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pieces of me


source: weheartit.com

Pernah pada suatu waktu kau berujar padaku melalui sebuah pesan,
“I’m worried because I care for you.”

Sudah sekitar dua minggu berlalu sejak kesepakatan itu kita buat bersama. Namun masih saja aku resah dibuatnya. Mungkin ada yang salah. Kalau skripsi dan tesis saja masih bisa direvisi, mengapa tidak demikian halnya dengan kesepakatan kita? Mungkin ada baiknya kita pikirkan kembali.

Seperti yang pernah kau bilang, menyenangkan apabila kita mempunyai seseorang yang peduli pada kita. Namun, seperti yang pernah kau bilang juga, kebahagiaan itu datangnya selalu satu paket dengan ketakutan. Rasa takut akan kehilangan. Kehilangan atas apa? Kau bilang atas kepedulian itu. Aku bilang, aku takut kehilanganmu. Dan waktu-waktu yang bisa kita dapati bila kita bersama. Sesederhana itu.
Kamu selalu bilang bahwa kamu tak bisa ‘membaca’ku. Mungkin karena aku berpikir terlalu banyak tanpa pernah bisa mengungkapkannya langsung melalui mulutku. Mungkin karena rumitku tertutup rapat oleh lapisan-lapisan lain yang kubiarkan kasat mata. Di sini akan aku coba urai satu-persatu. Tapi tahu kah kau? Sesungguhnya terkadang aku pun menemukan diriku kesusahan ketika ingin ‘membaca’mu.

Aku tertambat pada kepedulian yang kau tawarkan. Namun, seperti yang mungkin kau rasa dan sadari selama ini, aku berusaha melawannya. Mengapa? Salah satunya, karena takut. Takut apa? Pertama, aku takut akan adiksi. Adiksi hadir melalui sebentuk keterikatan. Keterikatan itu hadir melalui kepedulian. Hal ini mengarahkanku pada ketakutan kedua sekaligus terbesarku: detachment. Aku tak sanggup menemukan padanan kata yang tepat menggambarkan ‘detachment’ dalam bahasa Indonesia. Mungkin bisa disebut sebagai ‘terlepas dari keterikatan’. Dan itu yang paling aku takutkan, sesungguhnya. Sehingga yang terjadi selama ini adalah: aku merepresi. Apa yang kurepresi? Perasaanku sendiri. Aku merepresi. Telah kucoba setengah mati. Namun sepertinya aku gagal. Rasa ini terlalu besar, rupanya. Aku hanyut terlalu dalam, ternyata. Memang benar. Lemah diriku telah membuktikannya. Aku membutuhkanmu lebih daripada kau membutuhkanku. Dan kini aku tak lagi bisa menafikkan satu variabel lain di antara kita: dia.
Selama ini aku menghindari bicara tentangnya, kalau kau menyadari itu. Bukan karena aku tak mau tahu, tapi karena aku merasa cukup tahu. Cukup tahu akan batasku. Cukup tahu akan batas kita. Batas-batas yang kita konstruksikan sendiri. Kali ini aku akan melanggar batas itu. Mengapa? Ada dua hal yang mengusik perasaanku. Pertama, setelah kita berdua buat kesepakatan itu, kau menanggalkan foto dia dari dinding kamarmu. Mengapa kau lakukan itu? Mungkin tak berarti apa-apa. Mungkin hanya mencoba menghormati perasaanku. Mungkin kau hanya sedang ingin menanggalkannya saja, tanpa ada tujuan tertentu atas itu. Begitu ingin aku menanyakannya langsung padamu. Namun aku tak sampai hati. Maafkan. Namun lucunya, hal kedua yang mengusik perasaanku datang seiring dengan jawaban atas hal pertama tadi. Satu malam kau bicara tentangnya. Timing-nya memang kurang tepat, kalau boleh kubilang. Aku sedang dalam hari tersuramku karena pekerjaan. Yang kubutuhkan adalah pelukan hangat, bukan punggung bidangmu yang kau hadapkan padaku ketika tidur; terasa dingin. Yang kuinginkan adalah canda tawa, bukan sendu sedihmu. Namun lagi-lagi, bila sudah menyangkut dirimu, aku bisa apa? Kalau kau sadari, kau selalu menang atasku. Dan aku selalu menyerah, kalah.

Jadi di sinilah, lagi, kegelisahanku bermuara pada tulisan. Seperti sudah kutuliskan di atas, akan kucoba urai satu-persatu benang kusut perasaanku ini. Pertanyannya adalah, dan selalu saja sama, aku harus mulai dari mana? Hmmm, well, well. Akan aku mulai dari pemikiran yang aku dapatkan bulan lalu, ketika kau berkata padaku bahwa kalian kembali bersama.
Manusia pada dasarnya berbeda. Meski berangkat dengan premis yang sama, alur cerita tak akan berjalan sama bila dimainkan oleh aktor yang berbeda. Namun kalian menyamaratakan karakter setiap orang, sebagai upaya atas pembenaran untuk tetap bersama. Bukan salah kalian, memang. Pengalaman yang menjadikan kalian (dan aku tak tahu sebagian besar cerita yang telah kalian alami bersama). Namun tidak begitu bagiku. Yang menjadikanku adalah realitas. Dan aku percaya akan negosiasi dan kompromi. Aku bukan dia, dan aku bukan siapapun, selain diriku sendiri. Denganku, kita bisa punya akhir yang berbeda. Mungkin kau tak mau. Mungkin kau hanya pura-pura tak tahu. Jangan katakan kalau kau tak bisa, karena kau pun sesungguhnya tahu, kau sebenarnya bisa.

Kamu tak pernah bisa mengatakan “iya” padaku. Bagimu, pada akhirnya selalu aku yang harus melangkah pergi. Mungkin bagimu, aku adalah satu-satunya di antara kita bertiga yang mampu menghadapi realitas. Tak pernahkah terbersit di benakmu bahwa aku hanyalah manusia biasa? Bagiku, yang kalian lakukan hanyalah menutup mata. Lalu untuk apa aku bertahan denganmu? Aku cinta. Sesederhana itu. Aku ingin bersama. Aku ingin kita berdua menjadi. Aku ingin kau hadapi realitas, denganku. Pada tataran ini memang pemikiran Deleuze terlalu mempengaruhiku: sepanjang hidup kita mencari ‘ada’ seperti itu bisa ditemukan, mengapa bukan diciptakan? Ketimbang menemukan dan menunjukkan batas-batas yang ada, bagaimana bila kita menciptakannya? Tak lelahkah kau dengan artifisialitas yang kau jalani dengannya? Atau mungkin aku yang terlalu naif, karena percaya begitu saja ketika kau bilang padaku bahwa kini kau dengannya hanya artifisial semata? Apakah aku terlalu naif karena percaya ketika kau bilang bahwa kau menerimanya kembali atas dasar rasa iba dan tanggung jawab? Mungkin dia mengambilmu kembali karena tak ingin kau menjadi milik orang lain, terutamanya aku. Tak bisakah kemenjadian itu kita ciptakan bersama, antara kita saja? Lalu malam itu, kau berkata padaku bahwa kalian telah berpisah, lagi. Entah sampai kapan kali ini.

Melihat gundahnya dirimu malam itu ketika bicara tentangnya, perasaanku… tak terdefinisikan. Bila diibaratkan, seperti gedung roboh dalam film “Spectre” yang pernah kita tonton bersama. Hancur. Perlahan namun seketika. Sedikit demi sedikit namun seluruhnya. I hate seeing you being devastated like that. Moreover, I hate it when it’s because of someone else. Mungkin memang aku yang terlalu naif. Mungkin aku memang bukan orang yang bisa menyakitimu sampai seperti itu; tak sepenting itu hingga bisa melukaimu sedemikian dalam; tak ada signifikansinya sama sekali. Kemudian kau berkata, “Aku hanya terlalu ingin menyenangkan semua orang.” Dalam hati aku berkata, “Ketika kau tak bisa menyenangkan semua orang, ketika harus ada orang yang kau kecewakan, tak apa kalau orang itu harus aku. Sungguh, tidak apa-apa.” Lihat, kan? Kalau kau sadari, aku selalu menyerah atasmu. Dan kau selalu menang, berkuasa. Mengapa? Aku ingin kau bahagia. Sesederhana itu. Desublimasi represif, meminjam istilah Marcuse. Pikiran dan tindakan mengalami dominasi, namun secara sadar kita merasa senang dan terus melakukannya. Terlarut dan tak bisa lepas. Adiksi.

Kita bisa punya akhir yang lain. Akhir yang tak akan berujung pada repetisi. Sudah kucoba tawarkan itu padamu. Mungkin kau tak mau. Mungkin kau hanya pura-pura tak tahu. Bahwa sesungguhnya ada akhir yang lain itu. Bila bisa kunyatakan secara gamblang padamu, sesungguhnya aku tak mau repetisi itu terjadi. Ingin sekali kukatakan kepadamu: “Sudah, jangan lagi menatap ke belakang. Sayang-sayanglah hatimu itu. Kau hanya punya satu.” Namun, siapalah aku untuk berkata seperti itu padamu?
“I’m not young. I’m not pretty. Just an unworthy sick person. I don’t deserve you. You deserve better.”

Pernyataan di atas, mungkin itu hanyalah gimmick. Mungkin itu perwujudan dari rasa pesimisku. Mungkin itu hasil konstruksi atas repetisi yang mungkin terjadi. Mungkin itu simplifikasi atas berbagai alasan yang menggantung di udara.
Maaf bila tulisan ini telah melanggar batas kalian. Mungkin aku tidak berhak. Mungkin berhak. Mungkin justifikasi semata.
Mungkin efek anestesi yang telah lama memudar. Mungkin efek pre-menstruation syndrome. Mungkin efek badan yang kelelahan. Mungkin efek pikiran yang keresahan. Mungkin efek sakit kepala yang tak kunjung sirna. Mungkin efek terlalu rindu. Terlalu biru. Memar. Lebam.

Aku tahu kau punya sejuta masalah yang jauh lebih membebanimu ketimbang ini. Pun begitu denganku. Di satu sisi, tak mengapa, karena sesungguhnya tak pernah ada inginku untuk menjadi beban bagimu. Di sisi lain, aku kesulitan mencari timing yang tepat untuk mengutarakan semuanya kepadamu. Takut mengganggu konsentrasimu. Takut memberi beban. Takut meresahkanmu. Bahkan untuk sekadar mengunggah tulisan ini pun, yang sebenarnya sudah mulai kutulis sejak memasuki minggu kedua pasca kita buat kesepakatan itu. Dan akhirnya selesai di tanggal 25, walau tak kunjung juga ku unggah ke sini, hingga hari ini.

Kembali ke awal tulisan: sepertinya kesepakatan itu perlu kita revisi. Aku tawarkan padamu. Mari kita bicarakan ketika kita berdua telah sama-sama siap. Jangan sampai jadi beban. Kita bersama untuk bahagia, bukan?

“I love you. Sincerely. And that’s all I know.”
Wrote by Mashita Fandia


source: 17alsey.co.vu

Lucu, ya?
Mungkin ketika membaca frase “Lucu, ya?” barusan, kau bisa membayangkan bagaimana suara dan nada bicaraku. Ya, aku mengatakannya terlalu sering.

Lucu, ya.
Kesepakatan itu telah dibuat, aku tahu. Namun entah bagaimana, entah mengapa, rasanya masih ada saja sesuatu yang mengganjal. Mungkin memang ini burukku. Selalu saja tak semuanya berhasil terkatakan. Selalu saja ada yang tersisa, yang pada akhirnya harus tertuliskan. Tak ada cara lain, karena mungkin sampai kapanpun aku tak akan pernah bisa mengatakannya dengan mulutku sendiri. Mungkin terlalu menyesakkan bagiku. Mungkin takut menyakitimu. Mungkin takut merusak suasana antara kita. Dan berbagai mungkin lainnya yang selalu berkecamuk di kepalaku. All the time. Always. Aku selalu berkata padamu, “You’re thinking too much.” Ironisnya, justru aku yang sepertinya berpikir terlalu banyak. Saking banyaknya, kunafikkan semua. Kupaksa untuk terpendam. Kualihkan ke alam bawah sadar. Ujung-ujungnya, kutuangkan ke tulisan. Sehingga ketika kita berjumpa, tatap mata, tatap muka, kau hanya sanggup melihat yang sederhananya saja. Padahal sesungguhnya, kerumitan itu kukubur dalam-dalam.
Nah, sekarang aku bingung harus mulai dari mana. Hmmm, well, well.

Oke, aku mulai dari judul tulisan ini. Repetisi. Menurut KBBI, artinya pengulangan. Dan memang itu yang ingin aku maksudkan dengan memasang kata tersebut sebagai judul tulisanku. Repetisi. Kamu sempat bilang, kurang lebih, namun makna yang kutangkap demikian: “Kita seperti terjebak dalam siklus yang sama, dengan orang-orang yang sama.” Ya, mungkin saja. Mungkin saja iya. Mungkin saja tidak. Menurutku, tetap saja, kita punya pilihan. Aku punya pilihan. Kamu pun punya pilihan. Terjebak dalam pengulangan atau tidak? Itu semua tergantung pada pilihanku, pilihanmu, dan pilihan kita. Pertanyaannya adalah, ketika kamu merasa terjebak dalam pengulangan itu, apakah kamu benar-benar terjebak, atau sesungguhnya kamu sengaja menjebakkan diri? Menjebakkan diri pada apa? Pembicaraanmu selalu berkutat di seputar nilai dan moral. Sudah aku coba berkali-kali untuk membawamu ke tataran realitas, jauh melampaui nilai dan moral yang selalu kau pegang teguh itu. Namun selalu gagal. Mungkin kau terlalu keras. Mungkin aku terlalu lelah. Atau mungkin, encoding dan decoding kita tak bertemu makna. Sehingga yang terjadi, kau salah tangkap atas apa yang aku coba sampaikan selama ini.

Aku, kamu, kita, tak akan terjebak dalam repetisi ini, seandainya... kamu punya ketegasan. Sesederhana itu. Pun rupanya ketegasan itu menurutmu sudah ada. Dalam wujud apa? Yang aku tangkap darimu, kamu tegas untuk tidak memilih. Yang aku rasa atas itu, kamu tegas untuk tidak memilih aku pada akhirnya. Repetisi. Pada titik ini repetisi terjadi. Terlepas dari seberapa berbedanya proses yang telah kita lalui, bagimu, akhirnya tetap saja sama. Sementara tidak bagiku. Pada titik ini aku merasa “kita” nyaris kehilangan makna. Kemudian aku teringat salah seorang teman pernah bertanya, “Pernah kau minta dia untuk memilih?” Jawabku, “Aku tak mau jadi pilihan. Di samping itu, aku malas.” Dia bilang, “Kamu malas, atau kamu takut?” Mau tak mau harus kuakui bahwa bagian ini berhasil menusuk-nusuk relung hatiku yang paling dalam. Semena-mena memang. Takut? Takut. Ya, takut. Mengapa? Mungkin karena aku sudah tahu jawabannya. Mungkin aku pesimistis. Ya, memang. Pengalaman mengajariku untuk jadi demikian.Untuk apa menegaskan rasa sakit? Aku masokis, memang. Tapi tidak untuk kali ini. Pengalaman mengajariku untuk cukup tahu.
Aku tak mungkin memaksamu untuk memilih. Mungkin karena aku terlalu takut. Aku tak mungkin bertanya padamu tentang pilihan. Mungkin karena aku tak sampai hati. Mungkin itu semua hanya asumsiku. Ya, aku tenggelam dalam asumsi-asumsi yang aku bangun sendiri. Tanpa pernah berani melakukan konfirmasi padamu. Memang tak mungkin pilihan itu berakhir di aku, bukan?

Aku, kamu, kita, tak akan terjebak dalam repetisi ini, seandainya... aku punya kematangan. Ini ada kaitannya dengan yang pernah dikatakan Kant soal “pencerahan”. Dia bilang pencerahan adalah kebangkitan manusia dari ketidakmatangan dirinya. Ketidakmatangan itu sendiri, menurut Kant adalah ketidakmampuan untuk menggunakan pemahaman dirinya tanpa petunjuk orang lain. Pertanyaannya, sudah kah? Oke, sebelum sejauh itu, pertanyaan yang lebih tepat adalah, sanggup kah? Sanggupkah aku tercerahkan? Jawabannya ternyata belum. Aku belum mampu mencapai pemahaman tanpa petunjuk orang lain. Aku belum punya kematangan itu. Aku tak bisa memahami nilai yang kau pegang. Pada titik ini sudut pandang kita berbeda. Aku sadari itu. Aku coba hargai dan hormati itu. Aku coba menawarkanmu sudut pandang yang baru. Namun sepertinya kau tak mau. Atau kau hanya pura-pura tak tahu.

Dariku, terlalu banyak ketakutan. Kamu sendiri pernah bilang padaku, bahwa sesungguhnya aku punya banyak pertanyaan, yang kusimpan sendiri. Ya, kamu tak salah. Banyak pertanyaan yang kusimpan. Sengaja aku memilih untuk menyimpannya. Lagi-lagi, mungkin karena aku pesimistis. Mungkin karena aku penuh asumsi. Asumsi yang selalu menempatkanku sebagai objek paling tak berarti dalam repetisi ini. Tak ada posisi tawarnya. Lemah. Bisa kau hempas kapan saja kau mau. Bisa kau genggam kapan saja kau raih. Anehnya, aku menikmati itu. Sakit. Masokis. Aku tak tercerahkan. Bila bisa kutanyakan secara gamblang padamu, bagimu, adakah sesungguhnya “kita” itu?

Kita selalu berujar satu sama lain, “We never know what the future brings.” Memang benar. Empat tahun yang lalu tak terbersit pikiran bahwa kita akan sampai pada titik ini empat tahun kemudian. Pun tahun-tahun ke depan masih misteri bagi kita. Namun, seperti yang telah kusampaikan padamu, aku punya satu permintaan untuk masa depan. “Seandainya kita tak berakhir bersama, jangan pernah kau tinggal di kota ini lagi.” Kau pun mengiyakan permintaanku dengan janji. Semoga kau dapat menepati. Mengapa sampai terucap permintaan itu dariku? Karena aku tahu, aku tak akan sanggup melihat gambaranmu bersama orang lain. Tidak bila itu terjadi di sini, di kota ini. Tidak akan mampu. I just can’t bear it.

Demikian. Bila kau teliti, ada dua pertanyaan besar yang selama ini menggantung di pikiranku. Dua pertanyaan yang tak pernah dapat tersampaikan melalui mulutku. Dua pertanyaan yang menjadi representasi atas ketakutan terbesarku. Dua pertanyaan dengan dua asumsi jawaban, serta dua negasi atas asumsi jawaban itu. Namun semuanya masih tersimpan rapat-rapat. Tak terucap olehku. Namun tertulis di sini. Mungkin tersirat. Mungkin tersurat. Mungkin kau sanggup menangkapnya. Mungkin tidak. Semoga kali ini encoding dan decoding kita menemukan maknanya.
Mari kembali ke awal tulisan: kesepakatan itu telah dibuat. Mungkin memang harus begini jalannya. Aku masih punya waktu. Kita, masih punya waktu. Kalau kamu masih ingat kode yang pernah kita tulis dan sepakati bersama, saat ini aku biru.
Wrote by Mashita Fandia
No, I believe that I’m not that happy today to write about a love song. Well, but what is happiness anyway? In fact, it’s a bad day; a really bad one. Hmmm. Have you ever felt like, you got a very bad day, and you only need someone, a certain person, to just be right there for you? Have you ever felt like, you got a really wearisome trouble, and you only need to hug it out with your beloved one? Have you ever felt like, you got a troublesome burden like you got the whole world on your shoulder, and you only need to rest it out in the arms of your beloved one? Have you ever felt like, your tears won’t stop crying somehow, and you only need the person you love to wipe it all away? Have you ever felt like, you’re in so much pain, and you only need the person you love to wash it all away? Well, I have. In fact, I feel that now. And I guess that’s just what love does to people. It makes us needy. It makes us clingy. It makes us dependent. It makes us addicted to the care given by that person we love. It makes me crying over a love song, even a love song like this: “Because of You”, performed by Korean diva, Baek Ji Young.

“Everything has changed after I met you. For the first time, I started to believe, I understood, I figured out my dream. It turned out that a person like me can be in love too.” –Baek Ji Young, Because of You [OST. Hyde, Jekyll, and Me]

“Because of You” was recorded for the soundtrack of “Hyde, Jekyll, and Me”, a Korean television drama series. The pop ballad track was released on January 28th 2015 as a part of “Hyde, Jekyll, and Me OST Part 2” single album. This song became a love theme for the protagonist couple portrayed by actor Hyun Bin and actress Han Ji Min.

"Hyde, Jekyll, and Me OST Part 2" single cover - source: wiki.d-addicts.com

Whether we realize it or not, love can change everything. It can open your heart up or even rip it off, no matter how long it was closed before or no matter how hard we’ve tried to protect it. It can bring you excitements or even reveal your deepest fear. It can make your dreams come true or even become your darkest nightmare. Love changes us, even for the smallest thing. “Because of you, everything has changed after I met you. For the first time, I started to believe, I understood, I figured out my dream. It turned out that a person like me can be in love too.” Love can take us to some place we’ve never been before. Love can give us hopes or even serve us with pain and tears. Love reveals who we really are. And the funny thing about love is, only after being in despair, we can understand the true meaning of happiness it can cause. “After loving without deceit, that way I discovered the pain as well. It was then when I realized that you were my everything.”
The thing about love is, it’s a trouble we’re always looking for in life. It’s an addictive pain we’ve never ceased to gain. It’s an intoxicating drug we’ve never got enough to hold on. It’s an everlasting scar we’ve never tired of to bear. However, the thing about love is, it gives us reasons to take and swallow those troubles, pains, drugs, and scars. It gives us reasons be strong and move forward. “Because of you; the reason that I live is because of you. Because I loved only you, I love only you, and I will love only you. Because of you, now I can say ‘I love you’. The reason that I love is because of you. Whether this is or this isn’t love, you’re the one who made me change.” Despite all of its odds and ambivalent, people just can’t live without love, and that’s inevitable. We need it. We crave for it. We beg for it. I’m a loner, and I used to be just fine with that. Because of love, I’m a loner who cannot be alone. “Because of you, all of me have changed.”
Being dubbed as the Queen of soundtrack, Baek Ji Young’s soft voice is undeniably mesmerizing in this song. However, due to the drama series’ rather low popularity, “Because of You” became rather underrated soundtrack single of hers. Well, since I’m a big fan of Mrs. Baek herself (plus, I love everything underrated), this song still pleases me.

“After loving without deceit, that way I discovered the pain as well. It was then when I realized that you were my everything.” –Baek Ji Young, Because of You [OST. Hyde, Jekyll, and Me]



“Because of you, neoreul mannan ihu naui modeun geosi dallajyeotgo
(Because of you, everything has changed after I met you)
Cheoeumeuro mitgi sijakhaesseo naneun alge dwaesseo kkumeul kkuge dwaesseo
(For the first time, I started to believe, I understood, I figured out my dream)
Naran saramdo sarangiraneun geol hal su itdaneun geol
(It turned out that a person like me can be in love too)

Because of you, because of you, naega saneun iyu, because of you
(Because of you, because of you, the reason that I live is because of you)
Neoman saranghaetgo neoman saranghago neoman saranghal nail tenikka
(Because I loved only you, I love only you, and I will love only you)
Because of you, now I can say ‘I love you’, saranghaneun iyu, because of you
(Because of you, now I can say ‘I love you’, the reason that I love is because of you)
Ige sarangigeon sarangi anigeon nareul dallajige mandeun geon, because of you
(Whether this is or this isn’t love, you’re the one who made me change, because of you)

Geojit eobsi saranghan geu ihu apeumiran geotdo alge dwaetgo
(After loving without deceit, that way I discovered the pain as well)
Naegen niga jeonbuyeotdaneun geol geuttae alge dwaesseo
(It was then when I realized that you were my everything)

Because of you, naui modeun geosi dallajyeosseo

(Because of you, all of me have changed)”
Wrote by Mashita Fandia
Love is sincerity. Though I’m a cold and skeptical person, somehow I still believe that love is a sincere thing. And for me personally, a sincere thing can’t be easily said. Therefore, when I love someone, I can’t say that easily. Instead, I tend to keep it for myself. There is just too much anxiety. There are just too many fears. These days have been like that too. I love my partner. I’m in love with him, so much I feel like dying inside. Yet I barely say that to him with my own mouth. And most of the time I feel sorry for that. People are not a mind reader. Though I’m old enough to understand that, still I find myself hard to express the feelings I should show and say the thoughts I should tell. In the end, here I am, weeping all alone while my heart keeps on shrieking these unsaid feelings. There is this one melancholic song that comes into my mind right now. It’s a song titled “That Woman (그여자)”, performed by Korean female singer Baek Ji Young.

“How much, just how much longer do I have to look at you like this all alone? This love that came like the wind, this helpless love, will you love me if I continue this way? Come just a little closer, just a little, when I take one step forward, you take two steps back away. Me, who love you, is standing still beside you now, that woman is crying.” –Baek Ji Young, That Woman (그여자) [OST. Secret Garden]

“That Woman (그여자)” was released on November 11th 2010 as the first single taken from the soundtrack of Korean television drama series “Secret Garden”, “Secret Garden OST Part 1”. Due to the immense popularity of the drama series, the song itself also gained success, both commercially and culturally. In 2011, Baek Ji Young won Outstanding Korean Drama OST at the 6th Seoul International Drama Awards and Best Original Soundtrack at the 13th Mnet Asian Music Awards.

"Secret Garden OST Part 1" single cover - source: wiki.d-addicts.com

The more sincere the love, the more it is hard to confess. Well, at least that is what I feel. Thing goes like that for me all this time. This song is a confession. And she begins by telling it through third person point of view; that she knows there is a woman who is sincerely in love with him, that the woman is always watching over him, that the woman is silently keeping her desperate feelings only for herself, that the woman is slowly approaching him only to find him drafting away from her, that the woman is crying inside while standing beside him. “One woman loves you. That woman loves you with all of her heart. Every day, like a shadow, she follows you around. That laughing woman is crying inside. ‘How much, just how much longer do I have to look at you like this all alone? This love that came like the wind, this helpless love, will you love me if I continue this way? Come just a little closer, just a little, when I take one step forward, you take two steps back away. Me, who love you, is standing still beside you now.’ That woman is crying.”
And the story goes on. That woman finds it hard to say everything she feels. Indeed, every sincere thing is hard to say right away. So, she’s been keeping it, even from her best friends. That woman finds it hard to confess her feelings. Indeed, the deepest one is the hardest one to confess right away. That woman knows it all too well that the man is just the same. He’s a timid person too. She feels relate. Perhaps that’s why she fell for him. That woman can only scream inside, that she’s been longing for him, for his embrace, for his love. That woman can only yearn inside, as she’s standing by him. “That woman has a very timid personality, because of this, she learned how to smile. There are many things she can’t even say to her best friend, that woman’s heart is filled with tears. Therefore that woman loved you because you are the same. ‘Yet another fool, yet another fool, just once, can you embrace me before you go? I want to be loved, dear, every day in my heart, only in my heart.’ Crying her voice out for you, that woman stands by your side again today.”
In the end, she reveals that the woman is her. She finally got the courage to say that the story she always tells to him is about her. “That woman is me, do you know? It’s not that you know it but still act like this, right? Of course you don’t know, since you’re a fool.” How can someone be so ignorant regarding to love? Perhaps, it’s because they’re just too busy looking at somewhere else, hence they can’t realize that the person who loves them sincerely is standing just right here all the time. How can someone be so clueless regarding to love? Perhaps, it’s because when we fall in love, we tend to fall at once and for all. What else can we do when the love feels so helpless and hopeless? Smiling on the outside, weeping in the inside. “How much longer do I have to look at you like this all alone? This foolish love, this hopeless love, will you love me if I continue this way? Come just a little closer, just a little. When I take one step forward, you take two steps back away. Me, who love you, is standing still beside you now. That woman is crying.”

"Secret Garden OST Part 5" single cover - source: wiki.d-addicts.com

Hyun Bin, gorgeous Korean actor who also starred as the main protagonist in “Secret Garden”, sang a male version of the song, titled “That Man (그 남자)”. This version was released on January 7th 2011 as a part of “Secret Garden OST Part 5” single album. For the special album soundtrack, Baek Ji Young sang her cover of “That Man (그 남자)”. This pop ballad track is the signature song for the drama series. Some soundtracks last forever, and I’m sure that this song is one of them.

“That woman is me, do you know? It’s not that you know it but still act like this, right? Of course you don’t know, since you’re a fool.” –Baek Ji Young, That Woman (그여자) [OST. Secret Garden]






“Han yeojaga geudaereul saranghamnida geu yeojaneun yeolshimhi saranghamnida
(One woman loves you, that woman loves you with all of her heart)
Maeil geurimjacheoreom geudaereul ttaradanimyeo geu yeojaneun useumyeo ulgoisseoyo
(Every day, like a shadow, she follows you around, that laughing woman is crying inside)

Eolmana eolmana deo neoreul ireohke baraman bomyeo honja
(How much, just how much longer do I have to look at you like this all alone?)
I baramgateun sarang I geojigateun sarang gyesokhaeya niga nareul sarang hagenni
(This love that came like the wind, this helpless love, will you love me if I continue this way?)
Jogeumman gakkai wa jogeumman hanbal dagagamyeon du bal domangganeun
(Come just a little closer, just a little, when I take one step forward, you take two steps back away)
Neol saranghaneun nal jigeumdo yeope isseo geu yeojan umnida
(Me, who love you, is standing still beside you now, that woman is crying)

Geu yeojaneun seonggyeogi soshimhamnida geuraeseo unneun beobeul baeweotdamnida
(That woman has a very timid personality, because of this, she learned how to smile)
Chinhan chinguegedo mothaneun yaegiga manheun geu yeojaeui maeumeun nunmultuseongi
(There are many things she can’t even say to her best friend, that woman’s heart is filled with tears)

Geuraeseo geu yeojaneun geudael neol sarang haetdeyo ttokgataseo
(Therefore that woman loved you because you are the same)
Tto hanagateun babo tto hanagateun babo hanbeon nareul anajugo gamyeon andweyo
(Yet another fool, yet another fool, just once, can you embrace me before you go?)
Nan sarangbadgo shipeo geudaeyeo maeil sogeuroman gaseum sogeuroman
(I want to be loved, dear, every day in my heart, only in my heart)
Sorireul jireumyeo geu yeojaneun oneuldo geu yeope itdeyo
(Crying her voice out for you, that woman stands by your side again today)

Geu yeojaga naraneun geol anayo almyeonseodo ireoneun geon anijyo
(That woman is me, do you know? It’s not that you know it but still act like this, right?)
Moreulkkeoya geudaen babonikka
(Of course you don’t know, since you’re a fool)

Eolmana eolmana deo neoreul ireohke baraman bomyeo honja
(How much, just how much longer do I have to look at you like this all alone?)
I babogateun sarang I geojigateun sarang gyesokhaeya niga nareul sarang hagenni
(This foolish love, this hopeless love, will you love me if I continue this way?)
Jogeumman gakkai wa jogeumman hanbal dagagamyeon du bal domangganeun
(Come just a little closer, just a little, when I take one step forward, you take two steps back away)
Neol saranghaneun nal jigeumdo yeope isseo geu yeojan umnida
(Me, who love you, is standing still beside you now, that woman is crying)”
Wrote by Mashita Fandia
How can we let go of someone we hold most dear? How can we forget something so precious? No, we never let them go. They just walked away. No, we never forget it. It just went deep down in our memories. When the feeling is unrequited, how can we not let it go? When the love is one sided, how can we not forget? Apparently, we have to though it’s hard. When we have that person by our side but their mind is somewhere else, how can we not let them go? When we have that person in our arms but their heart belongs to someone else, how can we not forget? Apparently, we have to though it’s not easy. So I wonder, which one is better: to have loved and lost or not to have any at all? Suddenly today there’s this one song comes up in my mind: “That’s Why (You Go Away)”, performed by Danish band, Michael Learns to Rock, or also widely known as MLTR. Indeed, it’s really is a Random Play.

“You’re the one who set it up, now you’re the one to make it stop. I’m the one who’s feeling lost right now. Now you want me to forget every little thing you said. But there is something left in my head. I won’t forget the way you’re kissing. The feelings so strong were lasting for so long. But I’m not the man your heart is missing. That’s why you go away, I know.” –Michael Learns to Rock, That’s Why (You Go Away)

First released in 1995, “That’s Why (You Go Away)” was served as the second single taken from MLTR’s third studio album, titled “Played on Pepper”. It was written by Jascha Richter, the band’s frontman. Not only it was commercially successful, but the song had also become one of MLTR’s signature songs.
I’ve mentioned above that I wonder which one is better: to have loved and lost or not to have any at all? Well, I’m old enough now to understand love; what it is capable of and the pain it can cause. So, it’s actually hard to say that it’s better to have loved and lost, because I’ve been there. “Baby, won’t you tell me why there is sadness in your eyes? I don’t wanna say gooodbye to you. Love is one big illusion I should try to forget, but there is something left in my head. You’re the one who set it up, now you’re the one to make it stop. I’m the one who’s feeling lost right now. Now you want me to forget every little thing you said, but there is something left in my head.” But what can we do when that person is everything we always wanted and needed? In the most extreme way, we deceive ourselves that the love is real. We keep on telling ourselves that it’s okay as long as that person is with us now, no matter where their heart actually is. “You were never satisfied no matter how I tried. Now you want to say goodbye to me. Love is one big illusion I should try to forget, but there’s something left in my head.”
But what can we do when we’re not everything that person always wanted and needed? In the most extreme way, we deceive ourselves that every moment is real. We keep on telling ourselves that it’s alright though it only lasts for a moment. However, deep down inside we understand that our heart will be broken when the time comes. Deep down inside we know that person will go away. Deep down inside we know that it’s only temporary. “I won’t forget the way you’re kissing. The feelings so strong were lasting for so long. But I’m not the man your heart is missing. That’s why you go away, I know.” People say that love is a one big illusion. Well, is it? When it’s all just an illusion, what’s real then? I guess nothing is real. We are all just little fragments of life trying to deceive ourselves that every temporary thing could last forever. There’s nothing much left for us in the end, but memories of a one-sided feeling, an unrequited sincerity, and rejected love. “Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere, don’t know which way to go. There ain’t so much to say now between us. There ain’t so much for you, there ain’t so much for me, anymore.”
The album in which including “That’s Why (You Go Away)” was wholly recorded and produced by MLTR themselves for the first time. And the price was paid. Particularly, this soft rock track successfully became one of the band’s most well-known songs. Even until nowadays, this classic is still popular.

“Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere, don’t know which way to go. There ain’t so much to say now between us. There ain’t so much for you, there ain’t so much for me, anymore.” –Michael Learns to Rock, That’s Why (You Go Away)



“Baby, won’t you tell me why there is sadness in your eyes? I don’t wanna say gooodbye to you
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget, but there is something left in my head
You’re the one who set it up, now you’re the one to make it stop, I’m the one who’s feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget every little thing you said, but there is something left in my head

I won’t forget the way you’re kissing, the feelings so strong were lasting for so long
But I’m not the man your heart is missing, that’s why you go away, I know

You were never satisfied no matter how I tried, now you want to say goodbye to me
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget, but there’s something left in my head

Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere, don’t know which way to go
There ain’t so much to say now between us
There ain’t so much for you, there ain’t so much for me, anymore”
Wrote by Mashita Fandia
Love makes us helpless. Well, I don’t know many things about love, but I definitely know that one thing for sure. Even the smartest girl could turn into a fool in front of love. About a week ago, I had a conversation with my partner; a serious one, actually, but it’s not me and my partner when we don’t end up even the most serious conversation with laugh and jokes. That night, we rode our way home while listening to this one song: “Making Love Out of Nothing At All”, performed by Australian vocal duo, Air Supply. No, we’re not making love out of nothing at all, I believe. We’re making love out of love, well, at least I do. Anyway, since that random night, this song has gotten stuck inside my head. Therefore I keep wondering about it, because somehow I feel related to some words from the verses part of this song. Well, I’ve turned into a fool for love. That’s inevitable, and I have no regret for that. I must be a fool, and I’m the happiest fool in the world.

“I know all the rules and then I know how to break them, and I always know the name of the game. But I don’t know how to leave you, and I’ll never let you fall. And I don’t know how you do it, making love out of nothing at all.” –Air Supply, Making Love Out of Nothing At All

First released in 1983, “Making Love Out of Nothing At All” appeared in Air Supply’s compilation album, “Greatest Hits”. It was subsequently released as the album’s lead single. It was written and composed by Jim Steinman as a reworking of the main title them from the 1980 film, “A Small Circle of Friends”, for which he wrote the score.
Apparently, everyone’s a fool before love. They might know how to act. They might understand how to treat the person they love. They might know the right time to do the right thing to do. “I know just how to whisper, and I know just how to cry. I know just where to find the answers, and I know just how to lie. I know just how to fake it, and I know just how to scheme. I know just when to face the truth, and then I know just when to dream. And I know just where to touch you, and I know just what to prove.” They might know how to react. They might understand how to please the person they love. They might know the right time to say the right thing to say. “I know when to pull you closer, and I know when to let you loose. And I know the night is fading, and I know that time’s gonna fly. And I’m never gonna tell you everything I’ve got to tell you, but I know I’ve got to give it a try. And I know the roads to riches, and I know the ways to fame.”
They might be good at anything, but people in love can be bad at everything. In the end, they’re fools for love. “I know all the rules and then I know how to break them, and I always know the name of the game. But I don’t know how to leave you, and I’ll never let you fall. And I don’t know how you do it, making love out of nothing at all.” Everything about that person is just beautiful. And what can we do when that person has it all, everything we want and need, everything we always search for in this life? “Every time I see you all the rays of the sun are streaming through the waves in your hair. And every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes like a spotlight. The beating of my heart is a drum, and it’s lost, and it’s looking for a rhythm like you. You can take the darkness from the pit of the night and turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright. I’ve got to follow it, ‘cause everything I know, well it’s nothing till I give it to you.”
Apparently, everyone’s kneeling down before love. They would give it all. They might be able to do anything, but people in love are not able to do everything. “I can make the run or stumble, I can make the final block. And I can make every tackle, at the sound of the whistle, I can make all the stadiums rock. I can make tonight forever, or I can make it disappear by the dawn. And I can make you every promise that has ever been made, and I can make all your demons be gone. But I’m never gonna make it without you; do you really want to see me crawl? And I’m never gonna make it like you do, making love out of nothing at all.” In the end, they’re taken for granted in the name of love. However, can we still call it ‘taken for granted’ when we are willingly and consciously doing that? No, rather than ‘taken for granted’, I would call it ‘love’. Indeed, the ones who love more are always the losing ones, but it’s beautiful since it’s sincere.
In 1995, Welsh singer Bonnie Tyler released a cover of “Making Love Out of Nothing At All” for her album titled “Free Spirit”. Some lines of the lyrics were changed for her version. Since then, many recording artists have made a cover for this power ballad track. I love both of Air Supply and Tyler versions. Both are awesome and breathtaking.

“I can make tonight forever, or I can make it disappear by the dawn. And I can make you every promise that has ever been made, and I can make all your demons be gone. But I’m never gonna make it without you; do you really want to see me crawl? And I’m never gonna make it like you do, making love out of nothing at all.” –Air Supply, Making Love Out of Nothing At All





“I know just how to whisper, and I know just how to cry
I know just where to find the answers, and I know just how to lie
I know just how to fake it, and I know just how to scheme
I know just when to face the truth, and then I know just when to dream
And I know just where to touch you, and I know just what to prove
I know when to pull you closer, and I know when to let you loose
And I know the night is fading, and I know that time’s gonna fly
And I’m never gonna tell you everything I’ve got to tell you, but I know I’ve got to give it a try
And I know the roads to riches, and I know the ways to fame
I know all the rules and then I know how to break them, and I always know the name of the game

But I don’t know how to leave you, and I’ll never let you fall
And I don’t know how you do it, making love out of nothing at all
Making love out of nothing at all, making love out of nothing at all
Making love out of nothing at all, making love out of nothing at all
Making love out of nothing at all, making love out of nothing at all

Every time I see you all the rays of the sun are streaming through the waves in your hair
And every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes like a spotlight
The beating of my heart is a drum, and it’s lost, and it’s looking for a rhythm like you
You can take the darkness from the pit of the night and turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright
I’ve got to follow it, ‘cause everything I know, well it’s nothing till I give it to you

I can make the run or stumble, I can make the final block
And I can make every tackle, at the sound of the whistle, I can make all the stadiums rock
I can make tonight forever, or I can make it disappear by the dawn
And I can make you every promise that has ever been made, and I can make all your demons be gone

But I’m never gonna make it without you, do you really want to see me crawl?
And I’m never gonna make it like you do, making love out of nothing at all
Making love out of nothing at all, making love out of nothing at all
Making love out of nothing at all, making love out of nothing at all
Making love out of nothing at all, making love out of nothing at all”
Wrote by Mashita Fandia
I always have this kind of fear: a fear towards addiction. Unfortunately, I find myself got addicted easily most of the time. In my case, addiction comes from one thing: attachment. Once I got attached to something or someone in particular, I would easily become addicted to it. Then why am I afraid of addiction? Well, now I’m old enough to understand that nothing lasts forever. And I’m old enough now to understand what an addiction is capable of and the pain it can cause. In my case, the pain of an addiction comes from one thing: detachment. So, the real thing that I’m actually afraid of is detachment. Yes, I have a fear: a fear towards detachment from something or someone I’ve been addicted to. However, I’ve faced my biggest fear many times in my life now. And every time I crash and break down, the pain is always as good as new. Like a hangover, it will take me some times to be able to be sober again. And this is one song I feel related to whenever I face my biggest fear: “Sober” by American female singer, Kelly Clarkson.

“And I don’t know this could break my heart or save me. Nothing’s real until you let go completely. So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving. So here I go with all my fears weighing on me. Three months and I’m still sober, picked all my weeds but kept the flowers. But I know it’s never really over.” –Kelly Clarkson, Sober

Released on July 10th 2007, “Sober” was taken from Kelly Clarkson’s third studio album titled “My December”. It served as the second single and received generally favorable reviews from music critics. The alternative pop rock track was written by Clarkson herself along with Calamity McEntire, Aben Eubanks, and Jimmy Messer.
Clarkson said in an interview that it’s not easy getting over whatever your addiction may be. Indeed, I agree with her. Lyrically, “Sober” uses addiction as a metaphor for a relationship. It speaks the feeling of how hard it is to get over our past relationship, since it lingers completely on us, like a ghost. “And I don’t know this could break my heart or save me. Nothing’s real until you let go completely. So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving. So here I go with all my fears weighing on me.” When a relationship ended, a part of us died along with it. That’s inevitable. Eventually, we need some time to be alone and contemplate, to recover from the hangover, since being in a relationship itself is like getting drunk and high: addictive. “And I don’t know I could crash and burn. But maybe at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me. So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right. No comparing, second guessing, no not this time.”
I always say that the art of letting go is never easy. It is, indeed. I can say from my experience that it needs to begin with self acceptance. And that’s another hard thing to do. People need to take their time. Self acceptance and letting go, those are things that easy to say but really hard to do. Moreover, when the thing you have to get rid off is an addiction. It’s hard, believe me, I know how it feels. “Three months and I’m still sober, picked all my weeds but kept the flowers. But I know it’s never really over.” I’ve been there several times. Perhaps the worst was four years ago. It took me some time to recover back then, to be sober. I picked all my weeds but kept the flowers. And yes, somehow it’s never really over. But when there’s nothing left to do but to let go, what can you do? It was like that back then. “Three months and I’m still breathing, been a long road since those hands I left my tears in. But I know it’s never really over, no.”
Getting over an addiction is about survival and knowing what to do when something goes wrong. Sadly, it’s not as easy as being said. “Three months and I’m still standing here. Three months and I’m getting better. Three months and I still am.” We’re living without it but we’re still standing here. We’re getting better but it’s still harder. We’re breathing but we still remember. “Three months and it’s still harder now. Three months I’ve been living here without you now. Three months and I’m still breathing. Three months and I still remember it. Three months and I wake up.” Love hurts whether it is wrong or right; whether it takes us to hell or paradise; whether in the end you will be death or alive; whether you can make it or not; whether you can survive from it or not. Love hurts, but that makes us feel human, feel the life. In order to be sober, first you must forgive yourself. Self forgiving, that’s the hardest thing to do above everything.
No accompanying music video was recorded for “Sober”. However, Clarkson performed the song on several live appearances. Despite its poor performance on music charts, this heartwrenching song is one of my favorite from Clarkson. I fell hard for it since the first time I heard it. And I fell even more when I found myself related to its heartbreaking lyrics.

“And I don’t know I could crash and burn. But maybe at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me. So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right. No comparing, second guessing, no not this time. Three months and I’m still breathing, been a long road since those hands I left my tears in. But I know it’s never really over, no.” –Kelly Clarkson, Sober





“And I don’t know this could break my heart or save me, nothing’s real until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving, so here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I’m still sober, picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it’s never really over

And I don’t know I could crash and burn, but maybe at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right, no comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I’m still breathing, been a long road since those hands I left my tears in
But I know it’s never really over, no

Wake up, wake up
Three months and I’m still standing here, three months and I’m getting better yeah
Three months and I still am
Three months and it’s still harder now, three months I’ve been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months
Three months and I’m still breathing, three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up”
Wrote by Mashita Fandia
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