• Home
  • Download
    • Premium Version
    • Free Version
    • Downloadable
    • Link Url
      • Example Menu
      • Example Menu 1
  • Social
    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • Googleplus
  • Features
    • Lifestyle
    • Sports Group
      • Category 1
      • Category 2
      • Category 3
      • Category 4
      • Category 5
    • Sub Menu 3
    • Sub Menu 4
  • Entertainment
  • Travel
  • Contact Us

footer logo

pieces of me



Aku membenci wacana sosial historis yang menempatkan sesama perempuan dalam posisi vis a vis, yang mana dikonstruksi oleh sistem patriarki dunia (tidak hanya sosial dan kultural, melainkan juga agama) yang “mewajarkan” apabila seorang pria memiliki lebih dari seorang perempuan sebagai pasangan. Dari situ, para perempuan “dibiasakan” untuk saling bersaing antara satu sama lain untuk menjadi yang “utama”. Di situlah sumber penyakitnya.
Terlebih lagi, aku menyayangkan para perempuan yang tidak cukup terbuka pemikirannya untuk memperluas daya pikir dan perspektif mereka terhadap isu-isu mengenai kaum mereka sendiri: perempuan. Mereka adalah perempuan yang (baik disadari maupun tidak) masih terbawa arus patriarki, yang terlihat dari cara mereka mendiskreditkan sesama perempuan lainnya yang berelasi dengan pria yang menjadi sasaran ketertarikan mereka. Baik itu dengan tujuan untuk sekadar menarik perhatian maupun untuk sengaja menyakiti hati perempuan lain, apapun tujuannya, aku sangat menyayangkan tindakan yang demikian.
Sayangnya, baru-baru ini hal tersebut menimpaku.
Adalah seorang perempuan, yang dengan sengaja menunjukkan atensi dengan cara memberi tanda suka pada foto-fotoku. Kemudian, perempuan itu dengan sengaja membuka kunci gembok akunnya. Rupanya, perempuan itu mengunggah video yang memuat seorang laki-laki, yaitu pasanganku. Belum cukup rupanya dengan mengunggah video itu saja, ia juga memamerkan sebuah CD yang diberikan oleh laki-laki itu, disertai ucapan terima kasih. Dari situ, wajarkah ketika aku menyimpulkan bahwa si perempuan dengan sengaja ingin “menunjukkan” semua itu padaku? Menurutku, wajar. Secara sederhana, si perempuan ingin pamer kemesraan. (Deduksi tersebut aku dapatkan dari sikap si perempuan yang secara tiba-tiba muncul menampakkan diri dengan cara memberi tanda suka pada foto yang memuat diriku dan pasanganku saja. Kemudian membuka kunci gembok akunnya sendiri supaya dapat diakses oleh publik.)
Pertanyaannya kemudian: apa tujuan si perempuan? Asumsiku hanya satu: dia ingin menyakitiku. Mengapa aku berasumsi demikian? Antara dua orang yang tidak saling mengenal, tidak ada tindakan yang dilandasi dengan niat baik tanpa upaya untuk melakukan perkenalan terlebih dahulu. Dia tahu siapa diriku. Aku tahu siapa dirinya. Namun fakta-fakta itu tidak cukup untuk membuat dua orang dikategorikan sebagai “saling mengenal”. Apabila niatannya baik, maka alih-alih melakukan tindakan purba seperti itu, ia akan memperkenalkan dirinya terlebih dahulu, lalu berkata “aku pergi dengan kekasihmu, dan kami sangat senang menghabiskan waktu bersama, dan ia memberikan CD padaku, dan aku sangat berterima kasih padanya.” Bicara secara baik-baik, layaknya manusia yang memiliki akal dan hati nurani. Say it to my face, bitch! Namaste~
Sesungguhnya aku sangat menghindari terjebak dalam hierarki patriarki yang membuatku seolah “membenci” si perempuan. Namun apabila kejadiannya seperti ini, aku tidak bisa tidak merasa marah atas tindakan si perempuan tersebut. Lebih dari sekadar marah, aku sakit hati dan kecewa. Ya, aku pun marah, sedih, dan kecewa terhadap pasanganku, namun dalam spektrum yang berbeda. Aku marah, sedih, dan kecewa terhadap perempuan itu karena ia adalah perempuan; sesamaku yang selama ini selalu aku dorong semangatnya untuk tidak tunduk sepenuhnya pada sistem patriarki. Melihat ini, aku yakin para aktivis gerakan feminisme dari berbagai gelombang akan bersedih.

Teruntuk si perempuan (yang dengan bangga memamerkan padaku kebersamannya dengan kekasihku),
Kalau kau berpikir karena dirimu masih muda maka kau bebas untuk bertindak sesuka hati, maka aku merasa kasihan (lagi). Berdasarkan pengalaman, setiap pilihan hidupmu yang kau ambil pada usia berapapun akan menentukan jati dirimu. Manusia sering berpikir bahwa mereka memiliki waktu. Padahal waktu adalah satu-satunya hal yang tidak bisa mereka miliki.
Ya, aku merasa sangat tersinggung dengan apa yang kau lakukan. Aku tahu kau suka bermain-main dengan para pria itu; tidak hanya kekasihku saja, mungkin. Apakah kau juga selalu melibatkan pasangan mereka ke dalam permainanmu? Kalau iya, kali ini kau salah memilih orang untuk bermain-main. Kalau tidak, lalu mengapa kau melakukan ini padaku? Mungkin itu caramu untuk menunjukkan bahwa kau sangat menyukai pasanganku. Mungkin itu caramu untuk menabuh genderang perang terhadapku. Mungkin itu caramu untuk mengejekku, bahwa tidak peduli sebahagia apapun diriku dengan pasanganku, pasanganku masih menemui perempuan lain. (Jangan khawatir, aku sudah tahu soal itu. Kau tidak perlu menegaskannya dengan cara pamer kebersamaan.) Mungkin itu caramu untuk memancing amarahku. (Selamat, kau berhasil. Namun aku tidak gentar.) Di mataku kau hanya seperti anak kecil yang sedang merengek meminta perhatian. Memuakkan.
Sepertinya aku pernah dengan tegas memberitahumu untuk tidak menggangguku, ya? Aku menyampaikannya melalui kekasihku. Entah dia yang tidak menyampaikannya padamu atau kamu yang lupa. Oh ya, kekasihku pernah mengirimkan foto tangkapan layar percakapan kalian. Seingatku kamu berkata “ingin berada di belakang layar saja”, ya? Wah, apa yang terjadi? Apa yang membuatmu kemudian memutuskan untuk muncul ke depan layar? Benar-benar suka pada kekasihku, ya? Kasihan. Dirimu penuh ironi serta ketimpangan dan kegagalan logika soal relasi. Aku dan kekasihku, kami, pernah membicarakan kegagalan logikamu itu. Tidak perlu aku ceritakan bagaimana detailnya. Semoga kau lekas mendapatkan pencerahan pikiran.
Ketika perempuan pernah menyakitimu, itu tidak menjadi alasan bagimu untuk menyakiti perempuan lain di kemudian hari dengan cara yang sama atau bahkan lebih buruk. Ketika para pria pernah menyakitimu, itu tidak menjadi sesuatu yang melegitimasi segala tindakanmu untuk menyakiti perempuan lain. Apalagi ketika pasanganmu menyakitimu, itu tidak memberimu legitimasi untuk menyakiti pasangan dari pria lain. Bahagiakah kau ketika tertawa di atas tangisan perempuan lain? Apakah dengan demikian, kau merasa menang? Apabila jawabanmu adalah iya, maka aku merasa kasihan padamu. Kau masih muda. Berapa? 24? Jalanmu masih panjang. Masih banyak karma yang harus kau lalui, tidak peduli seberapa lurus garis di kedua telapak tanganmu. Aku harap ketika kau sampai pada usiaku sekarang, kau akan paham apa yang aku rasakan. Wajar apabila sekarang kau belum bisa mengerti. Oh, tidak, faktanya, kau takkan pernah bisa mengerti; selama kau tidak ingin membuka pikiranmu dan mengesampingkan egomu untuk melihat perspektif lain. Hmmm, kapasitas otak dan hati yang berbeda juga bisa jadi faktor penentu.
Kalau kau berpikir, siapa aku untuk menasehatimu seperti ini? Hmmm, halo? Aku adalah perempuan yang kau pameri kebersamaanmu dengan kekasihnya, ingat?
Kalau kau bertanya, mengapa aku mengunggah tulisan ini alih-alih bicara langsung padamu? Jawabannya sederhana, aku hanya mengembalikan apa yang kau berikan padaku. Terserah kau akan mengartikannya seperti apa. (Sesungguhnya aku merasa sayang dengan satu halaman situsku terbuang percuma untuk menulis untukmu. Oh, tidak, tidak percuma. Ini semua demi kemajuan sesama perempuan. Duh, maafkan jiwa aktivisku, ya.)
Selain itu, aku menulis ini untuk diriku sendiri. Penyaluran emosi adalah salah satu kunci dari umur yang panjang (selain takdir, tentu saja). Maka tulisan ini lahir sebagai produk atas emosiku. Tenang, kamu bukan satu-satunya perempuan yang pernah menggangguku karena mereka begitu tertariknya dengan pasanganku. Aku sudah biasa menyalurkan emosi seperti ini.
Oh ya, terima kasih atas bantuan apapun yang kau berikan pada kekasihku, ya.
Terakhir; teriring doa untukmu, secara tulus. Semoga kau bahagia. Semoga kau bertemu banyak pria lajang untuk ditaklukkan, sehingga kau tidak perlu repot-repot mengganggu pria lain yang telah memiliki pasangan. Semoga kau memiliki pasangan yang membahagiakanmu, sehingga kau tidak perlu repot-repot mengganggu pasangan pria lain. Ayolah, bagaimana kaum kita, perempuan, bisa lebih maju kalau masih saling mematikan satu sama lain seperti ini? Come on, have some dignity.


Daerah Istimewa Yogyakarta, 30092017, namaste
Wrote by Mashita Fandia



Just when I thought (or I intended to be) that everything was going to be alright again, another storm of emotions has trapped me in despair. Today is one of the worst days. (As if I don’t have enough worst days throughout my 27 years of life.) I wonder how can there be people who like to see other people suffering. Moreover, when they are women. How can there be women who like to see other women suffering. And moreover again, how can there be women who are so proud of their ability to hurt other women. Well, I’m not going to talk about that regular bitch; not right now. I’m going to talk about relationship and unrequited love. The first wave that hits me today is sadness. There are times in a relationship in which we feel that we fight alone, when we are supposed to fight together with our partner. Hence the second wave that hits me today is disappointment. No matter how we feel abandoned in the relationship, most of the time we can do nothing about it. It’s because we love more. Indeed, ones who love more are the ones who get hurt deeper. But it doesn’t mean that they lose. Instead, they win; against their own ego.

“You can’t do this to me. All of the words you said are like a mask. It hides the truth and rips me apart; it pierces me. I’m going crazy, I hate this. Take it all away, I just hate you. But you’re my everything.” –BTS, I Need U

The thing about love is: no matter how painful it is, we cannot walk away easily because we know we need that person whom we love. In the middle of this sadness and disappointment, I feel that this song resonates my current feeling very well. It is a Korean song titled “I Need U”, performed by the hottest boy group in the Kpop scene nowadays, BTS, also known as Bangtan Boys or Beyond the Scene. The power hip-hop electric dance pop track was released as the title track for the group’s third extended play, “The Most Beautiful Moment in Life, Part 1”, on April 29th 2015. Prior to that, an official accompany music video for “I Need U” was premiered on SBS MTV on April 24th 2015. The song was written by three members of BTS, Rap Monster, J-Hope, and Suga, along with “Hitman” Bang, Brother Su, and Pdogg who also did the composing and arrangement of the song. Lyrically, it speaks the pain and sadness that someone feels from the unrequited love in a romance relationship, where they feel like being in a lonely fight in it.


"The Most Beautiful Moment in Life, Part 1" white version mini album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

Love will bring us down to our knees; if we love truly and sincerely. It makes us fall and scattered apart. It makes us break and falling down. It makes us ruined. We feel beaten and bruised; destroyed by the never ending anxiety from the unrequited feeling. We want to stop as we keep telling ourselves that we won’t have that person anymore. We want to quit as we keep telling ourselves that we can’t do this anymore. We have enough as the pain of the unrequited love makes us feel like shit. Yet every time we try to do that, it bounces back to the fact that the person is the only one. “Fall; scattered apart. Fall; falling down. Because of you, I’ve become ruined like this. I will stop, I don’t want you anymore. I can’t do it anymore, it feels like shit. Please don’t give me any excuses. You can’t do this to me. All of the words you said are like a mask. It hides the truth and rips me apart; it pierces me. I’m going crazy, I hate this. Take it all away, I just hate you. But you’re my everything. Please get away from here. I’m sorry, I hate you. I love you, I hate you. Forgive me.”
Love will drive our minds insane; if we love deeply and genuinely. It makes us go around and keep coming back again and again no matter how many times we got broken down and tore apart. Though we feel like a fool, we cannot help it. Our heart just won’t admit what our head already knew. The rationality is always beaten and bruised by the irrational. We keep talking to ourselves, while as always, that person is not saying anything. Yet no matter how we cry tears, and even though that person can see those tears clearly, we are left desperately alone. “It goes round and round, why do I keep coming back? I go down and down; I’m fool enough now at this point. I tried everything that I can do but I can’t help it. It is my heart, my mind, my emotion, but why don’t they listen to my words? I’m just talking to myself again, but you’re not saying anything. Please, I’ll treat you well. The sky is so blue, the sun is shining so bright, so you can see my tears are even more clearly. Why is it only you for me? Why does it have to be you? Why can’t I leave you?”
Love is a lonely fight for those who have their love unrequited. No matter how we think about it, we cannot just leave it. No matter how many times we ask ourselves why it’s only that person that we love and why it has to be that person that we love, we cannot just stop. Though we know that we are alone in this lonely fight, we need that person. Though we know that we will always get hurt in the process, we need that person. Though we know that the person is a cold beauty, we need that person. “I need you; why is it only me alone who’s in love and say goodbye? I need you; why do I keep needing you again when I know I’ll get hurt? I need you; you’re beautiful. I need you; you’re so cold. I need you.” And what makes it harder is that the person knows we need them. Hence they can play easily with our heart. And no matter how hard we plea to be just killed right away and end the pain, the plea will never be granted. “Just tell me you want to break up. Just tell me it wasn’t love. I don’t have the courage to say that. Please give me the last present, so I can’t ever go back to you.”


BTS in the music video of "I Need U" | source: Big Hit Entertainment

People say that we love someone hence we need that person. However, when it comes to relationship, it isn’t all about happiness and good things. Sometimes, romance relationship can feel like a lonely fight where we love alone and say goodbye alone and we keep getting in the loop over and over again. Perhaps it’s because we love more than our partner loves us. Most of the times, it’s because we love in a different way than how our partner loves us. Hence we feel like we’re being hurt most of the time, like our love is being taken for granted, or even worse, like we’re being treated as if we are dirty trash. At some point, love does hurt. And most of the time, it’s because we feel that our love is unrequited. And it makes us confused; it bruised our heart yet we cannot just walk away from the relationship. Because in the end of day, we know that it all comes down to the fact that we need our significant other. And all the anxiety and questions we always wonder come down to one answer: we need our significant other because we love our significant other.

“It goes round and round, why do I keep coming back? I go down and down; I’m fool enough now at this point. I tried everything that I can do but I can’t help it. It is my heart, my mind, my emotion, but why don’t they listen to my words? I’m just talking to myself again, but you’re not saying anything.” –BTS, I Need U




Fall fall fall 흩어지네 fall fall fall 떨어지네
(Fall fall fall heuteojine fall fall fall tteoreojine)
((Fall, fall, fall, scattered apart, fall, fall, fall, falling down))
너 땜에 나 이렇게 망가져 그만할래 이제 너 안 가져
(Neo ttaeme na ireohge manggajyeo geumanhallae ije neo an gajyeo)
((Because of you, I’ve become ruined like this, I will stop, I don’t want you anymore))
못하겠어 뭣 같아서 제발 핑계 같은 건 삼가줘
(Mothagesseo mwot gataseo jebal pinggye gateun geon samgajwo)
((I can’t do it anymore,  it feels like shit, please don’t give me any excuses))
니가 나한테 이럼 안 돼 니가 한 모든 말은 안대
(Niga nahante ireom an dwae niga han modeun mareun andae)
((You can’t do this to me, all of the words you said are like a mask))
진실을 가리고 날 찢어 날 찍어 나 미쳐 다 싫어 전부 가져가 난 니가 그냥 미워
(Jinsireul garigo nal jjijeo nal jjigeo na michyeo da silheo jeonbu gajyeoga nan niga geunyang miwo)
((It hides the truth and rips me apart, it pierces me, I’m going crazy, I hate this, take it all away, I just hate you))
But you’re my everything, you’re my everything, you’re my everything, you’re my
제발 좀 꺼져 huh 미안해 I hate you 사랑해 I hate you 용서해
(Jebal jom kkeojyeo huh mianhae I hate you saranghae I hate you yongseohae)
((Please get away from here, I’m sorry, I hate you, I love you, I hate you, forgive me))

I need you girl 왜 혼자 사랑하고 혼자서만 이별해
(I need you girl wae honja saranghago honjaseoman ibyeolhae)
((I need you, girl, why is it only me alone who’s in love and say goodbye?))
I need you girl 왜 다칠 걸 알면서 자꾸 니가 필요해
(I need you girl wae dachil geol almyeonseo jakku niga piryohae)
((I need you girl, why do I keep needing you again when I know I’ll get hurt?))
I need you girl 넌 아름다워 I need you girl 너무 차가워
(I need you girl neon areumdawo I need you girl neomu chagawo)
((I need you girl, you’re beautiful, I need you girl, you’re so cold))
I need you girl, I need you girl, I need you girl, I need you girl

It goes round and round 나 왜 자꾸 돌아오지 I go down and down 이쯤 되면 내가 바보지
(It goes round and round na wae jakku doraoji, I go down and down ijjeum doemyeon naega baboji)
((It goes round and round, why do I keep coming back? I go down and down, I’m fool enough now at this point))
나 무슨 짓을 해봐도 어쩔 수가 없다고 분명 내 심장 내 마음 내 가슴인데 왜 말을 안 듣냐고
(Na museun jiseul haebwado eojjeol suga eopsdago bunmyeong nae simjang nae maeum nae gaseuminde wae mareul an deutnyago)
((I tried everything that I can do but I can’t help it, it is my heart, my mind, my emotion, but why don’t they listen to my words?))
또 혼잣말하네 또 혼잣말하네 또 혼잣말하네 또 혼잣말하네
(Tto honjasmalhane tto honjasmalhane tto honjasmalhane tto honjasmalhane)
((I’m just talking to myself again, talking to myself again, I’m just talking to myself again, talking to myself again))
넌 아무 말 안 해 아 제발 내가 잘할게 하늘은 또 파랗게 하늘은 또 파랗게
(Neon amu mal an hae a jebal naega jalhalge haneureun tto parahge haneureun tto parahge)
((But you’re not saying anything, please, I’ll treat you well, the sky is colored blue again, the sky is colored blue again))
하늘이 파래서 햇살이 빛나서 내 눈물이 더 잘 보이나 봐
(Haneuri paraeseo haessari bitnaseo nae nunmuri deo jal boina bwa)
((The sky is so blue, the sun is shining so bright, so you can see my tears are even more clearly))
왜 나는 너인지 왜 하필 너인지 왜 너를 떠날 수가 없는지
(Wae naneun neoinji wae hapil neoinji wae neoreul tteonal suga eopsneunji)
((Why is it only you for me? Why does it have to be you? Why can’t I leave you?))

I need you girl 왜 혼자 사랑하고 혼자서만 이별해
(I need you girl wae honja saranghago honjaseoman ibyeolhae)
((I need you, girl, why is it only me alone who’s in love and say goodbye?))
I need you girl 왜 다칠 걸 알면서 자꾸 니가 필요해
(I need you girl wae dachil geol almyeonseo jakku niga piryohae)
((I need you girl, why do I keep needing you again when I know I’ll get hurt?))
I need you girl 넌 아름다워 I need you girl 너무 차가워
(I need you girl neon areumdawo I need you girl neomu chagawo)
((I need you girl, you’re beautiful, I need you girl, you’re so cold))
I need you girl, I need you girl, I need you girl, I need you girl

Girl 차라리 차라리 헤어지자고 해줘girl 사랑이 사랑이 아니었다고 해줘
(Girl charari charari heeojijago haejwo girl sarangi sarangi anieossdago haejwo)
((Girl, just tell me you want to break up, girl, just tell me it wasn’t love))
내겐 그럴 용기가 없어 내게 마지막 선물을 줘 더는 돌아갈 수 없도록
(Naegen geureol yonggiga eopseo naege majimak seonmureul jwo deoneun doragal su eopsdorok)
((I don’t have the courage to say that, please give me the last present, so I can’t ever go back to you))

I need you girl 왜 혼자 사랑하고 혼자서만 이별해
(I need you girl wae honja saranghago honjaseoman ibyeolhae)
((I need you, girl, why is it only me alone who’s in love and say goodbye?))
I need you girl 왜 다칠 걸 알면서 자꾸 니가 필요해
(I need you girl wae dachil geol almyeonseo jakku niga piryohae)
((I need you girl, why do I keep needing you again when I know I’ll get hurt?))
I need you girl 넌 아름다워 I need you girl 너무 차가워
(I need you girl neon areumdawo I need you girl neomu chagawo)
((I need you girl, you’re beautiful, I need you girl, you’re so cold))
I need you girl, I need you girl, I need you girl, I need you girl
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


I want to write a poem that doesn’t sound hypocrite,
A poem that speaks her honest anxiety,
A poem that sings her sincere fears,
A poem that shouts her true sadness.
For when he neglects her, all that she feels is emptiness.
For when he pushes her away, her only friend is despair.
For when he shuts her off, she is being left alone in the darkness.

When he probably talks to another girl,
She can only lay down staring blankly at the ceiling.
When he probably laughs with another girl,
Her heart cries tears that her eyes aren’s able to cry.
When he probably has a chance meeting with another girl,
She can only lock herself in her room, waiting for his phonecall that never come.
When he probably goes for a dinner date with another girl,
She has no appetite because of her illness.
When he probably has sex with another girl,
She weakly lays down at the hospital, trying to endure the pain.
When he probably kisses another girl,
She has to eat those bitter medical pills.
When he probably sleeps with another girl,
She sleeps alone in the cold hospital room.
When he probably wakes up with another girl in his arms,
She wakes up in pain, wishing that tomorrow never come.

When all she wishes for is just to be with him,
He probably just busy chatting with another girl.
When all she wants is just to hear his voice,
He probably just busy singing for another girl.
When all she needs is just to see his face,
He probably just busy making some plans with another girl.
When all she hopes for is just to be in his arms,
He probably just busy watching movies with another girl.

She knows she lacks so much,
She knows she’s no good,
She knows she’s not a happy-go-lucky and cheerful girl that can make him happy all the time,
She knows she’s not a sexy and naughty girl that can burn him in desire,
She knows she’s not a pretty and innocent girl that can make him being protective,
She knows she’s just a mediocre.
She knows she’s unwanted.
She knows she’s undesirable.
She knows she’s rejectable.

She knows that his life would be just fine without her, but it’s not like that the other way around.
She’s not fine without him.
She knows that he can always replace her with another girl, but it’s not like that the other way around.
She can never find anyone to replace him.
She knows that he can always just forget her, but it’s not like that the other way around.
She can never forget him.

That is just what she’s honestly anxious about,
That is just what she sincerely fears about,
That is just what she’s truly sad about,
That she always thinks of him,
When he probably never think of her.

M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


(I)
The rain hasn’t stopped falling,
Just like people who never stop questioning about their identity.
Who are we? What define us?

(II)
It’s a cloudy sky upon the Earth,
Just like cloudy minds that never stop wondering.
What is the meaning behind our existence? What do we live for?

(III)
They say that happiness is a simple thing,
As simple as seeing the green trees getting soaked by the rainfalls,
As simple as feeling the water pouring down from the sky upon the skin of our face.

(IV)
They say that beauty is a humble thing,
As humble as seeing the little frog jumping freely under the rain,
As humble as feeling the splash of water when we step our feet on the grass.

(V)
For me, happiness is the time I spend with him, the good and the bad,
It is the moment I share with him, the laughter and the cry,
It is the day when I hold his hands, walking with me through the stormy days and starry nights.

(VI)
For me, beauty is in the deep of his eyes, piercing through my soul,
It is in the warmth of his smile, embracing me with grace and desire.
It is in the peace of his voice, giving me strength and faith to live on.

(VII)
And the rain is still falling,
And I guess people are still questioning.
And I think we don’t always find the answer right away,
But it is alright, too.
It is fine if we can’t find the answer at the moment,
That way we have purpose to wander,
That way we have reason to ponder.

(VIII)
As the rain falls harder, the longing for you gets deeper.
And I guess it is okay if I can’t meet you now, Dear.
That way I have reason to wait.
And I know that it’s worth it.

M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


I’ve been spending this past week with a lot of thoughts. I haven’t gone out from my parents’ house for about six days now. I’ve been living my day to day like a zombie. I sleep during the day and stay awake at night. I’m doing my research report yet I can’t seem to be able to drag my body to come out from the house. I just currently don’t like the idea of meeting people and having a pep-talk with anyone. Whenever I feel tired of reading books or typing my report, I take some time listening to some songs while thinking. Many things across my mind right now, mostly about the past, present, and future of my love life. At this point, I wonder how my love life would end up in the future. Do I really deserve happiness in terms of love and romance relationship? I know I’ve hurt too many people to deserve happiness. I have to live with my karma. Hence I believe that I do not deserve happiness. Hence I believe that I deserve pain. However, I also realize that there are things I cannot just let go like that, no matter how painful it is. And one of those things is this love I have. And apparently my soul always tends to go back to the person who feels like home; and that person is my significant other.

“If I stay like this any longer, if I remain like this, I think I’ll love you even more. If I stay like this any longer, if I keep looking at you like this, I just won’t be able to leave you.” –Sweet Sorrow, No Matter How I Think About It (아무리 생각해도 난 너를)

In the middle of my melancholic moment, I recall this one song that depicts my current state of mood really well. This is a Korean song titled “No Matter How I Think About It (아무리 생각해도 난 너를)”, performed by male vocals group, Sweet Sorrow, for the soundtrack of 2006 television series, “Alone in Love”. This ballad track was released as a single on May 4th 2006, and later on May 8th 2006 was released as a part of the album “Alone in Love OST”. “No Matter How I Think About It (아무리 생각해도 난 너를)” was written and composed by Noh Young Shim and was arranged by Woo Hyung Yoon. Lyrically, it depicts the main characters couple portrayed by Son Ye Jin and Kam Woo Sung, as it follows the story of an ex-married couple that apparently cannot let go of each other though they got separated because of a great traumatic incident in their marriage life. Through a series of events in their divorced life, they find out that they belong to be together in the end. I really love the vocals harmonization of In Ho Jin, Song Woo Jin, Kim Young Woo, and Sung Jin Hwan in this sweet-sorrow ballad. It reminds me that, no matter how we think about it, there is always a person in whom our soul always tends to go back to; it is the person in which we feel as home.


"Alone in Love OST" album cover | source: soompi.com

There are things that we cannot just deny, no matter how hard we try to. There are things that no matter how we think about it, we cannot just figure out why we feel that way. There are things that no matter how hard we try to forget, we cannot just forget. There are things that no matter how hard we try to turn our back away from, we cannot just do that. And to be honest, for me personally, that one particular thing is this love I have for my significant other. Even until the point that it hurts me so much, I just cannot throw it all away, no matter how I think about it. Even to the point that it makes me feel lonely in this fight for love; I just cannot neglect it, no matter how I think about it. Even if he just smiles and says nothing, I just cannot give it up just like that, no matter how I think about it. “No matter how I think about it, though I close my eyes like I’ve forgotten , though I turn away like I don’t, if I just be a little more honest, I’m in, to the point that it hurts this much, to the point that I look at you with these lonely eyes, but you just smiled.”
There are things that we cannot just ignore, no matter how hard we try to. There is always certain person for everyone that they cannot just let go, no matter how many times they have to be separated. There is always certain person for everyone that they will return to, no matter how many times they’ve been apart before. There is always certain person for everyone that will be their reality, no matter how they’ve been told that it’s just a dream. There is always certain person for everyone that they can always come back to, no matter how they’ve been told that it’s really over. And to bravely acknowledge it, for me personally, that person is my significant other. Even until the point that it hurts me so much, I just cannot let it slip through my hands, no matter how I think about it. Even it brings me to tears like this; I just cannot wave the white flag and surrender to the situation, no matter how I think about it. “No matter how we go our separate ways, though we split up day after day, though you’ve told me it’s just a dream, though you’ve told me it’s really over, if I can just be brave this one time, I'm in, to the point that you’ve hurt me this much, so much it brings me to tears like this, I couldn’t bring myself to come near you and hug you again.”
Even though I cannot come near him this time, I just cannot let it end just like this. Even though I cannot give him a warm hug at this moment, I just cannot give it up just like this. Even if I can only long for him from a far, even if I can only send my prayer for him from a distant, I could love him even more. Even if I can only watch over him from a far, even if I can only think of him from a distant, I would not be able to leave him. “If I stay like this any longer, if I remain like this, I think I’ll love you even more. If I stay like this any longer, if I keep looking at you like this, I just won’t be able to leave you.” Even if I can only shed a tear for him from a far, even if I can only hope for him from a distant, I could reach him. Even if I can only stay like this longer, even if I can only miss him, even if I can only hang around like this, I will love him more in every second of my breath. “If I keep hanging around like this, if I keep shedding tears like this, I think I’ll love you even more. If I stay like this any longer, if I keep looking at you like this, I think I might just reach you.”


"Alone in Love" drama stills | source: sbs.co,kr

“I whisper it over my narrow shoulder; so much it always gives me strength, like mild sunbeams drawing you near again and wrapping arms around you.” There is always a person for everyone that can always give them strength to walk on the rough path, in the way that cannot be explained. There is always a person for everyone that can always draw them near again even when they are far apart, in the way that cannot be described. And for me, that person is my significant other. No matter how I think about it over and over again, the answer is always him. No matter how I think about it over and over again, every way leads me to him. No matter how I think about it over and over again, he is my one and only that I cannot just let go. No matter how I think about it over and over again, this love for him is the one that I cannot just give up away. No matter how I think about it over and over again, us is the one that I want to keep fighting for. No matter how I think about it over and over again, he is the one that I need, because he is the one that I love, and he is the one that I could love no matter how hard it was, how rough it is, and how painful it will be.

“If I keep hanging around like this, if I keep shedding tears like this, I think I’ll love you even more. If I stay like this any longer, if I keep looking at you like this, I think I might just reach you.” –Sweet Sorrow, No Matter How I Think About It (아무리 생각해도 난 너를)




아무리 생각해도 난 너를 아무리 생각해도 난 너를
(Amuri saenggakhaedo nan neoreul amuri saenggakhaedo nan neoreul)
((No matter how I think about it, no matter how I think about it))
잊은듯 눈감아도 난 너를 아닌듯 돌아서도 난 너를
(Ijeundeut nungamado nan neoreul anindeut doraseodo nan neoreul)
((Though I close my eyes like I’ve forgotten, though I turn away like I don’t))
조금만 솔직해도 난 너를 그렇게 아파하도록 너를
(Jogeumman soljikhaejweo na neoreul geureohke apahadorok neoreul)
((If I just be a little more honest, I’m in, to the point that it hurts this much))
이렇게 바라보도록 쓸쓸한 눈으로 다만 웃고만 있었지
(Ireohke barabodorok sseulsseulhan nuneuro daman utgoman isseotji)
((To the point that I look at you with these lonely eyes, but you just smiled))

아무리 헤어져도 난 너를 매일 또 이별해도 난 너를
(Amuri heeojyeodo nan neoreul nae il tto ibyeolhaedo nan neoreul)
((No matter how we go our separate ways, though we split up day after day))
이미 넌 꿈이래도 난 너를 정말로 끝이래도 난 너를
(Imi neon kkumiraedo nan neoreul jongmalo kkeuchiraedo nan neoreul)
((Though you’ve told me it’s just a dream, though you’ve told me it’s really over))
한번만 용기내도 난 너를 그렇게 아파하도록 너를
(Hanbeonman yonggi naedo nan neoreul geureohke apahadorok neoreul)
((If I can just be brave this one time, I'm in, to the point that you’ve hurt me this much))
이렇게 눈물짓도록 다시는 다가가 차마 안을 수 없었지
(Ireohke nunmul jitdorok dashigeum dagaga chama aneul su eopseotji)
((So much it brings me to tears like this, I couldn’t bring myself to come near you and hug you again))

나 이대로 더 있으면 이대로 머무르면 너를 더 사랑할 것 같아
(Na idaero deo isseumyeon idaero meomureomyeon neoreul deo saranghal geot gata)
((If I stay like this any longer, if I remain like this, I think I’ll love you even more))
나 이대로 더 있으면 이대로 바라보면 떠날 수 없을것만 같아
(Na idaero deo isseumyeon idaero barabomyeon tto nal su eopseul geotman gata)
((If I stay like this any longer, if I keep looking at you like this, I just won’t be able to leave you))

내작은 어깨 위로 나 너를 언제나 힘이 되도록 너를
(Nae jageun eokkaewiro na neoreul eonjena himi dwedorok neoreul)
((I whisper it over my narrow shoulder, so much it always gives me strength))
따스한 햇살처럼 나 다시 또 다가가 감싸
(Ttaseuhan haetsal cheoreom nan dashi tto dagaga gamssa)
((Like mild sunbeams drawing you near again and wrapping arms around you))

나 이대로 서성이면 이대로 눈물지면 너를 더 사랑할것같아
(Nan idaero seoseongimyeon idaero nunmuljieumyeon neoreul deo saranghal geot gata)
((If I keep hanging around like this, if I keep shedding tears like this, I think I’ll love you even more))
나 이대로 더 있으면 이대로 바라보면 너를 붙잡을 것만 같아
(Nan idaero deo isseumyeon idaero barabomyeon neoreul butjanbeul geotman gata)
((If I stay like this any longer, if I keep looking at you like this, I think I might just reach you))

아무리 생각해도 난 너를 아무리 생각해도 난 너를
(Amuri saenggakhaedo nan neoreul amuri saenggakhaedo nan neoreul)
((No matter how I think about it, no matter how I think about it))
아무리 헤어져도 난 너를 매일 또 이별해도 난 너를
(Amuri heeojyeodo nan neoreul naeil tto ibyeolhaedo nan neoreul)
((No matter how we go our separate ways, though we split up day after day))
잊은듯 눈감아도 난 너를 아닌 듯 돌아서도 난 너를
(Ijeundeut nungamado nan neoreul anindeut doraseodo nan neoreul)
((Though I close my eyes like I’ve forgotten, though I turn away like I don’t))
이미 넌 꿈이래 난 너를 정말로 끝이래도 난 너를
(Imineon kkeumiraedo nan neoreul jeongmallo kkeuchiraedo nan neoreul)
((Though you’ve told me it’s just a dream, though you’ve told me it’s really over))
Wrote by Mashita Fandia
Newer Posts Older Posts Home

About Me

About Me
29 | music | movies | cultural studies

Featured post

Out of the Woods

Let’s analogizing a (romance) relationship as a tropical forest, with all of its maze of trees, wild animals, and dangerous gorges; t...


TSOGM - a fiction

TSOGM - a fiction
Click on the picture to read the stories. Enjoy! ;)
Powered by Blogger.

Blog Archive

  • ►  2020 (8)
    • ►  March (4)
    • ►  February (4)
  • ►  2019 (3)
    • ►  September (2)
    • ►  June (1)
  • ►  2018 (199)
    • ►  November (21)
    • ►  October (18)
    • ►  September (19)
    • ►  August (18)
    • ►  July (17)
    • ►  June (17)
    • ►  May (20)
    • ►  April (17)
    • ►  March (19)
    • ►  February (15)
    • ►  January (18)
  • ▼  2017 (223)
    • ►  December (18)
    • ►  November (23)
    • ►  October (18)
    • ▼  September (18)
      • Tentang Relasi Jarak Jauh: Untuk Perempuan Itu
      • I Need You
      • A Poem That Doesn't Sound Hypocrite
      • Rain of Questions
      • No Matter How I Think About It
      • Tentang Relasi Jarak Jauh: Hilang
      • Nobody's Home
      • Edge of Sanity
      • Out of Reach
      • Ruined
      • A Letter from Home I
      • When the Wind Blows
      • In Hopes
      • If You're Gone
      • I Don't Wanna Live Forever
      • Sampai Nanti
      • Janji Terucap
      • Menujumu
    • ►  August (23)
    • ►  July (17)
    • ►  June (17)
    • ►  May (17)
    • ►  April (23)
    • ►  March (17)
    • ►  February (15)
    • ►  January (17)
  • ►  2016 (38)
    • ►  December (16)
    • ►  November (6)
    • ►  October (1)
    • ►  September (1)
    • ►  August (1)
    • ►  July (5)
    • ►  June (1)
    • ►  May (1)
    • ►  April (1)
    • ►  March (5)
  • ►  2015 (189)
    • ►  November (14)
    • ►  October (20)
    • ►  September (17)
    • ►  August (17)
    • ►  July (18)
    • ►  June (18)
    • ►  May (17)
    • ►  April (17)
    • ►  March (19)
    • ►  February (16)
    • ►  January (16)
  • ►  2014 (199)
    • ►  December (16)
    • ►  November (18)
    • ►  October (18)
    • ►  September (16)
    • ►  August (16)
    • ►  July (17)
    • ►  June (16)
    • ►  May (17)
    • ►  April (16)
    • ►  March (17)
    • ►  February (15)
    • ►  January (17)
  • ►  2013 (195)
    • ►  December (16)
    • ►  November (15)
    • ►  October (17)
    • ►  September (15)
    • ►  August (16)
    • ►  July (17)
    • ►  June (18)
    • ►  May (16)
    • ►  April (16)
    • ►  March (16)
    • ►  February (17)
    • ►  January (16)
  • ►  2012 (215)
    • ►  December (18)
    • ►  November (20)
    • ►  October (17)
    • ►  September (18)
    • ►  August (16)
    • ►  July (18)
    • ►  June (18)
    • ►  May (19)
    • ►  April (17)
    • ►  March (20)
    • ►  February (18)
    • ►  January (16)
  • ►  2011 (18)
    • ►  December (13)
    • ►  November (5)

FOLLOW US @ INSTAGRAM

Copyright © 2016 pieces of me. Designed by OddThemes & Blogger Templates