Archive for March 2018

Guess I have lived long enough now to understand that there is definitely a reason for every heartbreak; that there a certain purpose behind the universe’s plan even when it’s in the form of a broken heart. There is a reason that someone was meant to be there at some certain point in our life, whether it’s to give us lesson to learn, or to give us bless to feel gratitude, or perhaps both. There is a reason that someone was never meant to stay since the beginning, that someone was meant to leave our life eventually, and even their departure would teach us some lesson in the end. And that person was there to open up our senses and make us understand ourselves better; what we really want and need in life. And that person was there to break our heart and leave us in pain in order for us to understand better the meaning of love. For no matter how devastating we were back then, we will know when we know, that eventually, the past has become the past. And we will understand when we understand, that eventually, love will always begin again.

“And we walked down the block to my car and I almost brought him up, but you start to talk about the movies that your family watches every single Christmas. And I want to talk about that. And for the first time what’s past is past.” –Taylor Swift, Begin Again

Today is the birthday of my long-term ex-boyfriend, hence I feel quite nostalgic now. Not in the term of like I’m missing him or I want to go back, but it’s more like the feeling of being grateful for the moments that I created with him back then; the good times and the bad times. And most of all, I feel grateful that he’s no longer in my life now. And this one song fits really well with today’s mood. It’s titled “Begin Again”, performed by one of my favorite singers, Taylor Swift. It was released on October 1st 2012 and served as the second promotional single taken from the singer’s fourth studio album, “Red”. The ballad country track was solely written by Swift, and lyrically telling the story of someone who finds themselves falling in love again after a failed relationship; a beautiful ballad that tells the story of a girl who is pleasantly surprised by a new guy who does everything right that the last guy did wrong. As Swift once said about the song that it is about when you’ve gotten through a really bad relationship and you finally dust yourself off and go on that first date after a horrible breakup, and the vulnerability that goes along with all that; about finding hope at the end of that tumultuous period.

"Begin Again" single cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

Whether we realize it or not, every relationship that we share with other people is changing us in a way. It shapes us and makes us who we are as a whole self; moreover, the romance relationship. At times, we have to hold back something that we would like to do, say, or have, just because our partner doesn’t like it. When we’re crazily in love, we won’t realize that those simple things are only gradually feeding our insecurity and making us feeling inferior. And that is not healthy. And we only know it once we split up and got our heart broken. “Took a deep breath in the mirror, he didn’t like it when I wore high heels, but I do. Turn the lock and put my headphones on, he always said he didn’t get this song, but I do.” Hence we don’t put many expectations for the next relationship. However, when it comes, we just know that things actually can be better than before. “Walked in expecting you’d be late, but you got here early and you stand and wave, I walk to you. You pull my chair out and help me in, and you don’t know how nice that is, but I do.”

Broken heart is killing our hopes. However, it’s not always bad; moreover, once we meet someone that could exceed our expectation. And yes, that person is one of a kind and he’s worth waiting for. I’ve been there and done that. And I know the feeling because now I’ve met a person that has exceeded my expectation since I was devastatingly broken years ago in my previous relationship. “You said you never met one girl who had as many James Taylor records as you, but I do. We tell stories and you don’t know why I’m coming off a little shy, but I do.” I’m kind of person that is very hard to open up to people, particularly about very personal thing like broken heart. Yet my current partner was able to make me open up about it. And I know since then, he’s unlike the person I met before. He is different. And he is better. “And we walked down the block to my car and I almost brought him up, but you start to talk about the movies that your family watches every single Christmas. And I want to talk about that. And for the first time what’s past is past.”

He is better in the sense that he can bring out the best in me. Hence he makes me better. And I’m feeling better when I’m with him. I’m feeling the best with him; a feeling I never thought I would feel when I was in my previous relationship. “You throw your head back laughing like a little kid. I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ‘cause he never did. I’ve been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end, but on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again.” I have to admit that my whole previous relationship is not only crushing my confidence but also destroying my ideal view on love, romance relationship, and healthy partnership. And I’ve spent years not only trying to heal my own self but also deconstructing my view. However, meeting my current partner has made it a full circle. Getting to know him has been helping me to reconstruct my view on love, romance relationship, and healthy partnership. Building relationship with him has been helping me to gain my confidence. And I feel grateful for it.

Taylor Swift in the music video of "Begin Again" | source: INFDaily

There is a reason for every heartbreak. And this is the reason for my heartbreak. It was for preparing me to build a better tomorrow. My ex-boyfriend has become the person whom whenever I look back at my yesterdays I can boldly say: “You were a part of me, but I’m grateful that you’re no longer in my life now.” My current partner has become the person who brings me back my faith upon love; that no matter how bad it was broken before, it can always begin again when the time is right, and with the right person. My current partner has become the person who has broaden my senses and made it coming into a full circle; that for me, finally, what’s past is past and I’ve come to a closure with my own self. My current partner has become the person who brings out the best in me; that eventually, I can be with someone who is able to make me fit in my skin and feel the best feeling I never know I’m worth it for. Broken relationship has made me feel like I don’t deserve, but what I have with my current partner has changed it. And for the first time, I know I deserve it.

“You throw your head back laughing like a little kid. I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ‘cause he never did. I’ve been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end, but on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again.” –Taylor Swift, Begin Again

Took a deep breath in the mirror, he didn’t like it when I wore high heels, but I do

Turn the lock and put my headphones on, he always said he didn’t get this song, but I do, I do

Walked in expecting you’d be late, but you got here early and you stand and wave, I walk to you

You pull my chair out and help me in, and you don’t know how nice that is, but I do

And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid

I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ‘cause he never did

I’ve been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end

But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

You said you never met one girl who had as many James Taylor records as you, but I do

We tell stories and you don’t know why I’m coming off a little shy, but I do

But you throw your head back laughing like a little kid

I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ‘cause he never did

I’ve been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end

But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

And we walked down the block to my car and I almost brought him up

But you start to talk about the movies that your family watches every single Christmas

And I want to talk about that, and for the first time what’s past is past

‘Cause you throw your head back laughing like a little kid

I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ‘cause he never did

I’ve been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end

But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

Wrote by Mashita Fandia

Dari semua hari raya yang dimiliki oleh berbagai agama di dunia, saya paling menyukai ide dari Nyepi. Bukan berarti saya merendahkan hari raya yang lain, hanya saja, menurut saya Nyepi menjadi wujud ideal dari sebuah perayaan atas relasi keimanan antara seseorang dan Tuhannya. Bukankah esensi sesungguhnya dari agama adalah relasi keimanan antara seseorang dan Tuhannya? Budaya, politik, ekonomi, konflik, dan segala yang berjalin-kelindan dalam kehidupan agama di muka bumi ini hanya imbas sosial dari itu. Namun apabila kita mencoba untuk melihat kembali pada akar dari agama itu sendiri, ia adalah perihal relasi manusia dengan Sang Pencipta; dan hal ini sangat personal. Nyepi, menurut saya, menjadi wujud ideal atas perayaan sesuatu yang personal itu. Manusia memiliki keimanan untuk mencari dan memperoleh rasa damai di dalam dirinya. Dan saya percaya, dalam sepi, kita bisa menemukan rasa damai itu. pertama-tama, saya ingin mengucapkan selamat Hari Raya Nyepi bagi seluruh umat yang merayakannya. Semoga damai beserta kita semua.

Dalam budaya populer selama ini, istilah ‘sepi’ mengalami peyorasi hingga seolah-olah menjadi ‘sepi’ atau mengalami ‘sepi’ merupakan sesuatu yang nahas dan memprihatinkan; bahwa seseorang yang merasa sepi atau sedang kesepian adalah seseorang yang malang. Saya adalah satu dari beberapa orang yang tidak setuju dengan stigma yang disebarkan oleh budaya populer tersebut. Di sisi lain, orang yang sanggup ‘menyepikan’ dirinya adalah pribadi yang menurut saya luar biasa. Mengapa? Karena hidup dalam era yang serba-mudah dan serba-cepat dengan berbagai tuntutannya ini, sesungguhnya bukan hal yang mudah bagi seseorang untuk dapat menjadi ‘sepi’ atau mengalami ‘sepi’. Manusia terbiasa hidup dalam ‘keramaian’ dunia, dan mereka seolah-olah diberikan kebutuhan untuk selalu merasa ‘ramai’. Padahal, menurut saya, kebutuhan itu hanyalah kebutuhan semu belaka. Herbert Marcuse dalam buku legendarisnya, “One-Dimensional Man”, bicara tentang bagaimana industri membentuk kebutuhan palsu (false needs) pada peradaban manusia. Pernahkah terbersit di benak Anda untuk sejenak meluangkan waktu dengan diri Anda sendiri? Bukan dengan menghabiskan waktu Anda untuk pergi merawat diri ke salon kecantikan. Bukan dengan menonton film sendirian, baik di bioskop maupun di rumah. Bukan dengan jalan-jalan ke pusat perbelanjaan sendirian. Bukan dengan pergi berwisata atau traveling sendirian. Melainkan untuk berbincang dengan diri Anda sendiri, dan berdiam sejenak dari hiruk-pikuk dunia.

Sayangnya, kondisi ‘sepi’ dibingkai oleh budaya populer sebagai “kondisi sendiri yang harus diratapi”. Padahal, kondisi ‘sepi’ adalah waktu untuk berdialog dengan diri sendiri, melakukan refleksi dan kontemplasi atas waktu-waktu yang telah dilalui oleh kita dan diri kita sendiri. Toh, hidup hanya sekali; sungguh sayang apabila kita melewatinya saja tanpa memaknainya, bukan? Sayangnya (lagi), era kapitalisme lanjut ini membentuk manusia untuk melewatkan kesendirian mereka dengan melakukan hal-hal yang dikonstruksi sebagai ‘hal yang bermanfaat’, dan perspektif bentukannya bahwa hidup hanya sekali untuk dilewatkan dalam sepi dan sendiri. Tidak salah memang apabila kita memilih untuk melakukan ‘hal-hal yang bermanfaat bagi kehidupan kita’ menurut industri tersebut. Tidak ada yang salah dengan pergi merawat diri ke salon kecantikan atau pusat kebugaran. Tidak ada yang salah dengan menonton film di bioskop. Tidak ada yang salah dengan jalan-jalan ke pusat perbelanjaan. Tidak ada yang salah dengan pergi berwisata atau traveling. Toh saya juga melakukannya terkadang. Namun hidup adalah soal keseimbangan. Dan menurut saya, tak ada salahnya untuk menyeimbangkan diri dengan menyepi sejenak dari konstelasi kehidupan sosial kita yang telah dipenuhi oleh konstruksi, dan melakukan dekonstruksi dengan bertanya pada diri kita sendiri: apakah kita merasa damai dan tenang?

Apakah segala yang kita lakukan atas nama ‘quality time dengan diri kita sendiri’ merupakan sesuatu yang benar-benar menjadi kebutuhan kita, ataukah kita hanya merasa membutuhkan hal tersebut karena konstruksi sosial berkata demikian? Apakah kita mampu mendapatkan rasa damai setelah melakukan itu semua? Apakah kita menemukan ketenangan setelah melakukan itu semua? Pertanyaan yang sama berlaku pada relasi diri kita dengan Sang Pencipta. Ketika kita berdoa sesuai dengan tuntunan agama kita, apakah kita mampu mendapatkan rasa damai? Ketika kita beribadah sesuai dengan tuntunan agama kita, apakah kita menemukan ketenangan? Apabila jawabannya adalah iya, saya turut berbahagia. Tidak mudah mendapatkan rasa damai dan menemukan ketenangan. Bahkan, untuk mendefinisikan apa itu ‘damai’ dan ‘tenang’ bagi diri saya sendiri saya masih belajar. Yang saya tahu, kita bisa mendapatkan rasa damai dan menemukan ketenangan dari mana saja selama kita mampu berbicara dari hati ke hati dengan diri kita sendiri; dan orang tidak perlu gelar yang tinggi untuk sanggup melakukannya. Yang diperlukan hanya sesederhana hati nurani, untuk dapat dengan tulus hati melepas segala yang terikat dari dunia dan berupaya lebih untuk mendengarkan suara jiwa kita.

Di masa kau terlahir, orang-orang mempercayai Tuhan pencipta alam semesta sebagai mitos,

yang membuat orang-orang menghentikan mesin-mesinnya, turun dari pelananya,

tertegun, tersenyum, dan bahkan menangis saat ceritanya didongengkan.

Ketika dongengnya usai mereka mulai lapar, menyalakan mesin-mesinnya lagi,

meloncat ke pelananya lagi, lalu berputar gila dan menggerus rakus lagi.

Kau terlahir, di masa maha tak tahu malu.

Di masa kau terlahir, orang-orang tidak bertegur sapa seperti manusia.

Setiap mereka mempunyai wakil berupa angka atau kode,

yang dengannya setiap mereka bisa menjadi siapa saja yang bukan dirinya,

dan bertemu dengan siapa saja yang sebenarnya tidak ada.

Daging bertemu daging tidak lagi penting, hati bertemu hati tidak lagi sejati.

Kau terlahir, di masa maha, palsu.

-FSTVLST, Hal-Hal Ini Terjadi

Wrote by Mashita Fandia

Have you ever felt being in love? It’s not falling in love; it’s being in love. It’s the heartwarming feeling that comes every time you see the smiling face of a person who means the world to you. It’s the peaceful feeling that comes every time you embrace the person you hold most dear in your arms. It’s the heartfelt feeling that comes every time you see your most precious person is feeling happy. It’s the soothing feeling that comes every time your tears are wiped off by the person you care the most. It is the content feeling that nothing in this world could compare to. And for once in our life when this kind of feeling is coming, we just know it when we know it; we are in love. And for once in our life when this kind of feeling is coming, we just know that the same exact feeling won’t come twice; it’s one of a kind. And for once in our life when this kind of feeling is coming, we won’t let it go of that easily; we just can’t. And even though the road is rough and windy, we’ll go through it anyway, for we know it’s worth it. It is pacifying. It is relieving. It is overjoyed.

“Over time, I’ve been building my castle of love, just for two, though you never knew you were my reason. I’ve gone much too far for you now to say, that I’ve got to throw my castle away.” –Stevie Wonder, Overjoyed

“Overjoyed” is a hit single written and performed by American legendary singer-songwriter Stevie Wonder. It was released in 1985 as the third single taken from Wonder’s twentieth studio album, “In Square Circle”. The R n’ B track rose to fame and became one of Wonder’s signature songs. I feel heartwarming whenever I listen to this song. Moreover, it makes me feel so in love. And in a nutshell, this song is the way love should be: soothing, heartfelt, vulnerable, and exposed.

"Overjoyed" single cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

I always believe that the state of being in love doesn’t just pop out in a second. It is the kind of feeling that develops from time to time. It doesn’t come just out of nowhere. It is the kind of feeling that is built time after time. It doesn’t appear suddenly. It is the kind of feeling that comes up to the surface from deep within and just lingers there like a warm ember. It is not the summer fling that can easily passes by. It is always there constantly. It is like we build a castle; it takes time, but it’s worth all the time it takes. “Over time, I’ve been building my castle of love, just for two, though you never knew you were my reason. I’ve gone much too far for you now to say, that I’ve got to throw my castle away.” It takes efforts, sacrifice, and endeavor. It takes persistence. And after all the efforts, the sacrifice, and the endeavor, we’ve come that far that we cannot just throw it all away. For we know that in the end, it cannot be compared to any other temporary flings that just come and go. And not in a million years we would throw it all away.

“Over dreams, I have picked out a perfect come true, though you never knew it was of you I’ve been dreaming. The sandman has come from too far away for you to say come back some other day.” We can have many dreams about love; about the ideal view of how a love should be, about the ideal picture of how a love should become. However, out of so many dreams we have upon the ideal love, we will find that being in love is breaking through those views. As ‘too good to be true’ as it is, it is the dream comes true that comes into the almost perfection one. More than just a desire, it’s an intimacy. More than just a passion, it’s a deep friendship. More than just an ideal view, it’s the reality. And yes, we choose. And somehow we know that we are being in love when we always end up with the same choice, no matter how many other choices come in between. “Over hearts, I have painfully turned every stone, just to find, I had found what I’ve searched to discover. I’ve come much too far for me now to find the love that I’ve sought can never be mine.”

And we know when we know it. We know our dream comes true when we know it. We believe when we know it. We are overjoyed when we know it. “And though you don’t believe that they do, they do come true, for did my dreams come true when I looked at you. And maybe too, if you would believe, you too might be overjoyed, over loved, over me.” And I have lived long enough now to understand that for everything that is real, there is nothing that comes easy. The road may be rough, the path may be windy, the hurdles may be so many, but the effort will never betray. The effort, the sacrifice, and the endeavor will open the heart up for a chance; a chance for a true love to grow inside us. “And though the odds say improbable, what do they know? For in romance, all true love needs is a chance. And maybe with a chance you will find, you too like I overjoyed, over loved, over you, over you.” And all we need is a chance; a chance to give a room for love’s growth, for empathy, for forgiveness, for understanding, for happiness, for a bright future.

"In Square Circle" album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

I always believe that if we can define what love is, then it will be ‘real’. And I always believe that if we can depict how love is, then it will be ‘to make it real’. True love is more than just a feeling. It is something real. It is not only in the imagination. It is not only an idea. It is not only in the illusion. It is something real that we can feel, see, and touch. It is something that is attached to our reality. It is something that is intact. It is in the effort, sacrifice, and endeavor we live in a daily basis day by day. It is the perseverance, persistence, and determination to go through any hardship that may come. And it isn’t built overnight. When we love, we do everything to make it real. When we love, we won’t just give it up for any reason, because love conquers; because love opens room for chance. When we love, we won’t let it go for any purpose, because love overpowers all; because love gives empathy, forgiveness, and understanding. When we love, we don’t count. We we love, we don’t compare. When we love, we know it. It’s real, sincere, and pure.

“And though the odds say improbable, what do they know? For in romance, all true love needs is a chance. And maybe with a chance you will find, you too like I overjoyed, over loved, over you, over you.” –Stevie Wonder, Overjoyed

Over time, I’ve been building my castle of love, just for two, though you never knew you were my reason

I’ve gone much too far for you now to say, that I’ve got to throw my castle away

Over dreams, I have picked out a perfect come true, though you never knew it was of you I’ve been dreaming

The sandman has come from too far away for you to say come back some other day

And though you don’t believe that they do, they do come true, for did my dreams come true when I looked at you

And maybe too, if you would believe, you too might be overjoyed, over loved, over me

Over hearts, I have painfully turned every stone, just to find, I had found what I’ve searched to discover

I’ve come much too far for me now to find the love that I’ve sought can never be mine

And though you don’t believe that they do, they do come true, for did my dreams come true when I looked at you

And maybe too, if you would believe, you too might be overjoyed, over loved, over me

And though the odds say improbable, what do they know? For in romance, all true love needs is a chance

And maybe with a chance you will find, you too like I overjoyed, over loved, over you, over you

Wrote by Mashita Fandia

In a romance relationship, at some point to some extent, it is inevitable that two people are going to hurt each other. It is because everyone has their own way to express the feeling they have. When the feeling is mutual but the expression is different from one another, then it we won’t feel reciprocal. Hence we are hurt. As a human, we don’t have the power to control our feelings, do we? Well, I believe that way. However, I also believe that as a human, we have the power to control our action, don’t we? Why is it that so? It is because we have that one thing called conscience. No matter how we are driven by our emotions, when there is still this one thing called conscience within us, I believe that we can minimize the potential of us hurting other people. Conscience is the thing that knocks our senses. It is the thing that reminds us: would we chase our own tails by pursuing something temporal? Would we trade our reality for something that we know only just a mere illusion? Would we leave the home for a temporary shelter?

“Take my photo off the wall if it just won’t sing for you, ‘cause all that’s left has gone away and there’s nothing there for you to prove.” –Jet, Look What You’ve Done

This song is titled “Look What You’ve Done”, performed by Australian rock band, Jet. It was released on September 2003 as the fourth single taken from the band’s debut studio album, “Get Born”. The alternative rock track was written by Jet’s frontman, Nic Cester. Lyrically, this song is talking about a sad resentment that someone has toward their partner for breaking the trust they’ve built all this time in the relationship.

"Look What You've Done" single cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

One of the things that hurt the most in a romance relationship is the lack of conscience. And I can tell you this based on my own experience. Love is one thing, but a relationship is another thing. We build a relationship not only by love, but also by trust, negotiation, and agreement. Through the negotiation and agreement, we got to define the freedom and the boundary of the relationship itself. It is called as a commitment. When the freedom is taken for granted and the boundary is violated, the trust is broken. And when the trust is broken, it is the real danger. It is what makes everything crumbling apart. It is not the distance. It is not the physical absence. It is not the deepest fear. It is not the biggest disappointment. It is the broken trust that is tearing everything apart. “Take my photo off the wall if it just won’t sing for you, ‘cause all that’s left has gone away and there’s nothing there for you to prove.” For when the trust is broken, what is left there to hold on? When the trust is broken, what is left there to fight for?

Broken trust is the worst thing when we have put all of our efforts into the relationship. It is the deepest disappointment when we have given our greatest endeavor. It is the biggest fright when we have surrendered our best self. And I believe that a broken trust will never exist, when the person who broke it was having a conscience to begin with. On other words, it is the lack or the absence of conscience that is causing the broken trust. “Give me back my point of view ‘cause I just can’t think for you. I can hardly hear you say what should I do, well you choose.” I live long enough now to understand that human’s heart is the most fickle thing in the world. And in the fickleness, one’s loyalty and affection can change so easily. In the fickleness of the heart, conscience has disappeared. And by the fickleness of the heart, the trust is broken easily; well, the mistake has been made and regrets always come too late. “Take my photo off the wall if it just won’t sing for you, ‘cause all that’s left has gone away and there’s nothing there for you to do.”

What is left to do when the trust is broken? Though we know that it is not the end of the world, we understand it all too well that something significant has died inside our heart. And we are left being numb by the growing pains. We are left being empty. We are left being hollow. And there is a big hole in our heart that cannot seem to be cured by anything in the world. And the worst thing of all; we are left feeling like a fool. We are totally embarrassed and there is nothing can seem to fix the deep pain from the embarrassment. “Oh, look what you’ve done, you’ve made a fool of everyone. Oh well, it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won.” And there is nothing can seem to heal the great wound from the betrayal. All we know is that we are being left alone in the darkness; in the darkest palace inside our mind. The insecurity is being fed so well. The inferiority is swallowing us up. The despondence keeps on growing big and bigger within us. We lose. We are losing. We have lost. We break down and cry. And there is no turning back.

"Get Born" album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

Every time I enter the dark palace inside my mind, I cannot help but remembering those painful times. Those are the times when I broke down and cried by myself with no one there to help me out, hug me, sooth my aching heart, and tell me that everything is going to be just fine. Those are the times when I felt like being left out behind all alone with no one there to take on my side. Those are the times when I felt betrayed and thrown away. Those are times when I felt unwanted and not significant. Those are times when I felt worthless. Those are times when I lost my faith. Those are times when somebody chose to spend the night with someone else instead of kissing me goodnight. Those are times when my texts and calls were ignored and my existence was being replaced by someone else’s companion. Those are awful and devastating times. Those are times when conscience was disappeared. Those are times when freedom was being taken for granted and boundary was being violated. Those are times that have broken my trust.

“Give me back my point of view ‘cause I just can’t think for you. I can hardly hear you say what should I do, well you choose.” –Jet, Look What You’ve Done