Dialectic of Feelings (II)

Thursday, October 29, 2015


source: hisandherquotes

“I want to be with you, so much, I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know what to say.”
Finally, I’ve said those words to him. The night before I said that to him, he asked me about how I see our relationship. Well, my answer was a very long explanation; a journey of my mixed-feelings toward him. But then, I remembered my lecturer said to me that when we can’t explain things simply, then it means that we don’t truly understand about those things. So I tried to sum up my long explanation in one sentence. I gathered up my courage, which wasn’t easy, at all. And he knew it; therefore I was very thankful for his patience. “Something sincere cannot come out easily from my mouth,” I said to him. And he waited. After some time, I said those words. I want to be with him, so much, (until) I don’t know what to do and what to say.

I don’t know why, but reality seems very harsh on us. I don’t even understand why I’ve just written that reality is hard on us. That night he asked me, “Do you have fear?” Well now, who doesn’t? “Care and fear come in one package,” he said. We care, therefore we fear. He said that we fear of losing the care. Well I guess everything regarding to feelings is coming in one package of two polar opposites; paradoxical yet inseparable. It’s reality. I didn’t answer him that night. Too many things came across my head at that time. That was too much to bear. I do have a lot of fears. No, not only a fear of losing the care he gave to me all this time. I fear of losing him. Most of all, I fear of not knowing whether I’m already losing him. Have I already lost him?
After all, we’re all afraid of losing someone we care about to someone else. Well, at least I do. I fear of losing him to someone else. At times, I do regret the way I didn’t respond to anything he said and done to me. He said many things that night. Meanwhile, I couldn’t speak anything at all, even grateful words, even an apology. I owe him so much. I only wish that my kiss could answer everything. I’m only human, with a lot of fears. About that thing too. I’m terrified, though I always try so hard to not showing my anxiety in front of him. I was being calm and not panic, for him, only for him, while I was trembling inside. I might be calm, very calm, and even cold, perhaps. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. Truth to be told, I care so much, and it scares me off. What if I’m the one who has made him in pain? What if I’m the one who has turned him into, like that? And other what-if questions keep on haunting my mind. And I know he thought about that too, he was bothered by those questions too, though he tried so hard to not bringing it into the conversation. Therefore I was thankful, yet also deeply sorry for him.

I believe that Love is not supposed to strangle someone; it’s supposed to free them. I believe that Love is not supposed to make someone feel burdened; it’s supposed to make them feel safe. I believe that Love is not supposed to bother someone; it’s supposed to protect them. I believe that Love is not supposed to make someone feel guilty; it’s supposed to make them feel relieved. And I want my love for him to be like that. That is how much I care for him. It’s okay though if I were the one who’s being strangled by our love; if I were the one who’s being burdened; if I were the one who’s being bothered; if I were the one who’s feeling guilty; it’s alright. That is how much I care for him. I would like to take all the blame. He has carried too much. So I want to carry this one -burden, guilt, anything- for him, for us, because like he always says, “We’re both in it together.” And like I’ve said to him, “Things I do for love.”

I wake up in the morning, put on my face, the one that’s gonna get me through another day 
Doesn’t really matter how I feel inside, this life is like a game sometimes 
But then you came around me, the walls just disappeared, nothing to surround me 
And keep me from my fears, I’m unprotected, see how I’ve opened up, you’ve made me trust 
I’m trying to remember why I was afraid to be myself and let the covers fall away 
Guess I’ve never had someone like you, to help me fit in my skin 
I’ve never felt this before, I’m naked around you, does it show 
You see right through me and I can’t hide, I’m naked around you, and it feels so right
-Avril Lavigne, Naked

Like what Lavigne sang in that song, being naked in front of someone is about letting him come into our fears and dreams, and that’s a great deal, more than just taking our clothes off and getting laid. Being naked in front of him is about letting him break through my wall of barricade I’ve built all over the years. He has seen me. I used to be cynical and skeptical toward care, yet he pulled me off, making me feel less cynical and less skeptical, somehow. Being naked is about being opened up; disclosure; every stories and feelings, the deepest and the worst.

I guess there’s nothing left to say, because everything will eventually lead to those words I said to him that night,
“I want to be with you, so much, I don’t what to do, and I don’t know what to say.”

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