Coward



There are people who cannot easily say what they really feel with their own mouth, even towards some people that they consider as their closest. It’s not that they are being secretive or pretentious. It’s just that they have too many fears and insecurities in regards to open up themselves towards other people, moreover people whom they consider as their closest. It’s because those people are meant so much for them; because those people really matter. It’s because what they feel is truly and deeply sincere. Hence they cannot speak of it easily. They need time to be able to gather their courage up and speak up. I know it all too well how that feels, because I belong to that kind of people. I feel like a coward. Yet every time I success to speak up about what I truly and sincerely feel, I end up crying like a little girl who lost her doll; so ugly. And though I don’t want to give an excuse for my cowardice act, I do think too much before I can gather up my courage to speak my feelings. Since there are too many fears, too many insecurities, too vulnerable.

I’m sorry, the miserable small person that I am is loving you insanely. I’m waiting; there is nothing good about me but I want you shamelessly. Even if I wander around the world, even if I search with my eyes wide open to find you, I know that there is no one like you, and though I want to be with you. –BUZZ, Coward (겁쟁이)

Thinking about this incapability of mine in regards to speak up my most sincere feeling, I recall this song titled “Coward (겁쟁이)”, performed by Korean rock band, BUZZ. The rock ballad track was released on March 3rd 2005 as the title track for the band’s second studio album, “Effect”. It was written by the members: Min Kyung Hoon (vocalist), Yoon Woo Hyun (guitarist), Kim Yae Joon (drummer), Son Sung Hee (guitarist), and Shin Joon Ki (bassist). “Coward (겁쟁이)” and BUZZ’s second album was a big hit, making this song as one of the band’s signature songs. It follows the story of a person who finds it hard to confess his feeling towards someone significant, because the feeling is genuine, because there are too many fears and insecurities, because the feeling is sincere and there is no other feeling like that.


"Effect" album cover | source: hulkpop.com

Fears and insecurities were coming from the painful memories of the past. Indeed, painful memories are what made us of. No matter how hard we try to fix ourselves and move on, some traces of our past painful memories will always linger there inside of us; it has shaped us, whether we realize it or not, into the person we are today. And my past painful memories had made me this unconfident person. I always feel small toward the person whom I love; that I have nothing spectacular and cannot give anything that’s worth it. Yet I still daringly love that person and crazily want to be with that person. A person like him is the only one in this lifetime and in this universe. He is one of a kind yet I still gracelessly dare to wait for him. “I’m sorry, the miserable small person that I am is loving you insanely. I’m waiting; there is nothing good about me but I want you shamelessly. Even if I wander around the world, even if I search with my eyes wide open to find you, I know that there is no one like you, and though I want to be with you.”
For some people, the past painful memories had made them having fears toward detachment and abandonment. And that’s what happens to me too. Hence I cannot easily confess my feelings. Yet I foolishly hold on to this feeling that I keep for myself. “I’m sorry; because of my foolish attachment feelings, I can’t seem to let you go with my own hands. Since there’s only you in my eyes, since I can’t discern anything else, and though I want to try to say the words to invite you into my heart.” For a person who has a lot of fears and insecurities, it’s so difficult to even say the words that seem so easy to say for other people; words like ‘please love me’ and ‘don’t make me cry’. Since those words are very meaningful for a person like me. Since saying those words feel like baring ourselves naked in front of that significant person. Hence most of the time I choose the easy way out by hiding my feelings. “Please love me, don’t make me cry; those words that are more common than breathing. Yet I can’t say them with confidence and just always hide; I’m a coward.”
People with deep fears and insecurities like mine are having a damaged heart. We express the growing feeling little by little as the love gets deeper. Yet we cannot boldly say it with our own mouth most of the time. And no matter how hard we cry our heart out, those words won’t just come out easily. “My love that grows little by little, sometimes slips out secretly too one by one. But even if it cries and whines like a child who lost his way, my damaged heart will probably not realize.” Yet all that we ever wanted is to attempt to ask our significant person to move over into our heart. Yet all that we ever needed is to attempt to say something right on their ears. Yet those words can’t just come out easily. And there were too many times I found myself backing away from saying those words; ‘don’t close your eyes’, ‘please look at me’. “Don’t close your eyes, please look at me, I want to go closer to you and whisper these words into your ears. But when I stand in front of you, all I do is taking a step backwards; hence I’m just a coward. I’m only waiting for you.”


BUZZ in 2014 | source: BNTNews

There are times when I cannot contain this guilty feeling I have towards my significant other for being this coward person that I am. He’s been so sincerely honest to me. And I really wanted to do the same. Yet there are things that I cannot just speak up easily. And those things are the most meaningful thing for me. And I really need time to be able to speak those things up with my own mouth. Since I know I would be drenched in tears whenever I speak about that. I hope he could understand. And I can never thank him enough for being able to withstand with this side of me all of these times. For me personally, things that are matter the most are always the hardest thing to say. It’s always the fears of rejection, losing, detachment, and abandonment that retain me from saying those things. And I’m in the process of overcoming those fears. Not telling lies, I’ll be honest with him, with all of my heart. I don’t want to be a coward anymore, because I don’t want to have any regret anymore. Since he is the only person who is able to make me do that; who is able to give me power and strength to speak up. Even though I’m stammered and stunned while trying to speak it up, I will give my greatest effort to do it; for the sake of him, for the sake of us.

I’m sorry; because of my foolish attachment feelings, I can’t seem to let you go with my own hands. Since there’s only you in my eyes, since I can’t discern anything else, and though I want to try to say the words to invite you into my heart. –BUZZ, Coward (겁쟁이)




미안합니다 고작 나란 사람이 당신을 미친 사랑합니다
(Mianhamnida gojak naran sarami dangsineul michin deut saranghamnida)
((I’m sorry, the miserable small person that I am is loving you insanely))
기다립니다 잘난 하나 없는데 염치없이 당신을 원합니다
(Gidarimnida jallan geot hana eomneunde yeomchieobsi dangsineul wonhamnida)
((I’m waiting, there is nothing good about me but I want you shamelessly))
세상을 헤매어 봐도 눈을 크게 뜨고 찾아도
(Sesangeul deo hemaeeo bwado nuneul deo keuge tteugo chajado)
((Even if I wander around the world, even if I search with my eyes wide open to find you))
당신은 하나란 알아서 내가 갖고 싶지만
(Dangsineun dan hanaran geol araseo naega kkok gatgo sipjiman)
((I know that there is no one like you, and though I want to be with you))

사랑해줘요 울리지마요 쉬는 것보다 잦은 하나도
(Nal saranghaejwoyo nal ullijimayo sum swineun geotboda deo jajeun i mal hanado)
((Please love me, don’t make me cry, those words that are more common than breathing))
자신 있게 못하는 숨어만 있는 나는 겁쟁이랍니다
(Jasin itge motaneun neul sumeoman inneun naneun geopjaengiramnida)
((Yet I can’t say them with confidence and just always hide, I’m a coward))

미안합니다 미련한 미련 때문에 손으로 당신을 놉니다
(Mianhamnida miryeonhan miryeon ttaemune nae soneuro dangsineul mot nomnida)
((I’m sorry, because of my foolish attachment feelings, I can’t seem to let you go with my own hands))
눈에 당신이 박혀서 다른 무엇도 없어서
(Nae nune dangsini bakhyeoseo dareun mueotdo bol su eobseoseo)
((Since there’s only you in my eyes, since I can’t discern anything else))
가슴에 옮겨와 달라는 말도 이젠 해보고 싶지만
(Gaseume ormgyeowa dallaneun maldo ijen haebogo sipjiman)
((And though I want to try to say the words to invite you into my heart))

사랑해줘요 울리지마요 쉬는 것보다 잦은 하나도
(Nal saranghaejwoyo nal ullijimayo sum swineun geotboda deo jajeun i mal hanado)
((Please love me, don’t make me cry, those words that are more common than breathing))
자신 있게 못하는 숨어만 있는 나는 겁쟁이랍니다
(Jasin itge motaneun neul sumeoman inneun naneun geopjaengiramnida)
((Yet I can’t say them with confidence and just always hide, I’m a coward))

조금씩 커져가는 사랑은 번씩 나도 몰래 새어 나와서
(Jogeumssik keojyeoganeun sarangeun han beonssik nado mollae saeeo nawaseo)
((My love that grows little by little, sometimes slips out secretly too one by one))
길을 잃은 아이처럼 울고 보채도 터진 맘은 모르겠죠
(Gireul irheun aicheoreom ulgo bochaedo teojin nae mameun moreugetjyo)
((But even if it cries and whines like a child who lost his way, my damaged heart will probably not realize))

눈을 감지 마요 나를 바라봐요 당신의 귓가에 다가가 말하려 해도
(Nuneul gamji mayo nareul barabwayo dangsinui gwitgae dagaga malharyeo haedo)
((Don’t close your eyes, please look at me, I want to go closer to you and whisper these words into your ears))
당신 앞에 때면 뒷걸음만 치는 그저 겁쟁이랍니다
(Dangsin ape seol ttaemyeon dwitgeoreumman chineun geujeo nan geopjaengiramnida)
((But when I stand in front of you, all I do is taking a step backwards, hence I’m just a coward))
그대만 나는 기다립니다
(Geudaeman naneun gidarimnida)
((I’m only waiting for you))

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