(It's Not) Fine

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Breaking up is excruciating, isn’t it? No, it is not the breakup that makes it excruciating; it is the fact that we have to face a sudden change in life, instead. Whether we are breaking up or not, a sudden change is excruciating. We have to deal with the emptiness left by someone who used to be there. We have to deal with the longing feeling caused by the absence of someone who used to be beside us. We have to make some new routines all by ourselves, while we used to have someone with us in our old routines. Being separated from our significant other is excruciating. And what more excruciating is the fact that we cannot just replace that person with some random other person. At least, it does not work that way for me. And something else that makes it more excruciating is the fact that we have to act like we are fine in front of other people around us; when actually we are not fine at all. Days go by like it has always been. We deal with works and other daily activities as if nothing has changed. However, things have changed. And it’s excruciating. We’re not fine.

“When one day, one month, one year passes, though you said you’d probably smile and reminisce, it isn’t like that for me. It won’t be easy for me; you still fill up my every day as always. It is not yet now; I keep telling myself like a fool. I can’t swallow the words that linger in my mouth. It’s not fine.” –Taeyeon, Fine

This song resembles my current feeling and mood very well. It is titled “Fine”, performed by Kim Taeyeon, the leader and lead vocal of Korean front-runner girl group, Girls’ Generation. The alternative pop track was released on February 28th 2017 as the lead single taken from the singer’s first solo studio album, “My Voice”. The album was released simultaneously on the same date of the single. “Fine” was written by Jin Ri, with composition by Michael Woods, Kevin White, Andrew Bazzi, Shaylen Carroll, and MZMC; and arrangement by Rice n’ Peas. Lyrically, this song talks about reminiscing the past relationship and the hardships of dealing with post-breakup syndrome. Actually, what really got me is not the song entirely, but rather the music video instead. It was premiered on Mnet on February 27th 2017. The music video depicts the excruciating feeling of a separation very well; how we are losing someone we hold most dear from our daily life and how we are missing them so much and how their presence is still lingering. The highlight part is when Taeyeon breaking down crying in the middle of doing some photoshoot. It reminds me of myself when there are times I break down and cry out of nowhere in the middle of doing my daily activity.
"My Voice" album cover | source: genius.com

After the separation, there are things we do in order to help us to get the excruciating feeling off of our system. Some people find it in the way they get themselves working so hard. Some other find it in moving their body by simple thing like cleaning their room. Some find it in doing anything that they can. We do everything just to make our mind busy and distract us. As for me, I write a lot. “On a ripped piece of paper, I write down how I really feel. And it gets clear; something ‘bout you. You and I are similar but different; do you feel the same way? I can’t help but getting my hopes up. When one day, one month, one year passes, will we be living different lives?” However, those things only last temporary. In the end, those thoughts always come back. No matter how much time has passed, we do not seem to live different life; it’s all the same. “With my hair tightly tied up, I’m cleaning up my messy room; I’m looking for something new. Sometimes, I get this overwhelming feeling of having to do something, so I just move around for no reason.”
No matter how much time will pass, we do not seem to see the end of it. That is just how excruciating it is. Even it is one day or one month or even one year; it seems that there is no enough amount of time that could make it alright again. That person may will be having a different life by then, but that is just not like that for us. That person may will reminisce all the memories while smiling by then, but that is just like that for us. That person may have it easy, but it is not easy at all for us. It all still lingers. Our days are haunted. That person is everywhere for us. We are not fine. “When one day, one month, one year passes, though you said you’d probably smile and reminisce, it isn’t like that for me. It won’t be easy for me; you still fill up my every day as always. It is not yet now; I keep telling myself like a fool. I can’t swallow the words that linger in my mouth. It’s not fine.” It all seems so unfair for us. We are tormented by those memories and we know that we will always be. We are holding onto those moments and we know that we will always do.
Yet we are forced to live our every day acting normal as if nothing has happened. We may be able to joke around and have daily conversation as usual with other people. And we may look like we are just fine in front of them. However, we cannot lie to ourselves that we are not fine. Amidst those jokes and conversations, we keep thinking about the separation. “Between the meaningless jokes, back-and-forth conversations, and all other people around, it looks like that I’m fine. I just pretend to be numb and I try to smile. Though I try to turn around from your shadow, I keep thinking about our last moment; the words ‘take care’ were it for our plain breakup. It is not yet now, I keep telling myself like a fool. I can’t swallow the words that linger in my mouth. It’s not fine.” We force fake smiles and we act as normal as we can, but it is all meaningless. Our soul is just not there. Our mind is busy telling ourselves that it is not yet over; like a fool. This is not fine and we cannot deny it. In the middle of trying hard living the daily routines, we break down and cry.
"My Voice" album jacket photo | source: genius.com

Being separated from our significant other is tearing us apart. It is so stressful and we become so depressed. Nobody is there anymore when we wake up in the morning. No one is there anymore for us to make two cups of plain hot tea. There is only one toothbrush in the bathroom where there used to be two of them. We go to work by ourselves when there used to be someone we’re nagging at for taking so slow and we’re already late for work. In the evening, we come back alone to an empty house. We make dinner by ourselves when there used to be someone we cook for. Nobody is there anymore to have some meals together. No one is there anymore hold us to sleep at night. There is a large space on the bed where there used to be cramped for two bodies. The worst part is we begin to talk to ourselves more because there is nobody there to talk to anymore; even just a simple talk and joke. We smile alone, laugh alone, and cry alone. We may have the same daily routines yet a very big thing has changed. And it is not fine.

“Between the meaningless jokes, back-and-forth conversations, and all other people around, it looks like that I’m fine. I just pretend to be numb and I try to smile. Though I try to turn around from your shadow, I keep thinking about our last moment; the words ‘take care’ were it for our plain breakup. It is not yet now, I keep telling myself like a fool. I can’t swallow the words that linger in my mouth. It’s not fine.” –Taeyeon, Fine




찢어진 종잇조각에 담아낸 나의 진심에 선명해져 something ‘bout you
(Jjijeojin jongitjogage damanaen naye jinshime seonmyeonghaejyeo, something ‘bout you)
((On a ripped piece of paper, I write down how I really feel, and it gets clear, something ‘bout you))
Yeah 나를 많이 닮은 듯 다른 넌 혹시 나와 같을까 지금 괜한 기대를 해
(Yeah nareul manhi dalmeun deut dareun neon hokshi nawa gateulkka jigeum gwaenhan gidaereul hae
((Yeah, you and I are similar but different, do you feel the same way? I can’t help but getting my hopes up))
하루 한 달 일 년쯤 되면 서로 다른 일상을 살아가
(Haru han dal il nyeonjeum doemyeon seoro dareun ilsangeul saraga
((When one day, one month, one year passes, will we be living different lives?))

나는 아니야 쉽지 않을 것 같아 여전하게도 넌 내 하루하루를 채우고
(Naneun aniya swibji aneul geot gata yeojeonhagedo neon nae haruharureul chaeugo
((It isn’t like that for me, it won’t be easy for me, you still fill up my every day as always))
아직은 아니야 바보처럼 되뇌는 나 입가에 맴도는 말을 삼킬 수 없어
(Ajigeun aniya babocheoreom doenoeneun na ipgae maemdoneun mareul samkil su eopseo
((It is not yet now, I keep telling myself like a fool, I can’t swallow the words that linger in my mouth))
It’s not fine, ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah, it’s not fine

머릴 질끈 묶은 채 어지러운 방을 정리해 찾고 있어 something new
(Meoril jikkeun mukkeun chae eojireoun bangeul jeongnihae chatgo isseo something new)
((With my hair tightly tied up, I’m cleaning up my messy room, I’m looking for something new))
가끔 이렇게 감당할 수 없는 뭐라도 해야 할 것만 같은 기분에 괜히 움직이곤 해
(Gakkeum ireoke gamdanghal su eopneun mworado haeya hal geotman gateun gibune gwaenhi umjigigon hae
((Sometimes, I get this overwhelming feeling of having to do something, so I just move around for no reason))
하루 한 달 일 년 그쯤이면 웃으며 추억할 거라 했지만
(Haru han dal il nyeon geujjeumimyeon useumyeo chueokhal geora haetjiman
((When one day, one month, one year passes, though you said you’d probably smile and reminisce))

나는 아니야 쉽지 않을 것 같아 여전하게도 넌 내 하루하루를 채우고
Naneun aniya swibji aneul geot gata yeojeonhagedo neon nae haruharureul chaeugo
((It isn’t like that for me, it won’t be easy for me, you still fill up my every day as always))
아직은 아니야 바보처럼 되뇌는 나 입가에 맴도는 말을 삼킬 수 없어
Ajigeun aniya babocheoreom doenoeneun na ipgae maemdoneun mareul samkil su eopseo
((It is not yet now, I keep telling myself like a fool, I can’t swallow the words that linger in my mouth))
It’s not fine, ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah, it’s not fine

의미 없는 농담 주고받는 대화 사람들 틈에 난 아무렇지 않아 보여
(Uimi eopneun nongdam jugobadneun daehwa saramdeul teume nan amureochi ana boyeo)
((Between the meaningless jokes, back-and-forth conversations, and all other people around, it looks like that I’m fine))
무딘 척 웃음을 지어 보이며 너란 그늘을 애써 외면해보지만
(Mudin cheok useumeul jieo boimyeo neoran geuneureul aesseo oemyeonhaebojiman)
((I just pretend to be numb and I try to smile, though I try to turn around from your shadow))

우리 마지막 그 순간이 자꾸 떠올라 잘 지내란 말이 전부였던 담담한 이별
(Uri majimak geu sungani jakku tteoolla jal jinaeran mari jeonbuyeotdeon damdamhan ibyeol)
((I keep thinking about our last moment, the words “take care” were it for our plain breakup))
아직은 아니야 바보처럼 되뇌는 그 말 입가에 맴도는 말을 삼킬 수 없어
(Ajigeun aniya babocheoreom doenoeneun geu mal ipgae maemdoneun mareul samkil su eopseo)
((It is not yet now, I keep telling myself like a fool, I can’t swallow the words that linger in my mouth))
It’s not fine, ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah, it’s not fine, oh, ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah, it’s not fine

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