Unraveling (II)

Monday, March 07, 2016

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Last time I wrote about how far we would bend for our significant someone. This time I would like to write about something more complicated, a little bit more, though. Does love always this complicated? Well I guess it’s not love if it isn’t complicated. Why does love have to be this complicated? Well that’s the art of it. That’s the art of life: complication. Is it really love that is complicated, or is it just us, human, who make it as complicated as it is? Well I guess it’s because we’re human therefore we tend to make it complicated. Why? Because we think (and sometimes think too much) and we analyze (and overanalyze, most of the times) and we can never stop.
So, I would like to talk about fears. Someone told me that love gives us fears. Fears of what? Fears of losing it. Love brings comfort. Comfort brings attachment. Along with the attachment, there is a fear of detachment. But then, the same person also told me that fears come along with hopes. Hopes of what? I didn’t get a chance to ask him what he meant by that, but what I could interpret by that is that fears and hopes are like two sides of a coin. They come together as a package. There’s no hope without fear, and the other way around. Love gives us hopes and fears at the same time. If that’s how the way we’re thinking, then fear is inevitable. The thing is, how far we can manage ourselves to control it. Fears, hopes, don’t let them control us. On the other hand, we should be the one who takes control over them. Yes, easy to be said but very hard to do.
This is a story about a woman who loves a man. Yes, the same woman and man I’ve talked about last time. They have an agreement. The agreement, as well as a common agreement, it has terms and condition. More or less, the agreement says that the woman and the man are together, until a predetermined time limit, and when that time comes, they will go their separate ways. Okay, before we continue with the story, let’s take a flashback to how the agreement was made for the first time. I have to note that this flashback is important, very important, in order to reflect, and also as a reminder for both of them (in case one of them or maybe both of them forget), regarding to why and what purpose they have since the beginning of their ‘togetherness’. Here I write the flashback in italic and past tense:
The man loved the woman even before he realized it. The woman fell in love with the man years ago, and thought the feeling had totally gone since he left her devastated back then. However, the woman met the man again, only to realize that the feeling was never actually disappeared. Things were just like it used to be back then. Nothing had changed, apparently. Their souls were like old friends. No matter how long they had been separated, they got along so well within seconds once they bounced back to each other again. Thinking that they stood a chance to finally be together at that time, they took their ‘togetherness’ to another level, only to find that the ghost of the past was still haunting them. But both of them couldn’t deny their own feelings, and eventually the ghost of the past didn’t stop them to be together. They agreed not to chain their ‘togetherness’ into a common in-a-relationship commitment. They were together as lovers, as partners, but it was an open relationship, except for ‘one thing’. It was ‘one thing’ that there was an unspoken commitment they made for themselves that they did that ‘one thing’ only with each other.
So why did they decide to have that kind of ‘togetherness’? Because they were tired of commitments. They had too many fears regarding to commitment. Then the time went by and many things happened in between. Then, the ghost of the present came along with the ghost of the future. Again, the big storm rocked the ship. The man saw no future for them to be together. The woman was hopeless with the man’s perspective. She needed him, but she couldn’t reach him. Here at this point, the agreement was made. The woman felt that it needed to be made since she wanted to be with him. The man thought that it was pointless, because in the end it would rip him apart, eventually. The woman insisted. “Now or later, what hurts will still hurt. So why suffer now? Better later.” The man finally agreed, out of love and desperation. Undeniably, the force was strong between them.
Recently, the man tried to violate the agreement. He said, “We should stop it. You and me. The longer we cling to each other, the harder we push the self-destruct button.” Again, it’s fears. The woman and the man have had conversations about fears and hopes, many times. It seems like the man forgot. However, it makes the woman starting to wonder, is it really fears that drove him to say that? Or maybe, is it because of another thing? Since deep down inside, the woman is a very timid person, she begins to think that it’s just the man’s excuse, because she’s not enough for him. She has told him many times before, but perhaps he already forgot, that her confidence is not that big enough for her to feel that she deserves to receive love, moreover from a gorgeous, attractive, brilliant young man like him. A woman like her is gone forever when a man like him is saying goodbye. She’s just nothing compares to him.
The woman believes that they can end their ‘togetherness’ in a good term when the time finally comes. She knows she can’t ask for too much from the man. At all cost, she only asks for the man to patiently stick with the agreement. Since they only have a little time, she wants to make the best out of it; memories to be cherished in the future. She screwed up many times before, with those other men, and she doesn’t want the same thing to happen with this man. If it has to come to an end, then she wants to end it in a good term, at the time which they had settled in the agreement. Meanwhile, she loves him for free, for his whole package, until that time comes. She doesn’t ask for his lifetime; she only asks for months of his life; is that too much to ask?
That’s the story I can tell for now. In my point of view, both the woman and the man have so many fears, but they have different kind of fears. The man fears of being devastated. He can’t handle such emotional cost. The woman fears of a sudden goodbye. She can’t handle such damage, not anymore. Both of them fear of losing something real. They can’t handle such mental breakdown. A big difference lies in the way they deal with their own fears. The man tries as hard as he can to not giving care, while the woman decides to cherish every moment they spend together. This difference creates friction between them. Love means how far we would bend for that significant someone, right? Would the woman bend for the man, by giving less care? Or would the man bend for the woman, by trying to cherish every moment in the little time they have? Could they find a way for their bending to meet in the middle? They should find a way. There’s always a way.

“I will leave my heart at the door,
I won’t say a word, they’ve all been said before, you know
So why don’t we just play pretend,
Like we’re not scared of what is coming next or scared of having nothing left?
Look, don’t get me wrong, I know there is no tomorrow
All I ask is… if this is my last night with you,
Hold me like I’m more than just a friend,
Give me a memory I can use,
Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do,
It matters how this ends, ‘cause what if I never love again?

I don’t need your honesty,
It’s already in your eyes and I’m sure my eyes, they speak for me
No one knows me like you do,
And since you’re the only one that matters, tell me who do I run to?
Look, don’t get me wrong, I know there is no tomorrow
All I ask is… if this is my last night with you,
Hold me like I’m more than just a friend,
Give me a memory I can use,
Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do,
It matters how this ends, ‘cause what if I never love again?

Let this be our lesson in love, let this be the way we remember us,
I don’t wanna be cruel or vicious, and I ain’t asking for forgiveness,
All I ask is… if this is my last night with you,
Hold me like I’m more than just your friend,
Give me a memory that I can use,
Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do,
It matters how this ends, ‘cause what if I never love again?”

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