun dan perjalanan masih panjang bagi bangsa ini. Entah mengapa saya masih optimis dan memiliki keyakinan terhadap kemanusiaan; bahwa bangsa kita pasti bisa mewujudkan kedamaian dan kesejahteraan yang tidak semu, bahwa kita pasti bisa meraih kemerdekaan yang sesungguhnya bagi tiap individu.
Ingin berilmu, kau dibodohi; dikatanya politik, kau dibohongi;
Masalah teologi, kau didustai; hingga akhirnya nanti ‘kan lupa diri.
Tak tahu yang terjadi...
Manusia menuai zamannya, sedang iblis pun tertawa.
