Archive for October 2015

This is the last day of October, which means this will be the last post for Male Special Part 2: Ways of Being A Man, as well as the very last post of two-parts Male Special this year. October has been a roller-coaster month. Though it wasn’t all bad, apparently October is still not my month. I remember I cried many times because of many things. I also remember I laughed at many good things too. Sadness and happiness are quite well-balanced, though the sadness get to the saddest point, yet the happiness doesn’t get to the happiest. Well, I guess we just can’t get both at the same time, right? Anyway, big things happened this month. And some life-changing moments happened too. Therefore October will always be a remarkable month for me. Here it is, the last song for this Male Special, is a song titled “She”, performed by Elvis Costello. Apparently, there are certain ways a woman wants to be loved by a man. And this song probably sums up everything.

“She, may be the beauty or the beast, may be the famine or the feast, may turn each day into a heaven or a hell. She may be the mirror of my dreams, a smile reflected in a stream. She may not be what she may seem inside her shell.” –Elvis Costello, She [OST. Notting Hill]

Originally, “She” is a song written by Charles Aznavour and Herbert Kretzmer and released by Aznavour as a single in 1974. The pop song was written as a theme tune for the British TV series, “Seven Faces of Woman”. In 1999, Elvis Costello recorded a cover version of the song for the soundtrack to the film “Notting Hill”.

“She” might be sung by a man, yet from my point of view, this song lyrically describes how a woman wants her man to feel about her. Not only to be loved with all of his heart, but a woman also wants to be adored; not only for all of her beauty and goodness, but also for all of her flaws. “She, may be the face I can’t forget, a trace of pleasure or regret, may be my treasure or the price I have to pay. She may be the song that summer sings, may be the chill that autumn brings, may be a hundred different things, within the measure of a day.” Not only to be accepted for all of her, but a woman also wants to be understood; not only for all the joy she brings, but also for all of the pain and sorrow she may cause. “She, may be the beauty or the beast, may be the famine or the feast, may turn each day into a heaven or a hell. She may be the mirror of my dreams, a smile reflected in a stream. She may not be what she may seem inside her shell.”

A real man will not only love his woman in his own way, but also in the way she wants to be loved. Not only to be praised, but also to be remembered. Not only to be forgiven, but also to be desired. “She who always seems so happy in a crowd, whose eyes can be so private and so proud, no one’s allowed to see them when they cry. She may be the love that cannot hope to last, may come to me from shadows of the past, that I’ll remember till the day I die.” Not only to be protected, but also to be fought for. Not only to be with during the good days, but also during the bad times. A woman wants to be the gravity, the purpose, to be loved completely and undivided, to be the safe haven. “She, may be the reason I survive, the why and wherefore I’m alive, the one I’ll care for through the rough and ready years. Me, I’ll take her laughter and her tears, and make them all my souvenirs, for where she goes I’ve got to be, the meaning of my life is she.”

Costello’s version was released as a single in 1999, taken from the album “Notting Hill: Music from the Motion Picture”. His rendition is a pop ballad with an element of soft rock. In the movie, the song was featured over the opening and closing credits, making it famous as one of signature theme songs for “Notting Hill” up to nowadays.

“She, may be the reason I survive, the why and wherefore I’m alive, the one I’ll care for through the rough and ready years. Me, I’ll take her laughter and her tears, and make them all my souvenirs, for where she goes I’ve got to be, the meaning of my life is she.” –Elvis Costello, She [OST. Notting Hill]

“She, may be the face I can’t forget, a trace of pleasure or regret

May be my treasure or the price I have to pay

She may be the song that summer sings, may be the chill that autumn brings

May be a hundred different things, within the measure of a day

She, may be the beauty or the beast, may be the famine or the feast

May turn each day into a heaven or a hell

She may be the mirror of my dreams, a smile reflected in a stream

She may not be what she may seem inside her shell

She who always seems so happy in a crowd, whose eyes can be so private and so proud

No one’s allowed to see them when they cry

She may be the love that cannot hope to last, may come to me from shadows of the past

That I’ll remember till the day I die

She, may be the reason I survive, the why and wherefore I’m alive

The one I’ll care for through the rough and ready years

Me, I’ll take her laughter and her tears, and make them all my souvenirs

For where she goes I’ve got to be, the meaning of my life is she, she, she”

Wrote by Mashita Fandia

People say that soul mates are connected by hearts. Somehow, they seem to be able to read each other’s mind; a special and rare connection we can find. I myself am not a person of words when it comes to a face-to-face communication with the person I love. Instead, I’m more a person of action. I show my affection through actions. Therefore people used to say that I’m acting like a boy when it comes to that matter, because mostly, boys are the people of action. They talk less and do more. Okay, back to the ‘connection’ thing, two people who are connected by hearts don’t need many words to say between them. Sometimes, gestures are enough. This is in today’s song for Male Special Part 2: Ways of Being A Man, “When You Say Nothing At All”, performed by Irish singer-songwriter and Boyzone frontman, Ronan Keating.

“It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart. Without saying a word, you can light up the dark. Try as I may, I could never explain what I hear when you don’t say a thing.” –Ronan Keating, When You Say Nothing At All [OST. Notting Hill]

“When You Say Nothing at All” was released as the debut solo single by Ronan Keating. The song was recorded in 1999 especially for the soundtrack to the film “Notting Hill”, with the single was released on July 26th 1999. The soft rock track is a cover of Keith Whitley’s country song released in 1988. It was written by Paul Overstreet and Don Schlitz.

Have you ever felt this kind of connection, the inexplicable one, like when your gaze meets someone’s among the crowd and then suddenly you just feel like you’ve known that person for a long time, while matter of fact, you don’t even know that person yet? Well, I have. And when you get to actually know that person, everything is just exactly like you’ve been feeling. And that feels amazing. “It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart. Without saying a word, you can light up the dark. Try as I may, I could never explain what I hear when you don’t say a thing.” Lyrically, “When You Say Nothing At All” speaks about that kind of connection between two people. It’s amazingly rare, when you meet someone through a gaze and time feels like just freeze at the moment. “All day long I can hear people talking out loud. But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd. Try as they may, they can never define what’s been said between your heart and mine.”

At times, silent speaks louder than words. I’ve mentioned before that when you get to actually know the person you feel connected to, everything is just exactly like you’ve been feeling; it feels like you’ve known that person for a long time already. That kind of connection builds a comfort. When two people are comfortable with each other, sometimes there are no words could be found to define what they feel. “The smile on your face lets me know that you need me. There’s a truth in your eyes saying you’ll never leave me. The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me wherever I fall. You say it best when you say nothing at all.” Perhaps their souls have already known each other since the life before them. Perhaps they’re two separated entities that have finally found each other. They speak with their minds. They communicate with all their bodies. They can read each other’s signs without missing anything out. That thing is rare, so when you find it, don’t let go.

Keating’s version of “When You Say Nothing At All” later became a part of his first studio album, “Ronan”, which was released on July 31th 2000. Beside Keating’s and Whitley’s version, one of the most popular covers of the song is also the one performed by Alison Krauss. Indeed, a beautiful and sincere song will always find its way in the world to be remembered.

“All day long I can hear people talking out loud. But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd. Try as they may, they can never define what’s been said between your heart and mine.” –Ronan Keating, When You Say Nothing At All [OST. Notting Hill]

“It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart, without saying a word, you can light up the dark

Try as I may, I could never explain what I hear when you don’t say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me

There’s a truth in your eyes saying you’ll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me wherever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud, but when you hold me near you drown out the crowd
Try as they may, they can never define what’s been said between your heart and mine

That smile on your face, the truth in your eyes

The touch of your hand, lets me know that you need me

You say it best when you say nothing at all”

Wrote by Mashita Fandia

source: hisandherquotes

“I want to be with you, so much, I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know what to say.”

Finally, I’ve said those words to him. The night before I said that to him, he asked me about how I see our relationship. Well, my answer was a very long explanation; a journey of my mixed-feelings toward him. But then, I remembered my lecturer said to me that when we can’t explain things simply, then it means that we don’t truly understand about those things. So I tried to sum up my long explanation in one sentence. I gathered up my courage, which wasn’t easy, at all. And he knew it; therefore I was very thankful for his patience. “Something sincere cannot come out easily from my mouth,” I said to him. And he waited. After some time, I said those words. I want to be with him, so much, (until) I don’t know what to do and what to say.

I don’t know why, but reality seems very harsh on us. I don’t even understand why I’ve just written that reality is hard on us. That night he asked me, “Do you have fear?” Well now, who doesn’t? “Care and fear come in one package,” he said. We care, therefore we fear. He said that we fear of losing the care. Well I guess everything regarding to feelings is coming in one package of two polar opposites; paradoxical yet inseparable. It’s reality. I didn’t answer him that night. Too many things came across my head at that time. That was too much to bear. I do have a lot of fears. No, not only a fear of losing the care he gave to me all this time. I fear of losing him. Most of all, I fear of not knowing whether I’m already losing him. Have I already lost him?

After all, we’re all afraid of losing someone we care about to someone else. Well, at least I do. I fear of losing him to someone else. At times, I do regret the way I didn’t respond to anything he said and done to me. He said many things that night. Meanwhile, I couldn’t speak anything at all, even grateful words, even an apology. I owe him so much. I only wish that my kiss could answer everything. I’m only human, with a lot of fears. About that thing too. I’m terrified, though I always try so hard to not showing my anxiety in front of him. I was being calm and not panic, for him, only for him, while I was trembling inside. I might be calm, very calm, and even cold, perhaps. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. Truth to be told, I care so much, and it scares me off. What if I’m the one who has made him in pain? What if I’m the one who has turned him into, like that? And other what-if questions keep on haunting my mind. And I know he thought about that too, he was bothered by those questions too, though he tried so hard to not bringing it into the conversation. Therefore I was thankful, yet also deeply sorry for him.

I believe that Love is not supposed to strangle someone; it’s supposed to free them. I believe that Love is not supposed to make someone feel burdened; it’s supposed to make them feel safe. I believe that Love is not supposed to bother someone; it’s supposed to protect them. I believe that Love is not supposed to make someone feel guilty; it’s supposed to make them feel relieved. And I want my love for him to be like that. That is how much I care for him. It’s okay though if I were the one who’s being strangled by our love; if I were the one who’s being burdened; if I were the one who’s being bothered; if I were the one who’s feeling guilty; it’s alright. That is how much I care for him. I would like to take all the blame. He has carried too much. So I want to carry this one -burden, guilt, anything- for him, for us, because like he always says, “We’re both in it together.” And like I’ve said to him, “Things I do for love.”

I wake up in the morning, put on my face, the one that’s gonna get me through another day

Doesn’t really matter how I feel inside, this life is like a game sometimes

But then you came around me, the walls just disappeared, nothing to surround me

And keep me from my fears, I’m unprotected, see how I’ve opened up, you’ve made me trust

I’m trying to remember why I was afraid to be myself and let the covers fall away

Guess I’ve never had someone like you, to help me fit in my skin

I’ve never felt this before, I’m naked around you, does it show

You see right through me and I can’t hide, I’m naked around you, and it feels so right

-Avril Lavigne, Naked

Like what Lavigne sang in that song, being naked in front of someone is about letting him come into our fears and dreams, and that’s a great deal, more than just taking our clothes off and getting laid. Being naked in front of him is about letting him break through my wall of barricade I’ve built all over the years. He has seen me. I used to be cynical and skeptical toward care, yet he pulled me off, making me feel less cynical and less skeptical, somehow. Being naked is about being opened up; disclosure; every stories and feelings, the deepest and the worst.

I guess there’s nothing left to say, because everything will eventually lead to those words I said to him that night,

“I want to be with you, so much, I don’t what to do, and I don’t know what to say.”

Wrote by Mashita Fandia

We were busy growing up, sometimes without realizing that our parents, our grandparents, they were getting old too. And suddenly there is one day when we come to understand, that sooner or later we got to let them go. I lost someone today. Someone I hold most dear. Someone I cherish. Someone I love with all my heart and soul. My precious. My Granny. Someone said to me, when a person died, it’s not only that person who actually died, but also the people around. I saw many people died tonight, along with my Granny. Including me, my Mom, my little brother, my Uncle. Basically everyone here tonight. My little brother was crying like a baby in my embrace, and that was the first time I ever saw him crying like that since he was born. My Mom, well, she lost her mother. I couldn’t imagine how devastated she was. And it was breaking my heart to see her like that. Today’s song for Male Special Part 2: Ways of Being A Man is specially dedicated to my late Granny; “In Loving Memory” by Alter Bridge. It might be out of theme since Alter Bridge is a band instead of solo singer, yet I don’t care. Exceptional occasion needs an exceptional measure. In terms of purely personal significance, we cannot get any deeper than that, even for a tough guy like my little brother, or my Uncle.

“Thanks for all you’ve done. I’ve missed you for so long. I can’t believe you’re gone. You still live in me. I feel you in the wind, you guide me constantly. I’ve never knew what it was to be alone, no, ‘cause you were always there for me, you were always home waiting. And I’ll come home and I miss your face so, smiling down on me, I close my eyes to see.” –Alter Bridge, In Loving Memory

“In Loving Memory” was released on August 10th 2004 as a part of Alter Bridge’s debut studio album, "One Day Remains". Although never released as a single, this rock ballad track is one of the band’s most popular songs among fans and is performed frequently in concert. The band’s guitarist, Mark Tremonti, wrote the song about the death of his mother. In an interview with MTV, he said, “It is definitely a sad, but uplifting song.”

Lyrically, well, what more can I say? “In Loving Memory” speaks about the longing we feel for someone who had passed away. Somehow, I believe that someone who passed away, particularly someone significant for us, is actually never leave. Their souls might have left their bodies, yet they’re still here; living in our hearts and memories. For the strong connection we shared, we know that they’re watching over us. “Thanks for all you’ve done. I’ve missed you for so long. I can’t believe you’re gone. You still live in me. I feel you in the wind, you guide me constantly.” They’re forever a part of us. Their kindness, warmth, and love they gave to the world, we keep them all and cherish it for the rest of our lives. We’ll bring it until forever and for always. “I carry the things that remind me of you, in loving memory of the one that was so true. You were as kind as you could be, and even though you’re gone, you still mean the world to me.”

There are three stages of longing. The first one is reminiscing, and that’s what I’ve explained above. The second stage is missing. Well, when someone significant for us is gone, something has changed. It’s inevitable. Something will be missing. Something will be lost. Something will never be the same again as before. “I’ve never knew what it was to be alone, no, ‘cause you were always there for me, you were always home waiting. And I’ll come home and I miss your face so, smiling down on me, I close my eyes to see.” It feels empty. When it’s already empty, then it will feel emptier. I always hate funeral. It always make me feel empty. But this time is different; it feels emptier. I guess because I already know that it will be different from now. “I’ve never knew what it was to be alone, no, ‘cause you were always there for me, you were always home waiting. But now I come home and it’s not the same, no. It feels empty and alone, I can’t believe you’re gone.”

The last stage is accepting. She’s in the better place. Someone said to me tonight. Don’t worry. I’m not worried. I’m just sad. But I’m glad, though, at some point. Because, well, he’s right. She’s been relieved from her pain and sorrow. And yes, I believe that she’s in the better place right now. “I’m glad He set you free from sorrow. I’ll still love you more tomorrow, and you will be here with me still. All you did, you did with feeling, and you always found the meaning, and you always will.” At this point I remember this song. And somehow, listening to it comforts me. My Granny might not lead a perfect life, yet she’s a perfect grandmother for me. The way she smiled, the sound of her soft voice called my name, the warm touch of her hands, the way she talked and walked; she’ll be missed in loving memory. “And I know, you’re a part of me, and it’s your song that sets me free. I sing it while I feel I can’t hold on. I sing tonight, ‘cause it comforts me.”

Tremonti wrote and composed “In Loving Memory” along with his band members, Myles Kennedy, Brian Marshall, and Scott Phillips. It also features string arrangements by David Campbell. First time I recognized this song was during my junior high school days. When I was 16, this song became the theme of my Grandpa’s death. And now, the moment is coming again tonight. Well, rest in peace, Granny. How’s the afterlife? I hope it’s wonderful.

“I carry the things that remind me of you, in loving memory of the one that was so true. You were as kind as you could be, and even though you’re gone, you still mean the world to me. I’ve never knew what it was to be alone, no, ‘cause you were always there for me, you were always home waiting. But now I come home and it’s not the same, no. It feels empty and alone, I can’t believe you’re gone.” –Alter Bridge, In Loving Memory

“Thanks for all you’ve done, I’ve missed you for so long, I can’t believe you’re gone

You still live in me, I feel you in the wind, you guide me constantly

I’ve never knew what it was to be alone, no

‘Cause you were always there for me, you were always home waiting

And I’ll come home and I miss your face so

Smiling down on me, I close my eyes to see

And I know, you’re a part of me, and it’s your song that sets me free

I sing it while I feel I can’t hold on, I sing tonight ‘cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you, in loving memory of the one that was so true

You were as kind as you could be, and even though you’re gone, you still mean the world to me

I’ve never knew what it was to be alone, no

‘Cause you were always there for me, you were always home waiting

But now I come home and it’s not the same, no

It feels empty and alone, I can’t believe you’re gone

I’m glad He set you free from sorrow, I’ll still love you more tomorrow

And you will be here with me still

All you did you did with feeling, and you always found the meaning

And you always will, and you always will, and you always will”

Wrote by Mashita Fandia

Okay, basically I don’t like desperate things, yet pardon me because the title up there sounds so desperate; how am I supposed to live without you? Well, why do I hate desperate things? Because desperate things are identical with women, and I hate that perception. Men can be so desperate too, even more than women, at times. Why cannot men be desperate? They’re human too, after all. The legendary American singer-songwriter, Michael Bolton, proved that through his hits titled “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You”. The idea of love itself is desperate. The more people love, the more they got desperate. Those who love more, they got desperate more. Moreover, it’s when the love is unrequited. Perhaps that’s the most desperate form of love; unrequited ones. It’s funny how people can’t live without the person who can live just well without them. It’s ironic how people can’t stop loving a person who doesn’t love them back. How desperate that is, isn’t that? Here is today’s song for Male Special Part 2: Ways of Being A Man: “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You”, performed by Michael Bolton.

“I could hardly believe it when I heard the news today. I had to come and get it straight from you. They said you were leaving; someone’s swept your heart away. From the look upon your face, I see it’s true. So tell me all about it. Tell me about the plans you’re making, then tell me one thing more before I go. Tell me, how am I supposed to live without you?” –Michael Bolton, How Am I Supposed to Live Without You

“How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” was written by Michael Bolton himself along with Doug James in 1983. Since then, the ballad track has been recorded by many artists around the world, in several languages, becoming something of a modern pop standard. Bolton recorded his own version of the song for his sixth studio album, “Soul Provider”, which was released on June 19th 1989. On January 2nd 1990, the song was released as the second single taken from the album. Bolton’s own rendition became his biggest hit, reaching number one on both the Billboard Hot 100 and Adult Contemporary charts in 1990.

Lyrically, “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” speaks about someone who lost their love to someone else. “I could hardly believe it when I heard the news today. I had to come and get it straight from you. They said you were leaving; someone’s swept your heart away. From the look upon your face, I see it’s true. So tell me all about it. Tell me about the plans you’re making, then tell me one thing more before I go. Tell me, how am I supposed to live without you?” Have you ever had an unrequited love? Well, it sucks. You can’t just stop the feeling. You can’t help but keep on hoping. You can’t just confess the feeling. You can’t help but being hurt and disappointed. Most of all, there’s no one left to blame but yourself. Because when it comes to unrequited love, it’s every man for himself. You have to deal with your own feelings. It kills you, yet you can do nothing about that. “I didn’t come here for crying, didn’t come here to break down. It’s just a dream of mine is coming to an end. And how can I blame you, when I build my world around the hope that one day we’d be so much more than friends? And I don’t wanna know the price I’m gonna pay for dreaming, when even now it’s more than I can take.”

Is there really no free lunch in this world? Is everything coming with a price to pay? People say that love is a pure thing. Is it still that pure when there’s a price to pay for that? For every unrequited love out there, there’s a broken heart to pay for it. “And I don’t wanna face the price I’m gonna pay for dreaming. Now that your dream has come true.” I think it’s funny how at some point, some people find their hearts are broken while at the same time love is blossoming for other people. Perhaps that’s the price for an unrequited love. For every love that comes true, there’s a broken heart out there. “Tell me how am I supposed to live without you, now that I’ve been loving you so long? How am I supposed to live without you? How am I supposed to carry on, when all that I’ve been living for is gone?” I also think that it’s funny how a certain person could become the world for someone, while at the same time that someone doesn’t even mean anything for that certain person. Unrequited love is a dangerous thing, indeed; sharper than a knife, and crueler than a killer. Moreover, when that unrequited love has been lasting for so long. It could kill faster and would take away the world, making us feel like dying.

Michael Bolton became the first foreign legend that has made an appearance in the South Korea’s entertainment music program, “Immortal Songs 2: Singing the Legend”. He appeared as the legend on episode 169. The Michael Bolton special episode was broadcasted by KBS television station on October 18th 2014, and by KBS World channel on November 8th 2014. “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” was one of the songs in the playlist, performed by male soloist, Moon Myung Jin. Moon’s soulful R n’ B rendition of the song mesmerized not only the audience but also the legend himself. What a beautifully heart-wrenching performance!

“I didn’t come here for crying, didn’t come here to break down. It’s just a dream of mine is coming to an end. And how can I blame you, when I build my world around the hope that one day we’d be so much more than friends? And I don’t wanna know the price I’m gonna pay for dreaming, when even now it’s more than I can take.” –Michael Bolton, How Am I Supposed to Live Without You

“I could hardly believe it when I heard the news today

I had to come and get it straight from you

They said you were leaving, someone’s swept your heart away

From the look upon your face, I see it’s true

So tell me all about it, tell me about the plans you’re making

Then tell me one thing more before I go

Tell me how am I supposed to live without you, now that I’ve been loving you so long

How am I supposed to live without you, how am I supposed to carry on

When all that I’ve been living for is gone

I didn’t come here for crying, didn’t come here to break down

It’s just a dream of mine is coming to an end

And how can I blame you, when I build my world around

The hope that one day we’d be so much more than friends

And I don’t wanna know the price I’m gonna pay for dreaming

When even now it’s more than I can take

And I don’t wanna face the price I’m gonna pay for dreaming

Now that your dream has come true”

Wrote by Mashita Fandia

Well, there’s a hello and there’s a goodbye. People come and go in our lives. They said hello toward us and eventually will say goodbye. However, there are some people in our lives who said hello, but never actually say goodbye to us. They come, but never actually leave. Perhaps a goodbye always means separation, yet separation doesn’t always mean they’re gone, like forever. People may leave, but somehow the feeling will remain. Most women feel that. Even men feel that too. Even at times, a man could be more melancholy than a woman when it comes to a goodbye. They might be looked just fine on the outside, yet they’re devastated in the inside. As today’s song for Male Special Part 2: Ways of Being A Man, here is the song about the feeling of a man who faces a goodbye with his beloved one: “Can’t Stop Loving You” by Phil Collins. For there’s no goodbye that’s not painful, even for the toughest man in the world, indeed.

“So you’re leaving in the morning on the early train. I could say everything’s alright, and I could pretend and say goodbye. Got your ticket, got your suitcase, got your leaving smile. I could say that’s the way it goes, and I could pretend, and you won’t know that I was lying.” –Phil Collins, Can’t Stop Loving You

Released on October 28th 2002, “Can’t Stop Loving You” was served as the lead single taken from the seventh solo studio album of English singer Phil Collins, “Testify”. The album is the final album to feature original material by Collins, before retiring in 2011. The song is a cover of Leo Sayer’s 1978 hit titled “I Can’t Stop Loving You (Though I Try)”.

There’s no goodbye that’s not painful. Most of all, when we have to say goodbye towards the person we hold most dear. Even when we know that we have to say goodbye for the sake of that person’s good, still it’s hard to do. Lyrically, “Can’t Stop Loving You” is a song about saying that goodbye, from the perspective of the person who is being left behind; the person who have to let go. I’ve let go so many times before, yet it was never easy to do it in the next time. “So you’re leaving in the morning on the early train. I could say everything’s alright, and I could pretend and say goodbye. Got your ticket, got your suitcase, got your leaving smile. I could say that’s the way it goes, and I could pretend, and you won’t know that I was lying.” The art of letting go is never easy, I always say that. Probably you’ve got bored of that sentence already, but that’s true, so I keep saying it. We fake smiles, we force a laugh, and we try so hard to steady our voices, so that it won’t break, so that the tears won’t stream down, so that we won’t crumble apart.

“We took a taxi to the station, not a word was said. And I saw you walk across the road for maybe the last time, I don’t know. Feeling humble, I heard a rumble on the railway track. And when I hear that whistle blow, I’ll walk away and you won’t know, that I’ll be crying.” At times, separation doesn’t change anything regarding to feeling. No matter how hard we try to keep it together, eventually we will crumble apart after that person leaves. Until we meet again; those words are hopeful yet painful at the same time, because we never know when that time will come. However, still, we can’t help but keeping the feeling. Separation doesn’t change anything when it comes to love. “Cause I can’t stop loving you. No I can’t stop loving you. No I won’t stop loving you. Why should I even try?” For the person who is being left behind, there is nothing left but waiting. We keep on waiting while longing, longing while waiting, all over again. “I’ll always be here by your side. I never wanted to say goodbye. I’m always here if you change your mind.”

“Can’t Stop Loving You” was written by Billy Nicholls. Collins re-arranged it into a pop rock track for his version. The song received commercial success. The youngster generation even knows this song as an originally Collins’, including me. I’ve just known that this song is a remake after digging some information for this post. What a generation gap.

“So you’re leaving in the morning on the early train

I could say everything’s alright, and I could pretend and say goodbye

Got your ticket, got your suitcase, got your leaving smile

I could say that’s the way it goes, and I could pretend, and you won’t know that I was lying

‘Cause I can’t stop loving you, no I can’t stop loving you

No I won’t stop loving you, why should I?

We took a taxi to the station, not a word was said

And I saw you walk across the road for maybe the last time, I don’t know

Feeling humble, I heard a rumble on the railway track

And when I hear that whistle blow, I’ll walk away and you won’t know, that I’ll be crying

Even try, I’ll always be here by your side

Why, why, why, I never wanted to say goodbye

Why even try, I’m always here if you change, change your mind

So you 're leaving in the morning on the early train

I could say everything’s alright, and I could pretend and say goodbye, but that would be lying

Cause I can’t stop loving you, no I can’t stop loving you

No I won’t stop loving you, why should I even try?”

Wrote by Mashita Fandia

source: hplyrikz.com

The other night, over coffee and cigarettes, I had a talk with my mom about love life and romance. One of them was about how ironic it is that somehow we always fall for someone who doesn’t love us back, yet on the other hand, we don’t fall for someone who’s in love with us. “Perhaps that’s why you’re still single until now,” she said. “Maybe,” I answered reluctantly, with so many thoughts came across my mind at that time. “Don’t worry, it’s just about timing,” and then she closed her statement with a mother-like advice, “Right now, just focus on your study and work. Love will come along eventually. You got my blessed and prayer, always.”

Well, okay, that sentence was supposed to be the closing statement, yet I couldn’t help but continue talking. “Here comes another thing though; we fall for someone who does love us back, yet he doesn’t love us completely. I mean, well, he said he loves us, but apparently we’re not his first priority.” She smiled, “That sounds familiar.” I smirked, “No, you’re still the first priority.” She laughed, “Oh well, we’re talking about you now, sorry I almost forgot.” I sulked, “No, we’re talking about general matters here, okay?” Still laughing, she said, “Calm down, I won’t ask who he is.” And regarding to this matter, she responded, “As I grow old I learn that it’s wiser to choose to be with a person who loves you rather than the person you love.”

Then the conversation went:

Me: “Well, I can’t, Mom. I cannot be with a person whom I don’t love.”

Mom: “Love grows, honey. Witing tresno jalaran saka kulino. Classic, indeed, yet it’s true.”

Me: “I mean, if I don’t have any interest in the first place toward the person, I can’t open my heart for him, at all. It’s like an automatic barricade built around. But, if I have interest, no matter who falls in love first, I or he, then I can be with him. For me, witing tresno jalaran saka kulino starts from there. When I have an interest since the beginning, then it’s just the matter of time for me to fall in love for him.”

Mom: “That’s the idea of love, isn’t it? Take and give.”

Me: “Yes. But that doesn’t answer the problem about priority.”

Mom: “Well, if you’re not his priority, then he’s not that into you. If he’s not that into you, then he’s not the one. For me, that’s that simple, honey.”

Me: “What if I’m that into him?”

Mom: “Be careful, honey. I don’t wanna scare you, but you’re a grown up now, and you’ve seen how reality goes.”

Me: “Yeah. I guess I got the answer.”

Above is just a little part of our midnight conversation some nights ago, first time after a while. Somehow, that reminds me of other conversation I had with a friend of mine some time ago. Still, the topic is love life and romance. And of course, still about love and priority.

Mo: “I always wonder whether people really can’t love one person at a time, whole and completely. It makes me curious.”

Me: “No, perhaps. Because people are fragmented. And just like you said yourself, love is irrational.”

Mo: “I never have a person who loves me completely. Even from my parents. So it becomes traumatic. Yes, it’s hard to deal with fragments for an essentialist person like me. I wonder too about the impact towards relationship. Always makes me in awe.”

Me: “And so do I. But, it’s more like this to me, maybe when a person, it could be anyone including the parents, loves us, they love us completely in the concept that they do love us as a whole person. However, when it comes to priority, at this point I feel that I’ve never been the priority. Cinta sih, tapi terus apa? Kalau bukan prioritas ya sedih juga.And how about the impact towards relationship for you? For me, I’ve become skeptical.”

Mo: “I’ve become sick … and masochistic.”

Well, at least I know I’m not alone. Her words somehow echoed inside my head, “I always wonder whether people really can’t love one person at a time, whole and completely.” After all, no one wants their love to be divided. Whole and completely, is that too hard to achieve? Apparently, it is for me, since I’ve never known how it feels to be loved completely and undivided. Whole and completely, is that too hard to give? For me, it’s not. And this is where things get complicated, when I love, I tend to love completely and undivided. And the result is? Unbalance. Different level of disclosure. Sick and masochistic. Yet addictive and intoxicating.

Me: “It seems like a human’s nature to self-abuse.”

Mo: “Not really. But, it’s not as simple as being said, even when we say that it’s the principal. Cross the line. We say we won’t cross, but we do.”

Me: “Yes, that’s true. I’ve crossed the line many times. Not sure anymore whether there’s still a line. Everything seems so vague now.”

Mo: “It’s not. It’s reality.”

And here lies the “reality”. Everything is coming back to it. Reality. My friend said it. My mom said it. I said it.

But I’m only human, and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human, and I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart‘Cause I’m only human

-Christina Perri, Human

Well, apparently I’m only human. That song has been stuck inside my head for a week, more or less, like it has never been before. Perhaps it’s true that we won’t get attached to a certain song until we feel related to its lyrics. Already know that I’m not the first priority yet I still choose to fall deeper. I’m only human after all. Still being hurt though I already know that I will anyway. Yes, I’m only human, indeed. Your words in my head have become knives in my heart. That’s okay. That’s what I have to deal with. It’s reality.

Besides, Perri said that this song is about self-forgiveness. Well, I’ll take this as a self-reminder to forgive myself then. I’m only human after all.

But, just like another friend of mine said to me last night,

“Yang diinget senengnya aja, Mash.”

Wrote by Mashita Fandia

How does it feel to be someone else’s first priority? Truth to be told, I’ve never known how that feels. How does it feel to be someone you love’s only choice? Truth to be told, I’ve never understand how that feels. Whenever a close male friend of mine tells a story about the girl he loves, I always think how lucky she is to have someone like him, who not only loves her so much but also makes her as his first priority and only choice. How does that feel? I still believe that a man can love one woman at a time, yet, how many men like that are left in this world? That’s a mystery. Basically, every woman wants to be her man’s first priority and only choice. Naturally, every woman wants to be loved completely. Today’s song for Male Special Part 2: Ways of Being A Man is a song titled “Better Than I Know Myself”, performed by Adam Lambert. Through this song we can see how a man feels toward his first priority and only choice.

“I know it gets hard sometimes, but I could never leave your side, no matter what I say. ‘Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now, but I really need you near me to keep my mind off the edge. If I wanted to leave I would have left by now, but you’re the only one that knows me better than I know myself.” –Adam Lambert, Better Than I Know Myself

Released on December 20th 2011, “Better Than I Know Myself” was served as the lead single taken from Adam Lambert’s second studio album, “Trespassing”. The synthpop ballad track was written by Lukasz Gottwald, Joshua Coleman, Claude Kelly, and Henry Walter. It has a rock element in it, making the song sounds dynamic yet heartfelt at the same time.

Without realizing, people take love for granted at times. Sad but true, most of the time, it happens toward the person who knows us inside and out. Lyrically, “Better Than I Know Myself” speaks about someone who realizes that they have taken love for granted, however, they also realize that they could never leave that person. “Cold as ice, and more bitter than a December winter night, that’s how I treated you. And I know that I, I sometimes tend to lose my temper, and I cross the line, yeah that’s the truth.” People have many sides of them; fragments. And perhaps, indeed, it’s hard to let go of the person who has seen all of those fragments of ours and still there for us, with us, with every fragments of ours. The funny thing is, and it has happened so many times to me, sometimes people seem to push away that kind of person, though they understand that that person is actually everything they need for life. They’ll be lost without that person. “All along I tried to pretend it didn’t matter if I was alone, but deep down I know. If you were gone, for even a day I wouldn’t know which way to turn, ‘cause I’m lost without you.”

Love is egocentric. The idea of love itself is indeed selfish. If we admit it, sometimes the biggest reason why we stay with someone is always related to the way we feel toward how that person treats us. See? There are ‘we’ and ‘us’ as both of subject and object in this matter of love. “I know it gets hard sometimes, but I could never leave your side, no matter what I say. ‘Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now, but I really need you near me to keep my mind off the edge. If I wanted to leave I would have left by now, but you’re the only one that knows me better than I know myself.” But yes, indeed, apparently we can’t just let go of someone who knows us so well. Again, it’s because of the selfishness, yet I believe it’s always beautiful to be someone’s first priority and only choice, even if we’re taken for granted. I said ‘I believe’, because I don’t know how that actually feels to have someone feels that way towards me. “I get kind of dark, let it go too far. I can be obnoxious at times, but try and see my heart. ‘Cause I need you now, so don’t let me down. You’re the only thing in this world, I would die without.”

“Better Than I Know Myself” received mostly positive reviews from music critics, with most of them praised for Lambert’s unique and powerful vocal. The music video for the song was directed by Ray Kay. It premiered on February 3rd 2012 on Lambert’s official Vevo page. For me personally, this song is addictive! And yes, Lambert’s voice is like an instrument; beautiful.

“I get kind of dark, let it go too far. I can be obnoxious at times, but try and see my heart. ‘Cause I need you now, so don’t let me down. You’re the only thing in this world, I would die without.” –Adam Lambert, Better Than I Know Myself

“Cold as ice, and more bitter than a December winter night, that’s how I treated you

And I know that I, I sometimes tend to lose my temper, and I cross the line, yeah that’s the truth

I know it gets hard sometimes, but I could never leave your side, no matter what I say

‘Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now

But I really need you near me to keep my mind off the edge

If I wanted to leave I would have left by now

But you’re the only one that knows me better than I know myself

All along I tried to pretend it didn’t matter if I was alone, but deep down I know

If you were gone, for even a day I wouldn’t know which way to turn, ‘cause I’m lost without you

I get kind of dark, let it go too far

I can be obnoxious at times, but try and see my heart

‘Cause I need you now, so don’t let me down

You’re the only thing in this world, I would die without”

Wrote by Mashita Fandia

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