She Used to be Mine



Once I read somewhere that the worst thing in a relationship (any kind of relationship) is actually not losing the one we love, but it’s losing ourselves instead. I used to not knowing how it feels to lose myself. Since I’m a straightforward person, I used to build relationships with people whom I feel comfortable around with. If I’m not comfortable with them, then I will slowly retreat from getting further with the relationships. However, as I grew up I learned that not every relationship can be thrown away easily. And now I’ve learned how it feels to lose myself. Some relationships demand us to bend ourselves. Some relationships break us up inside and reshape us into something new or entirely different. Yes, life is funny sometimes. And life throws us with those relationships with some reasons, I guess. And yes, it feels awful to find that we have lost ourselves in our way along the journey of the relationship. And somewhere in the middle of the night, we ponder all alone while trying hard to scratch what’s left of our old selves, in order to get it back.

“She’s imperfect but she tries, she is good but she lies. She is hard on herself. She is broken and won’t ask for help. She is messy but she’s kind, she is lonely most of the time. She is all of this mixed up, and baked in a beautiful pie. She is gone but she used to be mine.” –Sara Bareilles, She Used to be Mine

Have you ever heard a song and listened to its lyrics and just found out yourself feeling connected with it? Well, that is exactly how I feel when I first listened to this song. I don’t know why, but perhaps it’s because I was listening to it accidentally at the right moment. It’s a song titled “She Used to be Mine”, performed by American singer-songwriter, Sara Bareilles. It was released on September 25th 2015 as the lead single taken from the singer’s fifth studio album, “What’s Inside: Songs from Waitress”. The album is featuring songs from musical stage adaptation of the 2007 film, “Waitress”. Bareilles wrote and composed this soul pop rock track. Lyrically, it follows the story of a woman who has conversation with herself as she’s reflecting upon her life so far, what she’s been through, and what she has become now. Realizing that has lost some parts of herself, she tries to regain what she lost by holding onto the pieces that is left from her old self. She would like to be her old self again, but she’s still trying to find it.


"What's Inside: Songs from Waitress" album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

I believe that every romance relationship starts from a good place. We feel connected in the beginning. We feel great, amazing, and most importantly, we feel real. We feel comfortable being our own self when we are with our significant other. However, as the relationship goes on, these two human beings in the relationship gradually get to know one another. And in the process, we begin to bend. We affect each other through the journey, the good and the bad times, the problems and the conflicts, the arguments and the moments. Those are affecting us. And whether we realize it or not, there is a changing from within ourselves. Hence, it’s hard to admit when we realize that something is changing about ourselves, because we fit in our own skin in the beginning. “It’s not simple to say most days I don’t recognize me; that these shoes and this apron, that place and its patrons have taken more than I gave them. It’s not easy to know I’m not anything like I used to be. Although it’s true, I was never attention’s sweet center, I still remember that girl.”
And at some point to some extent, we realize that we’re not the person we used to be. We find that we’re not the same person we used to be. We’ve changed; whether it’s better or worse, we got to admit that we’ve changed. And that is what relationship does to people; it changes them in a way that it makes way for every person in it to be able to evolve into something new or something entirely different. And yes, there will be time that we look back at our yesterdays and suddenly feel that we’re missing our old selves. “She’s imperfect but she tries. She is good but she lies. She is hard on herself. She is broken and won’t ask for help. She is messy but she’s kind. She is lonely most of the time. She is all of this mixed up, and baked in a beautiful pie. She is gone but she used to be mine.” And no, it’s not that there is something wrong with the relationship. It’s not that there is something wrong with our significant other. It’s totally personal. It’s all about us and ourselves. This is how we grow up and become mature. This is the conversation we have with ourselves.
The hardest part is probably to find that the person we’re becoming into now it’s actually not the person we wanted ourselves to be. And it’s getting harder to admit then that we have changed into that kind of person. This is where we feel lost. This is where we feel lonelier. This is where we feel sad. “It’s not what I asked for, sometimes life just slips in through a back door, and carves out a person, and makes you believe it’s all true. And now I’ve got you, and you’re not what I asked for. If I’m honest I know I would give it all back for a chance to start over, and rewrite an ending or two for the girl that I knew.” And there is no one to blame. This is just life. This is just how life is. This is just how we must live our life. “Who’ll be reckless just enough. Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up when she’s bruised. And gets used by a man who can’t love, and then she’ll get stuck. And be scared of the life that’s inside her growing stronger each day till it finally reminds her to fight just a little to bring back the fire in her eyes that’s been gone but used to be mine.”


Sara Bareilles in the music video of "She Used to be Mine" | source: www.hiddenjams.com

Life forges us. Relationship shapes us. And we define ourselves. And there is always a time like this when I wonder all alone about what I’ve become so far. I do the reality check just to keep my sanity. Am I myself? Do I fit my skin? Have I changed? Or have I evolved? And yes, the answer sometimes is not what I wanted to be. However, it’s just really personal. It’s not about anything else. It’s just about myself and I. I’m imperfect but I try. I’m good but I lie. I’m hard on myself. I’m broken and won’t ask for help. I’m messy but I’m kind. I’m lonely most of the time. I’m all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie. I’m not the best but I am mine. This is what I used to be. And this is what I try to keep. And here I am, trying my best and my hardest to keep what’s left of me; the girl who’ll be reckless just enough, who’ll get hurt but who learns how to toughen up when she’s bruised, who’ll get stuck and taken for granted and be scared of the life but who learns to fight just a little to bring back the fire in her eyes. I might be gone, but I used to be mine. And I will be again.

“If I’m honest I know I would give it all back for a chance to start over, and rewrite an ending or two for the girl that I knew; who’ll be reckless just enough; who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up when she’s bruised, and gets used by a man who can’t love, and then she’ll get stuck, and be scared of the life that’s inside her growing stronger each day till it finally reminds her to fight just a little to bring back the fire in her eyes that’s been gone but used to be mine.” –Sara Bareilles, She Used to be Mine




It’s not simple to say most days I don’t recognize me
That these shoes and this apron, that place and its patrons have taken more than I gave them
It’s not easy to know I’m not anything like I used to be
Although it’s true, I was never attention’s sweet center, I still remember that girl
She’s imperfect but she tries, she is good but she lies
She is hard on herself, she is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy but she’s kind, she is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up, and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

It’s not what I asked for, sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person, and makes you believe it’s all true, and now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for, if I’m honest I know I would give it all back for a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two for the girl that I knew
Who’ll be reckless just enough
Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up when she’s bruised
And gets used by a man who can’t love, and then she’ll get stuck
And be scared of the life that’s inside her growing stronger each day till it finally reminds her
To fight just a little to bring back the fire in her eyes that’s been gone but used to be mine
Used to be mine

She is messy but she’s kind, she is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie, she is gone but she used to be mine

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