Out of Reach



I don’t know where it all goes wrong. I don’t have any idea how it all can turn out to be like this. I don’t understand how it all goes wrong. I can’t quite figure it out where I make mistakes and how I do it wrong and what my faults are. However, I guess I just do wrong. I guess I just make my mistakes. And I guess I’m the one at fault here. In a sudden, just like that, my partner is out of reach. He had done this before to me, but still it makes me restless. He had done this before in his previous relationship too, but still it doesn’t make sense for me. At times like this, I just cannot help but thinking that I’m indeed not enough; not good enough, not pretty enough, not kind enough, not bright enough, not rich enough. I just cannot help but thinking that I don’t deserve to be loved completely, indeed. I just cannot help but thinking that I lack so much as a partner; that he’s indeed out of my league. I just cannot help but thinking that he deserve someone much better than I am. And I’m so confused. My heart’s bruised. Was I ever loved by you, Vidi Mahatma?

Catch myself from despair, I could drown if I stay here, keeping busy everyday, I know I will be okay. But I was so confused, my heart’s bruised, was I ever loved by you?” –Gabrielle, Out of Reach

I really love Bridget Jones. I love the movie series. I also love the novels. And of course I love the character. I used to think that I would end up as an old bachelorette just like her, since I have been unfortunate with love life and romance relationship as well. This time, I feel so related with one of the soundtracks for one of Bridget Jones’ movies. This song is titled “Out of Reach”, performed by English singer, Gabrielle. The R n’ B soul track was released on April 9th 2001 as the lead single taken from the album “Bridget Jones’s Diary: Music from the Motion Picture”, which was released on April 3rd 2001. “Out of Reach” later became a part of Gabrielle’s reissue version of her third studio album, “Rise”, which was released on April 30th 2001. Later on November 12th 2001, it became a part of the singer’s greatest hits album, “Dreams Can Come True, Greatest Hits Vol. 1”. “Out of Reach” was written by Gabrielle herself along with Jonathan Shorten. I really love the bass sound in the intro part of the song. And lyrically, it depicts my current feeling, as it speaks about a broken heart caused by unrequited love. How would you feel when you realize that your love is unrequited? Though you understand that love is never reciprocal, it still hurts knowing that your beloved one is choosing to neglect you in the end. It makes you feel worthless. And that’s what I feel now.


"Out of Reach" single cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

How would you feel when someone you believe loves you, tells you that they don’t actually love you? How would you feel when you realize that your love is in vain? How would you feel when you realize that your love is taken for granted? How would you feel when you realize that your love is going to waste? Somehow you always knew that a time like that will come. Perhaps you’re just being denial. Perhaps you’re just too afraid to face the truth. Perhaps your heart just won’t admit what your head already knew. “Knew the signs, wasn’t right, I was stupid for a while, swept away by you and now I feel like a fool. So confused, my heart’s bruised, was I ever loved by you?” It doesn’t matter anyway if you head already knew it, because when the time comes when you realize it, your heart will be broken eventually. And you can never prepare for a broken heart. It hurts no matter what. “Catch myself from despair, I could drown if I stay here, keeping busy everyday, I know I will be okay. But I was so confused, my heart’s bruised, was I ever loved by you?”
Love is never reciprocal, yet no matter how much we prepare ourselves for the worst case scenario; it will always hurt when we know that we are the only one struggling in the relationship. I’m so used of being unwanted that I think I will be okay this time, but I was wrong. I’m so used of being neglected that I think I will be alright this time, but I was wrong. No matter how hard I try to keep myself busy, I’m still drowning in despair anyway. No matter how hard I try to catch myself from despair, I’m still staying in the darkness anyway. “So much hurt, so much pain, takes a while to regain what is lost inside. And I hope that in time, you’ll be out of my mind, and I’ll be over you. But now I'm so confused, my heart’s bruised, was I ever loved by you?” These questions are undeniably haunting my mind: was I ever loved by him? Was it all ever being real? Or was it all just a lie? Was he just pretending? I’m just so confused. I don’t what to do or what to say. And even worse, I don’t know what to feel. My heart is just bruised. And that is all that I know right now.
And now that he is out of reach, I’m here on my own staring blankly at the ceiling. Being surrounded by the four walls, I shut myself from the world because it feels too cruel outside. It’s empty and cold without him, too many people to ache over. My heart and soul is longing for him, my body is longing to hold him; so bad that it hurts inside. I know it takes some time to regain what is lost inside of me, but I cannot seem to be healed; so much hurt and so much pain. “Out of reach, so far, I never had your heart. Out of reach, couldn’t see we were never meant to be.” I cannot seem to see the time when I finally get him out of my mind. I cannot seem to see the time when I finally can be over him. Just like him, a time like that is out of reach. He may think that I’m weak, but I think he’s wrong. I guess I’m tired of being strong for too long. I guess I just never had his heart. I guess he just never gave his heart. I guess I just couldn’t see that we never meant to be. “Out of reach, so far, you never gave your heart. In my reach, I can see there’s a life out there for me.”


"Bridget Jones's Diary: Music from the Motion Picture" album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

Is there really a life out there for me? I guess it’s still too far from where I stand right now. Right now I just feel like a fool. I’m so confused. All of my heart is bruised. Was I ever loved by him? I don’t even know where to stand right now. He is out of reach. He is so far. Though everyone around me saying that he loves me, I just feel so lost and empty right now. I cannot stop thinking where and how I did it all wrong. I guess I was saying the wrong thing. I guess I was not reacting in the way that he expected me to. When he said that I don’t know him, I should have known that it’s an expression of sadness and melancholy. Instead of getting angry with his statement, I should have said things that could console him and sooth his emotions. When he asked me to remind him about why we are together in the first place, I should have explained my feelings better. When he said that our relationship is crumbling down, I should have known better how to calm him down instead of just saying nothing. I should have known better. Hence it’s my entire fault eventually. And now that he is out of reach, it’s all because of my mistakes. I guess I just reap what I sow.

So much hurt, so much pain, takes a while to regain what is lost inside. And I hope that in time, you’ll be out of my mind, and I’ll be over you. But now I'm so confused, my heart’s bruised, was I ever loved by you?” –Gabrielle, Out of Reach




Knew the signs, wasn’t right, I was stupid for a while, swept away by you and now I feel like a fool
So confused, my heart’s bruised, was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far, I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see we were never meant to be

Catch myself from despair, I could drown if I stay here, keeping busy everyday, I know I will be okay
But I was so confused, my heart’s bruised, was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far, I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see we were never meant to be

So much hurt, so much pain, takes a while to regain what is lost inside
And I hope that in time, you’ll be out of my mind, and I’ll be over you
But now I'm so confused, my heart’s bruised, was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far, I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see we were never meant to be
Out of reach, so far, you never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see there’s a life out there for me

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