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pieces of me



15 tahun yang lalu,
Lorong-lorong itu menjadi saksi,
Delapan anak gadis berlari meraih mimpi,
Di tengah canda tawa dan derai air mata,
Bergenggam tangan berpeluk kebersamaan.
Seragam putih biru menjadi saksi,
Lugunya cinta pertama,
Kepolosan rasa-rasa yang tak terungkapkan,
Debar hati yang belum mengenal rasa luka.
Jalanan Kotabaru menjadi saksi,
Langkah-langkah kecil menuju dunia nyata,
Percakapan yang mengiringi,
Serta sahabat ‘tuk berbagi.

15 tahun berlalu sudah,
Dan akan hadir tahun-tahun berikutnya.
Kita mungkin menua,
Namun jiwa kita tetap muda.
Sama,
Seperti 15 tahun lalu.

M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia



Di bawah langit yang sama,
Jarak membentang luas antara kita.
Di atas satu bumi manusia,
Waktu merentang panjang antara kita.
Dilingkupi udara yang serupa,
Ruang mengisi hampa antara kita.

Memisahkan, atau justru membebaskan?
Dapatkah kita bebas dalam kebersamaan?
Ataukah kita hanya terjerat dalam keterpisahan?

Ada yang perlu hilang sejenak ‘tuk dapat ditemukan kembali,
Karena kita selalu yakini,
Bahwa tempat kita di sini, untuk selalu bersama lagi.

M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


Everyone needs some time on their own. Everyone needs some time all alone. There are times when I do not feel like meeting anyone, talking to anyone, answering phone calls, replying text messages, and all; feel so lost, empty, estranged, and alienated. There are times when I feel like I want to just disappear; and I do disappear somehow. I bet people around me know this side of me all too well. It is not that I want to hide or run away from reality. It is not that I hate the world and the society (though I do hate them sometimes). It is not that I try to push away people around me. It is just that I need some time to figure things out, to redefine myself, to gather my senses and find myself again; and by that I mean I have to do it by myself. I need to do that to be able to face the world again. I need a moment to disappear in order to be able to rise again. And I think everyone needs that. And don’t worry, that moment will not take too long if I am given enough time and space to be alone. I will soon meet people, talk to them, answer phone calls, and reply text messages again.

“Have you ever felt some kind of emptiness inside? You will never measure up. To those people you must be strong, can’t show them that you’re weak. Have you ever told someone something that’s far from the truth? Let them know that you’re okay just to make them stop all the wondering, and questions they may have.” –Lene Marlin, Disguise

At time like this, this one song titled “Disguise” suits me very well. Performed by Norwegian musician Lene Marlin, this pop rock track was released on September 24th 2003 as a part of the singer’s second album, “Another Day”. Though this is considered as an underrated song internationally (Marlin never released this song as a promotional single), I recognized this song from a Taiwanese drama series titled “100% Senorita”, in which this song was appeared as one of the theme songs. Lyrically, this song follows a story of a woman who is tired from putting on some disguise while she is meeting another people; hence she needs some time alone. However, she will be honest with people who care for her; it’s just that she need time to be by herself for a while.


"Another Day" album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

People can never be their really true self when there is other person with them. No matter how close we are with that person, even if it is our closest person, we can never show our really true self. Subconsciously, when there is other person with us, we will act and talk in the way to get a respond from that person or to respond that person. Hence we even think in the way that how the other person will see and think towards us; instead of the way how we really want to be. It is called the panoptical effect. And yes, it is exhausting, moreover for introvert people like me, who find it hard to open up ourselves, even towards the closest person to us. Hence it is natural for some people to feel lonely, though they are not really alone. “Have you ever felt some kind of emptiness inside? You will never measure up. To those people you must be strong, can’t show them that you’re weak. Have you ever told someone something that’s far from the truth? Let them know that you’re okay just to make them stop all the wondering, and questions they may have.”
There are times when I feel empty out of the blue; like there is this hole inside my heart that I will never measure up. The thing is, I cannot show it to other people. There are too many insecurities and fears that force me to never show my weakness in front of them. There are times when I tell simple dumb-ass lie to other people. I say that I am alright though I actually am not. I do that because I simply do not want to bother anyone with my own problems. There is too much anxiety and doubt that force me to never tell how bad I feel. Mostly, I do it all because I’m scared of their reactions. Hence I try so hard to be strong in front of them; and I try so hard to show them that nothing is wrong, that everything is alright with me. “Have you ever seen your face in a mirror, there’s a smile but inside you’re just a mess? You feel far from good, need to hide, ‘cause they’d never understand. Have you ever had this wish, of being somewhere else to let go of your disguise, all your worries too? And from that moment, then you see things clear.”
There are times when I force my smile when the inside of me is actually breaking apart. There are times when I really want to disappear and escape to some inhabitated island just to be by myself. There are times when I feel really tired of pretending. It is hard to keep my disguise, yet it is harder to open up myself. At times like that, I will just shut myself from the world. I feel estranged, yet the only way out at the time is alienating myself. “Are you waiting for that day when your pain will disappear? When you know that it’s not true what they say about you? Couldn’t care less ‘bout the things surrounding you, ignoring all the voices from my wall.” And when I’m alienating myself, I do it for a good cause. It is not going to last forever and I only need a moment to be with just myself. And when I can finally make peace with my own mind, that is when I can open up myself, truthfully and honestly, to other people. “I’m okay, I really am now, just needed some time, to figure things out. Not telling lies, I’ll be honest with you, still we don’t know what’s yet to come.”


"100% Senorita" television series promotional poster | source: en.wikipedia.org

The idea of opening up ourselves scares the hell out of us when we used to feel rejected, dejected, and neglected. And that is how I feel. Hence we put up some disguise; not in the intention to be pretentious, but rather to keep ourselves from pain and hurt. However, as a human being, we need some time on our own to keep our sanity together; a time when we put off all disguise and be just ourselves. Perhaps it is true what Lao Tzu once said; that being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. I love my significant other deeply hence I got the courage to open up myself towards him. And I can feel his love for me, deeply, hence I got the strength to keep myself open for him, and for him only. Though we do not know what is yet to come, still, I will always be honest with him. And my significant other, out of all people, know me all too well how to give me some time to figure things out until I can open up myself. He could read my mind like an open book, beyond all the disguises.

“Have you ever seen your face in a mirror, there’s a smile but inside you’re just a mess? You feel far from good, need to hide, ‘cause they’d never understand. Have you ever had this wish, of being somewhere else to let go of your disguise, all your worries too? And from that moment, then you see things clear.” –Lene Marlin, Disguise



Have you ever felt some kind of emptiness inside? You will never measure up
To those people you must be strong, can’t show them that you’re weak
Have you ever told someone something that’s far from the truth?
Let them know that you’re okay just to make them stop all the wondering, and questions they may have

I’m okay, I really am now, just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I’ll be honest with you, still we don’t know what’s yet to come

Have you ever seen your face in a mirror, there’s a smile but inside you’re just a mess?
You feel far from good, need to hide, ‘cause they’d never understand
Have you ever had this wish, of being somewhere else? To let go of your disguise
All your worries too, and from that moment, then you see things clear

I’m okay, I really am now, just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I’ll be honest with you, still we don’t know what’s yet to come

Are you waiting for that day when your pain will disappear? When you know that it’s not true what they say about you?
Couldn’t care less ‘bout the things surrounding you, ignoring all the voices from my wall

I’m okay, I really am now, just needed some time to figure things out
Not telling lies, I’ll be honest with you, still we don’t know what’s yet to come
I’m okay, I really am now, just needed some time to figure things out
Not telling lies, I’ll be honest with you, still we don’t know what’s yet to come
Still we don’t know, what’s yet to come
Wrote by Mashita Fandia



Minggu lalu kau menepati janjimu untuk datang ke sini. Sudah hampir tengah malam ketika kau tiba di sini, dan dengan begitu, waktu itu kita hanya punya waktu 18 jam saja untuk bersama. Bahkan tidak sampai satu hari. Aku merasa senang sekaligus sedih.
Senang, karena akhirnya kita berjumpa setelah dua minggu lamanya aku memendam rindu. Rasa senang itu semakin dipupuk dengan waktu yang kita habiskan bersama, percakapan yang berkualitas, tidur yang tidak lagi seorang diri, serta kunjungan kita ke rumah Ibu Svet. Senang yang dilingkupi rasa lega dan haru, karena aku menjumpai sosok dirimu yang sedikit lebih dewasa. Bukan, bukan dari penampilanmu. Namun, aku merasakan perubahan itu dari sikap dan lakumu. Dirimu sudah bertambah dewasa. Meskipun jalannya masih panjang, untuk melihat sosok dirimu yang makin dewasa itu, aku merasa senang, lega, dan haru.
Sedih; karena hanya 18 jam saja tenggat waktu yang ada untuk kita melepas rindu. Rasa sedih itu semakin dipupuk dengan fakta yang aku dapatkan bahwa kau ternyata singgah di tempat lain terlebih dahulu sebelum ke sini. Seandainya kau tak singgah, bukankah waktu yang kita miliki bersama akan lebih panjang? Namun sepertinya itu tak penting bagimu. Sepertinya kau lebih menikmati tempat singgahmu. Aku sudah terbiasa untuk menjadi tidak signifikan. Pun dengan kali ini. Sedih yang dilingkupi rasa takut dan gelisah, karena menjumpai sosok dirimu yang sedikit lebih dewasa. Ya, aku senang, lega, dan haru, sekaligus sedih, takut, dan gelisah. Aku takut kau tidak akan membutuhkanku lagi ketika kau telah dewasa. Aku gelisah bahwa diriku yang memang tidak signifikan ini akan semakin tak ada nilainya bagimu.
Segera setelah ku ungkapkan kegelisahanku, kau meredakannya dengan berkata bahwa tidak mungkin dirimu tidak membutuhkanku. Kau bilang, bahwa kita sampai pada titik karena kita bersama; bahwa kau sampai pada titik ini karena kau bersamaku. Dan kau berkata bahwa kita menjalani ini semua bersama-sama. Aku memilih untuk percaya padamu. Kau benar. Kita menjalani ini semua bersama-sama.
Namun beberapa hal terus mengganggu benak dan pikiranku. Hingga beberapa hari yang lalu, perasaan itu meluap menjadi amarah kepadamu. Dan seperti yang selalu kau lakukan setiap kali aku meledak marah, kau pergi dan malah mendiamkanku alih-alih mencoba menenangkanku. Ternyata, untuk hal yang satu ini kau masih belum beranjak dewasa.
Seperti yang selalu aku lakukan setiap kali aku meledak marah dan kau memilih pergi, aku mencoba mengurai sendiri permasalahanku.
Power and money; they are two things that I am afraid of the most in this world.
Dan kau memiliki keduanya. Kuasa dan uang; dua hal yang paling aku takutkan di dunia ini. Wajar ketika “kuasa” menakutkan beberapa orang. Perjalanan sejarah bangsa-bangsa telah mencatat bahwa kuasa banyak menimbulkan mala petaka, terlebih ketika tidak digunakan secara bijaksana. Namun, uang, kita semua butuh uang. Meskipun uang bukan merupakan satu-satunya kebahagiaan, ia sanggup menjadi jembatan menuju kebahagiaan itu sendiri. Lalu mengapa aku takut padanya?
Apabila ditinjau melalui pandangan Freud, semua akar permasalahan manusia bermula dari keluarga. Pada tataran ini, mungkin memang begitu adanya. Setiap kali ayahku meninggalkan ibuku untuk singgah di tempat lain, ia melakukannya ketika ia sedang berada di puncak kuasa dan uang. Aku sadar betul bahwa kau bukanlah ayahku dan aku bukanlah ibuku. Jujur, hingga saat ini pun aku belum tahu bagaimana cara menghentikan ketakutan ini.
Ketakutan atas dua hal itu merasuk dalam relungku untuk sekian lama. Tanpa aku sadari, ia muncul ke permukaan setiap kali aku mendapati dirimu menemukan tempat singgah yang lain. Dengan segera, ketakutan dan temuan itu berjalin-kelindan dalam pikiran dan benakku, menjadi benang kusut yang sekarang sedang ku coba untuk uraikan.
Kuasa, uang, tempat singgah; pikiran dan benakku tengah dikusutkan oleh tiga hal ini. Kemudian pada hari itu, kau mengabaikanku (dan tak memberikan penjelasan mengapa kau mengabaikanku, bahkan ketika aku meminta penjelasan itu). Tembok pertahananku runtuh sudah. Harga diriku (kalau aku masih punya) dihajar habis-habisan oleh insekuritas dan kegelisahan. Rasa percaya diriku (kalau masih ada) diremukkan sedemikian rupa oleh rasa takut dan ragu. Aku habis tak tersisa. Kalau saja kau tak meneleponku lebih dulu pada malam berikutnya, mungkin aku sudah tak terselamatkan. Siapa yang akan tahu? Tak ada yang tahu.
Aku mengerti bahwa ketakutan ini adalah masalah yang harus aku selesaikan sendiri. Mungkin tak akan ada yang sanggup membantuku, baik dirimu sekalipun. Aku tak meminta banyak darimu, hanya kesabaran untuk mendampingiku dalam proses melawan ketakutan ini. Dulu ketika kau masih ada di sini, setiap kali rasa takut itu datang, aku akan memandang wajahmu, dan semuanya akan kembali baik-baik saja. Namun kini setelah kau jauh, aku harus menemukan distraksi untuk mengenyahkan rasa takut itu supaya tidak menggerogoti rasionalitasku. Jadi, tolong jangan marahi aku ketika aku terlalu sering menonton serial drama Korea. Tolong jangan larang aku untuk menulis atau mengunggah tentang kita.
Ah, mengenai tulisan dan unggahan, kita telah membicarakannya, dan aku sangat berterima kasih padamu untuk tidak merenggut itu dariku. Aku sangat berterima kasih kau sanggup memahami bahwa itu semua adalah bentuk terapi yang aku berikan pada diriku sendiri untuk mengatasi kesepian (dan ketakutan) ini. Ini salah satu alasan mengapa aku merasa kau lebih dewasa. Inilah salah satu bentuk kedewasaanmu. Aku merasa lebih dari bahagia.
Satu hal lagi yang membuatku lebih dari bahagia: soal mimpi. Kau telah mengenalku cukup lama dan dalam untuk paham bahwa aku adalah orang yang susah membagi mimpiku, bahkan kepada orang terdekat sekalipun. Bukan karena aku tak mau, melainkan karena aku tak mampu. Aku tidak mempunyai rasa percaya diri sebesar itu untuk menceritakan impian dan cita-citaku kepada orang lain. Aku terlalu takut atas penolakan yang mungkin hadir dari mereka. Lagi-lagi, menurut Freud, semua terjadi karena masa kecil dan pertumbuhanku. Namun semenjak kau hadir, sedikit demi sedikit aku belajar untuk terbuka; untuk jujur atas apa yang aku rasa, bahkan atas apa yang aku takutkan. Terlebih lagi, kau menerima “mimpi”ku dengan sangat terbuka. Dan tidak hanya itu, kau menyatakan dukunganmu. Aku tidak bisa lebih berterima kasih lagi. Aku merasa lebih dari bahagia.

“Datanglah sayang, dan biarkan ku berbaring di pelukanmu walaupun ‘tuk sejenak.
Usaplah dahiku, dan ‘kan ku katakan semua.
Bila ku lelah, tetaplah di sini, jangan tinggalkan aku sendiri.
Bila ku marah, biarkan ku bersandar, jangan kau pergi untuk menghindar.
Rasakan resahku, dan buat aku tersenyum dengan canda tawamu, walaupun ‘tuk sekejap,
Karena hanya engkaulah yang sanggup redakan aku,
Karena engkaulah satu-satunya untukku dan pastikan kita s’lalu bersama,
Karena dirimulah yang sanggup mengerti aku dalam susah ataupun senang.”

Kamu membacaku begitu mudah, seperti membaca buku yang terbuka. Dan itu membuatku lebih dari bahagia, namun sekaligus ketakutan setengah mati. Bertahun-tahun aku mencari tahu mengapa diriku susah terbuka kepada orang lain. Selain karena faktor keluarga dan masa kecil, mungkin juga karena golongan darah. Golongan darahku A, dan berdasarkan riset yang dilakukan oleh orang Korea Selatan (ya, mereka percaya bahwa golongan darah memiliki pengaruh dalam menentukan kepribadian seseorang), orang-orang dengan golongan darah A adalah orang-orang yang penuh analisis dan juga sensitif. Kami mudah stress dan berpikir berlebihan (overthink) terhadap semua hal. Kami keras kepala dan mudah merasa khawatir, karena kami sesungguhnya perfeksionis, bertanggung jawab, dan punya kesadaran diri yang tinggi.
Social life: Reliable and kind, type A’s will care for you like a mother, but will avoid confrontation because they dislike conflict. As a result, they may be passive aggressive when angered or hurt. Because they feel uncomfortable around people and spontaneity, type A’s might also feel awkward during crazy parties.
Love life: Type A’s don’t open up easily because they’re self-conscious, shy, and can get paranoid. Those who attempt to court type A’s will need to be patient. When a type A does eventually return your love, however, the reward is very satisfying. Type A’s are selective, and when they choose you to be their partner, they’ll let you in on all their complexities and show you sides that only you are privy to.
Uraian di atas menjelaskan mengapa aku begitu mudahnya terbuka denganmu dibandingkan dengan orang lain. Dan ya, aku bisa menjadi paranoid. Aku sedang paranoid. Dan aku mengizinkanmu untuk tahu bahwa aku paranoid; suatu keistimewaan yang tidak aku bagi detailnya kepada orang lain. Denganmu, aku bisa menanggalkan segala kepura-puraan yang melingkupiku; itu membuatku lebih bahagia sekaligus ketakutan. Namun ketika kau menerima semuanya dengan lapang dada, itu membuatku lega, tanpa rasa takut.
Aku tidak ingin kehilangan apa yang telah dan akan kita miliki ketika kita bersama; apalagi hanya karena ketakutan yang tidak sanggup aku hadapi. Aku sedang berupaya untuk menghadapi ketakutan itu.  Aku tengah berjuang untuk berdamai dengan diriku sendiri. Satu hal yang membuatku merasa yakin bahwa aku sanggup: ada kamu bersamaku.
Terima kasih. Terima kasih. Terima kasih. Maaf.
Selebihnya, kau pun tahu; aku mencintaimu.

Kota Yogyakarta, 24062017, ditengahramaimalamtakbir
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


Yesterday was a bad time for me. I was at my lowest and darkest point of my mind. I was full of fears and doubt. I was so anxious. I could not help but keep having some bad thoughts, which mostly were related to my significant other. I was dealing so hard with my own trust and distrust issues. But then, I heard this song. And suddenly, I realized that I need to stop for a moment. I needed to take a breath, so I was inhaling while trying to calm myself down. At the moment, I was trying to reminisce all those times I spent with my significant other; not only the bad ones, but also the good ones. I was trying to remember the first time I met him and the feeling I felt at that time. In an instant, I could feel my heart was slowly getting warm. I remember every moment and every conversation we have shared together; it feels heartwarming. I take a look at where we are now and what we have been through together right until this moment; it feels heartfelt. I understand what we are fighting for and I am being reminded once again why we are together. Yes, this is the feeling. This is the one.

“I knew I loved you then, but you’d never know, ‘cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go. I knew I needed you, but I never showed, but I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old. Just say you won’t let go.” –James Arthur, Say You Won’t Let Go

The song I am talking about is titled “Say You Won’t Let Go”, performed by British singer-songwriter, James Arthur, the 2012 winner of The X Factor UK. The song was released on September 9th 2016 as a digital download. It was served as the lead single taken from the singer’s second studio album, “Back from the Edge”. The folk R n’ B track was written by Arthur himself along with Neil Ormandy and Steve Solomon. Lyrically, the lyrics follow a man’s love story from the beginning when he was falling in love until the time when he vows his love for his significant other. Listening to this song makes me feel heartwarming and heartfelt at the same time, and yet, I feel some kind of happiness and warmth. This is the kind of song that could trigger our thought to walk down the memory lane, reminisce every single moment we have spent with our significant other, and reflect on the relationship and the process has made us into what we are now.


"Say You Won't Let Go" single cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

Have you ever met someone and got the feeling somehow that you are destined to be with that person? I knew that kind of feeling when I met my significant other. Our first meetings and dating were full of silly things to begin with, but that was when I know we are meant to be. “I met you in the dark, you lit me up; you made me feel as though I was enough. We danced the night away, we drank too much; I held your hair back when you were throwing up. Then you smiled over your shoulder, for a minute I was stone-cold sober. I pulled you closer to my chest and you asked me to stay over. I said, I already told you, I think that you should get some rest.” And yes, precious thing always scares the hell out of me. And I knew he is precious since the first time I knew him. And yes, pride and ego always got in the way somehow. “I knew I loved you then, but you’d never know, ‘cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go. I knew I needed you, but I never showed, but I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old. Just say you won’t let go.”
Have you ever known someone and got the feeling somehow that you would spend the rest of your life with that person? I got that kind of feeling whenever I’m with my significant other. Our love story is full with ups and downs along the way, but that is when I know we are bound to be. “I wake you up with some breakfast in bed, I’ll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head. And I’ll take the kids to school, wave them goodbye, and I’ll thank my lucky stars for that night. When you looked over your shoulder, for a minute I forget that I’m older. I wanna dance with you right now, oh. And you look as beautiful as ever, and I swear that every day you get better. You make me feel this way somehow.” And yes, nothing comes easy for both of us. And I know it is because this is real and rare; this is how we want to grow old together. “I’m so in love with you, and I hope you know, darling, your love is more than worth its weight in gold. We’ve come so far, my dear, look how we’ve grown, and I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old. Just say you won’t let go.”
Have you ever loved someone and got the feeling somehow that you would not need anything else as long as you are with that person? I have that kind of feeling every time in every single day since I fell in love with my significant other. Unlike a recklessly passionate young love, ours is more likely a mature ones, but that is what makes me understand that we are fated to be. “I wanna live with you, even when we’re ghosts, ‘cause you were always there for me when I needed you most. I’m gonna love you ‘til my lungs give out, I promise ‘til death we part like in our vows. So I wrote this song for you, now everybody knows that it’s just you and me until we’re grey and old. Just say you won’t let go.” I believe that our souls are connected. We were connected in the past life. And we will be connected in the next life too. We have grown together in these past years, and I want to grow old together with him in the next years more. And I will not trade that for anything in this world; nothing can compare to our togetherness. I won’t let go; and I hope he won’t let go too.


"Back from the Edge" album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

Some souls are connected, I believe; from the past life, in the current life, and through the next life. We know it just when we know it. It is some kind of irrational thing that knowledge has not been able to keep up with. We never know when we will meet our connected soul. Some souls meet in the darkest time of theirs, and they give light to each other to shine. Together they grow through what they go through. As much as they feel afraid of losing something they know they hold so dear, they love each other too much to not fight for it. As much as they have fears for letting go of something they know they cherish the most, they care for each other too much to just walk away from it. For some people, it could be so hard to confess the feeling they have inside though they understand how deep they feel for it. But when the soul is connected, they will slowly open up. And people like this, once they open up, they love sincerely; like falling asleep, slowly and then all at once. And for this kind of feeling, people won’t just let go. We won’t just let go.

“I’m so in love with you, and I hope you know, darling, your love is more than worth its weight in gold. We’ve come so far, my dear, look how we’ve grown, and I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old. Just say you won’t let go.” –James Arthur, Say You Won’t Let Go




I met you in the dark, you lit me up, you made me feel as though I was enough
We danced the night away, we drank too much, I held your hair back when you were throwing up
Then you smiled over your shoulder, for a minute I was stone-cold sober
I pulled you closer to my chest and you asked me to stay over
I said, I already told you, I think that you should get some rest

I knew I loved you then, but you’d never know, ‘cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go
I knew I needed you, but I never showed, but I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old
Just say you won’t let go, just say you won’t let go

I wake you up with some breakfast in bed, I’ll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head
And I’ll take the kids to school, wave them goodbye, and I’ll thank my lucky stars for that night
When you looked over your shoulder, for a minute I forget that I’m older
I wanna dance with you right now, oh
And you look as beautiful as ever, and I swear that every day you get better
You make me feel this way somehow

I’m so in love with you, and I hope you know, darling, your love is more than worth its weight in gold
We’ve come so far, my dear, look how we’ve grown, and I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old
Just say you won’t let go, just say you won’t let go

I wanna live with you, even when we’re ghosts, ‘cause you were always there for me when I needed you most
I’m gonna love you ‘til my lungs give out, I promise ‘til death we part like in our vows
So I wrote this song for you, now everybody knows that it’s just you and me until we’re grey and old
Just say you won’t let go, just say you won’t let go, just say you won’t let go, oh, just say you won’t let go
Wrote by Mashita Fandia



These days I feel like I’m going back to the ground zero; well, though not really, actually. Last weekend my partner came and we met for the first time after being in a long distance relationship for two weeks. It was only two weeks, but still, it is a record for us. Well, I was still crying right after he left again for going back to the town where he works. However, it was not for a long time and I did not bury myself in loneliness again. This time I feel better, somehow. Perhaps it is because the talk we shared, but I am sure that it is mostly because I have seen his presence; moreover, a little bit more mature one. I can feel it through the vibe he gave me from his attitude. And I feel relieved for that. Anyway, I am still listening to the “loneliness mixtape” that I made. However, I do it because I do like those songs. And somehow, at this past midnight, I suddenly remember about six years ago; when I had to spend those nights in desperation, sadness, and loneliness because he left me. Yes, I am talking about the same person here. My significant other was leaving me six years ago. (I can’t believe I have known him for six years already now. Time flies, indeed.) Probably I remember it because the condition now is very different from back then. Moreover, this particular one song reminds me a lot about that time; that hard and rough time back then.

“And I wonder if I ever cross your mind? For me it happens all the time.” –Lady Antebellum, Need You Now

This one particular song is titled “Need You Now”, performed by American country music trio, Lady Antebellum. The country pop rock track was released on August 11th 2009 and served as the lead-off single as well as the title track to the group’s second studio album of the same name. “Need You Now” was written by the Lady Antebellum, which is consisted of Hillary Scott, Charles Kelley, and Dave Haywood, along with Josh Kear. An official accompany music video was directed by David McClister. In 2011, “Need You Now” won four Grammy Awards, including Song of the Year and Record of the Year. Well, what a year for Lady Antebellum as well as for me! No wonder that I feel connected somehow to this song back then in 2011. Lyrically, the song describes placing a call to someone in the middle of the night due to being lonely and longing for companionship.


"Need You Now" single cover US edition | source: en.wikipedia.org

Do you know what it’s like to get to that point where you feel lonely enough that you make a late night phone call that you very well could regret the next day? I bet you I know it all too well what it feels like. I had done it several times in the past. And 2011 was my hardest year of my life so far, as long as I can remember. I still remember that time vividly; the broken-hearted, the painful separation, the bitter farewell, the last goodbye, and the shattered love. Whether it is in a good or bad terms, a separation is always hurtful. And though the goodbye is settled, there are times when the pain is unbearable. “Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor. Reaching for the phone ‘cause I can’t fight it anymore.” Though the damage is done and there is no way back, there are times when the loneliness is unbearable; including regrets, longing, sadness, and resentment. Those are leading to a false hope and illusion. “Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door. Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.”
The hardest part of a separation is dealing with our own selves. Are we strong enough to restrain the pain and broken heart? Are we tough enough to stand amidst the storm of loneliness and longing? At the most devastating point, we cannot stop thinking about that person. At the most excruciating point, we always wonder whether that person thinks and feels the same as we do. “And I wonder if I ever cross your mind? For me it happens all the time.” At the most helpless and desperate point, we cannot help but reaching out for that person again. Though we know we should not do that, we cannot help but calling out for that person again. Since we know that though the person is the one who makes us in pain, the person is also the only one who has the cure. And we do not have a control since we have done some self-damage for losing our minds. “It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now. Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now. And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.”
“It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now. Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now. And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.” Dealing with such a heartbreaking thing like a separation, sometimes we just cannot contain ourselves. And most of the times, we choose the shortcut the wash away the pain: drinking. However, most of the times too, being drunk creates more problems rather than solving ones. But then again, people say that drunken people are in their most honest state of consciousness ever. Well, there are also some researches saying that being drunken triggers people to do or say things they do not dare to do or say when they are sober. It brings some kind of magical yet shitty courage and bravery to grab for what we think we need. And in this case, it is the person who has been haunting our heartbroken mind. Though we know that it would end ugly, well, I guess everyone would rather hurt than feel nothing at all, right? I do, at least. “Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.”


"Need You Now" single cover International edition | source: en.wikipedia.org

Pain makes us feel alive. If I ever got something from my love life experience for my whole 27 years of life so far, it is that pain makes us feel alive. Separation is always hurtful. It brings pain no matter how well and nice we have it settle with the person whom we separated with. The hardest part in the aftermath of the separation is dealing with our own selves; our mind (which works rationally) has to face versus our heart (which works irrationally, or emotionally, and in this case, is at the state of heartbroken and devastated). At the most desperate state in the aftermath, we tend to serve our body for a temporary healing, such as drinking in order to get drunk. And the worst thing to feel, rather than the excruciating pain (from the broken relationship, shattered love, and devastated dream), is the loneliness that comes from the longing; since it comes from the beautiful memories we have shared with that person. And past midnight is always the worst time of a day. We wonder why it must drift away and die. In the end, we know we need that person, because that person is the only one who has the cure, though we also know it all too well that the person is the one who inflicts the pain. Though we might regret it later, we know we need that person now.

“Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.” –Lady Antebellum, Need You Now




Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone ‘cause I can’t fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind? For me it happens all the time

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind? For me it happens all the time

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now

Oh, whoa, guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn’t call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now
I just need you now, oh, baby, I need you now
Wrote by Mashita Fandia



Just how much longer until I can smell your scent again?
That particular sweet scent which is able to move my world.
Just how much longer until I can see your smile again?
That one and only smile that is able to steal my heartbeat.
Just how much longer until I can be in your embrace again?
That particular warm embrace which is able to sweep my soul.
Just how much longer until I can kiss your lips again?
That one and only kiss that is able to take away my breath.

It is excruciating for not having you right here beside me.
It is devastating for not being able to reach you.
Just how much longer until you can meet me?
Tell me, just how much longer I have to wait for you?

How much longer until I can feel your love again?
The irreplaceable love that is able to change my way of life.

M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


Sudah dua minggu berlalu sejak dirimu mengemasi sebagian baju, semua buku, alat musik, serta alat rekammu dan pergi meninggalkan rumah ini. Bagiku, minggu kedua ini secara emosional mulai terasa ringan dibandingkan seminggu pertama kemarin. Paling tidak, frekuensi menangisku mulai berkurang, walaupun tidak menghilang sama sekali. Paling tidak, frekuensi munculnya sisi gelap jiwaku (yang pesimis, penuh insekuritas, ketakutan, dan kegelisahan) mulai berkurang, meskipun tidak seluruhnya menghilang. Namun, secara fisik, minggu kedua ini justru terasa semakin berat bagiku. Mungkin karena kali ini aku ­benar-benar sendirian di rumah ini. Fahmi pulang ke Semarang hari Senin kemarin (dan baru akan kembali ke sini akhir Juli nanti, ya, JULI). Sedangkan Patricia, ya, hanya Tuhan dan Natsumi yang tahu di mana dia berada dan kapan ia akan kembali ke rumah. Jadi ya, seperti nyanyian almarhumah Nike Ardilla, tinggallah diriku di sini sendiri. Semoga saja aku tidak alih profesi menjadi nelayan yang kemudian kehilangan arah.
Terkadang ketika sisi gelap jiwaku muncul dan mengambil alih, aku merasa marah padamu; karena pergi meninggalkanku. Karena memutuskan untuk pergi meninggalkanku seorang diri di sini. Padahal kau tahu aku telah melepaskan segalanya untuk mengikutimu ke mana pun kau pergi. Seperti yang pernah kau bilang tentangku, aku adalah anjing yang penurut; lebih tepatnya, anjingmu yang penurut (“She’s always been this obedient dog, right?” Katamu pada suatu malam, yang mungkin sudah tak kau ingat lagi karena kau mengatakannya dalam kondisi marah). Aku selalu mengikutimu ke mana pun kau pergi. Namun semua itu selalu berujung pada dirimu yang meninggalkanmu. Bukan salahmu, memang. Bukan salahmu, aku tahu dan paham semua itu. Hanya saja ketika sisi gelap yang berkuasa, rasionalku seolah berhenti begitu saja. Aku hanya bisa menangis. Menangisi betapa tidak berharganya diriku ini, karena pada akhirnya tak akan ada yang tahan hidup bersama denganku.
Ingatanku kemudian melompat-lompat dalam rangkaian kegelisahan dan rasa sendu. Ya, ini yang terjadi setiap kali sisi gelap datang mengambil alih. Aku teringat setiap kali kau menolak permintaanku untuk memotretku. Wajar saja kau tak mau, pikirku, aku hanyalah perempuan dengan wajah jelek dan pas-pasan; mana mau kau menyia-nyiakan waktu untuk memenuhi permintaanku itu. Wajar pula ketika kau jarang mau dipotret berdua denganku. Mungkin kamu malu bersanding dengan perempuan sepertiku, yang tidak bisa dibandingkan dengan perempuan-perempuan yang jauh lebih cantik dan seksi di luar sana yang rela berbaris dalam antrian untuk diajak kencan semalam denganmu dan selalu mengirimkan pesan rindu kepadamu hanya setelah satu atau dua kali kencan pertama. Aku juga bertanya-tanya mengapa kau meninggalkan hampir seluruh barang yang mungkin dapat mengingatkanmu padaku; foto kita berdua, surat dariku, ah ya, aku berani bertaruh bahwa kau bahkan sudah lupa di mana kau menaruh surat yang kuberikan padamu itu. Mungkin memang tidak berarti bagimu. Mungkin kau memang tidak mau mengingatku di sana. Wajar; perempuan sepertiku. Tidak penting.
Namun tenang saja, tidak butuh waktu lama bagiku untuk kembali berpijak pada rasionalitas. Seperti yang pernah aku katakan berkali-kali padamu, aku ini terlalu rusak (damaged). Gelap dan terangku bisa berubah begitu cepat layaknya sakelar lampu yang korslet. Rasionalitasnya adalah: ini bukan salahmu ataupun salahku. Kau pergi karena punggungmu telah terdesak ke dinding (your back against the wall). Tak ada pilihan lain. Benarkah? Ya, setidaknya untuk saat ini. Kemudian, rasionalitasnya adalah: aku mengikutimu karena itu adalah pilihanku sendiri. Kau tidak pernah memaksaku. Pun dengan keputusan bahwa aku akan tetap tinggal di sini setelah kau pergi. Itu adalah keputusanku sendiri. Kau tidak pernah memaksaku untuk tinggal. Kau bahkan menyuruhku untuk pindah. Namun, pindah pun bukan merupakan keputusan yang bijak untuk saat ini. Pada akhirnya, manusia hidup atas konsekuensi dari pilihan-pilihan yang mereka buat sendiri. Kita masih terlalu muda untuk menyerah ketika pilihan menghasilkan konsekuensi yang mengharuskan kita bekerja lebih keras. Kita juga sudah terlalu tua untuk meratapi pilihan yang ternyata menghasilkan konsekuensi yang melenceng dari prediksi kita.
Satu hal yang aku tahu pasti: aku mengikutimu karena aku ingin bersama denganmu, karena aku mau. Dan aku tidak akan pernah menyesali itu. Jutaan rasa sedih dan sepi tak akan sanggup menghapus ribuan kebahagiaan yang aku rasakan di setiap waktu yang aku habiskan bersamamu di sini. Yang kita punya bersama adalah nyata (real), langka (rare), dan sangat berarti.
Tadi aku sempat menuliskan bahwa minggu kedua ini secara fisik terasa lebih berat bagiku. Ya, aku benar-benar sendirian kali ini. Fahmi telah menjadi supporting system yang luar biasa dalam seminggu pertama setelah kau pergi. Ketika masih ada Fahmi, setidaknya masih ada tenaga laki-laki untuk mengerjakan pekerjaan berat. Selain itu, ia juga sering memasak. Bahkan di hari ketika ia pergi ke Semarang, ia sempat meninggalkan nasi, lauk, dan sayur untukku. Aku menjadi merasa bersalah padanya, karena aku tidak benar-benar ‘ada’ dalam seminggu pertama setelah kau pergi. Padahal aku tahu, ia juga sangat sedih dengan kepergianmu. Tentu saja hal ini tidak aku ketahui darinya langsung, melainkan dari Yura, pacarnya. Aku tidak bisa cukup berterima kasih pada mereka berdua untuk ‘ada’ di sekitarku selama seminggu pertama setelah kau pergi.
Kini setelah aku benar-benar sendirian, aku menyadari bahwa selama ini dirimu telah mengurus begitu banyak hal baik secara fisik (menyapu halaman, membersihkan kamar, membersihkan rumah, membersihkan kamar mandi, mengganti galon, mencari servis listrik ketika sedang bermasalah) maupun finansial (membayar listrik, membeli air minum, membayar tukang sampah, membayar laundry, membeli bahan makanan). Semua hal yang biasa kau urus, ditambah dengan hal-hal yang memang biasa aku urus, sekarang aku harus melakukannya seorang diri. Mungkin ini yang membuat semuanya terasa berat. Pada titik ini aku benar-benar merasa salut pada para ibu tunggal di luar sana yang mengurus rumah tangganya seorang diri tanpa sosok suami. Aku tidak bisa cukup berterima kasih padamu untuk mengurus semua hal itu sewaktu kau masih ada di sini.
Pada suatu siang aku terbangun dengan kondisi tidak sehat. Kepalaku berputar (tidak, tidak secara harafiah); fase awal dari vertigo. Seluruh badanku terasa sakit karena merindukanmu. Mungkin aku mengidap Vidi-kronis; semacam penyakit psikosomatis (sakit fisik yang disebabkan oleh sakit psikologis) yang muncul karena terlalu merindukanmu. Yah, tidak ada yang sanggup memprediksi, bahkan diriku sendiri, bahwa aku akan baik-baik saja setelah kau pergi. Tidak, tidak ada. Beberapa kali aku menolak tawaran dari Monic ataupun Syakira untuk bermalam di tempat mereka. Bukan karena aku tak mau, tetapi karena aku ingin menguji diriku sendiri; sejauh mana aku sanggup bertahan sendiri tanpa mengeluh. Aku sadar orang-orang memandangku sebagai sosok yang terlalu mandiri (bahkan kau pun berpikir demikian pada suatu masa), namun kau sendiri tahu betapa aku bisa menjadi begitu manjanya ketika bersama denganmu. Dan ya, memang, aku hanya membiarkan diriku menjadi manja ketika bersama denganmu; hanya kepadamu.
Membaca dari pesan-pesan yang kau kirimkan padaku belakangan ini, sepertinya kau sudah mulai menemukan ritmemu di sana. Aku turut bahagia. Pun bangga. Aku selalu tahu bahwa kau bisa melakukannya. Di sisi lain, beberapa pesan menyadarkanku bahwa tingkat kerinduan pun semakin meningkat dalam dirimu; mungkin bukan rindu kepadaku, tetapi lebih kepada kehidupanmu di sini. Bersabarlah. Akan ada waktunya. Namun sepertinya, meskipun sering kita rapal bersama, kata “sabar” belum menjadi sahabat kita. Semalam, pertengkaran pertama kita terjadi. Ya, mungkin bagimu itu bukan pertengkaran, tetapi bagiku itu jelas sebuah pertengkaran karena aku merasa marah padamu. Pun dari nada bicaramu kau terdengar marah padaku. “Aku kira kamu secerdas itu, tahu nggak?!” Kau membentak dengan nada tinggi layaknya tokoh protagonis dalam sinetron yang tengah kecewa mendapati kekasihnya berkhianat.
Kamu bicara soal konsep dirimu dan segala atribut yang menempel padamu. Kamu bicara soal semua hal yang aku kenal tentangmu. Katamu semua itu sudah mati. Benarkah? Aku marah. Pertama, aku marah karena kecewa. Kecewa akan apa? Bukan; bukan karena kamu berpikir bahwa aku tidak tahu apa-apa dan tidak benar-benar mengenalmu (meskipun pikiranmu itu juga begitu menyakitkan bagiku) dan bahwa aku tidak secerdas itu untuk tahu segalanya. Aku kecewa karena ternyata kau tidak mengenalku cukup baik untuk tahu bahwa aku lebih baik “menderita dalam ke-tahu-an” daripada “bahagia dalam ke-tidak tahu-an”. Kedua, dirimu sendiri yang bilang bahwa dengan berbagi dan bercerita tentang hal-hal sederhana lah yang membuat hubungan ini berarti. Namun apa yang terjadi? Kau justru mendorongku jauh dari hal sederhana yang kau anggap tidak penting itu. Aku hanya ingin mendengarnya namun kau tak ingin bercerita. Ketiga, lagi-lagi kau tenggelam dalam ketakutanmu sendiri; ketakutan atas realita, krisis identitas, jati diri, dan takut atas kehilangan dirimu yang sesungguhnya.
Mari kita mulai dengan identitas. Bahkan bagi cendekiawan yang telah memelajarinya selama puluhan tahun bahkan meraih gelar profesor, “identitas” adalah sesuatu yang cair dan penuh dengan kontestasi. Identitas pun berbeda dengan peran sosial. Berkali-kali sudah aku membahas soal ini denganmu. Peran sosial apapun yang kau sedang jalani sekarang di sana, aku yakin itu semua tidak akan mengubah seorang dirimu yang telah aku kenal selama ini. Dia akan selalu ada di dalam sana, meskipun bungkus dirinya kini tengah menjelma menjadi orang lain dan melakukan hal-hal yang dia tidak suka, bahkan benci sekalipun, dia ada di dalam sana. Pun ketika dirimu merasa kau telah berubah, bukan berarti kau memang sepenuhnya berubah. Itu hanya wujud dari dirimu yang tengah atau telah beradaptasi dengan peran sosialmu. Manusia tidak pernah benar-benar berubah, Sayang, dan kita tahu betul itu. Dan ketika melepasmu pergi ke sana, aku melakukannya bukan tanpa kesadaran bahwa dirimu akan bergeser atau bertransformasi. Aku sadar betul dengan kemungkinan akan menjadi seperti apa dirimu di sana. Dan aku tak akan kaget ketika itu terjadi. Kau tak mau itu terjadi? Tenanglah. Kau selalu punya aku untuk mengingatkanmu kembali siapa dirimu sebenarnya; dirimu yang kau inginkan.
Orang punya cara mereka masing-masing untuk peduli. Dan kau bilang bahwa kau melakukannya karena kau peduli padaku. Oke, pada tataran ini aku bisa menerimanya. Yang membuatku tidak habis pikir adalah bisa-bisanya kau meletakkan segala kepedulian itu pada perasaanmu semata tanpa menimbang bagaimana perasaanku atas semua itu. Sekali lagi, aku sangka kau mengenalku dengan cukup baik untuk tahu bahwa aku selalu senang mendengar semua ceritamu, bahkan ketika kau berpikir bahwa cerita itu tidak cukup penting untuk dibagi. Sisi pesimisku mulai berpikir, bahwa mungkin kau tak lagi menganggap hubungan ini berarti, atau jangan-jangan, sedari awal memang tak pernah berarti bagimu? Namun lagi-lagi, aku menengok ke belakang, pada semua yang telah kita lalui dan capai bersama, lalu sampai pada kesadaran; bahwa apapun yang kau lakukan, bagaimanapun caranya, kau melakukan itu semua karena kau sayang padaku. Dan aku yakin itu. Dan keyakinan itu pulalah yang membuatku memiliki kekuatan untuk menunggumu. Hari ini kau bilang kau akan datang kemari. Entah jam berapa kau akan sampai, entah sebelumnya kau akan mampir di mana dalam perjalananmu, yang jelas aku menunggu, layaknya anjing yang penurut.
Aku tahu aku bukanlah pribadi yang religius. Namun aku percaya bahwa Tuhan itu ada, dan Ia selalu ada dengan cara-Nya sendiri, dengan kebaikan. Oleh karena itu aku masih percaya pada suatu ritual sakral yang orang-orang sebut dengan berdoa, namun aku menyebutnya sebagai “berbicara” dengan Tuhanku. Dalam bicaraku aku selalu menyebut namamu. Bahwa di mana pun kau berada dan apa pun yang sedang kau lakukan di sana, semesta akan selalu menjaga dan memberkatimu.
Selebihnya, kau pun tahu; aku mencintaimu.

Bantul, 17062017, dalamsepimenunggupagi
Wrote by Mashita Fandia



Just like yesterday, and the day before, today I get back home after an exhausting day.
Strangely, I feel more exhausted than I have ever been,
But then I realize, it is almost two weeks I have been like this.

Just like I used to do, I pick up my key and open up the lock of the front door.
And then I enter my bedroom, our bedroom, and throw my body onto the bed.
Strangely, I feel the house is emptier, and so is my heart,
But then I realize, it is almost two weeks I have felt like this.

I get up and go to the kitchen, just to find that there is nothing to eat, as usual.
I go back to the bedroom to ask you out for dinner,
But then I realize, it is almost two weeks I have had dinner alone.

I choose to forget about dinner and change my clothes.
And then I climb onto the bed, trying to have some sleep.
I turn my body, searching for your arms to hold me until I fall asleep,
But then I realize, it is almost two weeks I have slept alone.

M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia
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