Spending My Time

Tuesday, June 06, 2017



It has only been three days since my partner left the home for working out of town, but it already felt like a year. And yeah, we all know it all too well that the hardest part of a sudden change is the process of adapting, since what used to be here is not here anymore. We have to accept the fact that someone, our significant other, who used to be here beside us is not here anymore; we wake up alone, we eat alone, we sleep alone. It is even harder for me since I used to do like almost everything with him, except for some works and personal stuffs. But after he left, suddenly I feel like there is nothing more I could do. I just feel... empty. I can’t even write anything nor do my work. I can’t even go out of the house or meet people. I just don’t feel like doing it all. I just spend my time. And the worst part is: at time like this, this so called time is moving on so slow, like real slow! The clock is ticking but it seems like it doesn’t move at all. Everything has changed now, and that is what makes me sad the most. It feels empty and lonely as fuck while spending my time.

What’s the time? Seems it’s already morning. I see the sky; it’s so beautiful and blue. The TV’s on but the only thing showing is a picture of you.” –Roxette, Spending My Time

This is one hell of a song that represents my current feeling really well. It is titled “Spending My Time”, performed by Swedish duo, Roxette. The power ballad track was released on November 21st 1991 as the fourth single taken from the duo’s third studio album, “Joyride”. It was written by Roxette’s guitarist, Per Gessle, along with Mats Arne Persson. Wayne Isham directed the accompany music video for this song. The worst thing of being separated from our significant other is the feeling of being alienated, whether from the world or even our own selves; and “Spending My Time” lyrically depicts that kind of feeling so well. I cry myself to sleep while my laptop playing this song on repeat. I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it. I’m spending my time by watching days go by around me, but everything is moving on while it seems that I’m stuck at the same place. I’m feeling so small and only staring at the wall; hoping that he thinks of me too. Pathetic, I know, but it is just the way it is now.


"Spending My Time" single cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

The first thing that I feel after he left was that: I feel like I lost the track of time. Morning, afternoon, evening, night, dawn; I cannot differentiate them. They all feel the same without him. Nobody is here to give a morning wake-up kiss anymore. Nobody is here for me to cook a breakfast for. Nobody is here to nag me for not hurryingly take a shower. Nobody is here to drive me to the campus. Nobody is here to cuddle up on bed all morning with. “What’s the time? Seems it’s already morning. I see the sky; it’s so beautiful and blue. The TV’s on but the only thing showing is a picture of you. Oh, I get up and make myself some coffee. I try to read a bit but the story’s too thin. I thank the Lord above; you’re not here to see me in this shape I’m in.” I feel lost. I don’t know what to do. Everything I try to do reminds me of him. I watch him on a movie. I read him on a book. I listen to him in a song. I look at him on my laptop. There is him every time I open my eyes and all the time I close them. As much as I try to do my routines, it just fails.
I got really out of shape. I overslept during the day and I was sleepless during the night. I don’t bother to do my make-up. I look very ugly these days. And if there is a thing I feel grateful from this situation is the fact that he is not here now to see me like this. I feel empty. I miss him too much in every second and every breath I take. And I hate the fact that I always check my phone every minute just to see in case he texts me, or calls; but he doesn’t. “I try to call but I don’t know what to tell you. I leave a kiss on your answering machine. Oh, help me please. Is there someone who can make me wake up from this dream?” As much as I try to tell myself that it is not real, I am hit by the reality all over again; he’s not here. I hate my mind for not being able to stop wondering what he is doing, where he is, whom he is with, and all. “My friends keep telling me, ‘Hey, life will go on’. Time will make sure I’ll get over you. This silly game of love you play, you win only to lose.” As much as I try to tell myself that everything will be fine, and that I will adapt to it; it just fails.
I’m all over the place. And the worst feeling is actually the fear of being estranged; since deep inside I know that it is happening right now. And I want it to stop. I don’t want to be estranged, whether from myself moreover from my significant other. Hence I feel small and lonely for trying to fight the estranged feeling. His tall body which used to make feel protected when he is near, now only making me feel small when he is far away. “Spending my time, watching the days go by, feeling so small, I stare at the wall, hoping that you are missing me too. I’m spending my time, watching the sun go down, I fall asleep to the sound, of tears of the clown, prayer gone blind, I’m spending my time.” I hate the fact that this situation makes me feel useless and unproductive, since I feel too sad, lost, empty, and lonely to do anything. And I hate the fact that this situation makes me more skeptical and sarcastic. “I can’t live without your love. Good, I am spending my time; makes me big without you honey.” I hate the fact that I can’t adapt faster to this situation.


"Joyride" album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

I feel more melancholic than usual these days. I cry more easily than usual. I daydream more often than usual. And I still cannot get anything done. People say that the first days are the hardest, because we have to adapt with the whole new situation caused by the drastic change. The thing is: I just cannot imagine how this thing is going to be better. And this is the worst feeling ever. I just cannot stop missing him. My whole body was literally aching when I woke up this morning, because he is not here. I was crying my heart out every time I listen to some songs or whenever I am reminded of some moments. Every part of this house is him. Every part of me is him. It is killing me for not having him here. I was sleeping wearing his sweater. I even poured his perfume on it, just to make me feel like I’m being hugged by him like all the time he used to do. I even still cry while writing this shit. God! Okay, maybe I’m being overdramatic here, or perhaps I’m just being over-melancholic; whatever shit. But this pain is real. And it is caused by his absence.

Spending my time, watching the days go by. Feeling so small, I stare at the wall, hoping that you are missing me too.” –Roxette, Spending My Time




What’s the time? Seems it’s already morning, I see the sky, it’s so beautiful and blue
The TV’s on but the only thing showing is a picture of you
Oh, I get up and make myself some coffee, I try to read a bit but the story’s too thin
I thank the Lord above, you’re not here to see me in this shape I’m in

Spending my time, watching the days go by, feeling so small
I stare at the wall, hoping that you think of me too, I’m spending my time

I try to call but I don’t know what to tell you, I leave a kiss on your answering machine
Oh, help me please, is there someone who can make me wake up from this dream?

Spending my time, watching the days go by, feeling so small
I stare at the wall, hoping that you are missing me too
I’m spending my time, watching the sun go down
I fall asleep to the sound, of tears of the clown, prayer gone blind, I’m spending my time

My friends keep telling me, “Hey, life will go on”, time will make sure I’ll get over you
This silly game of love you play, you win only to lose

I’m spending my time, watching the days go by, feeling so small
I stare at the wall, hoping that you think of me too
I’m spending my time, watching the sun go down
I fall asleep to the sound, of tears of the clown, prayer gone blind, I’m spending my time

I can’t live without your love, good, I am spending my time, my time, my time
Makes me big without you honey, honey

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