Dialectic of Feelings (I)

source: hplyrikz.com

The other night, over coffee and cigarettes, I had a talk with my mom about love life and romance. One of them was about how ironic it is that somehow we always fall for someone who doesn’t love us back, yet on the other hand, we don’t fall for someone who’s in love with us. “Perhaps that’s why you’re still single until now,” she said. “Maybe,” I answered reluctantly, with so many thoughts came across my mind at that time. “Don’t worry, it’s just about timing,” and then she closed her statement with a mother-like advice, “Right now, just focus on your study and work. Love will come along eventually. You got my blessed and prayer, always.”
Well, okay, that sentence was supposed to be the closing statement, yet I couldn’t help but continue talking. “Here comes another thing though; we fall for someone who does love us back, yet he doesn’t love us completely. I mean, well, he said he loves us, but apparently we’re not his first priority.” She smiled, “That sounds familiar.” I smirked, “No, you’re still the first priority.” She laughed, “Oh well, we’re talking about you now, sorry I almost forgot.” I sulked, “No, we’re talking about general matters here, okay?” Still laughing, she said, “Calm down, I won’t ask who he is.” And regarding to this matter, she responded, “As I grow old I learn that it’s wiser to choose to be with a person who loves you rather than the person you love.”
Then the conversation went:
Me: “Well, I can’t, Mom. I cannot be with a person whom I don’t love.”
Mom: “Love grows, honey. Witing tresno jalaran saka kulino. Classic, indeed, yet it’s true.”
Me: “I mean, if I don’t have any interest in the first place toward the person, I can’t open my heart for him, at all. It’s like an automatic barricade built around. But, if I have interest, no matter who falls in love first, I or he, then I can be with him. For me, witing tresno jalaran saka kulino starts from there. When I have an interest since the beginning, then it’s just the matter of time for me to fall in love for him.”
Mom: “That’s the idea of love, isn’t it? Take and give.”
Me: “Yes. But that doesn’t answer the problem about priority.”
Mom: “Well, if you’re not his priority, then he’s not that into you. If he’s not that into you, then he’s not the one. For me, that’s that simple, honey.”
Me: “What if I’m that into him?”
Mom: “Be careful, honey. I don’t wanna scare you, but you’re a grown up now, and you’ve seen how reality goes.”
Me: “Yeah. I guess I got the answer.”

Above is just a little part of our midnight conversation some nights ago, first time after a while. Somehow, that reminds me of other conversation I had with a friend of mine some time ago. Still, the topic is love life and romance. And of course, still about love and priority.
Mo: “I always wonder whether people really can’t love one person at a time, whole and completely. It makes me curious.”
Me: “No, perhaps. Because people are fragmented. And just like you said yourself, love is irrational.”
Mo: “I never have a person who loves me completely. Even from my parents. So it becomes traumatic. Yes, it’s hard to deal with fragments for an essentialist person like me. I wonder too about the impact towards relationship. Always makes me in awe.”
Me: “And so do I. But, it’s more like this to me, maybe when a person, it could be anyone including the parents, loves us, they love us completely in the concept that they do love us as a whole person. However, when it comes to priority, at this point I feel that I’ve never been the priority. Cinta sih, tapi terus apa? Kalau bukan prioritas ya sedih juga.And how about the impact towards relationship for you? For me, I’ve become skeptical.”
Mo: “I’ve become sick … and masochistic.”

Well, at least I know I’m not alone. Her words somehow echoed inside my head, “I always wonder whether people really can’t love one person at a time, whole and completely.” After all, no one wants their love to be divided. Whole and completely, is that too hard to achieve? Apparently, it is for me, since I’ve never known how it feels to be loved completely and undivided. Whole and completely, is that too hard to give? For me, it’s not. And this is where things get complicated, when I love, I tend to love completely and undivided. And the result is? Unbalance. Different level of disclosure. Sick and masochistic. Yet addictive and intoxicating.
Me: “It seems like a human’s nature to self-abuse.”
Mo: “Not really. But, it’s not as simple as being said, even when we say that it’s the principal. Cross the line. We say we won’t cross, but we do.”
Me: “Yes, that’s true. I’ve crossed the line many times. Not sure anymore whether there’s still a line. Everything seems so vague now.”
Mo: “It’s not. It’s reality.”
And here lies the “reality”. Everything is coming back to it. Reality. My friend said it. My mom said it. I said it.

But I’m only human, and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human, and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart‘Cause I’m only human
-Christina Perri, Human

Well, apparently I’m only human. That song has been stuck inside my head for a week, more or less, like it has never been before. Perhaps it’s true that we won’t get attached to a certain song until we feel related to its lyrics. Already know that I’m not the first priority yet I still choose to fall deeper. I’m only human after all. Still being hurt though I already know that I will anyway. Yes, I’m only human, indeed. Your words in my head have become knives in my heart. That’s okay. That’s what I have to deal with. It’s reality.
Besides, Perri said that this song is about self-forgiveness. Well, I’ll take this as a self-reminder to forgive myself then. I’m only human after all.
But, just like another friend of mine said to me last night,
“Yang diinget senengnya aja, Mash.”


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