November 7

November 7th 2017 will go down in the history,
my history.
As probably the most frustrating and devastating day of my life,
since I receive too many bad news on this day.

My hands never stop shaking from anxiety.
My heart never stops trembling from worries and fears.

a friend is facing her deepest fear, only to find herself being disgusted toward her own self;
forced to contemplate with her sins.
a friend is standing at a crossroad with steep cliff on her left and burning bushes on her right;
feeling confused, in pain, and nowhere to go.
a friend is having conversation with the angel of death, bargaining for her own breath and life;
holding on to her God while struggling.
the love is experiencing living hell, as the same old fear is shackling him down drowning deep;
crawling in the depth of chest pain, suffering, and loneliness.

The worst is, beyond anything, the fact that I am totally helpless.
I cannot present in any of their places.
I cannot even hold them in my arms,
to see them in the eyes and tell them that everything is going to be alright,
to wipe the tears from their eyes and put a smile on their face.
I cannot and it hurts me so.
Heartbreakingly tearing apart.
I break down and cry my heart out.
My chest is in pain and I can hardly breathe.

But life isn’t life if it doesn’t amuse me until the end.

Just then, the other woman shows up telling that he said to her,
“We’re like Sartre and Beauvoir.”
And wait, that sounds familiar.
Ah, that was once I said to him.
Funny, isn’t it?
Knowing that he told her things I used to say to him from my point of view.
I was the one who said to him first that we’re like Sartre and Beauvoir.

life is such a tragedy when seen in close-up,
but a comedy in a long-shot.
It’s tragically funny.

So tonight,
I kneel down upon this tragically funny life.
For the first time after a while,
I clean myself, put on the praying clothes,
and yes, I pray to my Lord, with the custom of my religion.
I pray. And pray. And pray.
Sending good prayers.
Hoping that it would calm me down.
Hoping that what people say is true,
that God is never asleep,
that God is always listening.

And it seems like raining tonight.



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