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pieces of me



Grandma used to tell me a story about people who died and became stars in the sky,
She said that those people weren’t really leaving,
Their body might be buried six feet deep down the ground,
But their soul became a star in the sky.
They’re always here, watching over us, and never leave us alone.

Those people, Grandma said, were mostly passing away sooner than we thought,
The unborn babies, the ill children, the murdered teenagers.
They were gone while doing their passion, the only thing when they feel most alive,
The lost mountain hikers, the crashed racer, the fallen stars.
They were gone in a sudden, at their peak of the lifetime, beloved by many people,
James Dean, Nike Ardilla, Heath Ledger, Marco Simoncelli, Kim Joo Hyuk.
They were stars on Earth, and so they became stars on the sky.

I believe, as Grandma said, those people who were gone too soon are the best people.
As kind-hearted as they were, the Heaven loved them too much,
So that it called them to become the stars on the sky.
They were someone’s son or daughter,
They were someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife,
They were someone’s fiancé or fiancée,
They were someone’s father or mother,
They were someone’s sister or brother,
They were someone’s best friend or role model,
And they will always be. And they will always be remembered, in loving memory.
For all the laughters and tears they brought,
For all the inspiration they gave,
For all the love they spread.

And as the stars shine on the night winter sky,
May their soul rest in peace.


M.F

*In memoriam of Kim Joo Hyuk (October 3rd 1972 - October 30th 2017)
 Remember this member forever.


Wrote by Mashita Fandia



(I)
Liquor is the best friend for a weary mind,
and somehow these thoughts come up suddenly like a wind.

(II)
You know, I often imagine to be in a hotel room,
dolled-up in a black lace robe sitting by the large window,
or perhaps a little bit more daring masquerade costume,
drinking one or two glasses of wine before making love.

(III)
Oh, yes, Darling, I can be that kind of girl,
as charming as the devil, sly as a fox, dancing like a whore,
but you selfishly decide that I am not that kind of girl,
and you turn your back on me to do it all with another.

(IV)
For I am the girl who can never fulfilled your sexual fantasy,
that’s why you entered the hotel room with another.
For I am the girl who can never satisfied your desire of sensuality,
that’s why you gave the pretty lingerie for another.

(V)
And taking some pictures of her, and probably with her too.
And fucking her again and again and again and again.
Since you decide that I cannot pull it off like her.
Since you decide that I won’t look good in that outfit, unlike her.

(VI)
Oh, yes, I did fucking some others too, my dear.
I did it out of rage and anger till it hurts.
My mind and body were ruptured.
So much for self-destruction.

(VII)
Oh, I’m fully aware that I don’t have that kind of body,
a body that every man would dream of.
You told me I’m restrained,
yet you never asked about my wildest dream.

(VIII)
Come on, we used to be so compatible in bed.
So where did it all go wrong?

(IX)
The hardest thing is that I can always feel the differences
in how you touch me, in how you kiss, how you treat my body.
The worst thing is that I know you already break our agreement,
crossing the boundaries, and choosing to be tempted by the diversion.

(X)
It’s actually okay for you to break the agreement or cross the boundary,
we’re human after all. I understand.
What’s not okay is when I sense the differences in bed.
It’s when I sense that you don’t want me anymore, as much as before.

(XI)
You said, that meeting and fucking others
will make you be more affectionate
and compassionate to me,
but why can’t I feel it now?

(XII)
I always fear of knowing too much,
and feeling too much.
I always fear of being too sensible.
Is ignorance really a bliss?

(XIII)
Where did it all go wrong?

(XIV)
A wise woman said that sex is rarely an emotional bond for men,
while it’s always emotional bond for women.
Well I cannot feel it lately, sadly,
while all I need is the sexual healing from you particularly and only, actually.

(XV)
You know, I often imagine to be in a hotel room,
enjoying the bubbles in a bathtub,
with you.
But it was only just a dream.

(XVI)
A drunk-talking.

(XVII)
‘Cause here I am, enjoying a bottle of old cheap red liquor, all alone.
And I’m drinking solo.

M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia



Pain changes people, and self-healing is the hardest thing to do after all. It’s a process that requires a series of self-acceptance. Moreover, it’s harder when we face a series of self-rejection along the way. However, that is the process we have to get through. And that is how we will grow through. I used to think that whenever I have done with my past self, then I would eventually be able to love again. On the other hand, I wonder whether that could be done simultaneously; healing ourselves while learning to love again. And I always hope I find that place one day; a place where the chaos inside me is understood, and my heart feels at home. Now that I finally found someone to call home, I realize that it is possible to heal ourselves as well as learn to love again at the same time. Since I do both right now. And yes, it is only possible if we meet the right person; a significant one who becomes the home. The pain from my past may come time after time like a memory that is brought by the wind that blows, but as long as I know that there is a home I can always have and come back to, I believe I can always overcome it, for I can finally accept those memories as a part of me. And there will come a day when I can finally smile with teary eyes from happiness.

“When the wind blows and quivers my heart, I close my eyes before the time that has passed by. The silent trembling that sweeps me by; I open my ears and listen carefully to that soft sound.” –Naul, Memory of the Wind (바람기억)

Listening to a certain song can certainly help the process of self-healing. For me personally, when talking about self-healing, then it reminds me of this particular song. It’s a Korean song titled “Memory of the Wind (바람기억)”, performed by one of Korean prominent male vocalists, Naul. He is a member of male vocal group, Brown Eyed Soul. “Memory of the Wind (바람기억)” was released on September 20th 2012 as the lead track for Naul’s second solo studio album, “Principle of My Soul”. The soul ballad track became his representative song as the song showcased poetic lyrics with a melody that perfectly suits his pitch and range. “Memory of the Wind (바람기억)” was a self-composed track written by Naul himself. An official accompany music video, starring actor Lee Ki Woo and actress Jung Eun Chae, was released on September 19th 2012. Listening to this song while watching the MV can bring multi-interpretation towards “Memory of the Wind (바람기억)”. However, in this lyrical approach, I interpret this song as the depiction of someone who has found closure and made peace with themselves. They use the pain and memories from the past as lessons to move forward with smile and strong steps. Hence they feel blessed. They cherish their past, therefore they’re ready to accept and embrace their future.


"Principle of My Soul" album cover | source: hellokpop.com

I always think that we have to find closure with ourselves first before we can finally move forward. For every pain that we feel, for the heartache that we got, for every broken promise, for every unfinished business, we must find closure for ourselves in order for us to be able to accept and embrace our own selves. Hence, when we begin a new relationship, we will deal the problem from the current one instead of bringing along the problem from our previous relationship. For me personally, the indicator of finding closure is when we can make peace with ourselves. And it is in the way we are able to look back at our past with a light heart and sincere smile. That is when we know we have forgiven though we never forget. And we must not forget, because we use them as a lesson for the next days to come. We’re not haunted by them, but blessed instead. “When the wind blows and quivers my heart, I close my eyes before the time that has passed by. The silent trembling that sweeps me by; I open my ears and listen carefully to that soft sound.”
Every now and then, the memories from our past will always come and greet us. When we are able to greet them with smile, and perhaps with tears from happiness and relief, that is when we know we have found closure and made peace with ourselves. Losing someone significant, traumatic events from our surroundings, the pain and heartache from it; all of them could change us in a moment. They shaped us. They deformed and reformed us into what we are today. And as time goes by, they become memories lingered deep inside our heart and mind. They become a part of us; a part that we need to embrace and accept. They’re a part we can use for us to be a better person from time to time; a sensible person who understand well about sympathy and empathy, and perhaps better than anyone else who isn’t through the same as ours. “The growing pieces of life that breathe inside me, when they bump against and pass me by, I will look at that place. The short memories of life that are inside me, when they bump against and pass me by, I will look over there.”
And yes, we will grow through what we go through. I might never be cured, but I know I have found closure with myself. I might never be healed, but I know I have grown through the pain. And now that I have found the significant one to call home, I know that I could and would grow stronger than ever. Though the storm may come every now and then, I know that this home will always be there. For all of the things that we believe, for all of our love, for all of our eternal promises, as long as I remember them and as long as I am remembered, then it is more than enough to make me walk ahead with powerful steps. For every of our meeting, for every of our separation, for all of our vague memories, as long as I feel loved and as long as I love them sincerely, then it is more than enough to make me be able to put a smile on my face. And I feel blessed, even with the pain. “Our belief, our love, those eternal promises; if I remember them, I will strongly walk forward. Our encounter, our farewell, those faded memories, if I was truly loved in them, a smile will come upon my face.”


Actress Jung Eun Chae in the music video of "Memory of the Wind" | source: 1theK YouTube

It’s been five months since my partner and I are in a long-distance relationship. Many things have happened between us. It wasn’t always a good thing, but wasn’t always a bad thing too. One thing for sure is that I know we have grown so much until this point, and we will always grow through what we go through in the future. Commitment isn’t built overnight, and we both still learn to do it. Every now and then, we bring joy and happiness for each other as well as bring pain and suffer towards one another. And every bit of them all is what makes us who we are. They are our lesson as well as our blessing. It is alright if I am hurt in the process; for as long as I know that he will keep his promise and never ceased to be my home, and then I can always get up once again and move forward. It is alright if I have to be the one who is being sacrificed in the process; as long as I can feel loved, and then I can always smile again. I will use all the pain for my growth. I will turn them all into my strength. Hence I can love more sincerely. Hence my soul can be healed even more.

“Our belief, our love, those eternal promises; if I remember them, I will strongly walk forward. Our encounter, our farewell, those faded memories, if I was truly loved in them, a smile will come upon my face.” –Naul, Memory of the Wind (바람기억)




바람 불어와 내 맘 흔들면 지나간 세월에 두 눈을 감아본다
(Baram bureowa nae mam heundelmyeon jinaga sewore du nuneul gamabonda)
((When the wind blows and quivers my heart, I close my eyes before the time that has passed by))
나를 스치는 고요한 떨림 그 작은 소리에 난 귀를 기울여 본다
(Nareul seuchineun goyohan tteollim geu jageun sorie nan gwireul giuryeo bonda)
((The silent trembling that sweeps me by, I open my ears and listen carefully to that soft sound))
내 안에 숨쉬는 커버린 삶의 조각들이 날 부딪혀 지날 때 그 곳을 바라보리라
(Nae ane sumswineun keobeorin salmeui jogakdeuri nal buditchyeo jinal ttae geu goseul baraborira)
((The growing pieces of life that breathe inside me, when they bump against and pass me by, I will look at that place))

우리의 믿음 우리의 사랑 그 영원한 약속들을 나 추억한다면 힘차게 걸으리라
(Urieui mideum urieui sarang geu yeongwonhan yaksokdeureul na chueokhandamyeon himchage georeurira)
((Our belief, our love, those eternal promises, if I remember them, I will strongly walk forward))
우리의 만남 우리의 이별 그 바래진 기억에 나 사랑했다면 미소를 띄우리라
(Urieui mannam urieui ibyeol geu baraejin gieoge na saranghaettdamyeon misoreul ttwiurira)
((Our encounter, our farewell, those faded memories, if I was truly loved in them, a smile will come upon my face))

내 안에 있는 모자란 삶의 기억들이 날 부딪혀 지날 때 그 곳을 바라보리라
(Nae ane ittneun mojaran salmeui gieokdeuri nal buditchyeo jinal ttae geu goseul baraborira)
((The short memories of life that are inside me, when they bump against and pass me by, I will look over there))

우리의 믿음 우리의 사랑 그 영원한 약속들을 나 추억한다면 힘차게 걸으리라
(Urieui mideum urieui sarang geu yeongwonhan yaksokdeureul na chueokhandamyeon himchage georeurira)
((Our belief, our love, those eternal promises, if I remember them, I will strongly walk forward))
우리의 만남 우리의 이별 그 바래진 기억에 나 사랑했다면 미소를 띄우리라
(Urieui mannam urieui ibyeol geu barajin gieokge na saranghaettdamyeon misoreul ttwiurira)
((Our encounter, our farewell, those faded memories, if I was truly loved in them, a smile will come upon my face))
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


Melancholic feeling is something we cannot escape from whenever we feel lonely and missing someone significant. And emptiness is something we cannot deny whenever we are having a hard time. And this is what I feel currently. I know that I’m not good at speaking up about my feelings, but I understand that I’m pretty good at writing them down. And that’s what I do from time to time; writing down all of my feelings, just trying to kill the pain. Actually I feel really thankful for having a significant other who is able to understand, accept, and embrace this side of mine. I’m thankful that he knows me better to listen to every of my deepest feeling that I can hardly speak, though I’m stuttering, though I’m choked by my own tears, he just patiently listens and holds me; wiping all my tears and kissing away the pain. For me, it’s just irreplaceable. I know it all too well that relationship can be so painful at times, at some point, and to some extent. And there are times when we ask to ourselves: where did it all go wrong? However, every of “me and you” will always know our way back home. And there will come a time when we stop chasing affection from other people, because we realize that there is no other can replace what we are to each other, what we give and what we have for one another, and what we become when we are together.

“Just that one smile of yours, just that one touch of yours, they were so soft, but why does a single word from you could make me long for you? There is no other scent and no other whisper can compare to a single word from you.” –Jung Joon Young feat. Jang Hye Jin, Me and You (나와 너)

Now I that I have spoken up about my pain and sadness to my significant other, actually I don’t have any reason to feel sad anymore. However, I still find the need to release some anxiety that is still left in my mind. And I guess writing my feelings through this one song will help me to do that; I hope. It is a Korean song titled “Me and You (나와 너)”, performed by one of my favorite Korean male singer-songwriters, Jung Joon Young. For this rock ballad track, Jung collaborated with his senior female singer, Jang Hye Jin. “Me and You (나와 너)” served as the title track for Jung’s first studio album, “The First Person”, which was released on February 7th 2017. An official accompany music video directed by Vikings League was premiered on Mnet on February 6th 2017. The music video features a sad love story that fits the mood of the song. Moreover, the harmony of Jung and Jang’s duet makes the song sound very emotional and meaningful at the same time. “Me and You (나와 너)” was written by Jung himself, and was composed and arranged by Jung along with Lee Ji Hoon. Listening to this song, as well as watching the MV, reminds me that: though there are times that relationship can be deteriorated, there is always one sole reason why we hold on and never stop fighting for it; it’s love. And love is never painful. And during the hardest time in the relationship, it’s good to take a look at the beautiful memories that have been made and shared together. We were happy. And we can be happy, again, me and you, together.


"The First Person" album cover | source: popgasa.com

Wise woman said that love is never painful, but relationship is; because it has boundaries, rules, and growth, and violations to those will hurt us. Well, I admit that there were many times when I thought about giving up. Those were times when the pain seemed so unbearable that no matter how hard I cried my heart out, I couldn’t feel better. Those were times when the heartbreak felt like killing me and tearing me apart until I crawled on the floor wishing to die. Those were times when I felt betrayed for the violations towards the agreement that it took away my faith, pride, and dignity. Those were times when promises were broken until there was nothing left of me; that were when I bent too much till I broke in pieces. “Have you ever thought about the day we would be together for the last time? Did I have to hear these words today? My lips are trembling, my dear. Yet, if I send you away, I still feel like I’m going to regret it, this is not right. I don’t think you will come back, you will just be another memory, but it’s not the time yet.”
However, giving up was not the answer, no matter how I thought about it. Giving up might be the easy way out. Yet, the right thing to do is the most difficult ones most of the time. Love is the reason why we try and fight for a relationship to work it out. And as the wise woman said, whenever we are tired, we should rest; and whenever we feel abused, we should speak it up. I don’t want to have any regret anymore from walking out of a relationship before even trying to fight harder. Though I know that I will be alright again as time goes by, just like I have always been, it still doesn’t feel right to walk away just like this. Though I know it all too well that everything will eventually become a memory, I just feel that this is not the time for that yet. It might turn me into a fool and selfish person, yet I thought holding on was the right thing to do. “Can you please reconsider over it just once again? Please forgive me for changing. If I lose you right now, I think I will regret it, this is not right. I was such a fool, am I being selfish? It will be just another memory; it’s just not the time yet.”
Why do we hold on? The answer is always clear for me. No matter how many smiling faces I saw along the way, there is always this one particular smile that I always long to see. No matter how soft and gentle the touch that I got from every man I met along the way, there is always this one particular touch that can always make me feel the way I never felt from anybody else. “Just that one smile of yours, just that one touch of yours, they were so soft, but why does a single word from you could make me long for you? There is no other scent and no other whisper can compare to a single word from you.” Moreover, there are words spoken and whispered by that particular person that can always make me feel alive unlike those sweet words from anybody else. And also the scent; an irreplaceable scent of that one particular person. “I believed that one single wound would not affect me at all, but why does my heart ache so much like it was ripped apart? We were happy, weren’t we? Me and you, and us together, will there be no happy ending for us?”


Jung Joon Young in the music video of "Me and You" | source: soompi.com

I know he might not feel the same way, but I just want him to know that even though he can easily replace my smile and touch with any other girl, it’s not like that for me. I cannot easily replace his fragrance and whisper with any other men. No matter how bad I was fooling around, I will never violate our agreement. Every other smile and touch that I got along the way, those cannot compare with his fragrance and whisper that I always long for. Moreover, it’s in the words from him that can always make me yearn for him. The “me and you” that we have, nothing can be compared to that and nothing can ever replace that. And just when I thought that I will be doing just fine while doing all the bending for this relationship, apparently I was hurt deeper than I thought. Just when I thought that a single wound wouldn’t affect me at all, my heart hurt as if it would tear apart. We were happy, right, the two of us together, you and me? I was bending a lot for this relationship, as I told you that night, and the fact that I was hurt, if you really do love me, please do something about that.

“I believed that one single wound would not affect me at all, but why does my heart ache so much like it was ripped apart? We were happy, weren’t we? Me and you, and us together, will there be no happy ending for us?” –Jung Joon Young feat. Jang Hye Jin, Me and You (나와 너)




한 번쯤은 생각해 봤었나요 우리의 마지막 함께할 그 날
(Han beonjjeumeun saenggakhae bwasseossnayo uriui majimak hamkkehal geu nal)
((Have you ever thought about the day we would be together for the last time?))
이런 말을 꼭 오늘 들어야 했었는지 내 입술은 떨려와요 그대
(Ireon mareul kkok oneul deureoya haesseossneunji nae ipsureun tteollyeowayo geudae)
((Did I have to hear these words today? My lips are trembling, my dear))
아직 너를 보내면 후회할 것 같은데 이건 아닌데
(Ajik neoreul bonaemyeon huhoehal geot gateunde igeon aninde)
((Yet, if I send you away, I still feel like I’m going to regret it, this is not right))
돌아올 것 같지 않아 그저 또 한 번의 추억이 될 거잖아 아직은 아닌데
(Doraol geot gatji anha geujeo tto han beonui chueogi doel geojanha ajigeun aninde)
((I don’t think you will come back, you will just be another memory, but it’s not the time yet))

단 한 번의 미소가 내게 한 번의 손결이 고왔는데 왜 너의 한마디는 날 갈구하게 만드는 걸까요
(Dan han beonui misoga naege han beonui songyeori gowassneunde wae neoui hanmadineun
nal galguhage mandeuneun geolkkayo)
((Just that one smile of yours, just that one touch of yours, they were so soft, but why does a single word from you could make me long for you?))
그 어떤 향기와 그 어떤 속삭임도 그대의 말 한마디와는 비교할 수가 없어요
(Geu eotteon hyanggiwa geu eotteon soksagimdo geudaeui mal hanmadiwaneun bigyohal suga eopseoyo)
((There is no other scent and no other whisper can compare to a single word from you))

한 번쯤은 다시 생각해줄 수 없나요 달라질 날 용서해줘요
(Han beonjjeumeun dasi saenggakhaejul su eopsnayo dallajil nal yongseohaejwoyo)
((Can you please reconsider over it just once again? Please forgive me for changing))
지금 너를 놓치면 후회할 것 같은데 이건 아닌데
(Jigeum neoreul nohchimyeon huhoehal geot gateunde igeon aninde)
((If I lose you right now, I think I will regret it, this is not right))
바보같이 굴던 내가 이기적인 걸까 추억이 될 거잖아 아직은 아닌데
(Babogati guldeon naega igijeogin geolkka chueogi doel geojanha ajigeun aninde)
((I was such a fool, am I being selfish? It will be just another memory, it’s just not the time yet))

단 한 번의 미소가 내게 한 번의 손결이 고왔는데 왜 너의 한마디는 날 갈구하게 만드는 걸까요
(Dan han beonui misoga naege han beonui songyeori gowassneunde wae neoui hanmadineun
nal galguhage mandeuneun geolkkayo)
((Just that one smile of yours, just that one touch of yours, they were so soft, but why does a single word from you could make me long for you?))
그 어떤 향기와 그 어떤 속삭임도 그대의 말 한마디와는 비교할 수가 없어요
(Geu eotteon hyanggiwa geu eotteon soksagimdo geudaeui mal hanmadiwaneun bigyohal suga eopseoyo)
((There is no other scent and no other whisper can compare to a single word from you))

단 한 번의 상처가 내겐 괜찮을 거라고 믿었는데 왜 나의 마음은 찢겨질 정도로 아픈 걸까요
(Dan han beonui sangcheoga naegen gwaenchanheul georago mideossneunde wae naui maeumeun jjijgyeojil jeongdoro apeun geolkkayo)
((I believed that one single wound would not affect me at all, but why does my heart ache so much like it was ripped apart?))
행복했었잖아 함께였던 나라는 그리고 너라는 우리 이뤄질 순 없을까요
(Haengbokhaesseossjanha hamkkeyeossdeon naraneun geurigo neoraneun uri irwojil sun eopseulkkayo)
((We were happy, weren’t we? Me and you, and us together, will there be no happy ending for us?))
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


That Sunday morning in the city of concrete jungle,
You sit on the chair beside the window, with me on your lap,
You leaned your head on mine, and as you rested in my arms you said,
“It’s peaceful.”
Don’t you know that I feel the same?

Love,
A teak tree may show different appearances as it adjust to the season,
But it’s still the same old teak tree,
And so does a human,
We may show different skin as we adapt to our surrounding,
But it’s still ourselves.

So don’t be afraid.

And last night, I listened to my heartbeat one by one,
As I looked into your eyes and said these words,
“And I will love every skin of yours.”

And as the night deepened,
You held my hand and whispered to me once again,
“We’re in this together.”
And that was how I found the peace of love.


M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


I don’t wanna cry every time I meet you,
But forgive me because I always do.
Just like you said, it’s because I’m too patient, too much missing you,
    too much missing us, too much overwhelming feelings that I cannot contain.

Just like that night in the terrace of your parents’ house.
And just like last night in the room of our own.
It was just last night when we had the heart-to-heart talking,
Tears were streaming down on my face again.

And thankfully, you always succeed in consoling my pain,
                wipe away my tears,
                turn them into a bunch of smiles and kisses.

I was bending a lot for you;
      Because I’ve put my trust on you,
      Because I understand you; the pressure, the pain, the depression.
      Because I give my best to embrace you, and accept you.
      Because I lack of so much and cannot provide you with anything.
I don’t demand anything much, just for you to, please, give a more care towards my heart,
      So that it won’t be broken as it bends.
And I was so glad that you listened, and understood.
“I will find a way to stop it,” you said, about your young fling that gives you the illusion of young love.
I hope you really meant what you said. And I will keep you words.
I will be waiting. I give you time and I won’t push you.
I only need you to remember your way back home.

“Commitment isn’t built overnight,” I said to you,
“and we’re in the process of building it; learning and putting some efforts, through the years and it may be a never ending process.”
“You are my mature love. And to you, I will always come back to.” You said.

Last night in our own room,
You put your hand on my chest, and said,
“Because this, is home,”
And you put my hand on your chest, and said,
“This, is home.”
And my heart felt at ease.
I smiled as tears fell down upon my cheek.
And you kissed away the pain, again.
And then you whispered,
“I’m here. I’m always here.”
As you held me tight, you whispered one more time,
“I love you.”


M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


Eyang, apa kabar? Aku rindu.
Maaf baru menemui sekarang. Maaf bila ku membutuhkan waktu lama ‘tuk bisa datang.
Kehilanganmu adalah salah satu hal terberat bagiku.
Dan aku rasa aku tak akan pernah sembuh dari itu.
Eyang,
Hidup akhir-akhir terasa lebih berat dari biasanya. Dunia sedang tak bersahabat.
Dan aku tak tahu lagi harus berkeluh pada siapa.
Tak ada yang mau mendengar, bahkan langit sekalipun.
Aku tidak ingin menangis.
Bagaimana di sana? Apakah menyenangkan?
Apakah kau menjalani waktu-waktumu dengan tenang? Apakah ada yang disebut “waktu” di sana?
Aku tidak ingin menangis.
Apakah di sana jauh lebih baik daripada di sini?
Haruskah aku segera menyusul ke sana?
Aku tidak ingin menangis.
Eyang,
Kalau ada orang-orang yang tidak ditakdirkan ‘tuk bahagia di dunia ini,
Pasti aku termasuk diantaranya.
Bagaimana bisa hidup ini begini?
Aku tidak ingin menangis.
Banyak orang yang tertawa di atas tangisan orang lain.
Ada pula perempuan yang bahagia di atas kesedihan perempuan lain.
Kehidupan ini memuakkan.
Aku tidak ingin menangis.
Satu demi satu orang-orang yang berarti bagiku justru meninggalkanku.
Tak ada yang berpihak padaku.
Sosok yang kukira percaya padaku pun tak lagi ada untukku.
Mungkin memang sudah jalannya aku takkan pernah jadi prioritas seseorang.
Aku tidak ingin menangis.
Eyang,
Apakah di sana kau menemukan arti hidup?
Apakah di sana kau menemukan makna cinta?
Mungkin hidup ini memang seperti yang kita tahu selama ini.
Sungguh aku rindu saat-saat di mana kita berbincang berdua.
Aku tidak ingin menangis.
Karma siapa yang sedang kujalani sekarang?
Mungkin di kehidupan sebelumnya aku adalah orang yang berkhianat pada bangsanya,
Sehingga dalam kehidupan yang sekarang aku menjalani hukumanku.
Akankah ada kehidupan selanjutnya untukku?
Aku tidak ingin menangis.
Haruskah aku susul saja dirimu?
Aku rasa takkan ada yang merasa kehilangan atas kepergianku.
Aku hanya variabel yang mudah digantikan bagi orang-orang di sekitarku,
Bahkan bagi sosok yang sangat berarti bagiku.

Namun angin berhembus,
Dan sayup-sayup terdengar suara halus seorang ibu berambut putih,
Ia menyapaku dengan hangat,
Mashita, apa kabar?

Dan di tepi makam itu, aku bersimpuh bersimbah air mata.

Eyang,
Mungkin memang belum saatnya aku menyusul ke tempatmu.
Baik-baik di sana, ya, sampai saatnya aku datang.
Aku akan bawakan bunga-bunga cantik kesukaanmu.


M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia
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