1989

Clean

Sunday, July 23, 2017




Everyone has their own way in dealing with a broken heart. Having our heart broken is like having a white paper being tore in pieces and colored black. People need to put those pieces back together and have it clean like before. That is just the depiction of dealing with the broken heart. It is like trying to clean up our heart that is dirty. However, the dirt is the kind that we cannot get rid easily. It is like a stain of wine on a dress. The thing about a broken heart is: no matter how hard we try to fix it, the scar will always be there, haunting us for the rest of our lives if we let it to. On the other hand, it is not impossible to not let it haunting us, but it is just so difficult to do. It needs days, months, or probably years of training. And eventually, we all learn to live with the scar. The deeper the love, the deeper the scar that is left. That is just the thing about a broken heart. Sometimes, in dealing with the broken heart, we jump into the river too many times to make it home. Most of the times, in dealing with the broken heart, we drown ourselves too many times to be able to breathe again. We keep repeating it until we feel like we are finally clean.

The drought was the very worst, when the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst. It was months, and months of back and forth, you’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore. Hung my head as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm.” –Taylor Swift feat. Imogen Heap, Clean

I feel so suffocated right now. It is not the kind of a broken heart that comes from an ended relationship, but it is more like the kind of a broken heart that comes from a lovers’ quarrel. The thing about me is that whenever I’m in a relationship, I always lose for my partner. And I always give my partner the power to take the upper hand of every situation; hence though I am the person who gets angry in the beginning, eventually I am the one who feels guilty in the end. And so here I am, alone in my isolation, contemplating all by myself why and how it did all go wrong. Before making apologize properly to my partner, I have to apologize myself first. In order to forgive my partner sincerely, I have to forgive myself first. Hence here I am trying to make myself clean while listening to Taylor Swift’s “Clean”. The ballad R n’ B track was released on October 27th 2014 as a part of the singer-songwriter’s fifth studio album, “1989”. It was written, and also featuring, English singer-songwriter Imogen Heap. “Clean” describes Swift ridding herself of a metaphorical addiction; it is interpreted as the singer casting off relationships in favor of self-enlightenment.


"Clean" photo jacket | source: "1989 Deluxe Version" album

Broken heart is like a dry season where the drought is the very worst. I know it all too well how it feels to live without water running in my house; hence I can picture it all very well how it feels to have my heart dried without water. It feels awful. It feels like we have lost the source of life; hence what is the point of living anymore? And realizing that our good memories are fading like flowers that died of thirst is the worst part. It still lingers here somehow, but we cannot do anything about it. We cannot forget yet we cannot come back. Hence we feel helpless. Feeling like a loser, we look down at the ground more than we look up at the sky. Since we know it anyway that whenever we look up at the sky, it has turned black like a perfect storm inside our heart. “The drought was the very worst, when the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst. It was months, and months of back and forth, you’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore. Hung my head as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm.”
Dealing with a broken heart is suffocating. It is like being stuck in a room full of dust; a dust that is formed by the fluttering heart that has been broken into pieces. The fresh air of the room has been corrupted with the dust of the broken heart; hence we are suffocated. Feeling helpless, we even punch a hole in our roof so that the water of the pouring rain can come down into the room. The flood may carry away all pictures of the memories, but the water may fill our lungs. We scream as we are drowning, yet no one else is there to hear. We scream our lungs out that we are in pain and heartbroken, but no one else is there to listen. We scream out loud that we are hurt and so much painful, but no one is there to know. Hence we feel hopeless. Feeling like a loser, we close ourselves and avoid anyone else. “There was nothing left to do when the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room. So I punched a hole in the roof, let the flood carry away all my pictures of you. The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing.”
Time goes by so slow whenever we are dealing with a broken heart. At the same time, it feels like flying so fast too. Without we realize, it can be days, months, or years we have been dealing with the broken heart. As time passes by, one thing that I learn from dealing with a broken heart is: being clean from it does not mean we do not miss the happy moments. However, longing for the happy moments does not mean we can give up those times of trying to get clean. “Ten months sober, I must admit, just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it. Ten months older, I won’t give in, now that I’m clean I’m never gonna risk it.” And yes, people find themselves whenever they have lost something real. Sometimes we jump into the river too many times to make it home. Sometimes we drown into the rain too many times to be able to breathe again. And when the morning comes, all traces have gone, and we are finally clean. “Rain came pouring down, when I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe. And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean.”


"Clean" photo jacket | source: "1989 Deluxe Version" album

I believe that in order to be able to love someone else sincerely, we have to understand how to love ourselves first. In order to be able to forgive someone sincerely, we have to understand how to forgive ourselves first. In order to be able to understand someone else properly, we have to understand ourselves first. Every time we are looking back on our lost love, there is this understanding that nothing good comes without loss and hardships and constant struggle. There is no riding off into the sunset. Dealing with a broken heart is a part of dealing with our own selves. And it is not stopping with just understanding. It must be continued with trying and fighting to be better. It is about coming alive. It is about the courage to change. It is about whom we choose to be. We are the only one who gets to decide what we will be remembered for. Who says that we cannot find happiness in the world where we are not loved? We can find happiness everywhere and we can start from deep within our heart. Let’s get it all clean from all bad thoughts.

There was nothing left to do when the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room. So I punched a hole in the roof, let the flood carry away all my pictures of you. The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing.” –Taylor Swift feat. Imogen Heap, Clean


The drought was the very worst, when the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst
It was months, and months of back and forth, you’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore
Hung my head as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down, when I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

There was nothing left to do when the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room
So I punched a hole in the roof, let the flood carry away all my pictures of you
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

Rain came pouring down, when I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean, said I think I am finally clean

Ten months sober, I must admit, just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it
Ten months older, I won’t give in, now that I’m clean I’m never gonna risk it
The drought was the very worst, when the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst

Rain came pouring down, when I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Rain came pouring down, when I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Finally clean, think I’m finally clean, think I’m finally clean