A Letter of Apology

dear my dear,
i know i’m such a difficult person to handle,
i often say words that i actually don’t want to say, harshly
i even ignore you and treat you with my silence, badly
don’t mean to make an excuse, but i’m only human and mistakes are things that define my humanity
never meant to do you wrong or hurt your feeling, but there are times when i do that unknowingly

i’m aware that i’m a person with many lacks in both physical looks and personality,
i often make you sick of me for i am short-tempered and annoying and hell-like moody,
i don’t even have pretty face and curvy sexy body that can drive a man crazy,
maybe i can never be enough for you, and my existence is making you bored heavily,
perhaps i’m just a nuisance for you, and my appearance will piss you off easily

i understand that i look somewhat pathetic for you right now,
but when you love someone,
if you think it is the right thing to do then you would do it anyway no matter what, right?
even if that thing is making you selfless, you would do it anyway,
for i always being taught that loving someone means placing that person above our own selfishness,
without losing ourselves in the process,
i’m just being me, and i’m sorry if that hurts you in a way,
i’m sorry if i still can’t understand you enough too, i know you’re just being you,
this is the way i love you, by learning to understand every bit of you, by giving it all,
don’t be afraid to take them all, because for me, you are the one who deserves to receive it

if my existence cannot bring a peace of mind for you, then push me away as you wish
if my appearance keeps being a nuisance for you, then neglect me all the way you want
if i cannot fulfill your needs and desire, then leave me for wandering out there as you please
if i do not have the ability to give a helping hand, then seek for  everything that you need
however dear,
what can i do when i want to be better, but i cannot have the chance to prove to you?
all that i can do is just praying that time will show you my effort to be deserved to deserve you;
and what can i do when your pride is built the wall so strong that i can’t get through?
all that i can do is just wishing you for the best of what you do and try to pursue;
most of all, dear,
what can i do when i miss you so, but you don’t want to see me?
all that i can do is just missing you and keep missing you, desperately

i’m sorry for being so ruthless and ignorant; so despicable that i don’t deserve your understanding,
i’m sorry for being so impatient and violent; so stubborn that i don’t deserve your patience,
i’m sorry for being born as a useless and troublesome human being,
i’m sorry for being born as a thoughtless and emotional person,
i do deserve to be ignored for days, i do deserve to be neglected all the ways
but i need you to remember,
i never meant to do you harm, and i always wait for you,
no matter how long you are going to take the time

i’m sorry for not having adorable appearance that makes you proud when people see you with me,
i’m sorry for not having money or driving a car, all that i can give to you is my time and company,
if i’m not that useless, you won’t feel so used, and for that, i apologize,
deeply sorry for making you feel like i’m taking advantages,

i know that saying sorry is not enough, it’s never will be
and i can never thank you enough for being my motivation to be a better me
all you should know is that you are the only person i always look for in the end of the day
and it’s not that i need you therefore i love you; it’s i need you because i love you, all the way

with love,


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