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pieces of me



I often ask people, especially friends of mine, when they decide to get married, how they know that the person they are getting married to are the one. Some of them tell me some reasons, rational ones, which make me wonder whether love can be measured rationally. Well, for this is marriage we are talking about, so I try to understand that it is indeed needed to be measured rationally. However, it is a different thing when I ask about love; how they know that the person they choose is the one they love. Most of them tell me that they just know it. Well, that kind of answer often does not satisfy me. However, now I do believe that that kind of feeling does exist. We know it just when we know it. Love is indeed an irrational thing. Most of the times, we just cannot find the explanation why we feel that way towards certain person. And why we just cannot feel the exact same way towards other people. I used to be a skeptical and cynical person when it comes to love. On the other hand, I know that deep inside of me, I still have this belief; a hope, for love.

“When you know that you know who you love, you can’t deny it or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don’t buy it. When it’s clear this time you’ve found the one, you’ll never let him go, ‘cause you know and you know that you know.” –Shawn Colvin, When You Know

There is this one of my favorite romance comedy movies titled “Serendipity”. And this is one of the movie’s soundtracks that I cherish the most titled “When You Know”, performed by American singer-songwriter, Shawn Colvin. She lend her beautiful voice for the movie soundtrack, in which album was released on October 5th 2001. The folk ballad track was composed by Jeff Franzel and Tom Kimmel. Lyrically, “When You Know” speaks about the belief and hope that people have when they have found their one and true love. It encourages people to not give up when they know that they have found the one. No matter how hard it is, giving up is not the way out. Instead, we have to hold on to it and never let it go. For we know that it is the one.


"Serendipity (Music from the Miramax Motion Picture)" soundtrack album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org 

People say that life is full of surprises. We can never guessed when we will fall in love and with whom we fall in love. They say that we will know it when we know. It’s a matter of feeling. And when it comes to us, we cannot deny what we feel. When it comes to us, we cannot undo the feeling we already feel. When it comes to us, we cannot just go back to when we haven’t felt it. When it comes, we cannot just give the feeling up. When it comes, we cannot just pretend that it isn’t there. And this is what I feel right now. “When you know that you know who you love, you can’t deny it or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don’t buy it. When it’s clear this time you’ve found the one, you’ll never let him go, ‘cause you know and you know that you know.” I just know. And though I might be wrong, this time I just know that I’ve found my one and only. And though it might be hard, this time I just won’t ever let it go; not anymore. It is because I have this belief that what I feel is real. And I know it. I know that it is real. And I won’t give it up away.
People say that love is unpredictable. We can never guess how deep and how great the love we have when we finally have it. They say that we will know it when we know. It’s a matter of feeling. And when we feel it, we can feel it through our skin till our bones. When we feel it, we can feel it in our hearts. When we feel it, we can feel that there is this kind of rush inside us that makes us cannot wait till tomorrow. When we feel it, we can feel that there no doubt anymore regarding to the feeling we have. And this is what I feel right now. “When you feel in your skin in your bones and the hollow of your heart, there’s no way you can wait till tomorrow. When there isn’t any doubt about it once you come this close, ‘cause you know and you know that you know.” I just know. I’ve come this close. And this is the closest thing to love, if only we can define what love is. And I just know it, because I can feel it. And there is no doubt about this feeling. “You can feel love surround you like the sky around the moon. This is how love has found you, now you know what to do.”
Now I know whom I love. Hence now I know whom I need. We need because we love. And this is what I feel right now. I just know it. I can neither deny nor pretend that I don’t feel it, because I know I feel it. I can neither undo this feeling nor go back to the time when I didn’t feel it. I cannot just give this feeling up. For me, it is clear that I have found my one this time. Hence I will never let it go, because I know it. “When you know that you know who you need, you can’t deny it or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don’t buy it. When it’s clear this time you’ve found the one, you’ll never let him go, ‘cause you know and you know that you know.” Hence I know that it is time for me to come in from the cold. For I know that this is the warmth of love that I’ve been searching for. And I just know it. “And it’s time you come in from the cold. And you know that you know.” And this is just what love can do to people. It makes them know. It makes us understand how it feels. It makes us realize what love is. We only need to open up our heart to it.

One of my favorite scene from "Serendipity" movie.

When love has found us, we would feel this heartwarming feeling inside. It’s sipping through our skin through our bones till it reaches our heart. When love has found us, we would be able to feel it surround us; wrapping us in a blanket of warmth. And that is when we know what to do about the feeling. We won’t deny it anymore. We won’t be able to pretend anymore. We won’t give it up anymore. We won’t be able to go back anymore. When we understand what we feel, we won’t let it go anymore. When we understand that we have found it, we won’t ever let it go anymore. When we finally have no doubt about it, we won’t be able to let it go anymore. No matter how rough the path ahead, no matter how windy the road I have to walk on, no matter how harsh the life I have to live in, no matter how long the time will take, no matter how far the distance I have to go, I will do it all through the way with all my heart, sincerely. For I know that this feeling I have is real and true. For I know that I just know. For I have this faith and hope that I do really know.

“You can feel love surround you like the sky around the moon. This is how love has found you, now you know what to do.” –Shawn Colvin, When You Know



When you know that you know who you love, you can’t deny it
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don’t buy it
When it’s clear this time you’ve found the one, you’ll never let him go
‘Cause you know and you know that you know

When you feel in your skin in your bones and the hollow
Of your heart, there’s no way you can wait till tomorrow
When there isn’t any doubt about it once you come this close
‘Cause you know and you know that you know

You can feel love surround you like the sky around the moon
This is how love has found you, now you know what to do

When you know that you know who you need, you can’t deny it
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don’t buy it
When it’s clear this time you’ve found the one, you’ll never let him go
‘Cause you know and you know that you know
And it’s time you come in from the cold
And you know that you know
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


In this life, as our surrounding is constantly changing, our identity is constantly changing according to our surrounding too. Hence it is alright if there are times when we feel anxious about our identity and wonder: who am I? What is my purpose in life? What is the meaning of my existence in this universe? It is fine too when we do not get the answer right at the time. For that is the essence of life anyway; we live while trying to discover the answer. Life is a process. And I have lived long enough to understand that nothing lasts forever. There is nothing permanent in life but the constant changing. And by that, we are able to evolve. Life is a process of a constant adjustment. People come and go in life. And we live in a constant adjustment, including the adjustment towards the emptiness that is left by those people who leave us along the way. I deal with that kind of adjustment every day. Indeed, it is hard to go by. And yet, nobody said it was easy. However, I do have faith that it’s all worth it; it’s the process that I have to grow through. This way I learn.

“I’ve never felt this way before; everything that I do reminds me of you. And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor, and they smell just like you; I love the things that you do. When you walk away I count the steps that you take. Do you see how much I need you right now?” –Avril Lavigne, When You’re Gone

The song I would like to write about this time is titled “When You’re Gone”, performed by Canadian singer-songwriter, Avril Lavigne. It was released on June 19th 2007 as the second single taken from the singer’s third studio album, “The Best Damn Thing”. The power ballad track was written by Lavigne herself along with Butch Walker and Jesse Welch. Lavigne has said the song “is about being with someone you love, and you have to say goodbye, and all the little things you miss about them”. Apparently, it really resonates with my current feeling. And there is no more to say about this but that I do really miss all the little things about my significant other and us.


"When You're Gone" single cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

It’s funny somehow; how someone’s presence can affect so much in our life. I used to be alright with loneliness. I used to do it all by myself, and I used to be okay with that. But then, one day someone came and everything just changed since then. I got used to have someone beside me. I got used to have someone to rely on and help me get through the day. Before him, I used to cry all alone. But then, I got used to have him around to cry on. “I always needed time on my own, I never thought I’d need you there when I cry. And the days feel like years when I’m alone, and the bed where you lie is made up on your side.” Before him, I used to sleep on my own. But then, I got used to have him by my side to sleep with. Before him, my routines used to pass by just like that. But then, I got used to do my routines with his presence around me. I got used to the every bit of him. And it lingers. “I’ve never felt this way before, everything that I do reminds me of you. And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor, and they smell just like you, I love the things that you do.”
It’s funny somehow; that we are able to understand the value of someone’s presence because of their absence. After he left, I forgot how to sleep on my own, for I used to have him by my side to sleep with. After he left, I forgot how to cry all alone, for I used to have him around to cry on. After he left, I forgot how to do things all by myself, for I used to have him with me to get through it all. And that’s when I realize that I need him to rely on. “When you walk away I count the steps that you take, do you see how much I need you right now?” After he left, I count the days until the time when I can meet him again. I long for him with all of my mind and body. After he left, I get through the days by words from him. I long for his voice in every single day. I long for him with every single pieces of me. “When you’re gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you. When you’re gone, the face I came to know is missing too. When you’re gone, the words I need to hear to always get me through the day, and make it okay, I miss you.”
It’s funny somehow; that even we are far away from our significant other, we can always feel their presence lingering around us. In every single thing that I do, I can feel him with me in the back of my head. It feels like he goes through what I go through. It feels like he can always hear what I say and think. It feels like he is always inside of my mind. And that’s when I know that we belong together. For all the times we have spent together, for all the moments we have shared together, we belong to each other. “We were made for each other, out here forever, I know we were. All I ever wanted was for you to know, everything I do, I give my heart and soul. I can hardly breathe; I need to feel you here with me.” And there is a pray in everything that I do; a pray that leads me to him, that one day we can be together again and no distance will ever bring us apart. It’s a pray that I will never tired to whisper; a sincere pray from deep inside. And tonight, just like the other night after he left, I miss him. I want him. And I need him more than anything else in this universe.


"The Best Damn Thing" album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

In these past three months, I live in the process of adjustment for the emptiness caused by the absence of my significant other. And it’s been the hardest challenge I’ve ever faced in these past few years. There are times when I got caught up in the depressive state of mind. I could smell his scent that is lingered on the clothes he left just to keep my sanity. I could stare at his photographs for hours just to keep me alive. His text is the thing that makes me want to get up every morning. His phonecall is the thing I want to get every night. His voice is my only healing. Without it all, I’m crumbling down and losing the grip of my reality. However, I know that no matter how painful the process I have to go through, this is the way I will grow through. This is the way we will grow through as us. For it is “I and him” we are talking about, we can always define and redefine us in the process. For we are living in a constant adjustment towards the constant changing in life, everything is going to be alright again eventually. And nobody said it was easy.

“We were made for each other, out here forever; I know we were. All I ever wanted was for you to know, everything I do, I give my heart and soul. I can hardly breathe; I need to feel you here with me.” –Avril Lavigne, When You’re Gone




I always needed time on my own, I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone, and the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take, do you see how much I need you right now?

When you’re gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone, the face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone, the words I need to hear to always get me through the day, and make it okay, I miss you

I’ve never felt this way before, everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor, and they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take, do you see how much I need you right now?

When you’re gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone, the face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone, the words I need to hear to always get me through the day, and make it okay, I miss you

We were made for each other, out here forever, I know we were, yeah, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know, everything I do, I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you’re gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone, the face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone, the words I need to hear to always get me through the day, and make it okay, I miss you
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


There is no hierarchy in pain. I know. Everyone suffers all the same in the world of love and relationship. However, when it comes to heartache, we can always talk better about our own pain instead of somebody else’s or our partner’s. That is because we experience that pain all by ourselves. And in a relationship, love is never reciprocal. Everyone has their own way to define what love is and to love their significant other. Hence love will never be reciprocal in a relationship, because it engages two people in it. Therefore, pain and heartache is inevitable in a romance relationship. I always think that people who cannot love themselves properly are not able to love their significant other properly too. However, there is this dialectical debate between I and myself about how to love ourselves properly. If in the process of loving ourselves properly we accidentally hurt our partner, then is it what love truly is? My answer is no. Loving ourselves is one thing, but loving ourselves in the context of being in a relationship is another thing.

“And I never like to admit that I was wrong. And I’ve been so caught up in my job; didn’t see what's going on. But now I know, I’m better sleeping on my own.” –Justin Bieber, Love Yourself

This time I’m in the mood of writing about this song titled “Love Yourself”, performed by Canadian singer Justin Bieber. It was released on November 9th 2015 as a promotional as well as the third single taken from the singer’s fourth studio album, “Purpose”. The acoustic pop track was written by Bieber himself along with Ed Sheeran and Benny Blanco. Lyrically, as stated by the Wikipedia, the song is a kiss-off to a narcissistic ex-lover who did the protagonist wrong. I don’t know why, I feel sad whenever I listen to this song though it speaks in a spiteful tone and manner. In my perspective, these words can only come out from someone who is getting hurt deeply. It’s the kind of pain that is unimaginably unbearable and indescribable.


"Love Yourself" single cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

There is time when we come to a realization that in the relationship we have with our significant other, there are times when we are taken for granted. We may have not realized it from the beginning because we tend to do it all sincerely. And that is what love means for me personally; we are willing to do anything for the sake of our significant other, sincerely. We tend to tolerate everything that they do even though it hurts us badly. And we tend to forgive anything even though it breaks our heart in pieces. “For all the times that you rain on my parade, and all the clubs you get in using my name. You think you broke my heart, oh, girl for goodness’ sake, you think I’m crying on my own, well, I ain’t.” However, when we have come to the realization that we are only taken for granted, that is when we begin to see things differently. “And when you told me that you hated my friends, the only problem was with you and not them. And every time you told me my opinion was wrong, and tried to make me forget where I came from.”
Love is indeed selfish and egocentric. However, being in a relationship means we are willing to learn about how to turn the selfishness and egocentric feeling into sincerity, since we have to widen our perspective in order to be able to understand our partner. We automatically become vulnerable in the process. Our walls are breaking down naturally. “For all the times that you made me feel small, I fell in love, now I feel nothing at all. And I never felt so low when I was vulnerable, was I a fool to let you break down my walls?” And when we have opened up ourselves, but apparently it isn’t accepted well by our partner, that is when the pain emerges; because apparently both the effort and the feeling are unrequited. We try hard to be not selfish, yet we don’t get that from our partner. After all, it’s still egocentric. “And I didn’t wanna write a song, ‘cause I didn’t want anyone thinking I still care, I don’t, but you still hit my phone up. And, baby, I be moving on, and I think you should be something I don’t wanna hold back, maybe you should know that.”
When we are in love with our significant other, we tend to see good things only. It is because we love sincerely. No matter what other people might say about it, we tend to not giving much care about it. However, as time passes by, the truth will reveal. And time will show whether our sincerity is being well accepted and appreciated by our significant other or just merely being taken for granted. “My mama don’t like you and she likes everyone, and I never like to admit that I was wrong. And I’ve been so caught up in my job, didn’t see what's going on, but now I know, I’m better sleeping on my own.” And when the time comes when we realize that our sincerity is being taken for granted, we gradually become skeptical and cynical toward everything we once thought was pure. It happens because we are being hurt deeply by the process; because our heart is broken in pieces. “‘Cause if you like the way you look that much, oh, baby, you should go and love yourself. And if you think that I’m still holding on to something, you should go and love yourself.”


"Purpose" album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

In my humble opinion, loving ourselves in the context of being in a relationship means we have to respect and appreciate our significant other in order to respect and appreciate ourselves. It means that every thing we do, every decision we make, and every effort we take should be for the sake of the relationship itself instead of just for the sake of our own selves. (If it’s only for the sake of our own selves then that would be just a selfish and egocentric feeling.) A relationship is crumbling down when one begins to neglect the other without the intention of coming back strong to strengthen the relationship. It is crumbling down when one begins to make their own ego as priority instead of trying to understand the other’s perspective and negotiate every problem in order to redefine the relationship. It takes two to tango. A relationship won’t work if it’s only one of the two that is working on to reflect and contemplate upon their selves. If there is still a little bit of care and williingness to go on, then before it’s too late, it’s important to open up our heart and mind to reflect and contemplate: how do we love?

“For all the times that you made me feel small; I fell in love, now I feel nothing at all. And I never felt so low when I was vulnerable; was I a fool to let you break down my walls?” –Justin Bieber, Love Yourself




For all the times that you rain on my parade, and all the clubs you get in using my name
You think you broke my heart, oh, girl for goodness’ sake, you think I’m crying on my own, well, I ain’t
And I didn’t wanna write a song, ‘cause I didn’t want anyone thinking I still care, I don’t, but you still hit my phone up
And, baby, I be moving on, and I think you should be something I don’t wanna hold back, maybe you should know that

My mama don’t like you and she likes everyone, and I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I’ve been so caught up in my job, didn’t see what's going on, but now I know, I’m better sleeping on my own
‘Cause if you like the way you look that much, oh, baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I’m still holding on to something, you should go and love yourself

And when you told me that you hated my friends, the only problem was with you and not them
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong, and tried to make me forget where I came from
And I didn’t wanna write a song, ‘cause I didn’t want anyone thinking I still care, I don’t, but you still hit my phone up
And, baby, I be moving on, and I think you should be something I don’t wanna hold back, maybe you should know that

My mama don’t like you and she likes everyone, and I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I’ve been so caught up in my job, didn’t see what’s going on, but now I know, I’m better sleeping on my own
‘Cause if you like the way you look that much, oh, baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I’m still holding on to something, you should go and love yourself

For all the times that you made me feel small, I fell in love, now I feel nothing at all
And I never felt so low when I was vulnerable, was I a fool to let you break down my walls?

‘Cause if you like the way you look that much, oh, baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I’m still holding on to something, you should go and love yourself
‘Cause if you like the way you look that much, oh, baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think (you think) that I’m (that I’m) still holding on (holding on) to something
You should go and love yourself
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


Everyone has this kind of beast inside them. It is the one that controls our deepest yet primitive emotions such as rage, anger, resentment, and disappointment. Moreover, it controls our primary instinct as a human being according to Freud: libido. Freud believed that when this libido is being repressed, in some way and to some extent it will twist the mind and turn them into something that our society defines as abnormal. Apparently, Jean-Paul Sartre agreed to it with his views toward sadistic and masochism. (However, I’m not going to talk further about Freud or Sartre. You can read their books or papers. It’s all over the internet.) When this “beast” keeps on being repressed inside of us, it will make hysteria. Hence, in my humble opinion, it is okay to sometimes let the beast out. It is not that I legitimize people for behaving bad. It is that I suggest people to relieve their stress instead. In order to love ourselves, we need to embrace and accept every part of it; even the beast too. For once we are able to love ourselves, and then we can love someone else properly.

“I want it now, give me your heart and your soul. I’m not breaking down, I’m breaking out; last chance to lose control.” –Muse, Hysteria

Whenever I feel depressed, rock songs always work the best for me. And this time I’m in the mood of writing about this song titled “Hysteria”, performed by the English alternative rock band, Muse. It was released on December 1st 2003 as the third single taken from the band’s third studio album, “Absolution”. The alternative hard rock track was written by all members of the band; Matt Bellamy, Chris Wolstenholme, and Dominic Howard. The official accompany music video of “Hysteria” was directed by Matt Kirby and featured actor Justin Theroux. Lyrically, “Hysteria” speaks about self-understanding and self-acceptance; that the Self has this kind of beastly side inside of them that is needed to be unleashed once in a while in order to keep the sanity of the Self. It is related to desire, lust, and obsessive love.


"Hysteria" CD single cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

Obsessive love is indeed dangerous, since most of the time we cannot even differentiate between whether it is really love or just a lust. And if we realize that it turns out to be just a lust, it is alright too. We should not be ashamed to admit it. We are human and it is natural for us to have desire towards someone we are interested with. It is driving us crazy just thinking about having them inside of us. It is bugging us, grating us, and twisting us around just thinking about spending some good time with them. It is caving us in endlessly and turning us inside out in the deepest of desire to be with them. “It’s bugging me, grating me, and twisting me around. Yeah I’m endlessly caving in and turning inside out.” It is like an ecstasy we cannot control. It is like an addictive drug we are always craving for. It is holding us, morphing us, and forcing us to keep on imagining about them. And we won’t feel alive until we got it. “Yeah it’s holding me, morphing me and forcing me to strive to be endlessly cold within and dreaming I'm alive.”
Obsessive love is indeed intoxicating, since most of the time when it is unrequited, it will feel unbearably painful. The worst case scenario is that we can be so abusive towards ourselves. When we cannot get what we want right at the moment when we want it, it would turn the beast into the wild and uncontrollable one. Unleashing the beast does not mean that we are breaking down or cracking apart. On the other hand, unleashing the beast means we are breaking out of the repression in which built by our own selves (most of the time) and the society too. Since we understand that something worse could happen if we don’t unleash the beast and just keep it inside the cage like we always do. This beast demands heart and soul; not to torture them, but to comfort them instead. And all it needs is a chance. “‘Cause I want it now, I want it now, give me your heart and your soul. And I’m breaking out, I’m breaking out; last chance to lose control. I’m not breaking down, I’m breaking out; last chance to lose control.”
Obsessive love will make our heart implodes when it does not go into the proper expression. And even though every time we try to unleash the beast we feel like escaping from reality, it would save us from a more dangerous delusion and illusion. And even though every time we try to let the beast out we feel like our faith is being eroded, it would keep us sane. “And I want you now, I want you now, I’ll feel my heart implode. And I’m breaking out, escaping now, feeling my faith erode.” And when we realize that this obsessive love turns out to be just a lust, it does not mean that it is less meaningful than the pure love itself. Sex is a part of everyone’s life. And in my humble opinion, we cannot have feelings toward someone else without a sexual interest towards that person too. We cannot have a relationship with someone significant without the desire to have sexual experience with that person. And it does not matter whether we are a man or a woman; it’s all the same. Holding it in will only make things worse.


"Hysteria" DVD single cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

A repressed desire will make hysteria inside of us. I feel it so many times. I feel it often. Hence I can say a lot about this kind of thing. There are times when I want it so much yet I cannot get it at the moment, and it is just driving me insane. Sometimes it does not have a thing to do with love at all. Most of the times, I just feel that I need to have it with my significant other. And when I cannot get it, I will be so enrage towards the situation. And it will make me feel so desperate, since I cannot vent out my anger towards something real and physical. There are times when I find myself has this need to let out the beast inside of me; when I want to just break out and lose control. And when I cannot do that, I feel like my heart is going to explode. And I begin to feel cold, lost, empty, and hollow. And it will make me feel so heartbroken and devastatingly sad. That is when I begin to hurt myself in order to make me forget the pain. And it is unhealthy. Hence I understand that I need to unleash my beast once in a while. I’m just a human after all.

“And I want you now, I want you now, I’ll feel my heart implode. And I’m breaking out, escaping now, feeling my faith erode.” –Muse, Hysteria





It’s bugging me, grating me, and twisting me around
Yeah I’m endlessly caving in and turning inside out

‘Cause I want it now, I want it now, give me your heart and your soul
And I’m breaking out, I’m breaking out, last chance to lose control

Yeah it’s holding me, morphing me and forcing me to strive
To be endlessly cold within and dreaming I'm alive

‘Cause I want it now, I want it now, give me your heart and your soul
I’m not breaking down, I’m breaking out, last chance to lose control

And I want you now, I want you now, I’ll feel my heart implode
And I’m breaking out, escaping now, feeling my faith erode
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


Sex is a part of the life. However, (sadly) some society has shaped it into something really taboo to talk about in the public. This (of course) is related to some religion and political issues along the history of the world itself. Sex is then being seen as a private thing that is not suitable to be talked about publicly. However, when the “private” thing is being politicized socially, then that is when it becomes the “public” matters. And the problem lies in whether people are able to open up their mind and free it from the stigma that is saying that sex is taboo thing to talk about. So, why is it important to talk about sex? Sex, as it is a part of human’s life, plays a significant role in the effort of people trying to identify their selves. Sex is a part of self-identity, which makes it important to talk about since identity is a never ending question people ask to themselves. Moreover, when it comes to a relationship that someone builds with somebody else, we cannot exclude sex from it. It is indeed the basic instinct of a human being. And as Freud said, it is the primary ego that drives and affects human’s character and behavior.

“Climb on board, we’ll go slow and high tempo. Light and dark, hold me hard and mellow.” –Zayn, Pillowtalk

Out of all things we have and share together, it is one of those things that my partner and I value the most: the pillow talk. It refers to the deep conversation we have and share after sex. And in the time when I miss him the most, I would like to discuss about this one song titled “Pillowtalk”, performed by Zayn Malik, the former member of One Direction. The alternative R n’ B slow jam was released on January 29th 2016 as the singer’s debut single, following his departure from One Direction in 2015. It served as the lead single released from Zayn’s debut solo studio album, “Mind of Mine”, which was released on March 25th 2016. The singer-songwriter co-wrote the track with Anthony Hannides, Michael Hannides, Joe Garrett, and its producer Levi Lennox. Zayn’s real-life partner, Gigi Hadid, was featured in the official accompany music video of “Pillowtalk”. Lyrically, it uses sex as a literal metaphor for the good times and bad times that a couple has in a relationship. It is about two people against the world with their own odds, yet they don’t mind their neighbor for they know that the relationship is between the two of them and no one could meddle in the middle.


"Pillowtalk" single cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

In a relationship, we do not always have good times. There are always good times and bad times as well. And sex is an over-simplify depiction of a relationship itself. Sometimes we have it soft and slow and all-beautiful. On other times, we have it hard and rough and fast-tempo. Sometimes we are screaming in pleasure, and then we are crying in joy on the other times. Sex brings out the real of us; it frees us from the shackles that have might hold us down forever before. And so does a real relationship. Through the brighter and darker times, we hold on together since we understand that we are genuine only when we are with that person. “Climb on board, we’ll go slow and high tempo. Light and dark, hold me hard and mellow.” Though we argue like enemies, we fight like allies, and that is what makes it worthwhile. Since we know that no matter how ugly it is, we are our genuine self and we are accepted as our genuine self. It’s thrilling yet enchanting; and it’s addictive. “Pillow talk, my enemy, my ally. Prisoners, then we’re free, it’s a thriller.”
In a relationship, we do not always have the pleasure. There are always the pleasure and the pain as well. And sex is an over-simplify depiction of a relationship itself. It brings so much pleasure yet there is some kind of addictive pain we cannot yet fully explain or describe. And though the path is rough and the time is hard, we are keeping it together because we know it is worth it. And we know it is worth it because we have it with our significant other; with that one person who matters the most for us. And there is no one else. And there is only the two of us against the world. “I’m seeing the pain, seeing the pleasure. Nobody but you, ‘body but me, ‘body but us, bodies together. I’d love to hold you close, tonight and always. I’d love to wake up next to you.” Through all of the high emotionally-cost arguments and conversations, in the end of the day, that person is the one we come home to and rest our head. Through all of the emotionally-drained fights, that person is the only one we want to look at first thing in the morning we open our eyes.
In the real relationship where we are becoming and being our genuine self, we strip down our mask and show the ‘real’ us. Like we are stripping down ourselves naked when we have sex, being in the real relationship means we are naked for showing our deepest fear and darkest anxiety towards our significant other. Whether it is tears or laughter, we show it all nonetheless. We are vulnerable in the most possible sincere way a human being can be. And when we feel safe of doing all of it, then that is when we know that it is all worthwhile. “So we’ll piss off the neighbours, in the place that feels the tears, the place to lose your fears. Yeah, reckless behaviour, a place that is so pure, so dirty and raw. Be in the bed all day, fucking in, fighting on. It’s our paradise and it’s our war zone.” It is raw yet pure. It is dirty yet sacred. The sex with our significant other is indeed beyond any sex we have with some random people. The relationship we have and share with our significant other is indeed beyond any other relationship. It is a home we are always craving to come back to.


"Mind of Mine" album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

Most of the times, bad times we have in a relationship is the thing that makes us realize that the relationship is worthwhile after all, because we learn things and we go through experience that brings us closer together with our significant other. On the other hand, good times we have in the relationship is the thing that makes us feel grateful in the end of the day. When we finally have and share a real and true relationship with our significant other, that person becomes a safe haven. And that is when a person becomes a home; a place that feels the tears, a place to lose our fears. It becomes our paradise as well as a war zone. And no matter how rough the battle and how hard the fight is, we feel comfortably go through it all because we are genuine and sincere; because we are becoming and being the Self. And the ‘pillow talk’; pillow talk is where the deepest story is shared between two souls. It goes beyond two bodies entangled perfectly on a bed. It goes beyond two lips locked fiercely in a desire. And real relationship is mostly defined during the time of pillow talk.

“I’m seeing the pain, seeing the pleasure. Nobody but you, ‘body but me, ‘body but us, bodies together. I’d love to hold you close, tonight and always. I’d love to wake up next to you.” –Zayn, Pillowtalk



Climb on board, we’ll go slow and high tempo, light and dark, hold me hard and mellow
I’m seeing the pain, seeing the pleasure, nobody but you, ‘body but me, ‘body but us, bodies together
I’d love to hold you close, tonight and always, I’d love to wake up next to you
I’d love to hold you close, tonight and always, I’d love to wake up next to you

So we’ll piss off the neighbours, in the place that feels the tears, the place to lose your fears
Yeah, reckless behaviour, a place that is so pure, so dirty and raw, be in the bed all day, bed all day, bed all day, fucking in, fighting on
It’s our paradise and it’s our war zone, it’s our paradise and it’s our war zone

Pillow talk, my enemy, my ally, prisoners, then we’re free, it’s a thriller
I’m seeing the pain, seeing the pleasure, nobody but you, ‘body but me, ‘body but us, bodies together
I’d love to hold you close, tonight and always, I’d love to wake up next to you

So we’ll piss off the neighbours, in the place that feels the tears, the place to lose your fears
Yeah, reckless behaviour, a place that is so pure, so dirty and raw, be in the bed all day, bed all day, bed all day, fucking in, fighting on
It’s our paradise and it’s our war zone, it’s our paradise and it’s our war zone
Paradise, paradise, paradise, paradise, war zone, war zone, war zone, war zone
Paradise, paradise, paradise, paradise, war zone, war zone, war zone, war zone

So we’ll piss off the neighbours, in the place that feels the tears, the place to lose your fears
Yeah, reckless behaviour, a place that is so pure, so dirty and raw, be in the bed all day, bed all day, bed all day, fucking in, fighting on
It’s our paradise and it’s our war zone, it’s our paradise and it’s our war zone
Wrote by Mashita Fandia



There is a saying I saw one day on the Instagram, that girls love the boy who hurts them, while boys hurt the girl who love them. Well, though we may find that saying is true sometimes, we better think again. Girls and boys may do that since they are not mature enough to understand how to respect and appreciate themselves. Okay, let’s put aside the discussion about love, since love is hard to understand no matter how old we are or whether we are mature or immature. However, discussing about self-respect is another thing. We may find ourselves falling in love head-over-heels towards someone, but that does not mean we have to degrade ourselves just in order to be loved back by that person. I know it all too well that love means understanding (or at least trying to understand) and accepting (or at least trying to accept) the one we love with their entire package. However, we must not forget that before we are someone’s lover, we are ourselves; an independent human being. And we need and have to respect ourselves before anyone else.

“All those girlfriends you have, that you say are just friends, don’t think of me in the same way as them, I won’t let it ride. From now on, do whatever as you want. I’m going to stop caring, though I did really love you at some point.” –2NE1, I Don’t Care

Today I’m in the mood for writing about this one Korean song titled “I Don’t Care”, performed by once-frontrunner South Korean girl-group, 2NE1. The pop R n’ B track was released on July 1st 2009 and served as the second single released from the group’s eponymous extended play, “2NE1”. The self-titled debut EP was released on July 8th 2009. A reggae remix version of the song was released as a part of 2NE1’s first studio album, “To Anyone”, in 2010. “I Don’t Care” was written by YG Entertainment’s famous songwriter and composer, Teddy Park, along with Kush. An official accompany music video for this song was premiered on June 9th 2009, starring actor Lee Jong Suk as the cheating boyfriend of the group’s member, Sandara Park. Lyrically, “I Don’t Care” is a women-empowerment song that encourages women to take action towards the unpleasant behaviors of their boyfriend regarding to infidelity and lies.


"I Don't Care" single cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

Bad boys are indeed interesting. Somehow they have this kind of appeal that could easily attract us. However, knowing our limit is very important too for our health. “Hey, playboy! It’s about time and your time’s up. I had to do this one for my girls, you know. Sometimes you gotta act like you don’t care. That’s the only way you boys learn.” When there are things that we cannot tolerate anymore, we have to know when to stop. “I cannot ever forgive you for that lipstick mark at the end of your collar. You phone is always turned off every day, it doesn’t seem like you’re going to change. All those girlfriends you have, that you say are just friends, don’t think of me in the same way as them, I won’t let it ride. From now on, do whatever as you want, I’m going to stop caring though I did really love you at some point.” When there are things that we cannot accept, we must know how to stop instead of trying to tolerate while hurting ourselves. “Sometimes, you get drunk and call me at 5:30 in the early morning. Again, you say some other girl’s name, no.”
Bad boys are indeed enchanting. Somehow they have this kind of charm that could easily steal our hearts. However, knowing our limit is very important too for our sanity. When we feel that we cannot take it anymore, then we better know when to stop. “Stealing glances at other girl’s legs, I think you’re so pathetically hopeless. Every day you take off your couple ring, and secretly go on a blind date, I don’t think that I’ll be able to take it anymore. My friends say that you’re not really worth it, though you even try to persuade your wolf-like friends for advice. I’d rather keep it simple and let it go with an easy heart. I’m too good for you, though I believed you were my love.” When we feel that it has crossed the line, then we better know how to stop. When we feel that it has gone too far, then we must know when to stop. When we feel that we have had enough, then we must know how to stop. We need to have our own standpoint. “I tried to call you just in case, because you said you were busy. But as expected, I heard a girl’s laugh in the background, oh no.”
Bad boys are indeed charming and appealing; but it won’t last long as long as they don’t have manners. “I remember the night when I was crying until dawn because of you, boy. I regret every time I think about how my heart had gone too easy for you, boy. I’m too good to throw away yet too boring to have. You should’ve treated me better when we were together, why are you clinging onto me now? I’ve been fooled by your lies for hundreds of times. From today on, I’ll be a bad girl who makes guys cry. Now without a single tear, I’ll laugh at you; you’re the loser inside a game called love. Get on your knees and take me back; if not, just get out of my sight right now.” And heartless woman wasn’t just born that way. Instead, they were born by experience. They’ve been hurt before, they survived, they stand up, and they decide to fight back. “I don’t care, I’ll stop caring about what you’re doing or wherever you’re at, from now on, I don’t want to have interest anymore, just get out of the way. From now on, don’t come and cry to me, and don’t cling on, ‘cause I don’t care.”


"2NE1" EP cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

People say that those who are heartless once cared too much. And I guess it’s true at some point. Being hurt deeply over and over again is indeed making a significant change inside ourselves, whether we realize it or not. No matter how much we understand someone and how we accept them with their entire package, there are certain things that cannot be crossed over. And when that boundary has been crossed, we reach our limits of understanding and acceptance. Because when the boundary is being crossed, that is when we are treated disrespectfully. Love is about understanding and acceptance, but relationship is about respect and appreciation. When the respect and appreciation are being hurt, and there is no sign of effort to fix them, there what is more to hold on in the relationship? We admit that there is love (or at least, there was love), but understanding and acceptance won’t do well without respect and appreciation. The art of letting go is never easy, yet we have to know when to walk away when there’s nothing left to hold onto.

“I regret every time I think about how my heart had gone too easy for you, boy. I’m too good to throw away yet too boring to have. You should’ve treated me better when we were together.” –2NE1, I Don’t Care






Hey, playboy! It’s about time and your time’s up, I had to do this one for my girls, you know
Sometimes you gotta act like you don’t care, that’s the only way you boys learn
니 옷깃에 묻은 립스틱은 나는 절대로 용서못해
(Ni otgise mudeun ripseutigeun naneun jeoldaero yongseomotae)
((I cannot ever forgive you for that lipstick mark at the end of your collar))
매일 하루에 수십번 꺼져있는 핸드폰 변하지 않을것만 같아 oh oh
(Maeil harue susipbeon kkeojyeoinneun haendeupon byeonhaji anheulgeotman gata oh oh)
((You phone is always turned off every day, it doesn’t seem like you’re going to change, oh, oh))
그저 친구라는 수많은 여자친구 날 똑같이 생각하지마 I won’t let it ride
(Geujeo chinguraneun sumanheun yeojachingu nal ttokgachi saenggakhajima I won’t let it fly)
((All those girlfriends you have, that you say are just friends, don’t think of me in the same way as them, I won’t let it fly))
이제 니맘대로해 난 미련을 버릴래 한때 정말 사랑했는데 oh
(Ije nimamdaerohae nan miryeoneul beorillae hanttae jeongmal saranghaenneunde oh)
((From now on, do whatever as you want, I’m going to stop caring though I did really love you at some point))
가끔씩 술에 취해 전활걸어 지금은 새벽 다섯시반
(Gakkeumssik sure chwihae jeonhwalgeoreo jigeumeun saebyeok daseossiban)
((Sometimes, you get drunk and call me at 5:30 in the early morning))
넌 또 다른 여자의 이름을 불러 no
(Neon tto dareun yeojaui ireumeul bulleo no)
((Again, you say some other girl’s name, no))

I don’t care 그만할래 니가 어디에서 뭘 하던 이제 정말 상관 안할게 비켜줄래
(I don’t care geumanhallae niga eodieseo mwol hadeon ije jeongmal sanggwan anhalge bikyeojullae)
((I don’t care, I’ll stop caring about what you’re doing or wherever you’re at, from now on, I don’t want to have interest anymore, just get out of the way))
이제와 울고불고 매달리지마 ‘cause I don’t care, I don’t care
(Ijewa ulgobulgo maedallijima ‘cause I don’t care, I don’t care)
((From now on, don’t come and cry to me, and don’t cling on, ‘cause I don’t care, I don’t care))
‘Cause I don’t care, I don’t care, boy I don’t care

다른 여자들의 다리를 훔쳐보는 니가 너무너무 한심해
(Dareun yeojadeurui darireul humchyeoboneun niga neomuneomu hansimhae)
((Stealing glances at other girl’s legs, I think you’re so pathetically hopeless))
매일 빼놓는 커플링 나 몰래 한 소개팅 더이상 못참을것같아 oh oh oh
(Maeil ppaenonneun keopeulling na mollae han sogaeting deoisang motchameulgeotgata oh oh oh)
((Every day you take off your couple ring, and secretly go on a blind date, I don’t think that I’ll be able to take it anymore, oh, oh, oh))
넌 절대 아니라는 수많은 나의친구 넌 늑대란 친구들까지 타일렀지만
(Neon jeoldae aniraneun sumanheun nauichingu neon neukdaeran chingudeulkkaji tailleotjiman)
((My friends say that you’re not really worth it, though you even try to persuade your wolf-like friends for advice))
차라리 홀가분해 너에게 난 과분해 내 사랑이라 믿었는데 oh oh
(Charari holgabunhae neoege nan gwabunhae nae sarangira mideonneunde oh oh)
((I’d rather keep it simple and let it go with an easy heart, I’m too good for you, though I believed you were my love, oh, oh))
오늘도 바쁘다고 말하는 너 혹시나 전화해봤지만
(Oneuldo bappeudago malhaneun neo hoksina jeonhwahaebwatjiman)
((I tried to call you just in case, because you said you were busy))
역시 뒤에선 여자 웃음소리가 들려 oh no
(Yeoksi dwieseon yeoja useumsoriga deullyeo oh no)
((But as expected, I heard a girl’s laugh in the background, oh no))

I don’t care 그만할래 니가 어디에서 뭘 하던 이제 정말 상관 안할게 비켜줄래
(I don’t care geumanhallae niga eodieseo mwol hadeon ije jeongmal sanggwan anhalge bikyeojullae)
((I don’t care, I’ll stop caring about what you’re doing or wherever you’re at, from now on, I don’t want to have interest anymore, just get out of the way))
이제와 울고불고 매달리지마 ‘cause I don’t care, I don’t care
(Ijewa ulgobulgo maedallijima ‘cause I don’t care, I don’t care)
((From now on, don’t come and cry to me, and don’t cling on, ‘cause I don’t care, I don’t care))
‘Cause I don’t care, I don’t care, boy I don’t care

난 너땜에 울며 지새던 밤을 기억해 boy 더 후회할 널 생각하니 맘이 쉬웠네 boy
(Nan neottaeme ulmyeo jisaedeon bameul gieokhae boy deo huhoehal neol saenggakhani mami swiwonne boy)
((I remember the night when I was crying until dawn because of you, boy, I regret every time I think about how my heart had gone too easy for you, boy))
날 놓치긴 아깝고 갖기엔 시시하잖니 있을때 잘하지 너 왜 이제와 매달리니
(Nal nochigin akkapgo gatgien sisihajannni isseulttae jalhaji neo wae ijewa maedallini)
((I’m too good to throw away yet too boring to have, you should’ve treated me better when we were together, why are you clinging onto me now?))
속아준 거짓말만해도 수백번 오늘 이후로 난 남자 울리는 bad girl
(Sogajun geojitmalmanhaedo subaekbeon oneul ihuro nan namja ullineun bad girl)
((I’ve been fooled by your lies for hundreds of times, from today on, I’ll be a bad girl who makes guys cry))
이젠 눈물 한방울 없이 널 비웃어 사랑이란 게임 속 loser
(Ijen nunmul hanbangul eobsi neol biuseo sarangiran geim sok loser)
((Now without a single tear, I’ll laugh at you, you’re the loser inside a game called love))
무릎꿇고 잡을 수 있니 아님 눈 앞에서 당장 꺼져
(Mureupkkurko jabeul su inni anim nun apeseo dangjang kkeojyeo)
((Get on your knees and take me back, if not, just get out of my sight right now))

I don’t care 그만할래 니가 어디에서 뭘 하던 이제 정말 상관 안할게 비켜줄래
(I don’t care geumanhallae niga eodieseo mwol hadeon ije jeongmal sanggwan anhalge bikyeojullae)
((I don’t care, I’ll stop caring about what you’re doing or wherever you’re at, from now on, I don’t want to have interest anymore, just get out of the way))
이제와 울고불고 매달리지마 ‘cause I don’t care, I don’t care
(Ijewa ulgobulgo maedallijima ‘cause I don’t care, I don’t care)
((From now on, don’t come and cry to me, and don’t cling on, ‘cause I don’t care, I don’t care))
‘Cause I don’t care, I don’t care, boy I don’t care
Wrote by Mashita Fandia
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