All or Nothing

Tuesday, February 28, 2017



I’ve been thinking about relationship these past weeks. Actually, I always think about relationship. However, it got more intense particularly in these past few weeks since my partner brought up the topic about the shifting of his perception towards me. The shifting he talked about has been the core of our problems these past months as it created some frictions between us in our everyday life. The climax of the conflict was a few days ago when he left me for his hometown, without telling me when he will come back here. It was awfully painful. It was terribly hurtful. It was a miserable disaster. Though I’m sure somehow that he will be back, it doesn’t make it hurt less. This morning he texted me saying that he’s on his way back here. And here I am now, waiting for him. And even after it has passed the hour that I assume he will reach home, he never showed up. Here he goes again. And here I go again on my own. He spends the night somewhere with someone else as he usually does when he’s upset with me. And here I am wondering; whether to let go or not.

You know I’d fight for you, but how could I fight someone who isn’t even there? I’ve had the rest of you, now I want the best of you; I don’t care if that’s not fair.” –O-Town, All or Nothing

As my heart is bewildered in between the thought that he would never make it home tonight (because I believe he will spend the night with some other girl) and the hope that he would eventually come back home in the end of the day, I listen to this one song that represents my mixed-feeling so well. It is a song titled “All or Nothing”, performed by American boy band, O-Town. The one hit wonder was released in July 23rd (well, coincidentally it is the same date of our relationship’s anniversary) 2001 as the second single taken from the group’s eponymous debut studio album. The pop ballad track was written by Wayne Hector and Steve Mac. “All or Nothing” speaks to me that I have been with someone who isn’t fully committed to me and still hung up on his ex (maybe) or other girls (perhaps).

"All or Nothing" single cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

Have you ever loved someone who does not present at the moment even when you are together physically? Perhaps that person lives in the past or maybe in the future. Perhaps that person lives in the present time but their mind is always wondering somewhere out there. Perhaps that person is always empty. Perhaps that person is always unfulfilled. Perhaps that person is never satisfied. “I know when he’s been on your mind, that distant look is in your eyes. I thought with time you’d realize it’s over, over. It’s not the way I choose to live, and something somewhere’s got to give as sharing this relationship gets older, older.” As much as you try to convince them to talk and fight for the relationship, you got rejected over and over again. And you start to wonder whether it is wrong that you want the best of them. After all, it takes two to tango and there are two people in this relationship. “You know I’d fight for you, but how could I fight someone who isn’t even there? I’ve had the rest of you, now I want the best of you; I don’t care if that’s not fair.”
Have you ever loved someone who always seems so far away even when you are side by side with them physically? Perhaps that person has hidden things they cannot share. Perhaps that person has some secrets they cannot say. Perhaps that person has some stories they cannot confess. Perhaps that person always has intention to leave. Perhaps that person never had intention to stay. Perhaps that person is just never there. “There are times it seems to me, I’m sharing you with memories. I feel it in my heart but I don’t show it, show it. Then there’s times you look at me as though I’m all that you can see. Those times I don’t believe it’s right; I know it, know it.” As much as you try to make them understand and give care for the relationship, you got dejected all over again. And you start to wonder whether it is wrong that you want the best from them. After all, it only works both ways in communication as well as in relationship. “Don’t make me promises, baby, you never did know how to keep them well. I had the rest of you, now I want the best of you; it’s time to show and tell.”
Have you ever loved someone and given it all? You love that person so much that you are willing to afford them anything. You love that person so deep that you are compliant to surrender your everything. However, that person is leaving you hanging with all those questions in your head. That person is leaving you wondering all the answers all alone. And then you come to conclusion that maybe it is time to decide whether you take all or nothing at all. “‘Cause I want it all or nothing at all, there’s nowhere left to fall when you reach the bottom; it’s now or never. Is it all or are we just friends? Is this how it ends? With a simple telephone call you leave me here with nothing at all.” If there is no more heart left for understanding, then it’s done. If there is no more conscience left for discussion, then it’s done. If there is no more senses left for negotiation, then it’s done. And you are left with nothing at all but a voice message telling that that person can’t do this anymore. “‘Cause you and I could lose it all if you’ve got no more room; no room inside for me in your life.”

"O-Town" album cover | source: en.wikipedia.org

When I fall for someone, I fall for all of them. Hence I give it all. Therefore I want to take it all. After all, the essence of a relationship is “take and give”, though the essence of love itself is only “give”. If it is an unrequited love then I do not mind at all if the practice is not reciprocal; because that is just the way how a one-sided love works. However, this is a relationship we’re talking about. I’m just a human being after all; hence it makes sense if I want my partner to contribute in this relationship as much as I do, whether it is in the terms of feelings or daily practice. It is cruel for leaving your so-called significant other with unanswered questions and endless wonders. I would fight for it, and he knows I always will, but how can I fight for someone who neglects me? I would do anything to make it right, and he understands I always will, but how can I make it right if he doesn’t give me any chance to do that? I would try everything to make it works, and he is aware that I always will, but how can I work it if he leaves me alone here? Is it all? Or nothing at all? Or are we just fucking professional partners? Is this how it ends? With a simple voice message, he left me here with nothing at all. Where is the sense in that? It’s logical fallacy everywhere.

Don’t make me promises, baby, you never did know how to keep them well. I had the rest of you, now I want the best of you; it’s time to show and tell.” –O-Town, All or Nothing 




I know when he’s been on your mind, that distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you’d realize it’s over, over
It’s not the way I choose to live, and something somewhere’s got to give
As sharing this relationship gets older, older

You know I’d fight for you, but how could I fight someone who isn’t even there?
I’ve had the rest of you, now I want the best of you, I don’t care if that’s not fair

‘Cause I want it all or nothing at all, there’s nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom, it’s now or never
Is it all or are we just friends? Is this how it ends?
With a simple telephone call you leave me here with nothing at all

There are times it seems to me, I’m sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart but I don’t show it, show it
Then there’s times you look at me as though I’m all that you can see
Those times I don’t believe it’s right, I know it, know it

Don’t make me promises, baby, you never did know how to keep them well
I had the rest of you, now I want the best of you, it’s time to show and tell

‘Cause I want it all or nothing at all, there’s nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom, it’s now or never
Is it all or are we just friends? Is this how it ends?
With a simple telephone call, you leave me here with nothing at all

‘Cause you and I could lose it all if you’ve got no more room, no room inside for me in your life

‘Cause I want it all or nothing at all, there’s nowhere left to fall, it’s now or never
Is it all or nothing at all? There’s nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom, it’s now or never
Is it all or are we just friends? Is this how it ends?
With a simple telephone call, you leave me here with nothing at all

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