Disguise

Monday, June 26, 2017



Everyone needs some time on their own. Everyone needs some time all alone. There are times when I do not feel like meeting anyone, talking to anyone, answering phone calls, replying text messages, and all; feel so lost, empty, estranged, and alienated. There are times when I feel like I want to just disappear; and I do disappear somehow. I bet people around me know this side of me all too well. It is not that I want to hide or run away from reality. It is not that I hate the world and the society (though I do hate them sometimes). It is not that I try to push away people around me. It is just that I need some time to figure things out, to redefine myself, to gather my senses and find myself again; and by that I mean I have to do it by myself. I need to do that to be able to face the world again. I need a moment to disappear in order to be able to rise again. And I think everyone needs that. And don’t worry, that moment will not take too long if I am given enough time and space to be alone. I will soon meet people, talk to them, answer phone calls, and reply text messages again.

Have you ever felt some kind of emptiness inside? You will never measure up. To those people you must be strong, can’t show them that you’re weak. Have you ever told someone something that’s far from the truth? Let them know that you’re okay just to make them stop all the wondering, and questions they may have.” –Lene Marlin, Disguise

At time like this, this one song titled “Disguise” suits me very well. Performed by Norwegian musician Lene Marlin, this pop rock track was released on September 24th 2003 as a part of the singer’s second album, “Another Day”. Though this is considered as an underrated song internationally (Marlin never released this song as a promotional single), I recognized this song from a Taiwanese drama series titled “100% Senorita”, in which this song was appeared as one of the theme songs. Lyrically, this song follows a story of a woman who is tired from putting on some disguise while she is meeting another people; hence she needs some time alone. However, she will be honest with people who care for her; it’s just that she need time to be by herself for a while.


"Another Day" album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

People can never be their really true self when there is other person with them. No matter how close we are with that person, even if it is our closest person, we can never show our really true self. Subconsciously, when there is other person with us, we will act and talk in the way to get a respond from that person or to respond that person. Hence we even think in the way that how the other person will see and think towards us; instead of the way how we really want to be. It is called the panoptical effect. And yes, it is exhausting, moreover for introvert people like me, who find it hard to open up ourselves, even towards the closest person to us. Hence it is natural for some people to feel lonely, though they are not really alone. “Have you ever felt some kind of emptiness inside? You will never measure up. To those people you must be strong, can’t show them that you’re weak. Have you ever told someone something that’s far from the truth? Let them know that you’re okay just to make them stop all the wondering, and questions they may have.”
There are times when I feel empty out of the blue; like there is this hole inside my heart that I will never measure up. The thing is, I cannot show it to other people. There are too many insecurities and fears that force me to never show my weakness in front of them. There are times when I tell simple dumb-ass lie to other people. I say that I am alright though I actually am not. I do that because I simply do not want to bother anyone with my own problems. There is too much anxiety and doubt that force me to never tell how bad I feel. Mostly, I do it all because I’m scared of their reactions. Hence I try so hard to be strong in front of them; and I try so hard to show them that nothing is wrong, that everything is alright with me. “Have you ever seen your face in a mirror, there’s a smile but inside you’re just a mess? You feel far from good, need to hide, ‘cause they’d never understand. Have you ever had this wish, of being somewhere else to let go of your disguise, all your worries too? And from that moment, then you see things clear.”
There are times when I force my smile when the inside of me is actually breaking apart. There are times when I really want to disappear and escape to some inhabitated island just to be by myself. There are times when I feel really tired of pretending. It is hard to keep my disguise, yet it is harder to open up myself. At times like that, I will just shut myself from the world. I feel estranged, yet the only way out at the time is alienating myself. “Are you waiting for that day when your pain will disappear? When you know that it’s not true what they say about you? Couldn’t care less ‘bout the things surrounding you, ignoring all the voices from my wall.” And when I’m alienating myself, I do it for a good cause. It is not going to last forever and I only need a moment to be with just myself. And when I can finally make peace with my own mind, that is when I can open up myself, truthfully and honestly, to other people. “I’m okay, I really am now, just needed some time, to figure things out. Not telling lies, I’ll be honest with you, still we don’t know what’s yet to come.”


"100% Senorita" television series promotional poster | source: en.wikipedia.org

The idea of opening up ourselves scares the hell out of us when we used to feel rejected, dejected, and neglected. And that is how I feel. Hence we put up some disguise; not in the intention to be pretentious, but rather to keep ourselves from pain and hurt. However, as a human being, we need some time on our own to keep our sanity together; a time when we put off all disguise and be just ourselves. Perhaps it is true what Lao Tzu once said; that being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. I love my significant other deeply hence I got the courage to open up myself towards him. And I can feel his love for me, deeply, hence I got the strength to keep myself open for him, and for him only. Though we do not know what is yet to come, still, I will always be honest with him. And my significant other, out of all people, know me all too well how to give me some time to figure things out until I can open up myself. He could read my mind like an open book, beyond all the disguises.

Have you ever seen your face in a mirror, there’s a smile but inside you’re just a mess? You feel far from good, need to hide, ‘cause they’d never understand. Have you ever had this wish, of being somewhere else to let go of your disguise, all your worries too? And from that moment, then you see things clear.” –Lene Marlin, Disguise



Have you ever felt some kind of emptiness inside? You will never measure up
To those people you must be strong, can’t show them that you’re weak
Have you ever told someone something that’s far from the truth?
Let them know that you’re okay just to make them stop all the wondering, and questions they may have

I’m okay, I really am now, just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I’ll be honest with you, still we don’t know what’s yet to come

Have you ever seen your face in a mirror, there’s a smile but inside you’re just a mess?
You feel far from good, need to hide, ‘cause they’d never understand
Have you ever had this wish, of being somewhere else? To let go of your disguise
All your worries too, and from that moment, then you see things clear

I’m okay, I really am now, just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I’ll be honest with you, still we don’t know what’s yet to come

Are you waiting for that day when your pain will disappear? When you know that it’s not true what they say about you?
Couldn’t care less ‘bout the things surrounding you, ignoring all the voices from my wall

I’m okay, I really am now, just needed some time to figure things out
Not telling lies, I’ll be honest with you, still we don’t know what’s yet to come
I’m okay, I really am now, just needed some time to figure things out
Not telling lies, I’ll be honest with you, still we don’t know what’s yet to come
Still we don’t know, what’s yet to come

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