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pieces of me



I’ve been thinking about relationship these past weeks. Actually, I always think about relationship. However, it got more intense particularly in these past few weeks since my partner brought up the topic about the shifting of his perception towards me. The shifting he talked about has been the core of our problems these past months as it created some frictions between us in our everyday life. The climax of the conflict was a few days ago when he left me for his hometown, without telling me when he will come back here. It was awfully painful. It was terribly hurtful. It was a miserable disaster. Though I’m sure somehow that he will be back, it doesn’t make it hurt less. This morning he texted me saying that he’s on his way back here. And here I am now, waiting for him. And even after it has passed the hour that I assume he will reach home, he never showed up. Here he goes again. And here I go again on my own. He spends the night somewhere with someone else as he usually does when he’s upset with me. And here I am wondering; whether to let go or not.

“You know I’d fight for you, but how could I fight someone who isn’t even there? I’ve had the rest of you, now I want the best of you; I don’t care if that’s not fair.” –O-Town, All or Nothing

As my heart is bewildered in between the thought that he would never make it home tonight (because I believe he will spend the night with some other girl) and the hope that he would eventually come back home in the end of the day, I listen to this one song that represents my mixed-feeling so well. It is a song titled “All or Nothing”, performed by American boy band, O-Town. The one hit wonder was released in July 23rd (well, coincidentally it is the same date of our relationship’s anniversary) 2001 as the second single taken from the group’s eponymous debut studio album. The pop ballad track was written by Wayne Hector and Steve Mac. “All or Nothing” speaks to me that I have been with someone who isn’t fully committed to me and still hung up on his ex (maybe) or other girls (perhaps).

"All or Nothing" single cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

Have you ever loved someone who does not present at the moment even when you are together physically? Perhaps that person lives in the past or maybe in the future. Perhaps that person lives in the present time but their mind is always wondering somewhere out there. Perhaps that person is always empty. Perhaps that person is always unfulfilled. Perhaps that person is never satisfied. “I know when he’s been on your mind, that distant look is in your eyes. I thought with time you’d realize it’s over, over. It’s not the way I choose to live, and something somewhere’s got to give as sharing this relationship gets older, older.” As much as you try to convince them to talk and fight for the relationship, you got rejected over and over again. And you start to wonder whether it is wrong that you want the best of them. After all, it takes two to tango and there are two people in this relationship. “You know I’d fight for you, but how could I fight someone who isn’t even there? I’ve had the rest of you, now I want the best of you; I don’t care if that’s not fair.”
Have you ever loved someone who always seems so far away even when you are side by side with them physically? Perhaps that person has hidden things they cannot share. Perhaps that person has some secrets they cannot say. Perhaps that person has some stories they cannot confess. Perhaps that person always has intention to leave. Perhaps that person never had intention to stay. Perhaps that person is just never there. “There are times it seems to me, I’m sharing you with memories. I feel it in my heart but I don’t show it, show it. Then there’s times you look at me as though I’m all that you can see. Those times I don’t believe it’s right; I know it, know it.” As much as you try to make them understand and give care for the relationship, you got dejected all over again. And you start to wonder whether it is wrong that you want the best from them. After all, it only works both ways in communication as well as in relationship. “Don’t make me promises, baby, you never did know how to keep them well. I had the rest of you, now I want the best of you; it’s time to show and tell.”
Have you ever loved someone and given it all? You love that person so much that you are willing to afford them anything. You love that person so deep that you are compliant to surrender your everything. However, that person is leaving you hanging with all those questions in your head. That person is leaving you wondering all the answers all alone. And then you come to conclusion that maybe it is time to decide whether you take all or nothing at all. “‘Cause I want it all or nothing at all, there’s nowhere left to fall when you reach the bottom; it’s now or never. Is it all or are we just friends? Is this how it ends? With a simple telephone call you leave me here with nothing at all.” If there is no more heart left for understanding, then it’s done. If there is no more conscience left for discussion, then it’s done. If there is no more senses left for negotiation, then it’s done. And you are left with nothing at all but a voice message telling that that person can’t do this anymore. “‘Cause you and I could lose it all if you’ve got no more room; no room inside for me in your life.”

"O-Town" album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

When I fall for someone, I fall for all of them. Hence I give it all. Therefore I want to take it all. After all, the essence of a relationship is “take and give”, though the essence of love itself is only “give”. If it is an unrequited love then I do not mind at all if the practice is not reciprocal; because that is just the way how a one-sided love works. However, this is a relationship we’re talking about. I’m just a human being after all; hence it makes sense if I want my partner to contribute in this relationship as much as I do, whether it is in the terms of feelings or daily practice. It is cruel for leaving your so-called significant other with unanswered questions and endless wonders. I would fight for it, and he knows I always will, but how can I fight for someone who neglects me? I would do anything to make it right, and he understands I always will, but how can I make it right if he doesn’t give me any chance to do that? I would try everything to make it works, and he is aware that I always will, but how can I work it if he leaves me alone here? Is it all? Or nothing at all? Or are we just fucking professional partners? Is this how it ends? With a simple voice message, he left me here with nothing at all. Where is the sense in that? It’s logical fallacy everywhere.

“Don’t make me promises, baby, you never did know how to keep them well. I had the rest of you, now I want the best of you; it’s time to show and tell.” –O-Town, All or Nothing 




I know when he’s been on your mind, that distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you’d realize it’s over, over
It’s not the way I choose to live, and something somewhere’s got to give
As sharing this relationship gets older, older

You know I’d fight for you, but how could I fight someone who isn’t even there?
I’ve had the rest of you, now I want the best of you, I don’t care if that’s not fair

‘Cause I want it all or nothing at all, there’s nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom, it’s now or never
Is it all or are we just friends? Is this how it ends?
With a simple telephone call you leave me here with nothing at all

There are times it seems to me, I’m sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart but I don’t show it, show it
Then there’s times you look at me as though I’m all that you can see
Those times I don’t believe it’s right, I know it, know it

Don’t make me promises, baby, you never did know how to keep them well
I had the rest of you, now I want the best of you, it’s time to show and tell

‘Cause I want it all or nothing at all, there’s nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom, it’s now or never
Is it all or are we just friends? Is this how it ends?
With a simple telephone call, you leave me here with nothing at all

‘Cause you and I could lose it all if you’ve got no more room, no room inside for me in your life

‘Cause I want it all or nothing at all, there’s nowhere left to fall, it’s now or never
Is it all or nothing at all? There’s nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom, it’s now or never
Is it all or are we just friends? Is this how it ends?
With a simple telephone call, you leave me here with nothing at all
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


Layaknya kapal yang dihempas badai semalam,
Hancur berantakan,
Berserakan,
Dan hanya kegelapan,
Menyelimuti bilik kecil kita dalam kehampaan.

Apa yang sedang kita lakukan, Sayang?
Hanya menumpuk kebencian.
Hanya menimbun amarah.
Tak tahu arah dan tujuan.

Kita sama-sama kehilangan makna.
Kau dan aku limbung dalam kesepian.
Kita sama-sama ditelan durjana.
Kau dan aku termangu di ambang kehancuran.

Hasrat dibakar habis oleh kecewa,
Sementara tiang pancang ego berdiri kokoh di tengah reruntuhannya.
Hati dijerat lebam oleh derita,
Sementara tembok keangkuhan berdiri tegak di tengah goresannya.

Tak ada yang tersisa di sana, Sayang,
Hanya luka yang menunggu ‘tuk jadi ingatan.
Hanya sakit yang mengharap ‘tuk jadi kenangan.
Hanya aku yang tersesat dalam kekosongan.

Tak ada yang tersisa di sana, Sayang.
Tapi benarkah?
Sesungguhnya selalu terselip harap dalam setiap tanya.

M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


A philosopher, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, once said that “a drunk mind speaks a sober heart”. Well, this is still quite controversial until nowadays. There are people who believe that being drunk makes us genuine. On the other hand, there are also people who believe that being drunk just makes us dumb. However, a professor from Department of Psychological Sciences, University of Missouri, Bruce D. Bartholow, said that alcohol does not make us behave badly; it just makes us care less. Those drunken ramblings weren’t just random thoughts and ridiculous notions. What our drunk mouth was spewing were all those thoughts our sober mouth didn’t have the guts to. And as much as we wish to deny it, it was the truth. When we are drunk, only at that moment, we didn’t care about how much it was going to hurt the other person or even ourselves; because, that is what drinking is all about, isn’t it? It is a whirling and tumbling gamble of life. We throw away all our inhibitions and knowingly drown ourselves in a liquid that, at certain levels, is poisonous enough to kill us. Is it a form of self-destruction or the only way for us to release? Is poisoning ourselves the only way to tell the truth?

“Whenever I’m in front of you, I’ve been preparing myself to say this, but I always say the opposite thing. And then I turn around and regret that, but now I will confess to you that I have loved you since the beginning.” –Exhibition, Drunken Truth (취중진담)

The song I would like to talk about this time is a Korean classic titled “Drunken Truth (취중진담)”, performed by Exhibition (전람회), a duo consisted of Kim Dong Ryul on vocal and piano, and Seo Dong Wook on bass guitar. The English title of the song is also known as “The Truth in Wine”. The pop-ballad jazz-blues track was written and composed by Kim. The song was released in May 1996 as the lead single taken from their second studio album, “Strangers”, which was released after Kim and Seo’s hiatus for military service. The comeback was a big hit, with “Drunken Truth (취중진담)” became widely popular even until nowadays, especially as a love confession song, since the lyrics follow the story of a man who confesses his feeling towards the woman he loves when he’s drunk. Since then, “Drunken Truth (취중진담)” was covered by many artists, including Kim himself; he recorded his own version of the song for his solo album, “Farewell” in 2005 and “Thanks” in 2007. As much as I like it that many Korean male singers that I like were covering this song, nothing could beat the original though. Well, that is in my drunken humble opinion.


"Strangers" album cover | source: namu.wiki

Just admit it, as a human being, we all have our limits. There are things that we find so hard to say when we are sober. There is feeling that we find so difficult to confess when we are sober. There are times when we need to drink before we can say those things. There are times when we need to get drunk before we can confess the feeling. “That’s right, I may be drunk, and this might be a mistake; when the morning comes, I might forget everything and act like I don’t remember. And I might become really nervous around you, but there is something that I absolutely have to say tonight. So I apologize for showing you this weak side of me, but please don’t think that I’m saying it just because I’m drunk.” Just because we are drunk at the moment, it doesn’t mean that what we say and confess are not true or not sincere or not coming from our heart. “Whenever I’m in front of you, I’ve been preparing myself to say this, but I always say the opposite thing. And then I turn around and regret that, but now I will confess to you that I have loved you since the beginning.”
Just admit it, as a human being, we all have our shortcomings. At times, we say things we don’t mean to say when we’re sober; just because we’re afraid of what other people may think of or react to that. We end up saying the opposite things from what we really feel though we’ve been prepared. However, when we’re drunk, people tend to take us lightly and not seriously. “Why do you just keep smiling? Does this all sound like a joke to you? Why are you not saying a word? Why are you silently looking at me as if I’m a child?” While in fact, we got drunk because we want to gain some bravery and guts to say what we truly feel, especially when it comes to love; yes, that strange little thing. “Just like this, I love you; even if my fumbling words may seem old-fashioned, and you may not believe me, but I’m not a kind of person who says this kind of thing to just anyone. I feel just as awkward as you are right now, I can’t even look at you straight in the eye, I’m sorry that I keep on repeating the same thing that I said earlier, but I’m going to tell you everything today.”
Saying that you love someone might be an easy thing to do for some people. However, I believe that there are people like me who find it hard to say the thing that is really meaningful and truly precious. For me personally, when I fall in love with someone, I always find it difficult to confess my feeling for them; because it means everything for me, and because when I fall, I fall deeply. “Just like this, I love you; even if my fumbling words may seem old-fashioned, and you may not believe me, but it is not just something that I recklessly say. Probably I will never do something like this again for the second time, but when the morning comes, I will hold you in my arms once again and tell you that I love you.” And when I finally got the guts to speak it up, it may sound like a drunken rambling. However, that is actually a drunken truth. Once it has been spoken up, I would do anything to confirm that that person got my message well. And by that moment, I can guarantee that I am totally sober and can be blunt to tell that person about what I really feel inside and this feeling I have.


Kim Dong Ryul | source: www.opclick.com

Something that matters the most is always the hardest thing to say. For me personally, if this thing is really mean the most for you, then you would not just say it recklessly. You would need time to say it. You would need real bravery to confess it. You would need some true guts to speak it up. Since you have worries that it may not come out right. Since you have fears of how that person would react towards your confession. At times, alcohol helps you to overcome those worries and fears. It makes you care less about everything. It makes you worry less about the aftermath. Though you have to deal with it after you got sober, at least you finally say it. When someone needs to get drunk first before saying everything, it doesn’t mean that the thing is not true and real and sincere. On the other hand, it is because it is true and real and sincere hence they need something in order to be able to say it. Love is the prime example of this matter. Saying that we love someone may sound like a drunken truth; but a drunken is also a truth. It is coming from the deep of our heart.

“Just like this, I love you; even if my fumbling words may seem old-fashioned, and you may not believe me, but it is not just something that I recklessly say. Probably I will never do something like this again for the second time, but when the morning comes, I will hold you in my arms once again and tell you that I love you.” –Exhibition, Drunken Truth (취중진담)




그래 난 취했는지도 몰라 실수인지도 몰라 아침이면 까마득히 생각이 안 나
(Geurae nan cwihatneunjido molla silsuinjido molla achimimyeon ggamadeukhi saenggaki anna)
((That’s right, I may be drunk, and this might be a mistake; when the morning comes, I might forget everything and act like I don’t remember))
불안해할지도 몰라 하지만 꼭 오늘밤엔 해야할 말이 있어 약한 모습 미안해도
(Buranhaehaljido molla hajiman kkok oneulbamen haeyahal mari isseo yaghan moseub mianhaedo)
((And I might become really nervous around you, but there is something that I absolutely have to say tonight, so I apologize for showing you this weak side of me))
술 김에 하는 말이라 생각지는 마
(Sul gime haneun marira saengakjineun ma)
((But please don’t think that I’m saying it just because I’m drunk))

언제나 네앞에 서면 준비했었던 말도 왜 난 반대로 말해놓고
(Eonjena ne aphe seomyeon junbihaesseotdeon maldo wae nan bandaero malhaenohgo)
((Whenever I’m in front of you, I’ve been preparing myself to say this, but I always say the opposite thing))
돌아서 후회하는지 이젠 고백할게 처음부터 너를 사랑해 왔다고
(Doraseo huhwihaneunji ijen gobaekhalge cheoeum butheo neoreul saranghae wattdago)
((And then I turn around and regret that, but now I will confess to you that I have loved you since the beginning))

이렇게 널 사랑해 어설픈 나의 말이 촌스럽고 못미더워도 그냥 하는 말이 아냐
(Ireohke neol saranghae eoseolpheun naui mari chonseureobgo motmideowodo geunyang haneun mari anya)
((Just like this, I love you; even if my fumbling words may seem old-fashioned, and you may not believe me, but it is not just something that I recklessly say))
두 번 다시 이런 일 없을거야 아침이 밝아오면 다시 한 번 널 품에 안고 사랑한다 말할게
(Du beon dasi ireon il eobseul geoya achimi balkaomyeon dasi han beon neol phume ango saranghanda malhalge)
((Probably I will never do something like this again for the second time, but when the morning comes, I will hold you in my arms once again and tell you that I love you))

자꾸 왜 웃기만 하는거니 농담처럼 들리니 아무말도 하지 않고
(Jakku wae utgiman haneungeoni nong damcheoreom deullini amumaldo haji anhgo)
((Why do you just keep smiling? Does this all sound like a joke to you? Why are you not saying a word?))
어린애 보듯 날 바라보기만 하니
(Eorinae bodeut barabogiman hani)
((Why are you silently looking at me as if I’m a child?))

언제나 네앞에서면 준비했었던 말도 왜 난 반대로 말해놓고
(Eonjena ne aphe seomyeon junbihaesseotdeon maldo wae nan bandaero malhaenohgo)
((Whenever I’m in front of you, I’ve been preparing myself to say this, but I always say the opposite thing))
돌아서 후회하는지 이젠 고백할게 처음부터 너를 사랑해 왔다고
(Doraseo huhwihaneunji ijen gobaekhalge cheoeum butheo neoreul saranghae wattdago)
((And then I turn around and regret that, but now I will confess to you that I have loved you since the beginning))

이렇게 널 사랑해 어설픈 나의말이 촌스럽고 못미더워도 아무에게나 늘 이런 얘기하는 그런 사람은 아냐
(Ireohke neol saranghae eoseolpheun naui mari chonseureobgo motmideowodo amuegena reul ireon yaegi haneun geuron sarameun anya)
((Just like this, I love you; even if my fumbling words may seem old-fashioned, and you may not believe me, but I’m not a kind of person who says this kind of thing to just anyone))
너만큼이나 나도 참 어색해 너를 똑바로 쳐다볼 수 없어 자꾸만 아까부터 했던 말 또 해 미안해 하지만 오늘 난 모두 다 말할거야
(Neomankheumina nado cham eosaekhae neoreul ddokbaro chyeodabol su eobseo jakkuman akkabutheo hattdeon mal ddo hae mianhae hajiman oneul nan modu da malhalgeoya)
((I feel just as awkward as you are right now, I can’t even look at you straight in the eye, I’m sorry that I keep on repeating the same thing that I said earlier, but I’m going to tell you everything today))

이렇게 널 사랑해 어설픈 나의 말이 촌스럽고 못미더워도 그냥 하는 말이 아냐
(Ireohke neol saranghae eoseolpheun naui mari chonseureobgo motmideowodo geunyang haneun mari anya)
((Just like this, I love you; even if my fumbling words may seem old-fashioned, and you may not believe me, but it is not just something that I recklessly say))
두 번 다시 이런 일 없을거야 아침이 밝아오면 다시 한 번 널 품에 안고 사랑한다 말할게
(Du beon dasi ireon il eobseul geoya achimi balkaomyeon dasi han beon neol phume ango saranghanda malhalge)
((Probably I will never do something like this again for the second time, but when the morning comes, I will hold you in my arms once again and tell you that I love you))
널 사랑해
(Neol saranghae)
((I love you))
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


There is a fire burning our walls of trust.
There is a storm crushing our bridges of belief.

There is an uncertainty hanging on the air of love.
There is a fear spreading through the wave of lust.

There is a fully loaded gun pointing at our heads.
There is a sharpened knife threatening our necks.

It is all for not being able to speak the unspeakable truth.
It is all for not being able to tell the untold secret.
It is all for not being able to talk the hidden reality.
It is all for letting it all is left unsaid.

M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


I am just a freckle on the skin,
A piece of fragment,
A dust in the wind.

Who am I to come and ruin your perfect little life?
Who am I to break your door and wake you up at five?
Who am I to deceive you with all of my lies?
Who am I to cry on your shoulders and make you feel unsafe?

The thing about me is that I always have these layers,
Layers that you might not be able to unfold,
Layers that you might find hard to comprehend,
Layers that you might drive you insane.

The thing about me is that I am happy to be unhappy,
That I am satisfied to be devastated,
That I am craving for being miserable in misery,
That I am longing for being wrecked.

The thing about me is that I am addicted to pain,
That I am subjugated to affliction,
That I am subjected to suffering,
That I am attached to excruciation.

And the thing about you is that you are the one who could give it all.
And you know it.
You know it all too well.

I am the monster.
And you are the beast.

M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


I know what I would have been missed if I ever missed you.
I know what I will be missed of if I let go of you.
It is the long, deep, exhausting, and high emotionally cost conversations we share;
It is the enlightening discussions we have;
It is the weird, sarcastic, and paradoxical jokes we laugh at;
It is the heart-wrenching realities we cry for;
It is the beauty of how our different perspectives are entangled as one massive madness.
It is in the hot cup of tea we share every morning;
It is in the long ride on the motorcycle through the hard rain on our way back home;
It is in the warmth of our hands held together;
It is in the bed and blanket envelops us every night;
It is in the amenities of our bodies unified and our souls fused into one.

Not in a million years I’ll find some others like you to share this relationship that is full of quality,
And not in a million years too you will find another like me.
What we have is rare;
And we understand what we will be missing if we let go of it.

M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


You said those are my issues,
That you do not want to know anything about that,
That you do not want to know what will happen to me.

You said you will do that because you care,
But if you do not want to know,
Then how do you care?

You said you will do that because you want to save me,
But if you do not want to understand,
Then how do you save me?

You said you will do that because I’m worthy,
But if you do not want to know,
Then how am I worthy?

You said you will do that because I’m significant,
But if you do not want to understand,
Then how am I significant?

That night you said that I do not fit in the picture of your so-called future,
That you will do that for my sake,
But where is the sense in that?
That night you said that those are my issues hence you do not care,
That was the night when I realize that it is yourself you only care about,
That you only worry for your pain,
That you only afraid of being hurt on your own.

That night I felt an ultimate sadness, Dear,
As I realized that you do not love me for my whole package,
For all my issues and worries and doubts and fears,
While on the other hand,
I love you for your whole package,
From every bit of your laughter ‘til every drop of your tears.

You said you love me,
But if you leave me in the end,
Then how do you love?

M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


It was a Monday night before Valentine’s
When the skies grew darker in a sudden and a storm swept our hearts
We were drenched in emotion and rain began to fall from my eyes
As you cut my heart open and tore it in pieces with your words

It was that night on the terrace
When a river of thoughts was flowing from your mouth
A river that was drowning me in a depth of desperation and hollow
I felt like losing my religion and got nowhere to bow down to

Why do you have to ruin my February 14?
Guess I just can never got lucky on Valentine
Guess romance just doesn’t suit me to begin

M.F
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


Does love make you scared? Is love making you afraid? As a human, it is natural if we have some fears. However, I personally think that a fear of love is not one of them. When people say that they have a fear for love then probably they just do not realize that they are actually afraid of something else, but they cover it in the concept of love instead. It is just like when someone is afraid of losing the person they love, then it does not mean that they are afraid of love; it means that they are afraid of detachment instead. It is just like when someone is scared of getting in too deep with the person they love, then it does not mean that they are scared of love; it means that they are scared of commitment instead. I believe that it is not in the concept of love itself that is so terrifying for some people. On the other hand, I believe that what makes them terrified is the practical of love. It is not in the term of feeling; it is in the way their thoughts flow. And as a human myself, I do have fears toward many things. Though I understand that love is not one of them, I do have fears toward some aspects that are related to love, and romance relationship.

“I’m looking at you like that again, as if it’s the first time, as if I won’t see you when tomorrow comes. Love makes me so impatient like this; you’re the last moment of my life that i want to reach in the end.” –Sung Si Kyung, Somewhere Someday (어디선가 언젠가)

Today’s song lyric I would like to talk about it a Korean song titled “Somewhere Someday (어디선가 언젠가)”, performed by Korean balladeer, Sung Si Kyung. This pop ballad track was recorded as the original soundtrack for the famous Korean drama series, “Legend of the Blue Sea”. It was released on December 8th 2016 as a single album titled “Legend of the Blue Sea OST Part 5”. An official music video was uploaded onto 1theK official YouTube account on December 7th 2016. Sung Si Kyung, the King of Ballad, sang his soothing voice in a soft melodic track suited for the main characters couple in the drama series. It is a song about fears people have regarding to love and the romance relationship with their significant other; about being afraid just to think that we might lose that person somewhere; about being afraid just to think that the person might leave someday.


"Legend of the Blue Sea" single album cover | source: wiki.d-addicts.com

Do you have fear of losing something? A fear like that only comes to something we hold most dear. We love that thing so much that we are never ready to lose it. We care for that person so deep that we are never ready to lose them. We cherish that person sincerely that we are never ready to lose them. Hence fear comes as a package with love. When we love someone dearly, deeply, and sincerely, we fear of losing them. We fear of losing the feeling. We fear of losing ourselves when we are with that person. We fear of losing the togetherness we’ve had and shared with that person. Moreover, we fear of not being able to be the person who can fulfill them. We fear of not being able to be the person whom they want us to be. We fear of not being able to be the person who is good enough for them. We are afraid hence comes the insecurities. “I’m late again, it’s me the one who always makes you waiting, I always feel sorry whenever you’re smiling. Precious thing always makes me afraid, and you are my dearest that I’m having for the first time.”
Do you have fear of getting in too deep with something? A fear like that only comes to something we hold most dear. We love that thing so much that we are never ready to commit to it. We care for that person so deep that we are never ready to commit to them. We cherish that person sincerely that we are never ready to commit to it. Hence fear comes as a package with love. When we love someone dearly, deeply, and sincerely, we fear of committing to them. We fear of what’s to come. We fear of hurting and being hurt. We fear of goodbye. We fear of separation. Moreover, we fear of not being able to be the person who can make them stay. We fear of not being able to be the person who can assure them to always be with us. We fear of not being able to be the person who can love them better. We are scared hence comes the impatience. “I’m looking at you like that again, as if it’s the first time, as if I won’t see you when tomorrow comes. Love makes me so impatient like this; you’re the last moment of my life that i want to reach in the end.”
We fear of losing the person we love since we understand it all too well that it is the first time for us to feel the love that is so strong like this. We fear of committing to the person we love since we realize it all too well that the person is the only one we want to be with in the end. We fear because we love deeply and sincerely. “Somewhere, someday, I met you and fell in love; when I look at you as if you’re someone going far away, something inside of me keeps hurting. Somewhere, someday, I’m scared that we might have to get far apart and I have to forget you again, even when I’m holding your hand.” We do not even know since when it all started –the love and those fears as a package– but one thing that we are sure about is that nothing is coincidence. There has to be some reason why we meet and fall in love with that person. “There is no such thing as coincidence; it all has been decided like this.” There must be the reason why that person is the one who can make us feel love and fears at the same time, unlike any other people who just come and go.


A sad scene from "Legend of the Blue Sea" | source: www.allkpop.com

Perhaps the reason is because we’re finally meeting our what-so-called soulmate. It is someone whom we are destined to be bound together. It is someone whom probably we have met in our past life and fallen in love with. “You’re living somewhere inside of me. Even if I have to go back to the beginning, I’ll be at that place again. Let me look at you a bit closer once again, so that I can remember.” It is someone whom no matter how many times we’re born again, we will always meet and fall for them. It is always easy to start over with the one you hold most dear, indeed, even though the fear is inevitable. What if we get far apart again with that person? What if we have to forget that person again?  Those thoughts scare us even during the moment when we’re holding that person’s hand. As if we’re someone who loved them and said farewell to them at some point, it hurts inside us every time we see that person. However, we know it all too well that even if we have to live from the start, we’ll be there. We will always be there. We will always be here.

“Somewhere, someday, I met you and fell in love; when I look at you as if you’re someone going far away, something inside of me keeps hurting. Somewhere, someday, I’m scared that we might have to get far apart and I have to forget you again, even when I’m holding your hand.” –Sung Si Kyung, Somewhere Someday (어디선가 언젠가)



또 늦은 건 나야 널 기다리게 한 건 네가 웃는 순간마다 난 항상 미안해
(Tto neujeun geon naya neol gidarige han geon nega usneun sunganmada nan hangsang mianhae)
((I’m late again, it’s me the one who always makes you waiting, I always feel sorry whenever you’re smiling))
소중한 건 언제나 날 겁나게 만들어 넌 내가 처음 가져보는 내 제일 아픈 손가락
(Sojunghan geon eonjena nal geopnage mandeureo neon naega cheoeum gajyeoboneun nae jeil apeun songarak)
((Precious thing always makes me afraid, and you are my dearest that I’m having for the first time))

어디선가 언젠가 너를 만나 사랑하다 멀어져봤던 사람처럼 널 보면 내 안에 어딘가가 자꾸 아파
(Eodiseonga eonjenga neoreul manna saranghada meoreojyeobwassdeon saramcheoreom neol bomyeon nae ane eodingaga jakku apa)
((Somewhere, someday, I met you and fell in love; when I look at you as if you’re someone going far away, something inside of me keeps hurting))
어디선가 언젠가 우리 다시 멀어져 잊혀져야 할까 봐 두려워 너의 손을 잡고 있는 순간에도
(Eodiseonga eonjenga uri dasi meoreojyeo ijhyeojyeoya halkka bwa duryeowo neoui soneul japgo issneun sunganedo)
((Somewhere, someday, I’m scared that we might have to get far apart and I have to forget you again, even when I’m holding your hand))

또 그렇게 보네, 처음 보는 것처럼 내일이면 다시 못 볼 사람인 것처럼
(Tto geureohge bone, cheoeum boneun geoscheoreom naeirimyeon dasi mot bol saramin geoscheoreom)
((I’m looking at you like that again, as if it’s the first time, as if I won’t see you when tomorrow comes))
사랑은 날 이토록 조급하게 만들어 넌 내가 끝내 닿고 싶은 내 삶의 마지막 순간
(Sarangeun nal itorok jogeuphage mandeureo neon naega kkeutnae dahgo sipeun nae salmui majimak sungan)
((Love makes me so impatient like this, you’re the last moment of my life that i want to reach in the end))

어디선가 언젠가 너를 만나 사랑하다 멀어져봤던 사람처럼 널 보면 내 안에 어딘가가 자꾸 아파
(Eodiseonga eonjenga neoreul manna saranghada meoreojyeobwassdeon saramcheoreom neol bomyeon nae ane eodingaga jakku apa)
((Somewhere, someday, I met you and fell in love; when I look at you as if you’re someone going far away, something inside of me keeps hurting))
어디선가 언젠가 우리 다시 멀어져 잊혀져야 할까 봐 두려워 너의 손을 잡고 있는 순간에도
(Eodiseonga eonjenga uri dasi meoreojyeo ijhyeojyeoya halkka bwa duryeowo neoui soneul japgo issneun sunganedo)
((Somewhere, someday, I’m scared that we might have to get far apart and I have to forget you again, even when I’m holding your hand))

우연은 없는 말인 거야 이렇게 정해져 있잖아
(Uyeoneun eopsneun marin geoya ireohge jeonghaejyeo issjanha)
((There is no such thing as coincidence, it all has been decided like this))

내 안의 어딘가에 살고 있던 너
(Nae anui eodingae salgo issdeon neo)
((You’re living somewhere inside of me))
처음부터 살아야 한다 해도 아마 난 또 이곳에
(Cheoeumbuteo saraya handa haedo ama nan tto igose)
((Even if I have to go back to the beginning, I’ll be at that place again))
한 번 더 가까이 보자, 기억할 수 있게
(Han beon deo gakkai boja, gieokhal su issge)
((Let me look at you a bit closer once again, so that I can remember))
Wrote by Mashita Fandia
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