What’s the Meaning of Waiting?

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Have you ever tired of waiting? It’s the worst feeling ever, I guess. Well, if it’s not the worst then it’s definitely one of the worst things. It’s like you are driving fast on a motorcycle only to find a blocked road ahead. And suddenly you find yourself in a shock (a very big one that makes your heart skips a beat or more) because you have to pull the break very hard and stop immediately. Have you ever tired of waiting? It’s like every single effort you’ve done is going to waste. It’s like every single endeavor you’ve given is wasting in vain. Do you understand how painful it feels? Do you realize how hurtful it is? It’s beyond words. And listening to any kind of broken-heart songs won’t heal anything. And drinking to many glasses of wine can’t fix anything. You are just breaking apart inside out. You are just tearing apart outside in. And in the end, the most painful thing is probably when you realize that everything has become useless now. You are tired of wondering all alone whether the love will come. You are exhausted of pondering all by yourself whether it’s all worth it.

“It’s been a long time I hold out for the sake of love, actualizing a hope. But I guess I have enough of waiting, every feeling has gone.” –Raisa, Apalah (Arti Menunggu) [What’s the Meaning (of Waiting)]

This song is titled “Apalah (Arti Menunggu) [What’s the Meaning (of Waiting)]”, performed by Indonesian young diva, Raisa. It was released on May 14th 2011 and served as the second single taken from the singer’s self-titled debut studio album. The pop ballad track was written by Raisa herself along with Ramadhan Handyanto Jiwatama and Adrianto Ario Seto. Lyrically, it speaks about the feeling of someone who has gotten extremely tired by the pain of waiting towards the person they love to come, because it seems to never happen.
“Apalah (Arti Menunggu) [What’s the Meaning (of Waiting)]” single cover | source: Universal Music Indonesia

We would do anything for love, wouldn’t we? Well, if you asked me, my answer would be yes. Yes, I’m just that kind of person. I’m just that kind of person who would do anything for love. I’m just that kind of person who would care less about my own self as long as I could make the one that I love happy. I’m that kind of person who puts everything regarding to the need of the one that I love beyond my own needs. I’m that kind of person who is willing to sacrifice everything that I have for the sake of the one that I love. It’s all for a hope; a hope that someday I will live happily ever after with that person. However, it’s my own fault that I never learned that there is no such thing as a happily ever after. I should have learned. And I should have known. And I should have done better. But yes, here I am, left lying naked on the floor with nothing at all but a shame on me and myself, and all the feeling that has gone. “It’s been a long time I hold out for the sake of love, actualizing a hope. But I guess I have enough of waiting, every feeling has gone.”
The thing is: can you really say that enough is enough? Can you really do it? Even a bird in the cage sometimes doesn’t go out even when the door of the cage is being left open. Even though we realize that the love is artificial, that it’s only a false reality created by some sugar-coated seem-to-be-rational things, can we really have enough of it? Can we really stop? Can we really get out of it? Can we really walk away from it? Or is our trauma getting bigger than our conscience? Or is our fear getting deeper than our guts? Or is the pseudo-love winning over the reality? “You were everything before; it was only you inside my heart before. But now I understand, I don’t need to wait for a love that is artificial.” It’s true that there was love. It’s true that the person was everything we had. It’s true that there was only that person inside our heart and mind. However, how much deeper you have to get hurt for you to realize that it’s time to go? How many scars you have to get for you to take a stand and move on? How long you have to wait for something that will never come?
“Now I realize, the love that I wait for will never come. What’s the meaning of my waiting if you don’t love anymore?” And here you are, in the middle of the night, all alone blankly staring at the ceiling, wondering what the hell are you doing here? And you got tired of just staying awake. You try to sleep but you just can’t. And falling asleep seems to be harder thing to do than working on your thesis. You try to do some other things like watching movie or cooking some supper but you can’t find the energy because you’re too drunk. And yet you can’t sleep. And you are left pondering all alone through the night whether the love will ever come. But then you realize the harsh bitter truth: it will never come. And then you start to question yourself: what’s the meaning of this long waiting anyway? What’s even the meaning of it all? Your presence is taken for granted once more. And how many more it has to take until you realize it? Whether you’re waiting or not, it will never come anyway. For how long do you have to torment yourself until you realize?
"Raisa" album cover | source: Universal Music Indonesia

A dear friend of mine once told me that believing in a potential is all good, but there has to be a limit. We cannot wait for something that won’t happen. Well, that friend of mine got a point. I guess it’s a good thing that we still have faith towards something, but we got to give a slack towards ourselves too for not letting us being taken for granted. When we are tired, just take a rest. When we are exhausted, make a room for ourselves to breathe. When we want to take some time, just take some time. When we need to stop, just stop. When we feel that we’ve had enough, just have it enough. When we are not ready, just prepare ourselves. When we are afraid, just brace ourselves. When we feel abused, just get away from there. When we feel violated, just take off from there. When we think that we need to speak, just speak it up. When we feel that conversation is no longer working, just stay calm. When we are stuck, just take a moment to think; think about everything, just think it through. And try to get some sleep now. Tomorrow is a different day.

“Now I realize, the love that I wait for will never come. What’s the meaning of my waiting if you don’t love anymore?” –Raisa, Apalah (Arti Menunggu) [What’s the Meaning (of Waiting)]




Telah lama aku bertahan demi cinta, wujudkan sebuah harapan
(It’s been a long time I hold out for the sake of love, actualizing a hope)
Namun ku rasa cukup ku menunggu, semua rasa t’lah hilang
(But I guess I have enough of waiting, every feeling has gone)

Sekarang aku tersadar, cinta yang ku tunggu tak kunjung datang
(Now I realize, the love that I wait for will never come)
Apalah arti aku menunggu bila kamu tak cinta lagi?
(What’s the meaning of my waiting if you don’t love anymore?)

Namun ku rasa cukup ku menunggu, semua rasa t’lah hilang
(But I guess I have enough of waiting, every feeling has gone)

Sekarang aku tersadar, cinta yang ku tunggu tak kunjung datang
(Now I realize, the love that I wait for will never come)
Apalah arti aku menunggu bila kamu tak cinta lagi?
(What’s the meaning of my waiting if you don’t love anymore?)

Dahulu kaulah segalanya, dahulu hanya dirimu yang ada di hatiku
(You were everything before, it was only you inside my heart before)
Namun sekarang aku mengerti, tak perlu ku menunggu sebuah cinta yang semu
(But now I understand, I don’t need to wait for a love that is artificial)

Sekarang aku tersadar, cinta yang ku tunggu tak kunjung datang
(Now I realize, the love that I wait for will never come)
Apalah arti aku menunggu bila kamu tak cinta lagi?
(What’s the meaning of my waiting if you don’t love anymore?)
Sekarang aku tersadar, cinta yang ku tunggu tak kunjung datang
(Now I realize, the love that I wait for will never come)
Apalah arti aku menunggu bila kamu tak cinta lagi?
(What’s the meaning of my waiting if you don’t love anymore?)

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